Pepped Up Forever

by Ali Dean

  “Now, I do. After some time and some distance from how much you hurt me, I was able to look at it and see that you were hurting too. But no, it doesn’t make it okay. Not at all. You didn’t stop, Jace, you just kept on crushing me, and gave up on us, on everything. You gave up on yourself and you gave up on me, and I never want to experience that again.”

  I was speechless. Her words weren’t unexpected, not at all, yet they robbed me of oxygen and my insides felt dry, like all the anticipation and optimism had been sucked right out of me. She sounded so resigned, having already accepted that we were done. We were over. I hadn’t accepted that, and I didn’t know if I could.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Pepper

  My heart is practically galloping in an odd mixture of joy, celebration, and empathy. Jace Wilder is crying in front of me. When I draw him near, from instinct alone, and his head rests on my chest, the tears turn into sobs, and his whole body starts to convulse, like he’s letting out all this despair he’s been keeping inside. This turmoil inside him that’s been festering for ages is leaking out, no, pouring out now, and it’s coming in the most unexpected form. Tears, weakness, shame, but mostly exposure. And I’m celebrating because it’s something I never ever thought I would see from Jace Wilder. It’s touching me everywhere, sending shoots of happiness through me because there’s no denying this is exactly what he needed. What we needed.

  He’s mumbling over and over how sorry he is, and that he’ll never hurt me again, but he’s not perfect, he’ll screw up but, oh, please, just give him another chance. It’s heart-wrenching, yet I’m smiling. Grinning. He’s a pathetic, sobbing mess, but I believe every word he’s uttering. At least, I want to believe it so badly that I find myself soothing him, and telling him, I know, it’s okay, I will give you a chance. Because aren’t I? In a way, I’ve given him a huge chance these last couple of months.

  He glances up then and breathes in deeply several times. “What?”

  “I’m giving you a chance, Jace. Okay? I said I never want to experience that heartbreak from you again. I don’t want you to give up on you, or me, or us, and the only way to prevent that is to never give you a chance to have anything to give up. But as soon as I let you in, just a foot in the door, you were all the way back in my life, Jace. Can’t you see that? I can’t stop it, even if I try. So, we’ll do this thing, okay? Unless I banished you from sight, doesn’t it feel a little bit inevitable?”

  He smashes his mouth to mine in that instant, and my heart thuds wildly with nostalgia, love, and terror. It wants to surrender to Jace again, but I’m fighting it down, holding it back, and keeping myself from the fire. It’s hot, but I’m not going to get burned this time.

  My first cross meet of the season is a success. I get first place. Not by much, and no records, but it’s my first individual collegiate cross country win. Officially, it’s called a “scrimmage” because it’s not part of our conference schedule, and we race teams from different divisions. It’s on our home course, and I won’t get another shot at the record until the conference championship, since we’re hosting it.

  Lexi wants to celebrate my win, but I’m not feeling it. I’ve been beating all my teammates at workouts, so I expected to be the top runner on our team. There weren’t really any standouts on the other teams today and the win doesn’t seem like a big deal. I would have been disappointed if I hadn’t won, but I’m not elated that I did win. It’s sort of depressing. To be honest, I think I’m just down because no one has found Wolfe yet, and it’s been over a month since the attack. Detective Marshall keeps calling it an assault, but that makes me think of the other path it could have taken, which involves an additional adjective, and I do not like going there.

  Finding Rex wasn’t much of a help, and Detective Marshall hasn’t called with an update in a while. I’m beginning to think they gave up already, and Wolfe Jenkins will be out there forever, while I’m living in fear he’ll return at any moment, ready for round three. Even Clayton hasn’t called recently. He continued getting in touch a few times to check up on how I’m doing, and I appreciate that. It shows he’s man enough to let go of his pride at being turned down in order to follow up with my well-being. I wonder if he heard about Jace and me, but it doesn’t really matter.

