The Refuge

by Ann H. Gabhart

  “You prayed wrongly. You should have prayed to accept the Shaker way so you could take up your cross and live a heavenly life with your sisters here.”

  “Perhaps you are right.” I reached and took Anna Grace from her. “But I do not yet believe that. Instead I have faith my prayers will be answered.”

  Eldress Maria pulled in a breath and let it out slowly. “I see I cannot convince you differently. But I do fear you are headed toward naught but trouble and taking this sweet baby with you.”

  “If I am wrong, you would welcome me back again into your society, would you not?”

  “We would. We welcome many who come to stay during the hard months of the year and then leave in the springtime. Over and over. It sometimes seems wrong to do so, but we are instructed by Mother Ann to be kind.”

  “I appreciate that kindness and I promise that, should I come back into your fold, I will do my best to live the proper Shaker life.”

  “Even if you don’t believe in the Shaker way?” She raised her eyebrows.

  “I cannot promise to believe. I can promise to abide by your rules.” I looked straight at her. “But first I am going to step out with faith the Lord will help me find a different way.”

  “You may be on a slippery path to destruction, my sister.” Again she pressed her lips together tightly for a moment before she went on. “But one you seem determined to walk. I will arrange with the trustees in charge of such things to have your horse and possessions here in the morning.”

  “Thank you.”

  She did not acknowledge my thanks, but she did look back at Anna Grace once more before she went out the door.

  Sister Helene came into the room then, her eyes awash with tears. She begged me again to forgive her angry words that morning. I did without pause, and then we sat together in silence a while before we began to speak of our many times together in the last year.

  A knock on the door brought Sister Reva from the kitchen with a cloth bag. “I hear you are leaving us, Sister Darcie, and taking our baby.” She smiled over at Anna Grace, who crawled toward her as fast as she could. Sister Reva often gave her a sugary treat when we visited the kitchen. “Yea, little one, I’ve packed some cookies and applesauce in here for you.” She handed the bag to me. “We would not want our little sister to go hungry.”

  She picked up Anna Grace and pulled a cookie from her pocket. Anna Grace gave a happy squeal.

  I blinked away tears. “Thank you, Sister Reva.”

  “Mother Ann instructs us to be generous. I will pray for you both.” Then she put Anna Grace down and hurried out of the room.

  Other sisters came by the room. Some merely to say goodbye, but Sister Nila brought me a silk kerchief made here in the village. “This is all I have, but I have been told such silk kerchiefs are much in demand in the world. If you have a need, you may be able to sell it.”

  “Nay, I can’t take it.” I knew how the sisters treasured their silk kerchiefs, a rare luxurious item they were allowed. I handed it back to her.

  She put her hands up and refused to take it. “I will get another the next time I work with the silkworms. Keep it for Anna Grace if you never have need to sell it.”

  Just before the retiring bell, a soft knock sounded on our door. When I opened it, no one was there, but Sister Helene rushed over to pick up a tiny pair of shoes from the hallway floor.

  “Oh good. Brother Marcus was able to finish the shoes.” Sister Helene handed them to me. “A week ago, Eldress Maria had me ask him to make Anna Grace shoes for when she began walking, but we did not realize we had need for hurry.”

  The light brown shoes were soft to the touch. “I’m thankful Anna Grace is so loved.”

  “You can stay among us and let her continue in that love,” Sister Helene said.

  “Nay, I cannot.”

  She did not argue, perhaps wanting our last night together to be one of peace.

  The next day, I was up before the rising bell as always. Sister Helene and I parted as though this was a morning the same as any other. That seemed better than tears. Too many had already been shed.

  Eldress Maria came to hold Anna Grace one last time. Before she left, she said, “May you always remember that here you were loved.”

  I was not sure if she was talking to me or to Anna Grace.

  When near time for the bell to summon the Shakers to their morning meal, I gathered up the bundle of Anna Grace’s clothes, Granny Hatchell’s Bible, and the sack of food from Sister Reva. So little to go out into the world, but perhaps enough. I tucked the silk kerchief in one pocket. In the other pocket was the money Eldress Maria had laid on the chest without comment. The exact amount we had brought into the village last July. I was not completely without resources.

