The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  [Laughs.

  DISCHARGED COOK (from up on the oven). That is true; that's right!

  TÁNYA. Well, the gentleman, he gets home and goes straight to his lady: "What a good-hearted man our coachman is; he was crying all the way home about poor Dash. Have him called.... Here, drink this glass of vódka," he says, "and here's a rouble as a reward for you." That's just like her saying Jacob has no feelings for her dog!

  [The PEASANTS laugh.

  FIRST PEASANT. That's the style!

  SECOND PEASANT. That was a go!

  THIRD PEASANT. Aye, lassie, but you've set us a-laughing!

  TÁNYA (pouring out more tea). Have some more! Yes, it only seems that our life is pleasant; but sometimes it is very disgusting,--clearing up all their messes! Faugh! It's better in the country. (PEASANTS turn their cups upside-down, as a polite sign that they have had enough. TÁNYA pours out more tea.) Have some more, Efím Antónitch. I'll fill your cup, Mítry Vlásitch.

  THIRD PEASANT. All right, fill it, fill it.

  FIRST PEASANT. Well, dear, and what progression is our business making?

  TÁNYA. It's getting on....

  FIRST PEASANT. Simon told us....

  TÁNYA. (quickly). Did he?

  SECOND PEASANT. But he could not make us understand.

  TÁNYA. I can't tell you now, but I'm doing my best--all I can! And I've got your paper here! (Shows the paper hidden under the bib of her apron.) If only one thing succeeds ... (Shrieks.) Oh, how nice it would be!

  SECOND PEASANT. Don't lose that paper, mind. It has cost money.

  TÁNYA. Never fear. You only want him to sign it? Is that all?

  THIRD PEASANT. Why, what else? Let's say he's signed it, and it's done! (Turns his cup upside-down.) I've had enough.

  TÁNYA (aside). He'll sign it; you'll see he will.... Have some more.

  [Pours out tea.

  FIRST PEASANT. If only you get this business about the sale of the land settled, the Commune would pay your marriage expenses.

  [Refuses the tea.

  TÁNYA (pouring out tea). Do have another cup.

  THIRD PEASANT. You get it done, and we'll arrange your marriage, and I myself, let's say, will dance at the wedding. Though I've never danced in all my born days, I'll dance then!

  TÁNYA (laughing). All right, I'll be in hopes of it.

  [Silence.

  SECOND PEASANT (examines TÁNYA). That's all very well, but you're not fit for peasant work.

  TÁNYA. Who? I? Why, don't you think me strong enough? You should see me lacing up my mistress. There's many a peasant couldn't tug as hard.

  SECOND PEASANT. Where do you tug her to?

  TÁNYA. Well, there's a thing made with bone, like--something like a stiff jacket, only up to here! Well, and I pull the strings just as when you saddle a horse--when you ... what d'ye call it? You know, when you spit on your hands!

  SECOND PEASANT. Tighten the girths, you mean.

  TÁNYA. Yes, yes, that's it. And you know I mustn't shove against her with my knee.

  [Laughs.

  SECOND PEASANT. Why do you pull her in?

  TÁNYA. For a reason!

  SECOND PEASANT. Why, is she doing penance?

  TÁNYA. No, it's for beauty's sake!

  FIRST PEASANT. That's to say, you pull in her paunch for appearance' sake.

  TÁNYA. Sometimes I lace her up so that her eyes are ready to start from her head, and she says, "Tighter," till my hands tingle. And you say I'm not strong!

  [PEASANTS laugh and shake their heads.

  TÁNYA. But here, I've been jabbering.

  [Runs away, laughing.

  THIRD PEASANT. Ah, the lassie has made us laugh!

  FIRST PEASANT. She's a tidy one!

  SECOND PEASANT. She's not bad.

  [Enter SAHÁTOF and VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. SAHÁTOF holds a teaspoon in his hand.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Not exactly a dinner, but a déjeuner dinatoire. And first-rate it was, I tell you. Ham of sucking-pig, delicious! Roulier feeds one splendidly! I've only just returned. (Sees PEASANTS.) Ah, the peasants are here again!

  SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes, that's all very well, but we came here to hide this article. Where shall we hide it?

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. (To SERVANTS' COOK.) Where are the dogs?

  SERVANTS' COOK. In the coachman's quarters. You can't keep dogs in the servants' kitchen!

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ah, in the coachman's quarters? All right.

  SAHÁTOF. I am waiting.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me, please. Eh, what? Hide it? I'll tell you what. Let's put it into one of the peasants' pockets. That one. I say, where's your pocket? Eh, what?

  THIRD PEASANT. What for d'ye want my pocket? You're a good 'un! My pocket! There's money in my pocket!

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Where's your bag, then?

  THIRD PEASANT. What for?

  SERVANTS' COOK. What d'you mean? That's the young master!

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (laughs. To SAHÁTOF). D'you know why he's so frightened? Shall I tell you? He's got a heap of money. Eh, what?

  SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes, I see. Well, you talk to them a bit, and I'll put it into that bag without being observed, so that they should not notice and could not point it out to him. Talk to them.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right! (To PEASANTS.) Well then, old fellows, how about the land? Are you buying it? Eh, what?

  FIRST PEASANT. We have made an offering, so to say, with our whole heart. But there,--the business don't come into action nohow.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You should not be so stingy! Land is an important matter! I told you about planting mint. Or else tobacco would also do.

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Every kind of producks.

  THIRD PEASANT. And you help us, master. Ask your father. Or else how are we to live? There's so little land. A fowl, let's say, there's not enough room for a fowl to run about.

  SAHÁTOF (having put the spoon into a bag belonging to the THIRD PEASANT). C'est fait. Ready. Come along.

  [Exit.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. So don't be stingy! Eh? Well, good-bye.

  [Exit.

  THIRD PEASANT. Didn't I say, come to some lodging-house? Well, supposing we'd had to give three-pence each, then at least we'd have been in peace. As to here, the Lord be merciful! "Give us the money," he says. What's that for?

  SECOND PEASANT. He's drunk, I daresay.

  [PEASANTS turn their cups upside-down, rise, and cross themselves.

  FIRST PEASANT. And d'you mind what a saying he threw out? Sowing mint! One must know how to understand them, that one must!

  SECOND PEASANT. Sow mint indeed! He'd better bend his own back at that work, and then it's not mint he'll hanker after, no fear! Well, many thanks!... And now, good woman, would you tell us where we could lie down to sleep?

  SERVANTS' COOK. One of you can lie on the oven, and the others on these benches.

  THIRD PEASANT. Christ save you!

  [Prays, crossing himself.

  FIRST PEASANT. If only by God's help we get our business settled! (Lies down.) Then to-morrow, after dinner, we'd be off by the train, and on Tuesday we'd be home again.

  SECOND PEASANT. Are you going to put out the light?

  SERVANTS' COOK. Put it out? Oh, no! They'll keep running down here, first for one thing then another.... You lie down, I'll lower it.

  SECOND PEASANT. How is one to live, having so little land? Why, this year, I have had to buy corn since Christmas. And the oat-straw is all used up. I'd like to get hold of ten acres, and then I could take Simon back.

  THIRD PEASANT. You're a man with a family. You'd get the land cultivated without trouble. If only the business comes off.

  SECOND PEASANT. We must pray to the Holy Virgin, maybe she'll help us out. (Silence, broken by sighs. Then footsteps and voices are heard outside. The door opens. Enter GROSSMAN hurriedly, with his eyes bandaged, holding SAHÁTOF'S hand, and followed by the PROFESSOR and the DOCTOR, the FAT LADY and
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH, BETSY and PETRÍSTCHEF, VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH and MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA, ANNA PÁVLOVNA and the BARONESS, THEODORE IVÁNITCH and TÁNYA.)

  [PEASANTS jump up. GROSSMAN comes forward stepping quickly, then stops.

  FAT LADY. You need not trouble yourselves; I have undertaken the task of observing, and am strictly fulfilling my duty! Mr. Sahátof, are you not leading him?

  SAHÁTOF. Of course not!

  FAT LADY. You must not lead him, but neither must you resist! (To LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.) I know these experiments. I have tried them myself. Sometimes I used to feel a certain effluence, and as soon as I felt it....

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. May I beg of you to keep perfect silence?

  FAT LADY. Oh, I understand so well! I have experienced it myself. As soon as my attention was diverted I could no longer....

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Sh...!

  [GROSSMAN goes about, searches near the FIRST and SECOND PEASANTS, then approaches the THIRD, and stumbles over a bench.

  BARONESS. Mais dites-moi, on le paye?[6]

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Je ne saurais vous dire.

  BARONESS. Mais c'est un monsieur?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, oui!

  BARONESS. Ça tient du miraculeux. N'est ce pas? Comment est-ce qu'il trouve?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Je ne saurais vous dire. Mon mari vous l'expliquera. (Noticing PEASANTS, turns round, and sees the SERVANTS' COOK.) Pardon ... what is this?

  [BARONESS goes up to the group.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. (to SERVANTS' COOK). Who let the peasants in?

  SERVANTS' COOK. Jacob brought them in.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Who gave Jacob the order?

  SERVANTS' COOK. I can't say. Theodore Ivánitch has seen them.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Leoníd!

  [LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH does not hear, being absorbed in the search, and says, Sh....

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Theodore Ivánitch! What is the meaning of this? Did you not see me disinfecting the whole hall, and now the whole kitchen is infected, all the rye bread, the milk....

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I thought there would not be any danger if they came here. The men have come on business. They have far to go, and are from our village.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. That's the worst of it! They are from the Koursk village, where people are dying of diphtheria like flies! But the chief thing is, I ordered them out of the house!... Did I, or did I not? (Approaches the others that have gathered round the PEASANTS.) Be careful! Don't touch them--they are all infected with diphtheria!

  [No one heeds her, and she steps aside in a dignified manner and stands quietly waiting.

  PETRÍSTCHEF (sniffs loudly). I don't know if it is diphtheria, but there is some kind of infection in the air. Don't you notice it?

