Dawn of Change

by Gerri Hill

  Shawn stared at the ceiling. Since when had she noticed Susan’s lips? But the eyes, yes. Had she ever looked into eyes that blue? Eyes that danced in amusement while watching Alex? Eyes that warmed at the sight of Shawn? Shawn rolled over again, punching her pillow just a little too hard. No, Susan was just a friend. And that’s all she ever could be.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Susan paced. She should have just called her. But surely she would come up, wouldn’t she?

  What if the weekend in San Francisco turned out to be fabulous? Would she go back?

  Susan paced again, pausing occasionally to glance out the window to the drive. She needed desperately for Shawn to come up. Susan had spent the entire week thinking about Lisa, worrying about Lisa, so much so that she had worked herself into a frenzy. And when Shawn hadn’t shown up last night, Susan drank the entire bottle of wine herself as she rehearsed conversations with Lisa.

  “It’s not the end of the world,” she murmured. Whatever was happening with Lisa would happen whether Susan was involved or not. She knew enough from talking with Shawn that whatever choice Lisa was having to make involved going with her feelings or fighting them.

  Then again, maybe Susan was just jumping to conclusions. Maybe there was absolutely nothing going on between Lisa and Sheri. Maybe they were simply good friends, like Susan and Shawn were.

  The sound of the truck door slamming brought Susan around and she had the front door opened before Shawn could knock. Her eyes warmed at the sight of Shawn and she hadn’t realized just how much she had missed her.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, yourself,” Susan answered. Then she walked to Shawn and wrapped her arms around her neck, giving her a quick hug.

  “Miss me?” Shawn teased.

  Susan smiled, their eyes still locked. “I missed you. I was hoping you were coming last night.”

  “I had dinner plans last night,” Shawn explained.

  “Another date?” Susan ignored the sharp pain. Jealousy? “You are getting around lately.”

  “No date. Just a couple of friends from work. They thought I needed to get out.”

  Susan felt relieved and she wasn’t quite sure why. “So you’re just getting up here? Have you put your tent up yet?”

  “No. I came straight here.”

  “Stay with me tonight,” Susan offered.

  Shawn smiled and her eyes darkened and Susan felt suddenly nervous.

  “You finally have a weekend without company. Are you sure you want me here?”

  Susan took her arm and drew her inside. “Very sure. And I have an ulterior motive.”

  “Oh?”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “You don’t have to bribe me with a bed,” Shawn said.

  “And food? And wine?”

  “All of that? Well, how can I turn it down,” Shawn teased. “What about Alex?”

  “Oh, I missed Alex. I bought him some more treats, too. And, we’ll have ribs for dinner, that way Alex will have bones to chew on.”

  When Susan found Shawn staring at her, she raised her hands questioningly. “What?”

  “You’re planning the meal around Alex?” Then Shawn grinned. “Susan, you need to get out more. I’m beginning to worry about you.”

  “You’ll need to worry when I won’t let you take him home with you.”

  They both laughed and Shawn saw some of the earlier tension drain away from Susan’s face. She had looked extremely stressed when Shawn first saw her and she assumed she had spent many a sleepless night worrying about Lisa. Of course, maybe it was something else. Maybe David had called. Maybe he had even come up.

  Shawn didn’t like that scenario in the least. Susan was better off without him. Surely she could see that, even if Ruth could not. But she shook her head. It really wasn’t any of her concern.

  “What?”

  “What?” Shawn looked up and let Susan capture her eyes.

  “You look troubled. You’re frowning. What are you thinking about?”

  Shawn looked away. “Nothing.”

  But Susan grabbed her arm when Shawn would have turned away. “Shawn, we don’t have any secrets. Do we? I thought we had pretty much gone over all the gory details of both our lives.”

  “All right. I was thinking that you looked tense, stressed. Then I thought that perhaps David had called you, had even come up here. Maybe you were planning on reconciling. But then I thought that you were better off without him, even if Ruth doesn’t agree. Then I thought that it wasn’t any of my damn business.” Their eyes held again. “That about covers it.”