  The Shakers were true to their word. Sawyer was tied to a hitching post in front of the house, with Walter’s rifle in a sling hanging from the pommel of the saddle and saddlebags slung over the horse’s hips. Mona stood beside the horse. I was both glad and sorry to see her there.

  She stroked Sawyer’s neck, then looked around at me. “Do you think he will let me ride him?”

  “Have you ridden horses before?”

  “Nay, but I have done many things that I have not done before.” She stepped away from the horse closer to me. “Are you going to take me with you?”

  “If they will allow it.” I said the words, but I knew that would not happen.

  “They won’t.” Mona shrugged. “They say my father gave me to them. Not you.” She did not sound at all concerned as she did a little spin. “So I suppose I must bid you farewell.”

  I studied her face to discern her true feelings, but I could not. “Come give Anna Grace and me a hug.”

  She stepped into my embrace willingly enough. I kissed the top of her bonnet. “I will miss you, Sister Mona.”

  “Will you?” She smiled as she leaned against me to whisper, “Remember, I do what I want.” She spun away from me with a laugh. “Goodbye, Sister Darcie.”

  “Goodbye, Sister Mona,” I called after her as she ran away. “I will write.”

  She didn’t look around as the village bell began to ring. I sat Anna Grace in the grass and stuffed my bundles in the saddlebags. The leathery smell brought Walter to mind. He had often brought me little treasures in these very saddlebags. A pretty stone. A swatch of cloth. A few apples.

  I smiled at the memory as I picked up Anna Grace. “He would have brought you treasures too, my baby.”

  I carried Anna Grace and led Sawyer through the village. A few Shakers passed me but kept their eyes turned away as they hurried to their morning meal. I was no longer one of them. I walked on out into the world beyond the Shaker shelter.

  “All right, Granny Hatchell, I took that first step,” I muttered. “Now what?”

  It’s not me you need to be asking. It’s the Lord.

  I was sure those would be her words, were she beside me. I shifted Anna Grace in the swaddling carrier. She had outgrown it, but having her bottom rest in it did give my arms more freedom, even as her weight pulled on my neck. Without a whimper, she dozed off, as was her habit at this time of the morning. She could not know I had no idea where we might find shelter at nightfall.

  I looked up and spoke my prayer aloud. “At least give me some sign that I’m going in the right direction.”

  “Definitely. Without a doubt, the right direction.”

  The man’s voice startled me. I had been so focused on moving forward that I hadn’t noticed him there beside the road. The Shaker brother pushed away from the tree he’d been leaning against and stepped toward me. “You do realize horses are meant to be ridden.”

  The Shaker hat and clothes fooled me for a moment, but then I recognized him. “You are Leatrice’s grandfather.”

  He smiled. “So I am. Silas Cox, Miss Darcie. I beg your forgiveness for using your given name, but in the Shaker world first names seem all that’s necessary. It’s Brother this, Sister that.”

&nbs
p; “I’m no longer Sister Darcie.”

  “So your young friend told me. And I can understand. What mother would ever want to give up her baby?”

  “It could be that I should have. I am at a loss as to what to do next.” I looked away from him down the road. Sawyer snuffled behind me, impatient with standing still. I walked him to the side of the road where he could nibble some grass. “Other than selling my horse.”

  “You know Leatrice’s father works with horses.” The man studied Sawyer. “He worked with this one, didn’t he? Some months back?”

  “He did. I never heard what he thought was wrong with Sawyer except he might have been missing our stable cat.” I smiled a little. “I guess that sounds foolish.”

  “Not at all.” He smiled at me again, seemingly in no hurry to be on about his business.

  I frowned a little. “If I may be so bold to ask, were you here waiting for me?”

  “So I was. Your young friend, the one who said you were leaving, thought I might be able to help you.”

  “What friend is that? Sister Mona?” I could imagine no one else.

