The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  FAT LADY. Ah, that must be the monk who's been born again!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [beside himself with anger, whispers] One gets nothing but tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave decently, go away!

  Exit Vasíly Leoníditch. Darkness and silence.

  FAT LADY. Oh, what a pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. But he is here. Ask him.

  PROFESSOR. That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite usual occurrences. I expect he is still here. But we may ask. Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So unpleasant! Such want of tact!...

  PROFESSOR. Very well.... Nicholas, are you here?

  Tánya raps twice and rings. Simon roars, spreads his arms out, seizes Sahátof and the Professor--squeezing them.

  PROFESSOR. What an unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted upon! This never happened before! Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you watch? It is difficult for me to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe Grossman! This needs the very greatest attention!

  Tánya throws the peasants' paper on the table.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Something has fallen upon the table.

  PROFESSOR. See what it is!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Paper! A folded paper!

  Tánya throws a travelling inkstand on the table.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. An inkstand!

  Tánya throws a pen.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A pen!

  Simon roars and squeezes.

  PROFESSOR [crushed] Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation! The action proceeding not from the mediumistic energy produced, but from the medium himself! However, open the inkstand, and put the pen on the table, and he will write!

  Tánya goes behind Leoníd Fyódoritch and strikes him on the head with the guitar.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He has struck me on the head! [Examining table] The pen is not writing yet and the paper remains folded.

  PROFESSOR. See what the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual influence--his and Grossman's--has produced a perturbation!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [goes out and returns at once] Extraordinary! This paper is an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this morning and returned to the peasants. Probably he wants me to sign it?

  PROFESSOR. Of course! Of course! But ask him.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nicholas, do you wish ...

  Tánya knocks twice.

  PROFESSOR. Do you hear? It is quite evident!

  Leoníd Fyódoritch takes the paper and pen and goes out. Tánya knocks, plays on the guitar and the accordion, and then creeps under the sofa. Leoníd Fyódoritch returns. Simon stretches himself and coughs.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is waking up. We can light the candles.

  PROFESSOR [hurriedly] Doctor, Doctor, please, his pulse and temperature! You will see that a rise of both will be apparent.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [lights the candles] Well, what do you gentlemen who were sceptical think of it now?

  DOCTOR [goes up to Simon and places thermometer] Now then my lad. Well, have you had a nap? There, put that in there, and give me your hand. [Looks at his watch].

  SAHÁTOF [shrugging his shoulders] I must admit that all that has occurred cannot have been done by the medium. But the thread?... I should like the thread explained.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A thread! A thread! We have been witnessing manifestations more important than a thread.

  SAHÁTOF. I don't know. At all events, je réserve mon opinion.

  FAT LADY [to Sahátof] Oh no, how can you say: "je réserve mon opinion?" And the infant with the little wings? Didn't you see? At first I thought it was only an illusion, but afterwards it became clearer and clearer, like a live ...

  SAHÁTOF. I can only speak of what I have seen. I did not see that--nothing of the kind.

  FAT LADY. You don't mean to say so? Why, it was quite plainly visible! And to the left there was a monk clothed in black bending over it ...

  SAHÁTOF [moves away. Aside] What exaggeration!

  FAT LADY [addressing the Doctor] You must have seen it! It rose up from your side.

  Doctor goes on counting pulse without heeding her.

  FAT LADY [to Grossman] And that light, the light around it, especially around its little face! And the expression so mild and tender, something so heavenly! [Smiles tenderly herself].

  GROSSMAN. I saw phosphorescent light, and objects changed their places, but I saw nothing more than that.

  FAT LADY. Don't tell me! You don't mean it! It is simply that you scientists of Charcot's school do not believe in a life beyond the grave! As for me, no one could now make me disbelieve in a future life--no one in the world!

  Grossman moves away from her.

  FAT LADY. No, no, whatever you may say, this is one of the happiest moments of my life! When I heard Sarasate play, and now.... Yes! [No one listens to her. She goes up to Simon] Now tell me, my friend, what did you feel? Was it very trying?

  SIMON [laughs] Yes, ma'm, just so.

  FAT LADY. Still not unendurable?

