The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  PROFESSOR. Of course, of course. But the chief thing is the explanation of the phenomena, and the application to them of general laws.

  Enter the Fat Lady.

  FAT LADY. Anna Pávlovna has allowed me to join you.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Very pleased.

  FAT LADY. Oh, how tired Grossman seems! He could scarcely hold his cup. Did you notice [to the Professor] how pale he turned at the moment he approached the hiding-place? I noticed it at once, and was the first to mention it to Anna Pávlovna.

  PROFESSOR. Undoubtedly,--loss of vital energy.

  FAT LADY. Yes, it's just as I say, one should not abuse that sort of thing. You know, a hypnotist once suggested to a friend of mine, Véra Kónshin (oh, you know her, of course)--well, he suggested that she should leave off smoking,--and her back began to ache!

  PROFESSOR [trying to have his say] The temperature and the pulse clearly indicate ...

  FAT LADY. One moment! Allow me! Well, I said to her: it's better to smoke than to suffer so with one's nerves. Of course, smoking is injurious; I should like to give it up myself, but, do what I will, I can't! Once I managed not to smoke for a fortnight, but could hold out no longer.

  PROFESSOR [again trying to speak] Clearly proves ...

  FAT LADY. Yes, no! Allow me, just one word! You say, "loss of strength." And I was also going to say that, when I travelled with post-horses ... the roads used to be dreadful in those days--you don't remember--but I have noticed that all our nervousness comes from railways! I, for instance, can't sleep while travelling; I cannot fall asleep to save my life!

  PROFESSOR [makes another attempt, which the Fat Lady baffles] The loss of strength ...

  SAHÁTOF [smiling] Yes; oh yes!

  Leoníd Fyódoritch rings.

  FAT LADY. I am awake one night, and another, and a third, and still I can't sleep!

  Enter Gregory.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please tell Theodore to get everything ready for the séance, and send Simon here--Simon, the butler's assistant,--do you hear?

  GREGORY. Yes, sir. [Exit].

  PROFESSOR [to Sahátof]. The observation of the temperature and the pulse have shown loss of vital energy. The same will happen in consequence of the mediumistic phenomena. The law of the conservation of energy ...

  FAT LADY. Oh yes, yes; I was just going to say that I am very glad that a simple peasant turns out to be a medium. That's very good. I always did say that the Slavophils ...

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Let's go into the drawing-room in the meantime.

  FAT LADY. Allow me, just one word! The Slavophils are right; but I always told my husband that one ought never to exaggerate anything! "The golden mean," you know. What is the use of maintaining that the common people are all perfect, when I have myself seen ...

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Won't you come into the drawing-room?

  FAT LADY. A boy--that high--who drank! I gave him a scolding at once. And he was grateful to me afterwards. They are children, and, as I always say, children need both love and severity!

  Exeunt all, all talking together.

  Tánya enters from behind the hangings.

  TÁNYA. Oh, if it would only succeed! [Begins fastening some threads].

  Enter Betsy hurriedly.

  BETSY. Isn't papa here? [Looks inquiringly at Tánya] What are you doing here?

  TÁNYA. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I have only just come; I only wished ... only came in ... [Embarrassed].

  BETSY. But they are going to have a séance here directly. [Notices Tánya drawing in the threads, looks at her, and suddenly bursts out laughing] Tánya! Why, it's you who do it all? Now don't deny it. And last time it was you too? Yes, it was, it was!

  TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, dearest!

  BETSY [delighted] Oh, that is a joke! Well, I never. But why do you do it?

  TÁNYA. Oh miss, dear miss, don't betray me!

  BETSY. Not for the world! I'm awfully glad. Only tell me how you manage it?

  TÁNYA. Well, I just hide, and then, when it's all dark, I come out and do it. That's how.

  BETSY [pointing to threads] And what is this for? You needn't tell me. I see; you draw ...

  TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, darling! I will confess it, but only to you. I used to do it just for fun, but now I mean business.

  BETSY. What? How? What business?

  TÁNYA. Well, you see, those peasants that came this morning, you saw them. They want to buy some land, and your father won't sell it; well, and Theodore Ivánitch, he says it's the spirits as forbid him. So I have had a thought as ...

  BETSY. Oh, I see! Well, you are a clever girl! Do it, do it.... But how will you manage it?

  TÁNYA. Well, I thought, when they put out the lights, I'll at once begin knocking and shying things about, touching their heads with the threads, and at last I'll take the paper about the land and throw it on the table. I've got it here.

  BETSY. Well, and then?

  TÁNYA. Why, don't you see? They will be astonished. The peasants had the paper, and now it's here. I will teach ...

  BETSY. Why, of course! Simon is the medium to-day!