  Jace and I are together, I guess. It’s different though, really different. It’s cautious, at least on my part. Jace seems to get that I want to keep this relationship at arm’s length. I said it was inevitable, and that he’s all the way in my life now, but that’s only superficially. Yeah, he sleeps over every night, and probably will until Wolfe is found. And yeah, we talk all the time and hang out, but there isn’t much showing up randomly to see each other, or unplanned romantic gestures. Jace is playing off of me, and I’m glad he gets me and knows that if he gets too carried away I won’t like it.

  He’s probably still winding down after his game this afternoon, so I decide to head to Shadow Lane for dinner with Gran. I’m sick of cafeteria food and Lexi’s threatening to drag me out to something or other after her dinner date with Brax, so it’s best I get a good meal in me before she and Gina bring out the tequila bottle again.

  Gran’s made chicken pot pie and lemon meringue cake, two of my favorites, so I’m immediately suspicious. She’s doting on me tonight and is asking me all kinds of probing questions about life instead of launching into a tale about one of her recent adventures with her BFF Lulu.

  “Okay, Gran, spill,” I finally interrupt after she starts inquiring about my insomnia, and whether Jace sleeping over every night helps. Do we cuddle? She wants to know. The woman’s endearingly obnoxious sometimes.

  Gran stretches her arms out in front of her like she’s getting ready to exercise and then places her chin in her hands and gazes at me. “I’m getting married.” She delivers it just like that and we stare at each other for a solid minute before I can say anything.

  “To Wallace?”

  “Yes! To Wallace!” she exclaims, throwing her hands up. “Who else would I marry?”

  I shrug. Okay, so I thought this might happen one day, but you just never know with Gran. “When did he propose?” I ask, desperately trying to remain calm.

  “Yesterday.”

  “Is your last name changing?” I ask.

  “Heavens to Betsy, no! Bernadette Barker sounds hideous. No thank you. I’ve been a Jones most o’ my life, and your Gramps would turn over in his grave if I gave up his name, bless him.”

  “Bunny Barker has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

  Gran shakes her head and points at me. “Not much is going to change, you hear, and certainly not my name.”

  “You’re getting married, Gran,” I remind her. They’ll be living together. But I can’t bring myself to ask where they’ll be living yet. The idea that she won’t be on Shadow Lane, where I’ve lived my entire life, is too painful. “When’s the wedding?” I ask instead.

  “We’ll see,” she says with a shrug. “We’re just doing a small thing. It’s the second time around for both of us, after all.”

  I’m helping Gran clean up and getting ready to head back to purple house when she throws me even farther off kilter.

  “You know,” she muses, handing me a dish to dry, “we could do a joint wedding.”

  “Huh? Is Lulu engaged too?” It wouldn’t surprise me if they came up with some sort of scheme to get engaged and married at the same time.

  “No, silly! I mean you!”

  I almost drop the plate. “What?”

  “You and Jace! You two will be getting married soon, maybe we could have it next summer after he graduates.”

  “Okay Gran, I’m leaving now,” I say, hoping to brush it off and let her laugh like she didn’t really mean it. But she doesn’t laugh, just shoves some leftovers into a bag and sends me on my way, a devious twinkle in her eye, making me wonder if she knows me at all. Doesn’t she remember what he did to me less than two years ago? Doesn’t she understand that we’re toge
ther because, well, because it’s harder not to be? For now, that’s the case, but I’ll only be able to keep it this way for so long. I’ve just got to be able to keep my heart safe until he graduates.

  For some odd reason, I find myself walking to Jace’s apartment instead of purple house. I’ll drop off the leftovers, and tell him about Gran. He’ll understand why I’m a little, I don’t know, shaken. It’s cool, I’ll get through it, but changes to family dynamic are hard for me. They always have been. No one answers when I knock on the door, but it’s open a crack so I decide to go in and drop off the food in their fridge. I’m leaving a sticky note on the kitchen counter when Jace’s bedroom door opens, but it’s not Jace who comes out.

  It’s Veronica Finch.