  SIMON. Just so, ma'm. [To Leoníd Fyódoritch] Am I to go?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, you may go.

  DOCTOR [to the Professor] The pulse is the same, but the temperature is lower.

  PROFESSOR. Lower! [Considers awhile, then suddenly divines the conclusion] It had to be so--it had to descend! The dual influence crossing had to produce some kind of reflex action. Yes, that's it!

  Exeunt, all talking at once.

  { LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I'm only sorry we had no complete { materialisation. But still.... Come, gentlemen, let us go to the { drawing-room? { { FAT LADY. What specially struck me was when he flapped his wings, { and one saw how he rose! { { GROSSMAN [to Sahátof] If we had kept to hypnotism, we might have { produced a thorough state of epilepsy. The success might have been { complete! { { SAHÁTOF. It is very interesting, but not entirely convincing. That { is all I can say.

  Enter Theodore Ivánitch.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [with paper in his hand] Ah, Theodore, what a remarkable séance we have had! It turns out that the peasants must have the land on their own terms.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Dear me!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, indeed. [Showing paper] Fancy, this paper that I returned to them, suddenly appeared on the table! I have signed it.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How did it get there?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit, Theodore Ivánitch follows him out].

  TÁNYA [gets from under the sofa and laughs] Oh dear, oh dear! Well, I did get a fright when he got hold of the thread! [Shrieks] Well, anyhow, it's all right--he has signed it!

  Enter Gregory.

  GREGORY. So it was you that was fooling them?

  TÁNYA. What business is it of yours?

  GREGORY. And do you think the missis will be pleased with you for it? No, you bet; you're caught now! I'll tell them what tricks you're up to, if you don't let me have my way!

  TÁNYA. And you'll not get your way, and you'll not do me any harm!

  Curtain.

  ACT IV

  The same scene as in Act I. The next day. Two liveried footmen, Theodore Ivánitch and Gregory.

  FIRST FOOTMAN [with grey whiskers] Yours is the third house to-day. Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this direction. Yours used to be on Thursdays.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, we changed to Saturday so as to be on the same day as the Golóvkins and Grade von Grabes ...

  SECOND FOOTMAN. The Stcherbákofs do the thing well. There's refreshments for the footmen every time they've a ball.

  The two Princesses, mother and daughter, come down the stairs accompanied by Betsy. The old Princess looks in her note-book and at her watch, and sits down on the settle. Gregory puts on her overshoes.

  YOUNG PRINCESS. Now, do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo refuses, the whole t
hing will be spoilt.

  BETSY. I don't know. I must certainly go to the Shoúbins. And then there is the rehearsal.

  YOUNG PRINCESS. You'll have plenty of time. Do, please. Ne nous fais pas faux bond.[14] Fédya and Koko will come.

  [14] Do not disappoint us.

  BETSY. J'en ai par-dessus la tête de votre Koko.[15]

  [15] BETSY. I have more than enough of your Koko.

  YOUNG PRINCESS. I thought I should see him here. Ordinairement il est d'une exactitude ...[16]

  [16] YOUNG PRINCESS. ... He is usually so very punctual ...

  BETSY. He is sure to come.

  YOUNG PRINCESS. When I see you together, it always seems to me that he has either just proposed or is just going to propose.

  BETSY. Yes, I don't suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go through with it. And it is so unpleasant!

  YOUNG PRINCESS. Poor Koko! He is head over ears in love.

  BETSY. Cessez, les gens![17]

  [17] BETSY. Cease; mind the servants!

  Young Princess sits down, talking in whispers. Gregory puts on her overshoes.

  YOUNG PRINCESS. Well then, good-bye till this evening.

  BETSY. I'll try to come.

  OLD PRINCESS. Then tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me know when. Good afternoon, ma toute belle. [Kisses Betsy, and exit, followed by her daughter. Betsy goes upstairs].

  GREGORY. I don't like putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she can't stoop, can't see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her foot in the wrong place. It's different with a young one; it's pleasant to take her foot in one's hand.

  SECOND FOOTMAN. Hear him! Making distinctions!

  FIRST FOOTMAN. It's not for us footmen to make such distinctions.