  “I don’t think she said her name. But she was very slim, with eyes the blue of her Shaker dress. I think I’d seen her with you and Leatrice. Anyway, she knew about your horse and asked if I thought Flynn would buy him.” He smiled at me. “I do think the girl had it all figured out, down to me coming out here to give you directions. She reminded me a bit of myself, although I’ve been known to make a muddle of things by rushing into something without proper thought.”

  “When did she talk to you?” She couldn’t have had time after I told her goodbye.

  “She waylaid me when I went out to the barn this morning to help with the stock. She was very convincing.” He laughed. “Trust me, I don’t miss meals without good reason.”

  “Are you leaving the Shakers?”

  “No, not at all, but since I’m out here on the road, I decided it would be a fine time to go see Leatrice. Maybe Flynn made biscuits this morning. I showed him how before I left, but he could do with a housekeeper. The man can’t cook. Can you?”

  “I haven’t had much practice for a while.” Could it possibly be I might find a place to stay so easily? I turned away from that unfounded hope by saying, “But won’t you get in trouble leaving like this?”

  “I’m new to these Shakers, but I’ve already figured out they’re a forgiving lot. When I go back later today and say I’m sorry for deserting my duties, they’ll forgive me and give me more duties tomorrow. Best, I am almost sure they won’t break my plate. I do enjoy the Shaker meals.” He peered over at me. “Are you sure you’ve been eating? You’re not as big as a minute.”

  I couldn’t keep from smiling at that. Granny Hatchell had told me that so many times. “I eat plenty.”

  “Hmph.” He didn’t sound as if he believed me. “That baby of yours has to be heavy. Is she sleeping?”

  “She is. Not much disturbs her naps.”

  “Well, let me give you a leg up on your horse and the two of you can ride while I lead you. We’ve got a few miles to go if you want Flynn to look at your horse, but we should make it before the sun gets too hot.” He looked up at the sky and then bent by Sawyer’s side with his hands cupped. “Anchor that baby good and step up here in my hands.”

  I did as he said and climbed astride the horse. Anna Grace stirred as I adjusted the rifle in its sling and settled my skirts as modestly as I could while Silas considerately turned away. As he led Sawyer forward, the motion of the horse soon calmed Anna Grace as I held on to the pommel.

  I said a thankful prayer for Mona even as my heart was sad for leaving her behind. I should have known better. We went around another bend and Mona skipped out in front of us.

  “What took you so long?” She stood in the middle of the road with her hands on her hips and a smile that would have lit up the night better than twenty candles.

  Silas stopped Sawyer. “Do we have trouble here?”

  I didn’t answer him. I kept my gaze on Mona. “What are you doing?”

  “I told you I do what I want.” She did her little twirl and came closer to us. “And I want to be with you and Anna Grace.” She peered up at me on the horse. “You said I could come with you. Did you not mean it?”

  “I meant it, but I said if they would let you.”

  “Here I am, so they must have let me.”

  Silas spoke up. “I’m thinking you ran away.”

  “That could be.” She put her hands behind her and twisted first one way and then another. “But they are glad to see me gone. I made sure of that.”

  I was almost afraid to ask. “How?”

  She hung her head a little, but I could see her grin. “I kind of tied knots in all their bonnet strings and their apron strings too.” She peeked up at me. “And I may have hidden their shoes in the cellar. In the potato barrel. They’ll find them soon enough.”

  “Mona, that was mean.”

  “It was, wasn’t it?” She sounded very cheerful about it. “But Sister Corinne has never been nice to me, so why should I be nice to her. Mostly, I wanted to make sure she would be so glad to be rid of me that she would merely say good riddance to bad Shakers.”

  Silas laughed out loud. “Looks like we have a traveling companion.” He beckoned Mona closer. “Come on, child. Those saddlebags aren’t that big. I think you can straddle them and ride behind Miss Darcie.”

  He boosted Mona up behind me. “You’ll have to hang on to keep from falling off.” He frowned up at her. “Aren’t you the one who tormented Leatrice now and again?”

