The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  FAT LADY (interrupting). One moment, I will explain it to you in two words. When my husband was ill, all the doctors gave him up....

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. However, we had better go upstairs again. Baroness, this way!

  [Exeunt GROSSMAN, SAHÁTOF, PROFESSOR, DOCTOR, the FAT LADY, and BARONESS, talking loudly and interrupting each other.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (catching hold of LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH'S arm). How often have I asked you not to interfere in household matters! You think of nothing but your nonsense, and the whole house is on my shoulders. You will infect us all!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What? How? I don't understand what you mean.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How? Why, people ill of diphtheria sleep in the kitchen, which is in constant communication with the whole house.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but I....

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What, I?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I know nothing about it.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It's your duty to know, if you are the head of the family. Such things must not be done.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But I never thought.... I thought....

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It is sickening to listen to you!

  [LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH remains silent.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to THEODORE IVÁNITCH). Turn them out at once! They are to leave my kitchen immediately! It is terrible! No one listens to me; they do it out of spite.... I turn them out from there, and they bring them in here! And with my illness.... (Gets more and more excited, and at last begins to cry.) Doctor! Doctor! Peter Petróvitch!... He's gone too!...

  [Exit, sobbing, followed by LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.

  [All stand silent for a long time.

  THIRD PEASANT. Botheration take them all! If one don't mind, the police will be after one here. And I have never been to law in all my born days. Let's go to some lodging-house, lads!

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. (to TÁNYA). What are we to do?

  TÁNYA. Never mind, Theodore Ivánitch, let them sleep with the coachman.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How can we do that? The coachman was complaining as it is, that his place is full of dogs.

  TÁNYA. Well, then, the porter's lodge.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And supposing it's found out?

  TÁNYA. It won't be found out! Don't trouble about that, Theodore Ivánitch. How can one turn them out now, at night? They'll not find anywhere to go to.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, do as you please. Only they must go away from here.

  [Exit.

  [PEASANTS take their bags.

  DISCHARGED COOK. Oh those damned fiends! It's all their fat! Fiends!

  SERVANTS' COOK. You be quiet there. Thank goodness they didn't see you!

  TÁNYA. Well then, daddy, come along to the porter's lodge.

  FIRST PEASANT. Well, but how about our business? How, for example, about the applience of his hand to the signature? May we be in hopes?

  TÁNYA. We'll see in an hour's time.

  SECOND PEASANT. You'll do the trick?

  TÁNYA (laughs). Yes, God willing!

  CURTAIN

  ACT III

  Evening of the same day. The small drawing-room in LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH'S house, where the séances are always held. LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH and the PROFESSOR.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, shall we risk a séance with our new medium?

  PROFESSOR. Yes, certainly. He is a powerful medium, there is no doubt about it. And it is especially desirable that the séance should take place to-day with the same people. Grossman will certainly respond to the influence of the mediumistic energy, and then the connection and identity of the different phenomena will be still more evident. You will see then that, if the medium is as strong as he was just now, Grossman will vibrate.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Then I will send for Simon and ask those who wish to attend to come in.

  PROFESSOR. Yes, all right! I will just jot down a few notes.

  [Takes out his note-book and writes.

  [Enter SAHÁTOF.

  SAHÁTOF. They have just settled down to whist in Anna Pávlovna's drawing-room, and as I am not wanted there--and as I am interested in your séance--I have put in an appearance here. But will there be a séance?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly!

  SAHÁTOF. In spite of the absence of Mr. Kaptchítch's mediumistic powers?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Vous avez la main heureuse. [10] Fancy, that very peasant whom I mentioned to you this morning turns out to be an undoubted medium.

  SAHÁTOF. Dear me! Yes, that is peculiarly interesting!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, we tried a few preliminary experiments with him just after dinner.

  SAHÁTOF. So you've had time already to experiment, and to convince yourself....

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, perfectly! And he turns out to be an exceptionally powerful medium.

  SAHÁTOF (incredulously). Dear me!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It turns out that it has long been noticed in the servants' hall. When he sits down to table, the spoon springs into his hand of its own accord! (To the PROFESSOR.) Had you heard about it?

  PROFESSOR. No, I had not heard that detail.

  SAHÁTOF (to the PROFESSOR). But still, you admit the possibility of such phenomena?

  PROFESSOR. What phenomena?

  SAHÁTOF. Well, spiritualistic, mediumistic, and supernatural phenomena in general.

  PROFESSOR. The question is, what do we consider supernatural? When, not a living man but a piece of stone attracted a nail to itself, how did the phenomena strike the first observers? As something natural? Or supernatural?

