Loving Liberty

by Belinda Boring

  “Never a coward. Do you hear me?” Molly took on a fierce tone. “You endure things I know I’d buckle under. It takes strength to face what you do every day and keep going.”

  “Real strength would be leaving. I let my fear control me. Even now, I know if my father showed up with that therapist, I’d cave to whatever demands he made, in a heartbeat. Tell me I’m not a coward . . . that’s the very definition of it.”

  Neither of us said anything. I knew Molly wanted to push the issue of me leaving, but each time I thought about it, fear practically immobilized me.

  “I know it’s a risk . . .”

  “Some risks aren’t worth taking,” I interrupted.

  Molly fell back into silence. It meant a lot that she’d come. I’d missed her and had desperately needed to know how Oliver was.

  “Will you tell him you came here?”

  “Yeah, he might get upset, but you’re both stubborn and someone had to step in.”

  “I’m sorry I can’t give you a happy ending for this. If things were different.” Shrugging, I let out a heavy sigh.

  “I’m going to say something, Liberty, and you don’t have to answer right now. Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay?” When I nodded, Molly smiled. “I’m not denying you’re in a difficult situation, the worst actually. I don’t know how you stand it, but it’s not my place to tell you how to live your life. I will say this, though. If you honestly and truly want things to be different, the change has to come from within you. Don’t expect others to do it. They’ve already proven they enjoy the ways things are and their actions aren’t hurting them. They have no need to change.

  “I know it’s terrifying. It’ll take a huge leap of faith, but the risk is worth it. Think about everything you have to gain by doing things your way, by your rules. Yes, you’ll need to dig deeper than you ever have. Yes, you’ll need to ignore all the doubt and fear that’s been brewing around inside you. Bullies target those feelings and use them to manipulate their victims so they always retain power. Aren’t you tired of it? Isn’t it time for you to say no?”

  “But . . .”

  “Wait, I’m almost finished, and then I need to get going. You are stronger than you think and everything you need to have the life you want is right inside you. It’s just buried under all the garbage. Liberty, throw it all out; stop holding onto it. Let it go before you wake up one morning and realize you’ve never truly lived. Please.” Molly stood, pulling me up with her. Her face was filled with concern, her eyes twinkling with held back tears. “Be the change you need. Don’t wait for others. That’s when you’ll finally have that freedom you want. I promise you, the risk is worth it.”

  Giving me one last hug, we said goodbye, my emotions forming a lump in my throat. I wanted to tell her I’d already decided, but something still held me back. However, her words had hit their target, my heart was rekindling the hope I’d tried to stifle.

  Instead of going directly home, I wandered the streets aimlessly as Molly’s heartfelt plea and advice echoing in my mind. Everything she said made sense. It was exactly what I’d tell someone else if they were in the same position. I also knew it made me a hypocrite as I began dissecting each statement, refuting each comment. But old habits were hard to change. This was how things had always been.

  Who was I to break the cycle?

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  One step into my apartment, two hours later, emotionally exhausted from walking, and the walls felt they were crashing down around me. Instead of seeing the sanctuary I’d fought for and decorated, everything resembled a gilded cage. This wasn’t a safe haven at all; it was merely a different version of the prison I’d grown up in.

  Whether it was the conversation with Molly, or the inner battle waging within me, there was no denying I’d been fooled. This wasn’t true independence. This apartment was nothing short of my parents’ attempt at placating me while they searched for stronger ways to control my life.

  I thought I had freedom; but now, I can see that I was being slowly suffocated. Throwing open the patio doors did little to ease the panic lodged in my chest, either. The cold breeze caressed my face like a chilled hand, but it did nothing to soothe the fire brewing inside. I gripped the railing tightly.

  You can’t keep living like this, I uttered. Night was quickly approaching, with the sun making its last stand before it dipped below the horizon and giving way to the stars. Light was already fading, the perfect representation of how I was feeling. Every time my life seemed to run smoothly, along came someone or something to send it careening into chaos.

  Molly’s intentions were good, honorable even, and I knew they came from a place of love. She’d followed her heart, said what she’d needed to say, but she got to go home to something entirely different from me. She didn’t have restrictions or family threating her at every turn. At the end of the day, while I appreciated her heartfelt words, they were still just that—another lecture to add to the collection I’d been storing in my head.

  Everyone seemed to have advice. It didn’t solve anything, though.

  You know how to solve this.

  I was tired of listening to this particular voice.

  You can ignore me. You can ignore everyone, but how long can you shut out how miserable you are? How much you hate who you’re becoming?

  Letting out a sigh, I clenched my jaw, not wanting to give in to this part of me.

  Admit it. As you listened to Molly today, something inside you agreed. Why are you so afraid to choose yourself? You’ve spent so much energy choosing everyone else and trying to fit their expectations, don’t you just want to be you?

  You know I do! I snapped, unable to ignore any longer. Don’t you think I hate looking in the mirror and not liking who I see? Or hearing the words that come out of my mouth, knowing they don’t really reflect who I am?

  The voice was quiet but it didn’t stop me from ranting.