  “Yea.” Mona sounded sad, but I couldn’t see her face so I wasn’t sure how sincere she was. “But I promise never to be mean to her again. Never to be mean to anybody as long as I’m with my new mother.” She snaked her arms around my waist and laid her head against my back. “Remember, Mama Darcie, you promised I could come with you and we could starve together.”

  “No such talk as that.” Silas started leading Sawyer again. “Flynn won’t let you starve.”

  Was that going to be the Lord’s answer for me? To throw myself on the mercy of a near stranger. With Anna Grace stirring in the wrap in front of me and Mona clinging to me from behind, I definitely needed mercy. Flynn Keller had seemed a good man. My heart always lifted with joy at the sight of him coming on his horse toward Leatrice and me in the early mornings.

  What would he think of me, with the baggage I carried, coming on a horse toward him?

  35

  Leatrice was glad to be home. Really, she was. And very glad that woman was gone. For good, Papa said. But so was Grandpa. Gone to the Shakers. Leatrice missed him. Her father was busy with his horses. He had to be. That was his work, but she needed something to do too. At the Shaker village, she’d been busy every minute of the day.

  Papa said she did plenty. She swept the floor and washed the dishes. She fed the chickens and played with the cats. Papa wouldn’t let her cook unless he was in the kitchen with her. Those times were good. She could fry eggs and anybody could put beans in a pot and hang it on a hook over the fire. But Papa worried she’d catch her dress tail on fire.

  He did promise to get her some books so she could practice reading. She tried to read Mamaw Bea’s Bible, but some of the words were too hard. Maybe she hadn’t learned as much as she thought she had, the way Sister Corinne and Sister Josephine told her.

  She didn’t miss Sister Corinne at all. She did miss Sister Janice and even Sister Mona a little. The ones she really missed—so much that her heart kind of hurt inside her chest—were Sister Darcie and her babies. Sometimes Leatrice would sing a silly song to one of her cats and pretend it was Baby Benjamin.

  She worried about not being there to push Anna Grace in her little wagon. Somebody else was probably helping Sister Darcie. Maybe Sister Mona. If she was, Leatrice hoped she wasn’t being mean. Leatrice could never figure out why Sister Darcie was so nice to Sister Mona when sometimes Sister Mona was not nice at a
ll.

  Instead, Sister Darcie kept praying for her. Leatrice did feel kind of sorry for Sister Mona, with no father to love her the way Papa loved Leatrice. So she prayed that someday Sister Mona would have a father who loved her. Leatrice wasn’t sure how that could happen, but Mamaw Bea used to say the Lord had ways of working things out for the best.

  Last night, Papa had said they would go see Grandpa in a few days.

  “Can we go see Sister Darcie and her babies too?” Leatrice asked.

  “That would be nice.” Papa looked out the kitchen window toward the road, as if thinking about going right away. Then he shook his head a little. “But I don’t think the Shakers would allow that.”

  “We could go early so we could see them walking to the morning meal,” Leatrice suggested.

  “I suppose so.” Papa smiled. “But she might not want to see us.”

  Leatrice frowned. “Why wouldn’t she want to see us? She was always hugging me and she looked happy when she saw you too.” She went over and stood right in front of Papa so she could see his face. “You liked her, didn’t you?”

  “You sound like your grandpa, trying to do some matchmaking.” Papa put his hand on her head and ruffled her hair. “She’s a Shaker sister, don’t forget.”

  “But she didn’t want to be. She wanted to be a mother, not a sister.” Leatrice had felt a real yearning then to have a mother again. A mother like Sister Darcie, but some things a person couldn’t say out loud. Not even to her papa.

  So when she headed out to the barn to look for the mama cat’s new kittens, she thought her eyes might be playing tricks on her when she saw Grandpa coming down the road leading a horse. Even though they were still a good ways from the house, Leatrice was pretty sure Sister Darcie was on the horse.

  Leatrice jumped up and down and waved before she ran to the barn. “Papa! Papa!”

  “No need to shout, Leatrice. I’m right here.” Papa didn’t like anybody yelling around the horses.

  “But, Papa, Grandpa is coming.” She did remember to lower her voice. “And he’s got somebody with him. I think it’s Sister Darcie.”