  SAHÁTOF. Well, of course; but phenomena such as the magnet attracting iron always repeat themselves.

  PROFESSOR. It is just the same in this case. The phenomenon repeats itself and we experiment with it. And not only that, but we apply to the phenomena we are investigating the laws common to other phenomena. These phenomena seem supernatural only because their causes are attributed to the medium himself. But that is where the mistake lies. The phenomena are not caused by the medium, but by psychic energy acting through a medium, and that is a very different thing. The whole matter lies in the law of equivalents.

  SAHÁTOF. Yes, certainly, but....

  [Enter TÁNYA, who hides behind the hangings.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Only remember that we cannot reckon on any results with certainty, with this medium any more than with Home or Kaptchítch. We may not succeed, but on the other hand we may even have perfect materialisation.

  SAHÁTOF. Materialisation even? What do you mean by materialisation?

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, I mean that some one who is dead--say, your father or your grandfather--may appear, take you by the hand, or give you something; or else some one may suddenly rise into the air, as happened to Alexéy Vladímiritch last time.

  PROFESSOR. Of course, of course. But the chief thing is the explanation of the phenomena, and the application to them of general laws.

  [Enter the FAT LADY.

  FAT LADY. Anna Pávlovna has allowed me to join you.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Very pleased.

  FAT LADY. Oh, how tired Grossman seems! He could scarcely hold his cup. Did you notice (to the PROFESSOR) how pale he turned at the moment he approached the hiding-place? I noticed it at once, and was the first to mention it to Anna Pávlovna.

  PROFESSOR. Undoubtedly,--loss of vital energy.

  FAT LADY. Yes, it's just as I say, one should not abuse that sort of thing. You know, a hypnotist once suggested to a friend of mine, Véra Kónshin (oh, you know her, of course)--well, he suggested that she should leave off smoking,--and her back began to ache!

  PROFESSOR (trying to have his say). The temperature and the pulse clearly indicate....

  FAT LADY. One moment! Allow me! Well, I said to her: it's better to smoke than to suffer so with one's nerves. Of course, smoking is injurious; I should like to give it up myself, but, do what I will, I can't! Once I managed not to smoke for a fortnight, but could hold out no lon
ger.

  PROFESSOR (again trying to speak). Clearly proves....

  FAT LADY. Yes, no! Allow me, just one word! You say, "loss of strength." And I was also going to say that, when I travelled with post-horses ... the roads used to be dreadful in those days--you don't remember--but I have noticed that all our nervousness comes from railways! I, for instance, can't sleep while travelling; I cannot fall asleep to save my life!

  PROFESSOR (makes another attempt, which the FAT LADY baffles). The loss of strength....

  SAHÁTOF (smiling). Yes; oh yes!

  [LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH rings.

  FAT LADY. I am awake one night, and another, and a third, and still I can't sleep!

  [Enter GREGORY.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please tell Theodore to get everything ready for the séance, and send Simon here--Simon, the butler's assistant,--do you hear?

  GREGORY. Yes, sir.

  [Exit.

  PROFESSOR (to SAHÁTOF). The observation of the temperature and the pulse have shown loss of vital energy. The same will happen in consequence of the mediumistic phenomena. The law of the conservation of energy....

  FAT LADY. Oh yes, yes; I was just going to say that I am very glad that a simple peasant turns out to be a medium. That's very good. I always did say that the Slavophils....

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Let's go into the drawing-room in the meantime.

  FAT LADY. Allow me, just one word! The Slavophils are right; but I always told my husband that one ought never to exaggerate anything! "The golden mean," you know. What is the use of maintaining that the common people are all perfect, when I have myself seen....

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Won't you come into the drawing-room?

  FAT LADY. A boy--that high--who drank! I gave him a scolding at once. And he was grateful to me afterwards. They are children, and, as I always say, children need both love and severity!

  [Exeunt all, all talking together.

  [TÁNYA enters from behind the hangings.

  TÁNYA. Oh, if it would only succeed!

  [Begins fastening some threads.

  [Enter BETSY hurriedly.

  BETSY. Isn't papa here? (Looks inquiringly at TÁNYA.) What are you doing here?

  TÁNYA. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I have only just come; I only wished ... only came in....

  [Embarrassed.

  BETSY. But they are going to have a séance here directly (Notices TÁNYA drawing in the threads, looks at her, and suddenly bursts out laughing.) Tánya! Why, it's you who do it all? Now don't deny it. And last time it was you too? Yes, it was, it was!

  TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, dearest!

  BETSY (delighted). Oh, that is a joke! Well, I never. But why do you do it?

  TÁNYA. Oh miss, dear miss, don't betray me!