  She startles and stops walking, and her expression is pure guilt. “Oh, hi Pepper,” she squeaks.

  “What were you doing in Jace’s room?” I’m not even pretending this is a pleasant conversation. I’m ready to attack, or defend, whatever the situation calls for.

  She tucks her hair behind her ear nervously. It seems a little fake, the whole guilty act, and I’m not sure why. “Oh, umm… well, Jace just left to meet you and he told me, to, um, get dressed and leave.”

  I stare at her. Hard. Is she messing with me?

  “What? He said what you guys have isn’t exclusive. You can’t get mad at me,” she protests, suddenly gaining confidence.

  I tear past her and swing open Jace’s door. I haven’t been in here since he broke up with me. He still lives in the same apartment, and it’s been hard for me to come back. We’ve been meeting at my place. I walk around, actually sniffing the air for any clues. I can’t believe this is happening.

  There are several framed photos of us on his dresser, and vaguely, I wonder if he just put them up, or left them there all this time. One is just of me, and it was taken this summer. I don’t remember him taking it, but my head is back and I’m laughing at something. Nothing could hurt me then. And nothing can now. But then I hear Lizzie, Frankie’s girlfriend, from the hallway.

  “Veronica,” she says angrily. “What are you doing here this time?”

  “What do you think?” Veronica responds snobbishly.

  Lizzie responds, but I can’t hear her. I’m about to go out there, to find out what Lizzie meant by “this time.” Has Veronica been here before? But as I’m leaving, my foot catches on something, and I glance down. It’s a lacy thong. And it’s not mine.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Jace

  Pepper wasn’t home, but Lexi said to just wait for her because she should be home soon. Apparently Lexi wanted me to help get Pepper into party mode, since my girlfriend just won her first college meet. I was more than willing to help with that. Pepper deserved to celebrate. She’d been so focused, despite the weight on her shoulders with Wolfe still out there somewhere.

  When she walked through her bedroom door and found me sitting in her armchair, scrolling through my phone, I didn’t notice anything wrong at first. But then she spoke.

  “So, Savannah Hawkins was too far away, huh?” She was trying for casual, but her tone was icy, something I’d never heard come from Pepper Jones.

  “What?” I sat up straighter, instantly on alert.

  Pepper turned slowly and looked at me. Her hands were at her sides, hanging there loosely, and I could see it was taking effort on her part. “Savannah wasn’t around so you decided to go for her best friend, Veronica? She’s pretty hot, I’m sure you had fun. Although, I don’t know why you had to do that, again. This time I would have just taken your word that you wanted to end things. You didn’t need to go out of your way.”

  “Pepper, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” There was unmistakable panic in my voice, and I hoped she didn’t read it as guilt on my part. Because even though I thought I knew what she was trying to insinuate, I was so fucking confused.

  Pepper pulled out something from her pocket and held it up. It was a lacy thong, and it was not something Pepper would wear. She was more of a boy shorts kind of girl. I shook my head. What was going on?

  “Recognize this? It’s Veronica’s. I found it on the floor in your bedroom just now, after I ran into Veronica leaving there. She said you and I weren’t exclusive. Anyway, I was dropping off leftovers from Gran. Chicken pot pie and lemon meringue cake. It’s all in your fridge if you want it.” Her haughty attitude was almost as strange and unexpected as the story she was telling me.

  “Pepper,” I started to defend myself. This was crazy. I wouldn’t touch Veronica with a ten-foot pole. But she wouldn’t let me talk.

  “Get out, Jace. And don’t come back.”

  It was the way she said it, so final, so resolute. I followed her order. But I looked back and told her, just so she knew, that I was innocent in this, at least.

  “Pepper. I have no idea why Veronica was at my apartment. She must have set me up.”

  Pepper just slammed the door in my face.

