The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  SECOND FOOTMAN. What peasants were they?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to buy some land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one of them the father of the butler's assistant. Well, so they were asked into the kitchen. It so happened that there was thought-reading going on. Something was hidden in the kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came down, and the mistress saw the peasants. There was such a row! "How is this," she says; "these people may be infected, and they are let into the kitchen!" ... She is terribly afraid of this infection.

  Enter Gregory.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Gregory, you go and help Jacob. I'll stay here. He can't manage alone.

  GREGORY. He's awkward, that's why he can't manage. [Exit].

  FIRST FOOTMAN. And what is this new mania they have got? This infection!... So yours also is afraid of it?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business, nowadays, is fumigating, washing, and sprinkling.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. I see. That's why there is such a stuffy smell here. [With animation] I don't know what we're coming to with these infection notions. It's just detestable! They seem to have forgotten the Lord. There's our master's sister, Princess Mosolóva, her daughter was dying and, will you believe it, neither father nor mother would come near her! So she died without their having taken leave of her. And the daughter cried, and called them to say good-bye--but they didn't go! The doctor had discovered some infection or other! And yet their own maid and a trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened to them; they're still alive!

  Enter Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef from Vasíly Leoníditch's room, smoking cigarettes.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Come along then, only I must take Koko--Cocoanut, with me.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Your Koko is a regular dolt; I can't bear him. A hare-brained fellow, a regular gad-about! Without any kind of occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, what?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say good-bye.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the coachman's room. I've got a dog there that's so savage, the coachman said, he nearly ate him.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog?

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You are always at it! [Puts on outdoor things and goes out].

  PETRÍSTCHEF [thoughtfully] Ma-kin-tosh, Co-co-tin.... Let's see. [Goes upstairs].

  Jacob runs across the stage.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What's the matter?

  JACOB. There is no more thin bread and butter. I said ... [Exit].

  SECOND FOOTMAN. And then our master's little son fell ill, and they sent him at once to an hotel with his nurse, and there he died without his mother.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. They don't seem to fear sin! I think you cannot escape from God anywhere.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's what I think.

  Jacob runs upstairs with bread and butter.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. One should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of everybody like that, we'd better shut ourselves up within four walls, as in a prison, and stick there!

  Enter Tánya; she bows to the Footmen.

  TÁNYA. Good afternoon.

  Footmen bow.

  TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, I have a word to say to you.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what?

  TÁNYA. The peasants have come again, Theodore Ivánitch ...

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well? I gave the paper to Simon.

  TÁNYA. I have given them the paper. They were that grateful! I can't say how! Now they only ask you to take the money.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But where are they?

  TÁNYA. Here, by the porch.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, I'll tell the master.

  TÁNYA. I have another request to you, dear Theodore Ivánitch.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What now?

  TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, Theodore Ivánitch, I can't remain here any longer. Ask them to let me go.

  Enter Jacob, running.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Jacob] What d'you want?

  JACOB. Another samovár, and oranges.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Ask the housekeeper.

  Exit Jacob.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Tánya] How is that?

  TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, my position is such ...

  JACOB [runs in] There are not enough oranges.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Serve up as many as you've got [Exit Jacob]. Now's not the time! Just see what a bustle we are in.

  TÁNYA. But you know yourself, Theodore Ivánitch, there is no end to this bustle; one might wait for ever--you know yourself--and my affair is for life.... Dear Theodore Ivánitch, you have done me a good turn, be a father to me now, choose the right moment and tell her, or else she'll get angry and won't let me have my passport.[19]

  [19] Employers have charge of the servants' passports, and in this way have a hold on them in case of misconduct.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Where's the hurry?

  TÁNYA. Why, Theodore Ivánitch, it's all settled now.... And I could go to my godmother's and get ready, and then after Easter we'd get married.[20] Do tell her, dear Theodore Ivánitch!

  [20] See footnote, p. 28. It is customary for peasants to marry just after Easter, but when spring has come and the field work begun, no marriages take place among them till autumn.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go away--this is not the place.

  An elderly Gentleman comes downstairs, puts on overcoat, and goes out followed by the Second Footman.

  Exit Tánya. Enter Jacob.

  JACOB. Just fancy, Theodore Ivánitch, it's too bad! She wants to discharge me now! She says, "You break everything, and forget Frisk, and you let the peasants into the kitchen against my orders!" And you know very well that I knew nothing about it. Tatyána told me, "Take them into the kitchen"; how could I tell whose order it was?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Did the mistress speak to you?

