Loving Liberty

by Belinda Boring

  “It’s more than they show me!” Erica snapped. “That kind of attention is better than none at all. You have no idea how grateful you should be; so yes, you deserved everything you got. And while you’re up here in your room crying, remember this: Get in my way again, and I’ll bury you. I’m done being second best.”

  “You are insane!” All these years I’d wondered why my relationship with my sister had soured. I never would’ve guessed the real the reason.

  “Maybe, but I do know this. I have everything I want now, or soon will. What do you have? Or more importantly who?”

  “Get out.” I’d finally reached my limit.

  “Sleep well, Liberty. If I see that waiter of yours, I’ll make sure to tell him how quickly you gave him up.”

  She’d already closed the door behind her when my pillow went sailing through the air, crashing into the wall. Screaming into the empty room, my temper gave way to more tears.

  As much as I hated to admit it, Erica was right. I had given Oliver up quickly, instantly, but for good reason. There would have been no Liberty if Dr. Stein had gotten his claws back into me.

  Why does it matter anyway? This is the life you’ve chosen. You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.

  And that’s exactly what I planned on doing.

  Even if it killed me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Three months passed by in a slow, torturous blur.

  On the outside, I was back to being the dutiful daughter who was easily malleable, but on the inside there was nothing but hopelessness. Each day that passed, separating me more from the freedom that had been within my grasp, I died a little more and fell further into darkness.

  At the beginning, I fought off the depression, reminding myself it had been my choice. Most of my life had been spent under my parents controlling thumb, so the logic was I should be used to it. The assumption was I would slide straight back into the old, familiar patterns of conformity.

  Yet, something had changed inside me. Those toxic habits were difficult to accept now, but I was adamant this was my only option. I’d loved the liberty I’d tasted. There were nights when sleep would evade me and I’d lie awake, wondering what would’ve happened if I’d not caved under the pressure. But slowly, even those images were stifled and buried deep within my subconscious.

  Some people were blessed to live out their dreams, others only caught fleeting glimpses of what could be. I was one of the later. There was no need to fight or wish for something that was never meant for me. Those brief moments would have to be enough to carry me through the rest of my life.

  Eventually Erica lost interest in tormenting me. Our conversation the day I’d said goodbye to Oliver had been an eye opener. There were times I wanted to confront her, air out our differences, so she could see my life wasn’t anything to be jealous of. But there were only so many painful, sarcastic taunts I could withstand. Slowly we returned to ignoring each other, again; her threat to bury me if I ever got in her way, always a barrier between us.

  My parents were the ones who surprised me. Not that they actually showed any remorse for their role in destroying my hope and dreams. They still remained pretty oblivious to anything other than their own goals, going about each day as if nothing had happened. Their daughter was slowly becoming an empty shell of herself, and yet it was business, as usual, for them.

  I didn’t respond to the knock on my door. Here, in the somewhat privacy of my room, I’d begun sleeping later and later on the weekends, seeing no point in getting up unless I had to. Insomnia had become my new friend; so, when there was an opportunity to grab a few blessed hours of escape, I seized them.

  “Miss Liberty? Your parents want you to come downstairs. They also asked you bring something warm. It’s overcast outside.” Footsteps faded as the servant left.

  Pulling the blankets over my head, I savored the last few moments of protection. My mind scrambled to figure out what they wanted. What offence am I being accused of now? My obedient attitude was above reproach. I continually did everything that I was ordered and, even though it wasn’t real, my perfect smile had never faltered. My heart was no longer in it, but they didn’t care about my feelings; so this new summons was confusing.

  They didn’t like being kept waiting, a lesson drummed into me since early childhood. Quickly getting dressed, I hurried downstairs, ready to give another performance. My movements were a little mechanical, something I knew stemmed from the depression that had taken up residence within me. But as unaware as my parents were, I didn’t think they’d notice.

  “Good, you’re up and dressed” My mother beamed, clearly excited about something. “Go grab your coat. Your father and I would like to take you somewhere.”

  Instantly, my defenses were up. Everything fell into place. My act hadn’t convinced them of anything. They knew I sometimes daydreamed of Oliver and my independence, my secret thoughts had betrayed me somehow. A trip meant only one thing: Dr. Stein’s treatment facility.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, my voice shaking.

  “Why are you nervous, Liberty?” My father’s keen ear had detected my fear as he eyed me suspiciously.

  “I’m not,” I stammered. “I just . . .”

  “For goodness sake, what’s wrong with you?” Now my mother was staring at me.

  “Am I in trouble? Haven’t I been good enough?” Fidgeting with the bottom of my shirt, all I could think about was how I’d failed, yet again. “Please don’t take me to Dr. Stein. Please. I’ll try harder.”

  “What are you talking about?” My father strode over and grabbed me by both shoulders. “Is there something you’ve been hiding?”

  “No, sir. I thought because you were taking me somewhere . . . I mean, I know I’ve been sad lately and . . . I just . . .” With each word, I dug myself deeper and deeper.

  “Dear girl, relax. We know you’ve been trying; and yes, we’ve noticed how sad you’ve become. Now, do what your mother asked and get your coat. We have a surprise for you.”