  GREGORY. Why shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's they think we don't understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then they look at me, and at once it's "lay zhon!"

  SECOND FOOTMAN. And what's that?

  GREGORY. Oh, that means, "Don't talk, they understand!" It's the same at table. But I understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there is none.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. There is a great difference for those who understand.

  GREGORY. There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that they've married footmen? I'll go and have a smoke. [Exit].

  SECOND FOOTMAN. That's a bold young man you've got.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive out.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. I should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in his place! Oh, he don't like those scatterbrains. "If you're a footman, be a footman and fulfil your calling." Such pride is not befitting.

  Petrístchef comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.

  PETRÍSTCHEF [deep in thought] Let's see, my second is the same as my first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. [Enter Koko Klíngen, wearing his pince-nez] Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the fool ...

  PETRÍSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I give it up. I've no time.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Where else are you going?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Where? Of course to the Ívins, to practise for the concert. Then to the Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be there too, won't you?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage and a general.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. How did yesterday's séance go off?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined, and Márya Vasílevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I'm afraid, mon cher. You have a way of getting off with a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word, they'll construe it into a proposal. Et ça ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du tout![18]

  [18] And that won't suit me at all, at all! Not at all, at all!

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can go to the re-her-Sarah together.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He is so stupid,--a regular blockhead!

  PETRÍSTCHEF. And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but ... "with a love so strange, ne'er towards him the path untrod shall be" ... [Exit into Vovo's room].

  Betsy comes down with a Lady. Koko bows significantly to Betsy.

  BETSY [shaking Koko's hand without turning towards him. To Lady] You are acquainted?

  LADY. No.

  BETSY. Baron Klíngen.... Why were you not here last night?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I could not come, I was engaged.

  BETSY. What a pity, it was so interesting! [Laughs] You should have seen what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Oh, the verses for mon second are ready. Nick composed the verses, and I the music.

  BETSY. What are they? What are they? Do tell me!

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Wait a minute; how does it go?... Oh, the knight sings:

  "Oh, naught so beautiful as nature: The Nautilus sails by. Oh, naughty lass, oh, naughty lass! Oh, nought, oh nought! Oh fie!"

  LADY. I see, my second is "nought," and what is my first?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. My first is Aero, the name of a girl savage.

  BETSY. Aero, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of her love. [Laughs] She goes about lamenting, and sings--

  "My appetite,"

  KOKO KLÍNGEN [interrupts]--

  "How can I fight," ...

  BETSY [chimes in]--

  "Some one to chew I long. I seeking go ..."

  KOKO KLÍNGEN--

  "But even so ..."

  BETSY--

  "No one to chew can find."

  KOKO KLÍNGEN--

  "A raft sails by,"

  BETSY--

  "It cometh nigh; Two generals upon it ..."

  KOKO KLÍNGEN--

  "Two generals are we: By fate's hard decree, To this island we flee."

  And then, the refrain--

  "By fate's hard decree, To this island we flee."

  LADY. Charmant!

  BETSY. But just think how silly!

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Yes, that's the charm of it!

  LADY. And who is to be Aero?

  BETSY. I am. And I have had a costume made, but mamma says it's "not decent." And it is not a bit less decent than a ball dress. [To Theodore Ivánitch] Is Bourdier's man here?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen.

  LADY. Well, and how will you represent Aeronaut?

  BETSY. Oh, you'll see. I don't want to spoil the pleasure for you. Au revoir.

  LADY. Good-bye! [They bow. Exit Lady].

  BETSY [to Koko Klíngen] Come up to mamma.

  Betsy and Koko go upstairs. Jacob enters from servants' quarters, carrying a tray with teacups, cakes, &c., and goes panting across the stage.

  JACOB [to the Footmen] How d'you do? How d'you do? [Footmen bow].

  JACOB [to Theodore Ivánitch] Couldn't you tell Gregory to help a bit! I'm ready to drop.... [Exit up the stairs].

  FIRST FOOTMAN. That is a hard-working chap you've got there.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, a good fellow. But there now--he doesn't satisfy the mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now they've gone and told tales about him for letting some peasants into the kitchen yesterday. It is a bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And he is a good fellow.

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