  JACOB. She's just spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore Ivánitch! You see, my people in the country are only just getting on their feet, and suppose I lose my place, when shall I get another? Theodore Ivánitch, do, please!

  Anna Pávlovna comes down with the old Countess, whom she is seeing off. The Countess has false teeth and hair. The First Footman helps the Countess into her outdoor things.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched.

  COUNTESS. If it were not for my illness, I should come oftener to see you.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You should really consult Peter Petróvitch. He is rough, but nobody can soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so simple.

  COUNTESS. Oh no, I shall keep to the one I am used to.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Pray, take care of yourself.

  COUNTESS. Merci, mille fois merci.[21]

  [21] COUNTESS. Thank you (for your hospitality), a thousand thanks.

  Gregory, dishevelled and excited, jumps out from the servants' quarters. Simon appears behind him in the doorway.

  SIMON. You'd better leave her alone!

  GREGORY. You rascal! I'll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What do you mean? Do you think you are in a public-house?

  GREGORY. This coarse peasant makes life impossible for me.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [provoked] You've lost your senses. Don't you see? [To Countess] Merci, mille fois merci. A mardi![22]

  [22] ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Thank you (for coming to see us), a thousand thanks. Till next Tuesday!

  Exeunt Countess and First Footman.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Gregory] What is the meaning of this?

  GREGORY. Though I do occupy the position of a footman, still I won't allow every peasant to hit me; I have my pride too.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, what has happened?

  GREGORY. Why, this Simon of yours has got so brave, sitting with the gentlemen, that he wants to fight!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why? What for?

  GREGORY.
Heaven only knows!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Simon] What is the meaning of it?

  SIMON. Why does he bother her?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What has happened?

  SIMON [smiles] Well, you see, he is always catching hold of Tánya, the lady's-maid, and she won't have it. Well, so I just moved him aside a bit, just so, with my hand.

  GREGORY. A nice little bit! He's almost caved my ribs in, and has torn my dress-coat, and he says, "The same power as came over me yesterday comes on me again," and he begins to squeeze me.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Simon] How dare you fight in my house?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. May I explain it to you, ma'am? I must tell you Simon is not indifferent to Tánya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory--one must admit the truth--does not behave properly, nor honestly, to her. Well, so I suppose Simon got angry with him.

  GREGORY. Not at all! It is all his spite, because I have discovered their trickery.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What trickery?

  GREGORY. Why, at the séance. All those things, last night,--it was not Simon but Tánya who did them! I saw her getting out from under the sofa with my own eyes.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What is that? From under the sofa?

  GREGORY. I give you my word of honour. And it was she who threw the paper on the table. If it had not been for her the paper would not have been signed, nor the land sold to the peasants.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And you saw it yourself?

  GREGORY. With my own eyes. Shall I call her? She'll not deny it.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, call her.

  Exit Gregory.

  Noise behind the scenes. The voice of the Doorkeeper, "No, no, you cannot." Doorkeeper is seen at the front door, the three Peasants rush in past him, the Second Peasant first; the Third one stumbles, falls on his nose, and catches hold of it.

  DOORKEEPER. You must not go in!

  SECOND PEASANT. Where's the harm? We are not doing anything wrong. We only wish to pay the money!

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just it; as by laying on the signature the affair is come to a conclusion, we only wish to make payment with thanks.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Wait a bit with your thanks. It was all done by fraud! It is not settled yet. Not sold yet.... Leoníd.... Call Leoníd Fyódoritch. [Exit Doorkeeper].

  Leoníd Fyódoritch enters, but, seeing his wife and the Peasants, wishes to retreat.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, no, come here, please! I told you the land must not be sold on credit, and everybody told you so, but you let yourself be deceived like the veriest blockhead.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. How? I don't understand who is deceiving?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You have grey hair, and you let yourself be deceived and laughed at like a silly boy. You grudge your son some three hundred roubles which his social position demands, and let yourself be tricked of thousands--like a fool!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Now come, Annette, try to be calm.

  FIRST PEASANT. We are only come about the acceptation of the sum, for example ...

  THIRD PEASANT [taking out the money] Let us finish the matter, for Christ's sake!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Wait, wait!

