I Ate All Your Cookies
Page 2
About sixty percent of your Halloween
candy ends up in my
belly any given year.
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I might believe the innocent
act if I hadn't just seen
you bite your brother and
try to pin it on the dog.
Actually, no, not even then.
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I might believe the innocent act if I hadn't just seen
you bite your brother and
try to pin it on the dog.
Actually, no, not even then.
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I’d love to tell you that your birth was some magical
experience, but really, it was
like some sort of horror
movie, fi lled with pain and
screaming and lots of gore.
Hooray!
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I’d love to tell you that your birth was some magical
This is what my life has
experience, but really, it was
become. A series of soul-
like some sort of horror
crushing questions:
movie, filled with pain and
screaming and lots of gore.
(1) Why can’t you ever
Hooray!
flush the toilet?
(2) Do you ever chew the
corn before swallowing it?
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I'm sorry, sweetie, but expressions like
this give me a glimpse
into your future as a
slack- jawed office drone.
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No, the lights aren't off because we're having a fun
flashlight night. The lights
are off because Mommy
and Daddy are one $200
electric bill away from
selling off your xbox
to a lucky craigslister.
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No, the lights aren't off Nothing is
because we're having a fun
funnier to me
flashlight night. The lights
than when y
are off because Mommy
ou
and Daddy are one $200
swear .
electric bill away from
selling off your xbox
to a lucky craigslister.
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If you fall asleep on there, I consider it
permission to take
enough photos to
make you Facebook
Famous.
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I do love you, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t
considered trying to
give you back to the
hospital at least once.
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I blame my
farts on you
whenever
possible.
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Remember when you threw my keys into the toilet and
the clicker never worked
again? Let's just say that Mr.
Fluffy got a very special
toilet- water bath that day.
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I know you think
pancakes for dinner
is super exciting,
but it’s really just
because Mommy
and Daddy are lazy
as shit today.
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Just once, when I have to run to the grocery
store, I wish I could
kennel you with the
dog instead of
taking you with me.
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I don't know what
you expected to
happen when you
demanded that third
jar of peaches.
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I lied about always having enough diapers
in the house when
you were a baby. You
were totally wrapped
in paper towels at
least once.
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What do you mean you haven’t had popcorn in
forever? I just had some
last night. Oh, that’s right.
I eat all the good stuff
when you’re asleep.
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It’s like reading tea leaves. I’m pretty
sure your forehead
wrinkles say, “Should
have used a condom.”
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I'd be happy to get you whatever it is you're
asking for, but I can't
understand a damn thing
you're saying since you
refuse to learn how
to speak clearly.
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I know you're my
kid and all, but
sometimes you are
a truly deranged
little weirdo.
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Close that yap.
I'm tempted to start
aiming jelly beans
your way.
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I’m counting down to the day when you
steal your fi rst car.
It’s coming— I feel
it in my bones.
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Wait to crap your pants until I’ve handed you
off to Uncle Paul next
time, okay? He’s been a
total dick lately.
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Clearly, one of
you just relieved
herself and the
other was just a
victim in all this.
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I lied— the car radio isn’t actually broke
The secret is that
when I
n. But
if I have to liste
break out the old "because
n to Radio
Disne
I said so," it means I've
y for one more
second, I w
given up. You really should
ill break all
t
take advantage of having
he speakers with a
the upper hand.
sledgehammer.
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I lied— the car radio isn’t actually broke
The secret is that when I
n. But
if I have to liste
break out the old "because
n to Radio
Disne
I said so," it means I've
y for one more
second, I w
given up. You really should
ill break all
t
take advantage of having
he speakers with a
the upper hand.
sledgehammer.
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I’m on to you. I know that smiles like this mean I can
expect to find a turd floating
in your bath water tonight.
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I know some people say they love the smell of their
baby’s head, but I really
haven’t been able to get past
the whole poop- and- puke
thing you’ve got going on.
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I'm jealous that you get to stare at weirdos, open-mouthed, but I'm supposed to
politely look away. I want
to gawk at that creepy guy
with the purple track suit
and nipple chains, too!
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I was wondering why you said no one at school seemed to
understand you. Then I saw you
walking home backward, stopping
sporadically to chase butterflies and sniff your armpits. Now I
know...You're that kid.
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When you bring home your latest papier- mâché creation
and tell me your teacher
says you have “a lot of
promise,” I have to wonder
where it is hiding.
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Nobody wants
to see all that.
Go put your
clothes back on.
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Keep scowling. It’s
like seeing the sixty-
year- old bald man
you will someday be.
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I'm not making another thing
for a bake sale until you learn
to pour a good, stiff drink
properly. How many times do
I have to tell you to go easy
on the club soda?
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Getting shots at the doctor is scary as
shit. You are totally
right to freak out.
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When you were first born, I wasn’t sure if I could
love you as much as I love
the dog. I totally do! But
it was a toss- up there
for a little while.
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I threw out that macaroni thing you did last week, and
I’m going to throw out the
next one, too. Six awful pieces
of art are quite enough for
the fridge.
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Dora is clearly on some serious drugs, honey.
No one is that happy.
Take it from me.
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If you don’t stop with the public tantrums, I’m going
to tell you where you
really came from. And
show you the video.
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The secret is that grounding you doesn't mean anything.
If you just shut your trap
for a couple of days, I'm
going to forget that I said
"no TV for a month."
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Oh, no. I just realized I’ve spawned the kind of
kid that steals other kids’
lunch money. Time to start
saving for that first bail.
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I sneak a toy of yours into the charity box
nearly every time I'm
home alone. And you
will never know.
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I can't wait until your face finally
grows into those
giant teeth. You
sort of do look
like a rabbit.
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No, you’re not getting a pet. I just watched
you lick a toenail
clipping you found on
the bathroom floor.
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Those princess tattoos covering your arms freak
me outÑI keep imagining
you as the head of a very
frilly biker gang, one
that doesn't know how to
share and always
demands fruit snacks.
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Could you try not to chew your gum like a cow chewing
cud? You’re starting to drool .
More importantly, you’re
embarrassing me.
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Yep, you’re super, all right. Super good
at pissing the bed
every other night.
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That letter from Santa telling you
to start making
my coffee in the
morning? Yeah, I
wrote that.
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For the love of god, can you stop tripping
over those feet
of yours? Sesame
Street Band- Aids are
expensive as shit.
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No, you probably don’t need that many layers. But
I wanted to see if I could
get your arms to stick
straight out like Randy in
A Christmas Story.
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Of course Mommy and Daddy share— we share
a Xanax before each
and every school concert
to dull the pain.
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You know that I
skip at least four
pages every time I
read you a bedtime
story, right?
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It’s times like
this when I wish
I could pretend
you’re not mine.
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Is there no limit to the amount of
snot your body
produces?
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Of course I have to tell you just to ignore
bullies. But really, nothing
shuts them up faster than a
swift punch to the crotch.
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You think I don’t know you’re scratching your
butt right now? You’re
not fooling anyone…
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I’m so pissed off that you were swearing at school,
but only because I have to
watch my damn mouth when
I’m around you now.
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When Aunt Linda brags about your cousin skipping a grade, I do feel a little jealous. Yesterday
you went outside for ten
seconds and came back with your
chin covered in mud, your shoes
missing, and a dead bird in your