As I Am

by David B. Jai

  Chapter Seven

  Finally, I turned seventeen years old and headed to the 12th grade. I attended Rita Ross High School. I was excited because this school offered a great science curriculum and could help prepare me for my psychological studies at the University of Notre Dame. There were too many tragic memories in our last apartment, so Mom married a decent guy named Lamont and decided to give Robbie and me a new chance on life. We moved the southside of Louisville, off Manslick Road. The area was a predominantly white, middle-class community, and everyone seemed to get along just fine.

  Transitioning to the new area with new people seemed like a breath of fresh air. I knew I could use new scenery, a new high school, and new friends. Our new apartment was terrific, as it was a tri-level townhouse with two-bedrooms and a full-size basement. Mom and Lamont’s bedroom was on the top floor, which they called, “The Penthouse.” My bedroom was on the middle floor along with a great room, dining and bathroom and humongous kitchen. Robbie lived in the basement, which he called his man-cave. His walls were plastered with pictures of Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston and Prince. The outside of the apartment came with a fenced-in front and backyard, modest curb appeal and huge trees throughout the yard.

  The fence provided extreme comfort for me because I could keep a barrier between other people and me. I wasn’t interested in getting to know anyone, but occasionally I would sit out in the front yard and watch two brothers running up and down the street trying to beat each other in racing. Their boyish competition reminded me of watching the Kentucky Derby where two thoroughbred horses ran around the track for two minutes trying to win a bouquet of red roses. Numerous peers were watching them run up and down the street. Usually, I would watch the entertainment from the living room window; however, one beautiful day with the sun beaming and the temperature around eighty-five degrees, I could hear my inner voice say, I should go outside and sit under the tree and watch the race. However, my thoughts were telling me that they would hurt me or even try to jump the fence and fight me. I wanted to be normal, so I ignored my thoughts. I grabbed a chair from the kitchen, reached in the refrigerator, and grabbed a shot of Lamont’s Bacardi and Coke then proceeded outside. At least, if I got beat up, I wouldn’t feel the blows as much and probably wouldn’t remember the event too well. Finally, making it outdoors, my stomach was trembling, and my guts were roaring like a lion protecting her cubs. However, I planted a seat under the big oak tree behind the fence and watched the brothers race up and down the street while sipping on my drink.

  A few people nodded at me and tried to speak. By this time, the alcohol was deep into my system and I was feeling good, so I ignored them. I didn’t care what they had to say to me or about me. I was enjoying the moment. I said to myself, This is my time of complete freedom, even-though I was behind the fence.

  “Fuck Dad!” I yelled spontaneously from under the tree, as if I was in deep conversation with someone.

  I grabbed my drink, held it up to the sun, and made a toast, “This is to the secret life of me. It’s my mother fucking life, and I can live it any way I want to,” I said, as I seemed to be getting overly intoxicated. Then suddenly, I fell back in the chair, laughing at myself.

  You bitch ass nigga, you ain’t doing shit with your faggot ass, the other inner voice said.

  “Fuck you inner voice, not today, so don’t even try to do me,” I said.

  By this time, one of the brothers came over to speak. Oh, shit, let me pull myself together. He’s walking over here. I tried calming myself down and pulling myself together by trying to act normal. As the young guy got closer, I started to back away from the fence and back into the yard.

  Run, bitch, my inner voice said, but I decided to remain calm.

  Under the influence of alcohol, there was no more running. I became superhuman, bold and somewhat aggressive. I remember one time Robbie was picking at me, and I had a drink. I picked up an ashtray and hit him upside his head, leaving a big bruise across his forehead.

  “Hey, new-breed, come race with us?” the younger brother said in a light voice progressing through puberty.

  “I’m cool,” I said, feeling ashamed, shy, and embarrassed. There goes my methodology for alcohol being a personality enhancer.

  “You must be scared,” he said, trying to entice me.