  Susan put her hands on her hips and studied Shawn. “I haven’t heard from Dave. Actually, I haven’t given him a thought this week.” Then she smiled gently and took Shawn’s hand. “And don’t say it’s none of your business. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.”

  Shawn nodded, but said nothing.

  “It’s Lisa I need to talk to you about.”

  Shawn’s back stiffened. So, Susan would give her no reprieve.

  “Maybe we could take a walk? Take the trail to the ranger station?” Shawn suggested.

  “Yes. I need desperately to get out of the house.”

  They were both quiet as they went into the woods behind the cabin. They found the trail to the ranger station and Alex led the way, both women lost in their own thoughts.

  “Shawn?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Lisa came up here last weekend.”

  “Really? Ruth and your mother gave you a break?”

  “No, they were here, too.”

  Susan wasn’t sure how to approach this subject with Shawn. She didn’t want to offend her in any way, not that she thought Shawn would be offended by anything Susan said.

  “Lisa brought a friend with her, a classmate.”

  Shawn nodded, but kept walking. Finally, Susan grabbed Shawn’s arm to stop her.

  “I know you only met Lisa the one time, but did you happen to think . . . well, did Lisa give you the impression that she might be . . . oh, shit,” Susan finished. She couldn’t even say the word. Not about Lisa.

  Shawn stood quietly in front of Susan, watching the emotions cross her face. Finally their eyes met and Shawn saw the question that Susan could not bear to ask.

  “Are you trying to ask me if I think she’s gay?”

  “Do you?” Susan whispered.

  Shawn remembered Lisa’s urgent plea not to tell her mother, but Shawn didn’t have the power to lie to those eyes.

  “After I met her, yes, I thought she might be gay.”

  “Oh, no,” Susan groaned. She covered her mouth with one hand, the other reaching out to Shawn. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

  They stood there on the trail and Susan became aware of how quiet it had become. Even Alex sat patiently beside them and waited. She heard herself swallow nervously.

  “The girl that she brought, and I’m sorry, but I did the stereotype again, but she had very short hair and earrings,” she said pointing to her ear. “All in one ear. Just wore a tiny shirt under overalls.”

  Shawn grinned. “She’s in college, Susan. That’s how they dress. Or did she have that lesbian tattoo on her forehead?”

  “No. It wasn’t that and don’t tease me. They were very familiar with each other . . . when they looked at each other, there was more there than just friendship.”

  “Susan . . .”

  “No. I’m worried about her, Shawn. What if . . . ?”

  “What if what?”

  Their eyes locked together. “What if she’s gay?”

  Shawn gripped both of Susan’s arms tightly. “What if she is? If it’s going to happen, it will happen, regardless of what you say or do.”

  “But what if she’s just curious? What if this girl is pushing her into something she doesn’t want?”

  Shawn tried to pull her eyes away from Susan’s blue ones, but they held her. She forgot all about Lisa’s plea to her. S
he only wanted to ease Susan’s worry and bring the smile back to those eyes.

  “Let’s walk.” Shawn turned, not waiting for Susan, knowing she would follow. Alex immediately ran ahead, hoping to urge the women a little faster.

  “What do you know?” Susan finally asked.

  “Lisa came to my house that week before she came up here. She needed to talk,” Shawn explained.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Susan demanded, her voice echoing through the silent forest.

  Shawn turned quickly. “Susan, Lisa is scared. She’s scared of what’s happening to her and she’s scared of what you’ll think of her. She trusted me with this. She asked me not to tell you.”

  “I’m her mother! You had no right to keep this from me.”

  “Don’t you think I wanted to tell you? She called me at the Women’s Center. I knew then what she wanted to talk to me about and I wanted to pick up the phone and call you right then, before I’d even seen her. But what good would that have done?”