  I’m tired of always being afraid, of never knowing what might happen from one moment to the next. I’d love to wake up in the morning, confident that I’ll reach the evening without being attacked, controlled, or manipulated. I want friends, someone to love, and a life that doesn’t have to be pre-approved. I want to be able to say no and stick by it. I want to resist folding under pressure, no matter the threat. I want to be able to truly breathe. I want to live, not merely survive.

  I caught myself breathing heavy, blazing hot anger churning. Even though I’d never said those things out loud, they still rang hard. The desires I’d kept hidden under everyone else’s truths.

  Then do it! Stop giving your power to others.

  I have no power!

  You do, you just don’t believe in yourself. There’s nothing you can’t do if you’d only believe.

  Fear reared its ugly head, warning me how dangerous this kind of thinking had been in the past.

  I’m done listening. I slammed close the inner conversation, furious. I couldn’t keep doing this—tossing back and forth between hope and defeat. History had shown me time after time that any attempt I made resulted in failure. I knew me the best and what was possible—not Oliver, Molly, or the voice in my head.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t so easily buried now. My defenses had taken a serious blow today, and the voice didn’t want to be silenced.

  When are you going to stop running?

  With no homework to do, my evening was completely empty, so my thoughts could keep badgering me.

  This is where you could be with Oliver and Molly. Having fun. Being young and carefree.

  There was no way I could endure the constant poking at my resolve. Practically running to my room, I changed into my pajamas with lightning speed. The sooner I was asleep; the sooner this day would be over. Tomorrow, everything would be back to normal—my determination intact.

  The blinking light from my landline caught my eye. I didn’t really use it, preferring my cell, but my mother had insisted. Pushing the voicemail button, the recording st
arted playing as I tossed my dirty clothes in the hamper. The first was a telemarketer wanting to sell me insurance, but the second made my blood run cold.

  I’d expected it. Dr. Stein’s voice filled my bedroom, violating it with his request to see me the next day. The arrangement had been I see him twice a month, but when the call ended, I realized that had been a lie too. He had all the access he wanted—my father giving him the leeway necessary. It was now obvious that even if I sneezed, he’d call me to his office.

  The barrier I’d been maintaining to keep reason and logic out, crumbled. There was no way I could keep blocking this all out. Sooner or later, the giant pile would become too big to contain, and that moment had finally arrived. Realization struck me so hard that I dropped to the ground, my knees no longer able to withstand the heavy burden I’d been carrying.

  A gut-wrenching sob began deep within me and journeyed up through me until it erupted out—the noise explosive. All the pain and horror I’d stifled for all these years was given voice, the heartache and fury now free to escape. Tears streamed like a torrential rain as I curled into the fetal position, holding myself as though at any moment I’d come apart at the seams.

  There was no end to the anguish. Years of pent up frustration and hurt spilled out from my heart. Wave after wave crashed over me, sweeping through every corner and purging me from the destruction others had inflicted.

  Guilt, shame, and justification—each and every emotion came forward and was dismissed. Only anger remained—anger at those who had taken advantage of me and at myself, for allowing it. But this time, the anger was greater than my fear. In a mighty confrontation, they both stood toe to toe, willing the other to wither under their steely facades. I screamed from the pressure, the two sides holding nothing back as they fought for supremacy. Everything was on the line. Whoever won would either make or break me, because I was just too exhausted to keep on pretending that I could keep them both in balance.

  I couldn’t live like this, anymore. Something had to give.

  Crawling across the floor, the decision was made.

  Oliver. Help.

  Adding my address to the message, I sent it and let the phone fall from my hands.

  I was going to make my stand.

  My anger had finally won.

  The sobbing had stopped by the time I heard Oliver knocking at the door. Not caring how I looked, I answered. The second he walked in, my arms wrapped around him, my face buried into the front of his shirt as new tears began flowing. An overwhelming sense of protection enveloped me, lending me strength. This time I didn’t need it as much because today’s revelation had given me my own.

  True to his style, Oliver didn’t speak as he let me empty my heart one more time. He didn’t care that when I finally finished, his shirt clung to his chest. He understood that in my grief, there was a message for him; one that I’d tell him once I found the right words. He was here, holding me. For the first time in a very long time, everything felt right.

  Brushing back the hair from my face, he leaned down so he could look into my eyes. “I’m here, sweetheart. What happened?” The kindness underlying his features was like a balm on my battered spirit. It was something I knew I’d never take for granted again.

  “I’m ready. I’m so ready, Oliver,” I hiccupped, slowly regaining control over my crying. “And you were right. I just needed to decide. I’m so sorry. Just so sorry.”

  He held me close against his chest as I cried some more. After years and years of hiding how I felt, the dam had been broken. This time, instead of feeling weak for not being able to govern myself, I grew strong. Each tear represented a hurt that had lost its power.

  “Shush, let it go,” he whispered into my hair, his hand rubbing up and down my back. “Don’t worry about anything. Just let it all out.”

  “I. Can’t. Believe. I. Gave. In.” The words came out in bursts. “I’m sorry, Oliver.”