  I didn’t know how to respond, so I started sipping on my drink again. As I took a drink, I thought to myself, Wow, he’s gorgeous. The guy stood about six-feet-one inches tall, light complexion, big beautiful pink lips, thick eyelashes, hazel eyes and small freckles in his face. My eyes began to wander toward his body, viewing bulging pecks, which had a few strings of chest hair. His abs are the solid washboard type. The muscles on his stomach appeared as if they were trapped under his skin, trying to get out. I wanted desperately to touch one of them, but I dared not. No more games here! He turned sideways and I continued looking down at his sagging, red, silky shorts with his gluteus just showing the crack of his butt. I further looked and noticing his legs, which were muscular and coated by a light film of hair. Damn, I would love to play my game with him, I said to myself.

  “Yo, bro, you want to race?” the voice said, snapping me out of my moment of pleasure.

  I couldn’t fathom what to say; therefore, I sat back down in my chair in full pleasure. “I’m good, bro.” I started to finish up my drink.

  While engaged in conversation, a girl started walking toward us.

  “Hi, I’m Tonya, you cute – you must be new to the neighborhood,” she said, exposing her pearly white teeth.

  “Yeah, I just moved over here from the Westside.”

  “Do you have a girlfriend, cause you are too cute to be single,” she said, flirting.

  “Girl, can’t you see grown men are talking? By-the-way, I’m Toby, but everyone calls me Toe,” he said abruptly, ending Tonya’s conversation.

  “Hey wassup, I’m Darnell,” I said, trying to catch my breath and trying not to appear drunk.

  “Let’s hang out sometimes, bro?” Toe asked.

  “That’s cool man!” I said.

  On the inside, I felt jubilant because this guy wanted to hang out with me. I could possibly have a friend in my life, after all.

  As I looked over and saw Tonya’s facial expression, she seemed to get mad by putting her hands on her hips and rolling her neck, “Toe, you’re always interrupting something.”

  “Girl, he doesn’t want you. You’re the neighborhood hoe,” Toe said jokingly.

  “Is that why you asked for some last night?” she said sarcastically.

  “Tonya, go on, grown men are talking,” Toe said as he was shooing her away.

  As Tonya left, I felt compelled to go as well because I was intoxicated and I couldn’t control my thoughts about Toe. I might say the wrong thing, so I better just leave.

  “Alright, Toe, I better run too. I’ll catch up with you later,” I said.

  “OK, bro, but don’t think I don’t see you watching,” he said, smiling.

  We both laughed. I wondered about what he meant by seeing me watching. I paid no attention and went into the house and started watching Good Times.

  As I lay in my bed, I thought about Toe and our interaction. I wanted us to be friends, but I don’t know anything about being someone’s friend. What was expected of me, what do friends do? My mind drifted back to his amazing smile and his stout, muscular body. Smiling internally, I fell asleep. I guess I can’t handle my alcohol either.

  Chapter Eight

  A few days passed since I watched Toe and his brother racing up and down the streets. My mind was bombarded with naked images of Toe’s boyish features, his pleasant smile, and his incredible body. I struggled to make sense of my thoughts and why was I thinking about a guy’s body. Indeed, I wasn’t gay or attracted to Toe, but just liked the physique of his body. After all my trials and tribulations, cognitively, I thought I s
hould pursue a relationship with a female versus a male. I thought I would be better accepted, and people wouldn’t whisper about me, as I walked into a building or the classroom as far as that goes, but would that make me happy?

  The start of a new morning brought forth new ideas, so I decided to take a bath. In my bedroom, I still had both twin beds. Although they were new, they were uncomfortable, and since I was almost six feet tall, my legs hung over the end of the mattress.

  While undressing, I took an in-depth look at my body. I thought it was a crazy idea, but I wanted to compare my body to the shape of Toe’s. Behind the door to our bedroom was a six-foot mirror plastered to the door. I didn’t want to appear freakish, or perhaps, I thought I wouldn’t like what I would see. I said to myself, OK Darnell, it’s time for you to view what your mama has given you. I took off my white T-shirt and then, sitting on the edge of the bed, removed my Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear. Completely naked, I stood and slowly turned to face the mirror. I put my hands over my eyes, squinting my eyes so tight, seeing total darkness. As I stood in front of the mirror, I slowly peeked out from the night, kind of like a new-born child, embracing light for the first time. I battled my inner voice, saying this was stupid; however, I’m learning to press beyond the voices in my head to grasp reality. All of a sudden, there I was, butt naked in front of the mirror, examining and comparing my body to Toe’s. This is me, and this is what I look like naked, I said to myself.