  Still not convinced, I did what I was told and minutes later I was sitting in the back of my dad’s Bentley. My parents were still tight lipped about where we were going, talking softly amongst themselves. When we left Mercer Island and headed toward Seattle, my curiosity overcame my fear. As far as I knew, Dr. Stein didn’t have a downtown office; so, maybe there wasn’t anything to panic about.

  I tried not to think about the few times Oliver and I had rode these streets on his motorcycle, when we went to lunch, and when he brought me to Pier 57. As we passed by the Inferno, I shut my eyes, refusing to acknowledge its existence. It was painful enough to see it in my memory without the evidence of its actual existence plunging a dagger into my fragile heart.

  “We’re here,” my father said, as he climbed out of the driver’s seat. Taking a deep breath, I slowly opened my eyes again, definitely questioning the expensive looking apartment building my parents were getting ready to enter. Scrambling after them, there was no mistaking the friendly tone and handshake shared between my parents and the stranger who met them at the door.

  “Here to see the apartment, Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery?” The middle-aged man inquired, standing as he walked us over to the elevator. He was dressed professionally, his white shirt and tan pants crisply starched and I returned the smile he gave me.

  “We are. Matthew, this is my daughter, Liberty. She’s the one I told you about a few days ago.” I waited for my father to disclose more, but the elevator arrived, forcing us to enter the small carriage.

  “Pleased to meet you, Liberty,” he replied before turning back to my father. “Everything is as you specified. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to let me know and I’ll arrange for it.” Matthew pushed the top floor button and stood against the wall.

  “Thank you.” Smiling, my father nodded. As the doors closed and we began rising, I couldn’t take the suspense anymore.

  “What’s going on? Why are we here?” I knew I was breaking a cardinal r
ule, but that didn’t stop me firing my questions. Matthew glanced at my parents, surprised at my outburst.

  “I believe this the most alive I’ve seen you in weeks.” His admission told me I hadn’t been as good an actress as I thought.

  “Tell her, Lyle,” my mother urged.

  “In a moment, dear. All in good time.”

  No one spoke for the rest of the journey upward. Classical music played softly over the compartment’s speakers, with a faint ding sounding as we passed by each floor. Nerves fluttered in my stomach, anxiety mingled with the feeblest of hope. A small voice in my head whispered a possible reason for this outing, but I fought against it. It was too good to be true. There was no way my parents would ever allow such a thing.

  A bell chimed when we reached the floor. Stepping out, Matthew dug into his pockets and produced a key.

  “Mind you, this is an experiment. One I can put a stop to at any time; but we want you to know we’re not as callous as you think. We’ve noticed how withdrawn you are lately, and we do recognize the effort you’ve been making. Consider this a reward.” He guided me into the spacious apartment. “A small piece of freedom.”

  I was speechless. The tiny glimmer of hope had been right. This had to be some kind of dream or mistake. “Are you serious? I can live here . . . alone?”

  “Yes. But you must prove to me you can be trusted and deserve a chance to be somewhat independent. There will be rules and conditions to this. You’ll need to agree to them, but yes.” My father’s stern face took on a softer appearance. “Don’t let me down.”

  My mother joined us, rubbing my arm with her hand. “What do you think?”

  Glancing around, I didn’t know where to explore first. The apartment walls were white, giving the space an open feel, the vaulted ceilings adding to the experience. My shoes sank a little into the plush carpeting as I soaked it all in. This was going to be mine—my small piece of heaven away from the prying eyes of my parents.

  “Can I give you a tour, Liberty?” Matthew interrupted, chuckling low at my obvious wonder. There were so many possibilities.

  For the first time in weeks, life breathed through me and my spirits began lifting. “Yes, please. Thank you.”

  “Well, as you can see we passed through a full, functioning kitchen, complete with the latest gadgets and appliances. You’ll have plenty of cupboard space for your dishes and food, plus I’m sure if you need more, you can convert the entryway closet into a pantry. This is the living room. It’s wired for high speed Internet, which will help with your studying, and you also have a private patio.” I followed him over to the other set of doors, and nodded.

  “The view’s amazing.” Looking over at my parents, I smiled. “I could read out there, as well. With a comfortable chair, this would be perfect during the summer; and in the winter, I could relax in front of the fireplace.”

  “I thought the same thing,” my mother confided.

  The master bedroom was about twice the size of my bedroom, making me feel like I was a little girl in a giant’s home. The walk-in closet was big enough to put a bed, and I couldn’t shake my amazement. There had to be a catch somewhere, some hidden agenda, and my gut feeling was telling me that it meant trouble.

  I knew better than to ask, with Matthew hovering near us, his running commentary now focused on the bathroom. When his phone rang and he excused himself, I seized the chance.

  “Why? I thought you wanted to keep me at home.” Turning to face my parents, I studied their reactions, looking for any telltale explanation.

  “You’re acting as though you don’t want to live here,” my father replied.

  “I’m merely confused. That day in your office, you told me that the world was a tough place and you didn’t want me getting hurt. This doesn’t make sense.”