  BETSY. Stop your nonsense! Vovo, which bag is it in?

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. That one, that one. He is getting near, very near!

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Is it spirits divine, or spirits of wine?

  BETSY. Now your cigarette comes in handy for once. Smoke closer, closer to me.

  [PETRÍSTCHEF leans over her and smokes at her.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. He's getting near, I tell you. Eh, what?

  GROSSMAN (searches excitedly round the THIRD PEASANT). It is here; I feel it is!

  FAT LADY. Do you feel an effluence?

  [GROSSMAN stoops and finds the spoon in the bag.

  ALL. Bravo!

  [General enthusiasm.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ah! So that's where our spoon was. (To PEASANTS.) Then that's the sort you are!

  THIRD PEASANT. What sort? I didn't take your spoon! What are you making out? I didn't take it, and my soul knows nothing about it. I didn't take it--there! Let him do what he likes. I knew he came here for no good. "Where's your bag?" says he. I didn't take it, the Lord is my witness! (Crosses himself.) I didn't take it!

  [The young people group round the PEASANT, laughing.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (angrily to his son). Always playing the fool! (To the THIRD PEASANT.) Never mind, friend! We know you did not take it; it was only an experiment.

  GROSSMAN (removes bandage from his eyes, and pretends to be coming to). Can I have a little water?

  [All fuss round him.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Let's go straight from here into the coachman's room. I've got a bitch there--épâtante![7]

  BETSY. What a horrid word! Couldn't you say dog?

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. No. I can't say--Betsy is a man, épâtante. I should have to say young woman; it's a parallel case. Eh, what? Márya Konstantínovna, isn't it true? Good, eh?

  [Laughs loudly.

  MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Well, let us go.

  [Exeunt MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA, BETSY, PETRÍSTCHEF, and VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.

  FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). Well? how are you? Have you rested? (GROSSMAN does not answer. To SAHÁTOF.) And you, Mr. Sahátof, did you feel the effluence?

  SAHÁTOF. I felt nothing. Yes, it was very fine--very fine. Quite a success!

  BARONESS.--Admirable! Ça ne le fait pas souffrir? [8]

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Pas le moins du monde.

  PROFESSOR (to GROSSMAN). May I trouble you? (Hands him a thermometer.) At the beginning of the experiment it was 37 decimal 2 degrees. [9] (To DOCTOR.) That's right, I think? Would you mind feeling his pulse? Some loss is inevitable.

  DOCTOR (to GROSSMAN). Now then, sir, let's have your hand; we'll see, we'll see.

  [Takes out his watch and feels GROSSMAN'S pulse.

  FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). One moment! The condition you were in could not be called sleep?

  GROSSMAN (wearily). It was hypnosis.

  SAHÁTOF. In that case, are we to understand that you hypnotised yourself?

  GROSSMAN. And why not? An hypnotic state may ensue not only in consequence of association--the sound of the tom-tom, for instance, in Charcot's method--but by merely entering an hypnogenetic zone.

  SAHÁTOF. Granting that, it would still be desirable to define what hypnotism is, more exactly?

  PROFESSOR. Hypnotism is a phenomenon resulting from the transmutation of one energy into another.

  GROSSMAN. Charcot does not so define it.

  SAHÁTOF. A moment, just a moment! That is your definition, but Liébault told me himself....

  DOCTOR (lets go of GROSSMAN'S pulse). Ah, that's all right; well, now, the temperature?

  FAT LADY (interrupting). No, allow me! I agree with the Professor. And here's the very best proof. After my illness, when I lay insensible, a desire to speak came over me. In general I am of a silent disposition, but then I was overcome by this desire to speak, and I spoke and spoke, and I was told that I spoke in such a way that every one was astonished! (To SAHÁTOF.) But I think I interrupted you?

  SAHÁTOF (with dignity). Not at all. Pray continue.

  DOCTOR. Pulse 82, and the temperature has risen three-tenths of a degree.

  PROFESSOR. There you are! That's a proof! That's just as it should be. (Takes out pocket-book and writes.) 82, yes? And 37 and 5. When the hypnotic state is induced, it invariably produces a heightened action of the heart.

  DOCTOR. I can, as a medical man, bear witness that your prognosis was justified by the event.

  PROFESSOR (to SAHÁTOF). You were saying?...

  SAHÁTOF. I wished to say that Liébault told me himself that the hypnotic is only one particular psychical state, increasing susceptibility to suggestion.

  PROFESSOR. That is so, but still the law of equivalents is the chief thing.

  GROSSMAN. Moreover, Liébault is far from being an authority, while Charcot has studied the subject from all sides, and has proved that hypnotism produced by a blow, a trauma....

  [All talking together--

  SAHÁTOF. Yes, but I don't reject Charcot's labor. I know him also, I am only repeating what Liébault told me...

  GROSSMAN (excitedly). There are 3000 patients together in the Salpêtrière, and I have gone through the whole course.

  PROFESSOR. Excuse me, gentlemen, but that is not the
point.