  BETSY. Not for the world! I'm awfully glad. Only tell me how you manage it?

  TÁNYA. Well, I just hide, and then, when it's all dark, I come out and do it. That's how.

  BETSY (pointing to threads). And what is this for? You needn't tell me. I see; you draw....

  TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, darling! I will confess it, but only to you. I used to do it just for fun, but now I mean business.

  BETSY. What? How? What business?

  TÁNYA. Well, you see, those peasants that came this morning, you saw them. They want to buy some land, and your father won't sell it; well, and Theodore Ivánitch, he says it's the spirits as forbid him. So I have had a thought as....

  BETSY. Oh, I see! Well, you are a clever girl! Do it, do it.... But how will you manage it?

  TÁNYA. Well, I thought, when they put out the lights, I'll at once begin knocking and shying things about, touching their heads with the threads, and at last I'll take the paper about the land and throw it on the table. I've got it here.

  BETSY. Well, and then?

  TÁNYA. Why, don't you see? They will be astonished. The peasants had the paper, and now it's here. I will teach....

  BETSY. Why, of course! Simon is the medium to-day!

  TÁNYA. Well, I'll teach him.... (Laughs so that she can't continue.) I'll tell him to squeeze with his hands any one he can get hold of! Of course, not your father--he'd never dare do that--but any one else; he'll squeeze till it's signed.

  BETSY (laughing). But that's not the way it is done. Mediums never do anything themselves.

  TÁNYA. Oh, never mind. It's all one; I daresay it'll turn out all right.

  [Enter THEODORE IVÁNITCH.

  [Exit BETSY, making signs to TÁNYA.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why are you here?

  TÁNYA. It's you I want, Theodore Ivánitch, dear....

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what is it?

  TÁNYA. About that affair of mine as I spoke of.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH (laughs). I've made the match; yes, I've made the match. The matter is settled; we have shaken hands on it, only not had a drink on it.

  TÁNYA (with a shriek). Never! So it's all right?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't I tell you so? He says, "I shall consult the missus, and then, God willing...."

  TÁNYA. Is that what he said? (Shrieks.) Dear Theodore Ivánitch, I'll pray for you all the days of my life!

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right! All right! Now is not the time. I've been ordered to arrange the room for the séance.

  TÁNYA. Let me help you. How's it to be arranged?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How? Why, the table in the middle of the room-- chairs--the guitar--the accordion. The lamp is not wanted, only candles.

  TÁNYA (helps THEODORE IVÁNITCH to place the things). Is that right? The guitar here, and here the inkstand. (Places it.) So?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Can it be true that they'll make Simon sit here?

  TÁNYA. I suppose so; they've done it once.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wonderful! (Puts on his pince-nez.) But is he clean?

  TÁNYA. How should I know?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what....

  TÁNYA. Yes, Theodore Ivánitch?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go and take a nail-brush and some Pears' soap; you may take mine ... and go and cut his claws and scrub his hands as clean as possible.

  TÁNYA. He can do it himself.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well then, tell him to. And tell him to put on a clean shirt as well.

  TÁNYA. All right, Theodore Ivánitch.

  [Exit.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH (sits down in an easy-chair). They're educated and learned--Alexéy Vladímiritch now, he's a professor--and yet sometimes one can't help doubting very much. The people's rude superstitions are being abolished: hobgoblins, sorcerers, witches.... But if one considers it, is not this equally superstitious? How is it possible that the souls of the dead should come and talk, and play the guitar? No! Some one is fooling them, or they are fooling themselves. And as to this business with Simon--it's simply incomprehensible. (Looks at an album.) Here's their spiritualistic album. How is it possible to photograph a spirit? But here is the likeness of a Turk and Leoníd Fyódoritch sitting by.... Extraordinary human weakness!

  [Enter LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Is it all ready?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH (rising leisurely). Quite ready. (Smiles.) Only I don't know about your new medium. I hope he won't disgrace you, Leoníd Fyódoritch.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, I and Alexéy Vladímiritch have tested him. He is a wonderfully powerful medium!

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, I don't know. But is he clean enough? I don't suppose you have thought of ordering him to wash his hands? It might be rather inconvenient.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. His hands? Oh yes! They're not clean, you think?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What can you expect? He's a peasant, and there will be ladies present, and Márya Vasílevna.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It will be all right.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And then I have something to report to you. Timothy, the coachman, complains that he can't keep things clean because of the dogs.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (arranging the things
on the table absentmindedly). What dogs?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The three hounds that came for Vasíly Leoníditch to-day.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (vexed). Tell Anna Pávlovna! She can do as she likes about it. I have no time.