  Susan’s eyes misted over. Lisa was hurt, troubled, and she needed to talk. And she had called Shawn, not her own mother. What did that say about their relationship?

  “So, she told you?”

  Shawn saw the tears and quickly gathered Susan in her arms. “Don’t cry. Please?” Shawn couldn’t bear to see Susan hurting.

  “Why couldn’t she have come to me? I thought we were closer than that.” Susan laid her head on Shawn’s shoulder, thankful for the comfort of this woman.

  “She doesn’t want to hurt you, Susan. She said that you had enough worries of your own without her adding to it.”

  “What did she say, Shawn? Please tell me.”

  “She’s going through that discovery stage, Susan. And she’s scared of what she’s feeling for Sheri. But I don’t think Sheri is pushing her into anything.”

  “You mean, they haven’t done anything . . . physical?”

  Susan pulled back, but her hands still gripped Shawn’s forearms.

  “Well, they haven’t had sex, as far as I know,” Shawn said. Susan continued to stare and Shawn shook her head weakly. “They’ve kissed, touched.”

  Susan let her breath out quickly, trying to absorb this information, picturing Lisa and Sheri together.

  “Don’t, Susan. Don’t think about it.” Shawn took her hand and pulled her along the trail, making her walk.

  “I can’t help it. I’m not a prude. And I know these things happen, I mean, look at you. But it’s different when it’s your daughter. I don’t want this life for her. She deserves better.” Susan wanted to take back the words as soon as she spoke them. She very nearly bumped into Shawn as Shawn turned around quickly, her eyes angry.

  “And what kind of life is this, Susan? A life of prejudice? A life of being pointed at? Looked down upon? People trying to imagine what two women could possibly do in bed together? People like Ruth thinking we’re out to rape and ravage the country club set?”

  “I’m so sorry,” Susan whispered, but Shawn ignored her.

  “And you should be worried about Lisa. This is not an easy life and you learn quickly to become thick skinned. And just when you think you’ve found a friend who can get past all that, can like you for who you are . . .” Shawn paused, not afraid to let Susan see the tears in her eyes. “You learn that they still harbor that prejudice against you.”

  “Shawn, I never—”

  But Shawn brushed by Susan without looking back. “Come on, Alex.”

  Alex ran past Susan, then stopped, looking back as if wondering why Susan was not going with them. Then Alex turned and ran after Shawn.

  Susan let her tears gather, then fall. How could she have been so insensitive? Shawn had been there for her all these times without asking for anything in return. How could she have hurt her so?

  “Shawn!” She made herself move, running along the trail, trying to catch up with Shawn’s long strides. Alex finally stopped and ran back toward her, his tail wagging, oblivious to the tension between the two women.

  “Shawn, wait! Please?” Her voice cracked and she saw Shawn slow her strides then finally stop. The proud woman she had come to know stood with her back to Susan, shoulders slumped, head held low.

  “Shawn, please forgive me. I never want to hurt you. Not you.”

  Susan walked around Shawn and stood in front of her. Their eyes finally met, both swimming in tears.

  “You are my friend,” Susan whispered. “Your . . . your lifestyle is not a consideration when it comes to that. I don’t even think about it. That’s why I so carelessly said those words. I’m sorry.”

  “I care about you,” Shawn managed to get out of her tight throat. “I care about Lisa.”

  Susan felt her heart breaking. “And I care about you. Please forgive me.”

  Shawn nodded weakly and wiped at an errant tear that escaped down her cheek.

  Susan wrapped her arms around Shawn and held her. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  Alex decided he’d had enough and managed to wriggle his body between them until they finally drew apart.

  “Come on. Let’s get a beer,” Susan suggested.

  Shawn tried to smile. “It’s not even noon. What in the world would Ruth say?”

  Susan grinned. “She’d say I was corrupting you.”

  Shawn grabbed Susan’s arm, stopping her. “Susan, I’m sorry about Lisa. I know this is hard for you to understand.”