  Chapter Thirty

  Pepper

  I’ve probably had too much to drink, but I’m actually having a great time. After Jace left, we started a dance party in the kitchen, and I never even told my housemates what happened. Honestly, it’s just embarrassing at this point. The weird thing is, I’m not that upset. Actually, I’m a little relieved it happened now, when I’m still in control of myself. Tomorrow I’ll probably be sad and angry, but I think this time it’s different. He simply doesn’t have the power to hurt me like he once did. It was actually pretty empowering slamming the door on him like I did. Maybe I have a vindictive side, after all.

  We’re at some house party now, I have no idea where, and most of my teammates are here. Really, I think everyone at UC is at this party. The place is gigantic and the bodies are all mashed together so tightly that I can barely move. I’m sweating and bouncing up against people, and I can’t remember if I’m trying to get somewhere or if we’re dancing. It’s so loud in here that the voices and the music blend together with the bodies. Something spills down my neck, probably beer, and I laugh and try to spin around, but get stuck between people.

  “Pepper!” It’s Caroline Hopkins, and she’s in my face, shouting.

  “Whoa, dude! You’ll break my ears in half.”

  She giggles. “I don’t think that’s what you meant.”

  “Where’s Zeb? Isn’t he visiting you this weekend?” Caroline is with our former teammate, Zebulon, who now lives in Denver. He comes up a lot though and sometimes I forget he already graduated.

  “Yeah!” She’s shouting again; apparently those tequila shots got to her, as well. “He’s out back talking to famous dudes.”

  “What famous dudes? I do not like famous dudes,” I tell her, as an afterthought.

  “It’s the Rockies guys. I heard they like to show up randomly to party in Brockton now,” she says. “Probably because the pitcher likes this girl,” she adds mischievously. I give her a mean face. At least I think it’s a mean face, but she laughs.

  “That again? Just stop.” She doesn’t even know that Jace is out of the picture and now I’m hearing about Dennison all over again. Grrrrrrr.

  “Are you growling?” Caroline is laughing at me. Did I just growl out loud? I thought a growl but I didn’t know I said it too. Maybe I should go home and put myself to bed. No, I can’t do that. Because I’ll be all alone at the house. And alone in my bed. Without he-who-must-not-be-named. I’m tempted to growl again.

  “I need another drink,” I say decidedly. If I’m not going to sleep, then I’m going the other direction. I’m weaving through people, trying to find where the drinks are, when I spot a porch that looks very inviting. It’s really sticky and hot in here, and fresh air sounds wonderful. Plus, I think I see a keg.

  But as I step outside, I realize the group of guys by the keg are large, athletic, and play baseball. Shoot.

  “Hey! It’s Pepper Jones!” Juan calls out, and five heads turn. Zeb and Ryan are talking with Clayton, Juan, and
Mitch.

  “You guys are at a college house party,” I state, wondering if anyone else thinks this is strange.

  “We wanted to come see your meet, but we had a game,” Mitch tells me.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah, remember, the guys said they would come to your home meets. There’s another one though in a couple months, right?” Clayton asks. He never texted to say he was coming. I frown at him.

  “No?” Juan asks, laughing at my expression.

  “Yeah, Conference is home this year,” I tell them, turning away to pour myself a beer. I must not do it right because it’s mostly foam.

  Somehow, a well of emotion stirs inside me, dark and messy. Whether it’s the disappointment with the beer, the appearance of Clayton, Juan and Mitch, or simply a result of drinking too much, I’m filled with a strange sensation and I think it might be loneliness.

  “I have an idea!” I proclaim, surprising myself. “I think we should do beer miles.”

  “Right now?” Ryan asks.

  “What are beer miles?” Mitch asks.

  “It’s a track thing. A mile is four laps around the track, right? Well, you chug a beer between each lap and race each other. And you can’t puke.”

  I’ve never participated firsthand, but plenty of my track teammates make it a tradition, and it’s rarely the top milers on the team who win. Actually, keeping down four beers in a short period of time alone is hard for most people, and with the running in between, few get through the whole thing. I’ve been reluctant to even pretend I had a shot at completing it, but I’ve got a sudden urge to do something besides stand around on this porch.