I Ate All Your Cookies
Page 1
I Ate All
Your Cookies
(and other things you wish
you could tell your kids)
Quinn Conroy
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Introduction
Sure, we love kids. They’re cute. ( Ahem, most of the time.) They have little chubby faces that beg to be smooshed. Or cleaned. It really all de-pends on the day. So yes, obviously we love them—
we have wiped their butts after all, come on. But that doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes wish they were just a little smarter…or at least pretended to be smarter in public. Okay, maybe once in a while we think about admitting to them that we eat all the good stuff when they’re asleep, just to see the pissed- off look on their face. Or we dream about telling them that we are the ones who filled their stockings with all that awesome stuff— so cool it on the whole “Santa rules” thing, because really, Santa sucks.
Of course we have these thoughts. And that’s what I Ate All Your Cookies is all about. Laugh along with all the hilarious things you’ve ever wanted to say— but never will— to these relentless child overlords. What could be better therapy than laughing at them, all without their knowledge?
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The first time you
get your head stuck
in a banister is
understandable. The
third time makes me
consider IQ testing.
2
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The first time you
I am more proud of
get your head stuck
your ability to burp
in a banister is
the alphabet than any
understandable. The
ribbon or trophy you
third time makes me
could bring home.
consider IQ testing.
3
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4
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Your thinking
face is a lot
like your
pooping face.
5
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When you twirl
around and say, “Are
you watching?” the
answer is usually no.
6
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Your best friend is a twerp.
Let me be more specific.
He is clearly someone who
will live in his mother’s
basement well into middle
age, watching pro wrestling,
eating only Hot Pockets,
and rarely bathing.
Mark my words.
7
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8
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I know you're
miserable, but
its totally
worth it.
Suck it up.
9
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Soon, you’re going to learn how little I
really know about
parenting. I’m making
this crap up as I go
our
along. Don’t tell y
sister. She’s next.
10
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Soon, you’re going to learn how little I
really know about
Santa Claus? What
parenting. I’m making
Santa Claus? I'm the
this crap up as I go
idiot who stayed up
our
along. Don’t tell y
all night putting
sister. She’s next.
together that bike.
11
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I’m not saying you were a practice kid, but I am
saying that we plan on
doing a much better job
with the next one.
13
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Yes, I'm sorry you have the stomach flu. But I'm
even sorrier that you
wasted a damn good
pork chop before you
figured that out.
14
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Oh, yeah, that baseball player is really big and
strong. Let me tell you
a little story about
what steroids do to a
person's “down there.”
15
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16
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Yes, you’re right.
Farts are
always funny.
17
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kies.indd 17
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I lied. The cookies aren’t all gone. I’m
going to eat them
while you’re asleep.
And they’re going to
be delicious.
18
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I don’t want to
hear that Billy’s
mom did this,
Billy’s mom said
that. It’s time you
learned that Billy’s
mom is an asshole.
19
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You've been right all this time. Your brother
is my favorite child.
21
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t
No, the dog is no
actually living on a
farm chasing bunnies.
And that is why there
is no digging allowed
in the backyard.
22
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Sometimes it's okay to just be average.
And you're in luckÑ
I'm pretty sure that
"average" is in the
cards for you.
23
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24
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The fact that you still eat glue makes me
wonder if you’re really
as smart as I tell other
people you are.
25
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My main hope is that when you grow up, you
dislike the same people
I dislike so that we can
gossip about them for
hours on end.
26
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My main hope is that It is so much
when you grow up, you
easier to lo
dislike the same people
ve
yo
I dislike so that we can
u when you
gossip about them for
are sleeping.
hours on end.
27
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I almost always
lie about the
time so you
have to go to
bed earlier.
28
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I almost always
lie about the
time so you
have to go to
bed earlier.
29
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I know that hitting is not allowed, blah
blah blah. But man,
that Stevie kid
deserved it. What a
little shit.
30
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Yes, going to the dentist seriously sucks. Wait till
you see the crazy sharp
tools she’s going to use, too.
I would run if I were you.
31
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If I don't talk to
someone besides you
today, I might completely
lose my mind. You're
nice and all, but you're a
terrible conversationalist.
32
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If I don't talk to
someone besides you
today, I might completely
lose my mind. You're
nice and all, but you're a
terrible conversationalist.
33
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I would love to let you watch TV for
hours on end, believe
me. But I’m afraid that
if you rot your brain,
you’ll end up living
here for twenty more
years. And that is just
not happening.
34
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I would love to let you watch TV for
hours on end, believe
I'm sorry, that finger
me. But I’m afraid that
painting does not
if you rot your brain,
even vaguely resemble
you’ll end up living
me. How many noses
here for twenty more
do I have?
years. And that is just
not happening.
35
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36
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I’m finally starting to realize the after
effects of dropping
you on your head.
37
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Tattling doesn't make me like you more. It
just makes me wish
your brother was
better at not getting
caught by you.
38
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It’s true— you look exactly like your
daddy. I’m so, so sorry
about that.
39
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When I saw you stick a dead ant up your
nose at the playground,
I had the sudden urge
to tell all the other
parents that you
were adopted.
40
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When I saw you stick a dead ant up your
The only reason we walk
nose at the playground,
to your karate lesson
I had the sudden urge
is because Mrs. Johnson
to tell all the other
brought a flask last time.
parents that you
Meaning karate class
were adopted.
is now the happiest
of happy hours.
41
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42
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I promise never to dress you up like this again if
you promise to stop
sucking your thumb. You
can’t make that promise,
can you? Deal’s off!
43
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You are the
worst bowler I
have ever seen.
I mean, really.
There are frickin'
bumpers.
44
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If this family were You are the
a reality show, we
pro
worst bowler I
bably would
have voted y
have ever seen.
ou off
the island several
I mean, really.
episodes ago.
There are frickin'
bumpers.
&n
bsp; 45
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46
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Yes, I see you lost your t wo front
teeth. You look
completely
ridiculous.
47
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Sometimes I like to get you to cry just before the
babysitter comes, so I can
see the horrified look on
her face. Plus, I like to
make sure I get my
money’s worth!
48
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I know the principal wasn't happy, but those
dirty drawings you
did on the bathroom
stall were incredibly
accurate. Nice job!
49
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I'm not saying you
won't make it in college. I'm
just saying you should
probably get a job so you
can pay smarter kids to do
your work for you.
50
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I'm not saying you
You’re the reason
I’m on a first-name
won't make it in college. I'm
just saying you should
basis with the liquor
probably get a job so you
store clerk .
can pay smarter kids to do
your work for you.
51
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We think you’re
adorable, but
oh, man, are the
other kids going
to pick on you.
53
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It’s your fault you’re an only child. Maybe
if you weren’t so
demanding, you’d have
a baby brother or
sister by now.
54
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I actually can
kick your ass at
Candy Land.
And checkers.
And dominoes.
55
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The reason the
bedside drawer is
locked is because
dy
Mommy and Dad oys.
have their own t
56
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