  But Susan stopped her apology with a quick squeeze on her shoulder. “No. Let’s not talk about it anymore. You’re right. Whatever’s going to happen will happen. I can only hope she turns out half as good as you.” Then Susan turned back to Shawn, thinking she had said the wrong thing again, but Shawn was finally smiling.

  “Thank you.”

  “I mean it, Shawn, you’re a wonderful person. You’re a good friend. The best.”

  They sat quietly on the deck, both sipping occasionally from their beers. Shawn tossed the ball into the forest for Alex and Susan watched them, hating the uneasiness that had sprung up between her and Shawn. She had hurt Shawn, had made her cry. She suspected that Shawn rarely cried. Perhaps that was why she now had a hard time meeting Susan’s eyes.

  “You never said how your weekend went.” With only Lisa on Susan’s mind, she had forgotten about Shawn’s trip to San Francisco. “Did you get lucky?”

  “If you think going on a blind date is lucky, I guess.”

  “Blind date? I thought you were going to see a woman friend.” Now that they were talking about it, Susan wasn’t at all sure she wanted to hear details.

  “Amy is a friend, yes. I met her here about six years ago at a counseling workshop and she’s insisted we keep in touch.” Shawn smiled at that. She knew, if left up to her, they would have drifted apart years ago. But Amy was not one to let friendships slip away and Shawn made three or four trips to San Francisco each year to visit.

  “So, you’ve never been . . .”

  “Lovers? No. But she has a friend she thought I’d like, so we met for dinner.”

  “Just the two of you?” Susan was aware of how much she wanted the answer to be no.

  “No. Amy and her date went, too.”

  “And?” Again, Susan wasn’t at all sure she wanted to hear this. She was surprised at how possessive she seemed to have become over Shawn.

  “She was nice. And we have a lot in common.” Shawn didn’t elaborate. The look on Susan’s face told her that Susan didn’t really want to hear about it. And why would she? She just found out her daughter is most likely gay. She doubted Susan wanted to hear about Shawn’s love life. Or lack thereof.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The rain that threatened all day started with a downpour and Susan listened as it drummed against the skylights. She wondered if the rain would keep Shawn away.

  “You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to come to Fresno occasionally.”

  Susan’s sigh was quite audible. “And why would I
want to do that, Ruth?”

  “You have friends there, you have family there. A home. Susan, you have a husband there.”

  “No. This is home. At least, ever since I took Dave’s things down and put them away. Speaking of which, I have a couple of boxes I’d like you to take back for him.”

  “For God’s sake, Susan!”

  But Susan wasn’t going to get into it with Ruth yet again. “Oh, did I tell you I spoke with an attorney this week?” As expected, Ruth was stunned into silence. “Apparently, Dave is not going to file, so I am.”

  “Susan! No, you can’t.” Ruth jumped to her feet and stood in front of Susan, as if her presence would change Susan’s mind. “You’re being too hasty. It’s only been a few months. You haven’t even tried to speak with him about this.”

  “I don’t want to speak with him about this. I don’t want to reconcile. I want to divorce him, Ruth.” Susan felt good saying the words out loud. Not that she doubted her decision. She knew it was the right one, but still, it was frightening when she thought about severing her ties with Dave and starting her life over.

  “And have you even bothered to tell him this or are you just going to surprise him?”

  “I doubt it will be a surprise, Ruth.” But maybe she was being a bit immature about it. She should have the decency to call him, to tell him herself. And maybe she would. They did have twenty years of history between them. And one blonde. Well, one that Susan knew of anyway.

  “I didn’t realize you were so vindictive, Susan.”

  Susan walked to the window and stared out into the rain. “Do you think I’m divorcing him just because he had an affair? If I loved him, don’t you think I would fight to keep our marriage alive?” She turned back to Ruth, her voice quiet. “Our marriage was over long ago. I just didn’t know it.”

  “But Dave . . .”

  “Dave knows it too, Ruth. Why do you think he hasn’t been calling me? Why do you think he hasn’t come up here?”