  “There’s no need to apologize. We’re okay. You’re okay.”

  I stepped out of his embrace, shaking my head. “But I do. You were there the whole time and I just walked away. How can you forgive me so easily?”

  “Because I’m not your family, Liberty. I know your heart and knew that when you were ready, you’d reach for me.” The soft smile that spread across his face warmed me.

  I couldn’t stop from touching his mouth. My fingers traced his bottom lip before trailing along his jawline. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “That’s a belief I look forward to proving wrong. You deserve the world. Every dream, hope and wish. No more putting yourself down. All this negativity? You don’t need it.”

  “I’m trying.” I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Oliver’s face. After being apart from him for so long, it was hard to believe he was really here. “Are you real?”

  He chuckled low, cupping my cheek. “In the flesh. Were you serious about being ready? I don’t want to rush you if you’re not?”

  I knew the importance of what I was about to say. “For the first time in my life, I’m prepared to fight for what I want, regardless of the consequences. I’m taking back my power and keeping it for myself.”

  “I knew you could do it, sweetheart. I knew you’d find the strength you needed.”

  “It’s because of you,” I whispered.

  “No, it’s because of you. You did this. You fought your inner demons and won.” Oliver reminded me, as his thumb brushed over my skin.

  “I did, didn’t I?” Awe filled my voice. Events replayed quickly in my mind, showing me some of the most pivotal revelations had come when I was alone. The necessary, defining moments belongs to me—my hard earned spoils of the war I’d endured.

  “Have I told you how proud I am?”

  “No,” I replied, my hands holding onto the bottom of his shirt.

  “Then let me show you.”

  Rising up on my tiptoes, I met Oliver halfway as he covered my mouth with his. It was the sweetest of reunions and I felt something click into place, like the missing piece to my puzzle had finally found its home.

  His hands worked their way up into my hair, encircling the back of my head. His lips caressed mine like he was savoring this moment just as much as I was. Every brush sent bursts through my body. This kiss was gentle, like a whisper, but it held the promise of being the first of many more.

  I leaned into him, not wanting it to end. I needed more for him. I wanted to reclaim the fire that had burned boldly between us at Inferno. I longed for that “alive” feeling that kissing him had given me. I was done settling for the scraps others tossed my way. It was time to seize everything life had to offer, starting right now.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepened our kiss, opening my mouth to him. Oliver needed no other invitation. He lifted me off my toes, fully capturing me in his embrace as he pressed my body against his. The sensation was nothing short of euphoric, my insides singing in joyful release. Love swept through me, banishing all residual fear. I would not only survive what was to come, I would thrive.

  When my feet touched the ground, we were both slightly breathless.

  “I knew you’d come.” I admitted, our foreheads resting together.

  “I told you I would. I’ll always come for you. No matter what.”

  “I love you, Oliver. I’m sorry if that’s too soon to say that, but I need you to know.” The second those three words escaped, it felt right. If I was going to start living truthfully, it had to start with saying what was in my heart.

  “I love you too, Liberty,” he answered. He feathered extra kisses from my mouth to my cheek and down my neck. “Never apologize for telling me how you feel.”

  “I do that a lot, don’t I?” I laughed, giddy over hearing him say it back and knowing he meant it.

  “Yeah, but it’s an easy habit to break.” Oliver’s smile told me he’d help me with it, as well. “Go get dressed. There’s somewhere I want to take you.”

  “Where?”

  “It’s a s
urprise. Let’s just say we need to celebrate the occasion.”

  I gave him one more kiss before running into my bedroom to change. Stepping over the place where I’d had my painful meltdown earlier, it struck me how quickly things could change, once a decision was made.

  I told you so, my inner voice spoke faintly.

  Things were far from perfect. There was still the battle of telling my parents, but I was armed with a newfound confidence and sense of empowerment.

  If needed, I could take on the world.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “What are we doing here, Oliver?” Taking off the helmet, I stared around as he helped me off his bike. It thrilled me being so close to the Chihuly Gardens again, but I didn’t think that was why we were here. Oliver would’ve said something instead of keeping it a secret. I’d never been to the Seattle Space Needle, before because my parents thought it was uncouth to act like a tourist. Maybe that was it. Had I told him that I’d never been? All I knew was that being with Oliver made me want to explore more of the city I’d grown up in, uncover the other amazing places I’d missed out on.

  “You’ll see. We need to hurry, because they’ll be closing soon.” He took hold of my hand, the excited smile on his face causing the corners of his blue eyes to crinkle at the edges.

  We hurried over to the ticket office, my gaze constantly drawn upward. The Space Needle was such an iconic symbol to this city and butterflies fluttered in my stomach. It wasn’t the tallest structure in the world, but it was definitely respect-worthy.

  “Enjoy your visit. We close at 11:30.” The lady behind the glass pushed the tickets toward Oliver. “You’ve picked a good night for it.”

  “Thanks,” Oliver replied. There was an enthusiastic energy about him that was contagious. He had something up his sleeve and my curiosity went into overdrive, trying to figure out why he’d chosen this place for us to celebrate. “Let’s go.”