  TÁNYA. Well, I'll teach him ... [Laughs so that she can't continue] I'll tell him to squeeze with his hands any one he can get hold of! Of course, not your father--he'd never dare do that--but any one else; he'll squeeze till it's signed.

  BETSY [laughing] But that's not the way it is done. Mediums never do anything themselves.

  TÁNYA. Oh, never mind. It's all one; I daresay it'll turn out all right.

  Enter Theodore Ivánitch.

  Exit Betsy, making signs to Tánya.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why are you here?

  TÁNYA. It's you I want, Theodore Ivánitch, dear ...

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what is it?

  TÁNYA. About that affair of mine as I spoke of.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH [laughs] I've made the match; yes, I've made the match. The matter is settled; we have shaken hands on it, only not had a drink on it.

  TÁNYA [with a shriek] Never! So it's all right?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't I tell you so? He says, "I shall consult the missus, and then, God willing ..."

  TÁNYA. Is that what he said? [Shrieks] Dear Theodore Ivánitch, I'll pray for you all the days of my life!

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right! All right! Now is not the time. I've been ordered to arrange the room for the séance.

  TÁNYA. Let me help you. How's it to be arranged?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How? Why, the table in the middle of the room--chairs--the guitar--the accordion. The lamp is not wanted, only candles.

  TÁNYA [helps Theodore Ivánitch to place the things] Is that right? The guitar here, and here the inkstand. [Places it] So?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Can it be true that they'll make Simon sit here?

  TÁNYA. I suppose so; they've done it once.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wonderful! [Puts on his pince-nez] But is he clean?

  TÁNYA. How should I know?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what ...

  TÁNYA. Yes, Theodore Ivánitch?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go and take a nail-brush and some Pears' soap; you may take mine ... and go and cut his claws and scrub his hands as clean as possible.

  TÁNYA. He can do it himself.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well then, tell him to. And tell him to put on a clean shirt as well.

  TÁNYA. All right, Theodore Ivánitch. [Exit].

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH [sits down in an easy-chair] They're educated and learned--Alexéy Vladímiritch now, he's a professor--and yet sometimes one can't help doubting very much. The people's rude superstitions are being abolished: hobgoblins, sorcerers, witches.... But if one considers it, is not this equally superstitious? How is it possible that the souls of the dead should come and talk, and play the guitar? No! Some one is fooling them, or they are fooling themselves. And as to this business with Simon--it's simply incomprehensible. [Looks at an album] Here's their spiritualistic album. How is i
t possible to photograph a spirit? But here is the likeness of a Turk and Leoníd Fyódoritch sitting by.... Extraordinary human weakness!

  Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Is it all ready?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH [rising leisurely] Quite ready. [Smiles] Only I don't know about your new medium. I hope he won't disgrace you, Leoníd Fyódoritch.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, I and Alexéy Vladímiritch have tested him. He is a wonderfully powerful medium!

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, I don't know. But is he clean enough? I don't suppose you have thought of ordering him to wash his hands? It might be rather inconvenient.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. His hands? Oh yes! They're not clean, you think?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What can you expect? He's a peasant, and there will be ladies present, and Márya Vasílevna.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It will be all right.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And then I have something to report to you. Timothy, the coachman, complains that he can't keep things clean because of the dogs.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [arranging the things on the table absent-mindedly] What dogs?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The three hounds that came for Vasíly Leoníditch to-day.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [vexed] Tell Anna Pávlovna! She can do as she likes about it. I have no time.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But you know her weakness ...

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. 'Tis just as she likes, let her do as she pleases. As for him,--one never gets anything but unpleasantness from him. Besides, I am busy.

  Enter Simon, smiling; he has a sleeveless peasant's coat on.

  SIMON. I was ordered to come.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, it's all right. Let me see your hands. That will do, that will do very well! Well then, my good fellow, you must do just as you did before,--sit down, and give way to your mood. But don't think at all.

  SIMON. Why should I think? The more one thinks, the worse it is.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Just so, just so, exactly! The less conscious one is, the greater is the power. Don't think, but give in to your mood. If you wish to sleep, sleep; if you wish to walk, walk. Do you understand?

  SIMON. How could one help understanding? It's simple enough.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But above all, don't be frightened. Because you might be surprised yourself. You must understand that just as we live here, so a whole world of invisible spirits live here also.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH [improving on what Leoníd Fyódoritch has said] Invisible feelings, do you understand?

  SIMON [laughs] How can one help understanding! It's very plain as you put it.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You may rise up in the air, or something of the kind, but don't be frightened.