  “I know what I said and I still believe it’s true. I also realize that you may have been right, as well. Your mother and I brought you here as a compromise.”

  Here it was—the catch.

  “Okay . . .” My answer came out slowly.

  “We’re willing to allow you to live here with the conditions you come home for the weekends and you continue doing well in school. Anything less than a perfect GPA and we’ll revoke this privilege.”

  My thoughts instantly flew to Oliver. Having my own place meant having enough wiggle room so I could call him and beg for his forgiveness. Hopefully he hadn’t met someone else or decided that with all my baggage, I wasn’t worth the trouble. I could also see his friends again, especially Molly, whom I missed terribly.

  “Before you agree, there’s one requirement that’s not negotiable. You will not contact that waiter or resume your relationship. We will continue to approve your friendships. I would think between your family obligations and school, you’ll be too busy, anyway.”

  Once again, my fragile hope was crushed. The opportunity to see Oliver was the one bonus that made taking this risk worth taking. Even though I’d spent all my life with my parents, there was no way of fully comprehending the way my father’s mind worked. He’d laid out his offer and it appeared straight forward, but he was also a master at speaking half-truths. I’d fallen for his deals before.

  “Is that all?” I asked.

  “Of course, we also reserve the right to come here whenever we deem it necessary and add any future conditions to the agreement. But this is a good bargain, Liberty. Not many young girls get this kind of opportunity. Most stay with their parents until they’re ready to move in with their husbands. We’re affording you a great concession. I’d suggest you don’t question it and just accept.”

  “Unless you wish to remain home with us,” my mother added.

  There was no way to know if this was really going to be everything I’d hoped, but the idea of being on my own too tempting to refuse it based on the chance it was another manipulation. “Thanks, Mom and Dad. I love it. I want to move in and I agree to your terms.”

  “Oh, There is one other thing I forgot to mention. You’ll also be seeing Dr. Stein once every two weeks, purely as a precaution. While I know you want your independence, your mother and I don’t want it to overwhelm you. You’ll do this to give your parents peace of mind.”

  Matthew was wrapping up his conversation and heading toward us, leaving no time for me to say anything. It was on the tip of my tongue to refuse the deal and remain living at home. I knew why the psychotherapist had been added to the conditions—he was a safeguard to prevent me from secretly defying my parents’ wishes. Once again, my father proved what a shrewd businessman he was. He all but guaranteed my compliance.

  “So, what’s the verdict?” Matthew queried, clapping his hands together.

  My parents both looked at me. It was my decision, one where the pros and cons were equal: My freedom vs. an hourly therapy session with Dr. Stein every other week. It all depended on how much I was willing to endure to make this small step forward.

  “Yes, I’d like to live here,” I answered, all while secretly praying this wasn’t a huge mistake. Somehow, someway, I’d make this work. Sure, I didn’t like the therapy condition, but I had to look at the bigger picture. Being out from under their constant supervision would give me a little wiggle room, some breathing space to figure out my future.

  “Excellent. Here are your keys. You can begin moving in. Now, let me show you what else Centennial and Court Apartments has to offer.”

  Travelling back down through the floors, we stopped to see the fitness center, and pool. Things were looking somewhat brighter. Oliver told me sometimes change came in baby steps.

  I just hoped this one wouldn’t lead to my utter downfall.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Humming under my breath, I kicked the front door closed before dropping what was in my arms onto the kitchen counter. Life in the apartment had strangely been an adjustment living with my parents; but there was no doubt I was thriving.

  With the go ahead from my father, my mother had not so graciously stepped b
ack and left me in charge of decorating my new sanctuary. And although he’d told me to spare no expense, the new décor reflected my simple tastes. I knew it bothered my mother that she couldn’t charge in and take over, but a few whispered words from Dad had silenced her. The blank canvas it had been a month ago was now alive with splashes of color.

  Coming out of the side entrance at the market, today, I instinctively glanced over at the Ferris Wheel. I tried not thinking about him all the time, but reminders like that seemed unavoidable. It didn’t matter where I was or doing, my mind would naturally wander to Oliver, wondering if he was thinking about me, as well.

  I’d almost caved in my resolve to let him go when I’d absently picked up my new phone and started calling him. I’d convinced myself that my father would never know I’d broken my promise; and with my new number, Oliver wouldn’t know it was me. Hearing his voice was a temptation I’d hoped would fade.

  Some days were easier than others. Today, it was stronger than ever.

  I missed him. The pain of losing him as fresh as the day I’d said goodbye.

  Reaching up for a vase and filling it with water, I began arranging the tulips I’d bought from Pike’s Market. Belltown was an exciting place to live for someone who’d grown up sheltered. Browsing through the market gave me a thrill. My favorite parts were being surrounded by stall after stall of flowers and watching the men toss around fish. I always left with a huge smile, not really bothered by the smell.

  Today, there was no resisting the tulips in several pretty pink shades. I was developing a real soft spot for them. Once complete, the arrangement looked perfect on the small, tiled dining table. Life was good and I was content—when I didn’t think about Oliver.

  Staring at my phone, there was no doubt a distraction was needed. As if suspecting how weak I was, there was a knock at the door.