  Enter Tánya and Gregory.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [angrily] You were in the small drawing-room during the séance last night?

  Tánya looks round at Theodore Ivánitch, Leoníd Fyódoritch, and Simon, and sighs.

  GREGORY. It's no use beating about the bush; I saw you myself ...

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Tell me, were you there? I know all about it, so you'd better confess! I'll not do anything to you. I only want to expose him [pointing to Leoníd Fyódoritch] your master.... Did you throw the paper on the table?

  TÁNYA. I don't know how to answer. Only one thing,--let me go home.

  Enter Betsy unobserved.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Leoníd Fyódoritch] There, you see! You are being made a fool of.

  [Illustration: FRUITS OF CULTURE. ACT IV.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. There, you see! You are being made a fool of.]

  TÁNYA. Let me go home, Anna Pávlovna!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, my dear! You may have caused us a loss of thousands of roubles. Land has been sold that ought not to be sold!

  TÁNYA. Let me go, Anna Pávlovna!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No; you'll have to answer for it! Such tricks won't do. We'll have you up before the Justice of the Peace!

  BETSY [comes forward] Let her go, mamma. Or, if you wish to have her tried, you must have me tried too! She and I did it together.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, of course, if you have a hand in anything, what can one expect but the very worst results!

  Enter the Professor.

  PROFESSOR. How do you do, Anna Pávlovna? How do you do, Miss Betsy? Leoníd Fyódoritch, I have brought you a report of the Thirteenth Congress of Spiritualists at Chicago. An amazing speech by Schmidt!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Oh, that is interesting!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I will tell you something much more interesting! It turns out that both you and my husband were fooled by this girl! Betsy takes it on herself, but that is only to annoy me. It was an illiterate peasant girl who fooled you, and you believed it all. There were no mediumistic phenomena last night; it was she [pointing to Tánya] who did it!

  PROFESSOR [taking off his overcoat] What do you mean?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I mean that it was she who, in the dark, played on the guitar and beat my husband on the head and performed all your idiotic tricks--and she has just confessed!

  PROFESSOR [smiling] What does that prove?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It proves that your mediumism is--tomfoolery; that's what it proves!

  PROFESSOR. Because this young girl wished to deceive, we are to conclude that mediumism is "tomfoolery," as you are pleased to express it? [Smiles] A curious conclusion! Very possibly this young girl may have wished to deceive: that often occurs. She may even have done something; but then, what she did--she did. But the manifestations of mediumistic energy still remain manifestations of mediumistic energy! It is even very probable that what this young girl did, evoked (and so to say solicited) the manifestation of mediumistic energy,--giving it a definite form.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Another lecture!

  PROFESSOR [sternly] You say, Anna Pávlovna, that this girl, and perhaps this dear young lady also, did something; but the light we all saw, and, in the first case the fall, and in the second the rise of temperature, and Grossman's excitement and vibration--were those things also done by this girl? And these are facts, Anna Pávlovna, facts! No! Anna Pávlovna, there are things which must be investigated and fully understood before they can be talked about, things too serious, too serious ...

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. And the child that Márya Vasílevna distinctly saw? Why, I saw it too.... That could not have been done by this girl.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You think yourself wise, but you are--a fool.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I'm going.... Alexéy Vladímiritch, will you come? [Exit into his study].

  PROFESSOR [shrugging his shoulders, follows] Oh, how far, how far, we still lag behind Western Europe!

  Enter Jacob.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [following Leoníd Fyódoritch with her eyes] He has been tricked like a fool, and he sees nothing! [To Jacob] What do you want?

  JACOB. How many persons am I to lay the table for?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. For how many?... Theodore Ivánitch! Let him give up the silver plate to you. Be off, at once! It is all his fault! This man will bring me to my grave. Last night he nearly starved the dog that had done him no harm! And, as if that were not enough, he lets the infected peasants into the kitchen, and now they are here again! It is all his fault! Be off at once! Discharge him, discharge him! [To Simon] And you, horrid peasant, if you dare to have rows in my house again, I'll teach you!

  SECOND PEASANT. All right, if he is a horrid peasant there's no good keeping him; you'd better discharge him too, and there's an end of it.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [while listening
to him looks at Third Peasant] Only look! Why, he has a rash on his nose--a rash! He is ill; he is a hotbed of infection!! Did I not give orders, yesterday, that they were not to be allowed into the house, and here they are again? Drive them out!