  SIMON. Why should I be frightened? That won't matter at all.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, I'll go and call them all.... Is everything ready?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I think so.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But the slates?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They are downstairs. I'll bring them. [Exit].

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. All right then. So don't be afraid, but be at your ease.

  SIMON. Had I not better take off my coat? One would be more easy like.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Your coat? Oh no. Don't take that off. [Exit].

  SIMON. She tells me to do the same again, and she will again shy things about. How isn't she afraid?

  Enter Tánya in her stockings and in a dress of the colour of the wall-paper. Simon laughs.

  TÁNYA. Shsh!... They'll hear! There, stick these matches on your fingers as before. [Sticks them on] Well, do you remember everything?

  SIMON [bending his fingers in, one by one] First of all, wet the matches and wave my hands about, that's one. Then make my teeth chatter, like this ... that's two. But I've forgotten the third thing.

  TÁNYA. And it's the third as is the chief thing. Don't forget as soon as the paper falls on the table--I shall ring the little bell--then you do like this.... Spread your arms out far and catch hold of some one, whoever it is as sits nearest, and catch hold of him. And then squeeze! [Laughs] Whether it's a gentleman or a lady, it's all one; you just squeeze 'em, and don't let 'em go,--as if it were in your sleep, and chatter with your teeth, or else howl like this. [Howls sotto-voce] And when I begin to play on the guitar, then stretch yourself as if you were waking up, you know.... Will you remember everything?

  SIMON. Yes, I'll remember, but it is too funny.

  TÁNYA. But mind you don't laugh. Still, it won't matter much if you do laugh; they'd think it was in your sleep. Only take care you don't really fall asleep when they put out the lights.

  SIMON. No fear, I'll pinch my ears.

  TÁNYA. Well then Sim darling, only mind do as I tell you, and don't get frightened. He'll sign the paper, see if he don't! They're coming!

  Gets under the sofa.

  Enter Grossman and the Professor, Leoníd Fyódoritch and the Fat Lady, the Doctor, Sahátof and Anna Pávlovna. Simon stands near the door.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please come in, all you doubters! Though we have a new and accidentally discovered medium, I expect very important phenomena to-night.

  SAHÁTOF. That's very, very interesting.

  FAT LADY [pointing to Simon] Mais il est très bien![12]

  [12] FAT LADY. But he looks quite nice.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, as a butler's assistant, but hardly ...

  SAHÁTOF. Wives never have any faith in their husbands' work. You don't believe in anything of this kind?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course not. Kaptchítch, it is true, has something exceptional about him, but Heaven knows what all this is about!

  FAT LADY. No, Anna Pávlovna, permit me, you can't decide it in such a way. Before I was married, I once had a remarkable dream. Dreams, you know, are often such that you don't know where they begin and where they end; it was just such a dream that I ...

  Enter Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef.

  FAT LADY. And much was revealed to me by that dream. Nowadays the young people [points to Petrístchef and Vasíly Leoníditch] deny everything.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But look here, you know--now I, for instance, never deny anything! Eh, what?

  Betsy and Márya Konstantínovna enter, and begin talking to Petrístchef.

  FAT LADY. And how can one deny the supernatural? They say it is unreasonable. But what if one's reason is stupid; what then? There now, on Garden Street, you know ... why, well, it appeared every evening! My husband's brother--what do you call him? Not beau-frère--what's the other name for it?--I never can remember the names of these different relationships--well, he went there three nights running, and still he saw nothing; so I said to him ...

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, who is going to stay here?

  FAT LADY. I! I!

  SAHÁTOF. I.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Doctor] Do you mean to say you are going to stay?

  DOCTOR. Yes; I must see, if only once, what it is that Alexéy Vladímiritch has discovered in it. How can we deny anything without proofs?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Then I am to take it to-night for certain?

  DOCTOR. Take what?... Oh, the powder. Yes, it would perhaps be better. Yes, yes, take it.... However, I shall come upstairs again.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes please, do. [Loud] When it is over, mesdames et messieurs, I shall expect you to come to me upstairs to rest from your emotions, and then we will finish our rubber.

  FAT LADY. Oh, certainly.

  SAHÁTOF. Yes, thanks!

  Exit Anna Pávlovna.

  BETSY [to Petrístchef] You must stay, I tell you. I promise you something extraordinary. Will you bet?

  MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But you don't believe in it?

  BETSY. To-day I do.

  MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA [to Petrístchef] And do you believe?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. "I can't believe, I cannot trust a heart for falsehood framed." Still, if Elizabeth Leonídovna commands ...

  VASÍLY LEONÍD
ITCH. Let us stay, Márya Konstantínovna. Eh, what? I shall invent something épâtant.

  MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. No, you mustn't make me laugh. You know I can't restrain myself.