  To my astonishment, I had a very nice body very similar to Toe’s. Although my pecks were smaller than Toe’s, they were well defined. I could see the imprints of muscular abs growing. It looked like I had a baby six-pack, but not as well-tuned as Toe’s. My thighs were massive and resembled that of a track runner. I guess I developed them running away from my dad a few years back. I turned to the side and noticed my butt. Wow, I thought to myself. It was huge, very circular and matched my body. It wasn’t flabby or out of shape but looked amazing. Nice and round. My back was strong and muscular, accenting my gluteus.

  Knock, knock, knock. I quickly grabbed a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top and hurried to put them on, yelling from the backroom, “Who is it?”

  “Bro, are you busy?” the voice yelled back. I recognized it was Toe.

  “Nah, hold on a minute,” I said grasping for air. I started dancing in the bedroom, full of excitement that Toe was at my front door.

  I finished getting dressed and ran to the door.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I said, startled.

  “Nothing much, it’s a nice day outside, let’s go shoot some hoops,” Toe said, smiling.

  He was wearing a blue and white basketball jersey, black shorts, and Nike sneakers. The daylight made his complexion glow as he started to shine. His lips were amazing and brought forth a beautiful smile that would make anyone pass out.

  “Bro, I was getting ready to get in the shower,” I said, trying to divert the conversation and use his masculine lingo.

  “Man, you can shower when you get back, plus you need to get out of the house anyway.”

  “Good Times is coming on soon, and I rarely miss that,” I said, trying to divert the conversation again, because I don’t know how to play basketball, nor do I know how to act masculine around other males.

  “Darnell, you can record it on the VCR, but I’m going to come in and wait on you to get dressed,” Toe said with a beaming smile.

  I couldn’t resist his beautiful persona and perfectly lined teeth. After all, I did have a strong inner desire to be in his presence, because Toe seemed genuine and had a desire to get to know me.

  “All right, I guess,” I said, smiling and enthused that Toe wanted to spend time with me. Maybe this was the start of a new friendship. Perhaps I can get out of the house and learn to experience new things.

  However, this trip outside created a severe conflict. Every since my dad tried to kill me, I wouldn’t leave the yard unless my family was close by. I can’t go to hang out with Toe because of my fears of being killed by my dad. Although he was in prison, it was my reality that one day he would escape and do me harm. This attitude had caused me problems in my freshman, sophomore, and junior years of school. Usually, I had Robbie with me, and I always knew he was close by, so I functioned well. Now he had graduated high school, and I didn’t have anyone to use for security. I simply couldn’t run to the park with Toe and hang out.

  I grabbed the telephone and dragged it back to the bedroom to call Mom.

  “Mom, I need a huge favor. What are you doing right now?” I inquired.

  “I’m with G-Ma. We are about to leave the Goodwill and grab some ice cream. Are you ok? Is something wrong?”

  “No, ma’am,” I said to calm down her emotions. “Mom, I met this guy named Toe, and he wants to go to the park. I want to go, but I’m scared.”

  “Yes, son! Dr. Blackmon stated that you will have these bouts with PTSD as you got older,” Mom said.

  “I know, but I want to go hang out with him,” I said, feeling frustrated and defeated.

  “Well, son, here’s what we can do. How about you tell Toe you’re going but wait about twenty minutes. I will grab G-Ma, we will get our ice cream, and follow you and Toe to the park. He will never spot us. I will toot the horn just to let you know that we are here.”

  “Oh, wow! That would be amazing and sounds like a wonderful plan.”

  “It’s even a better plan for G-Ma and me because now we can sit in the park and look at the young boys,” Mom said, giggling.

  “Mom, you are married to Lamont,” I said, interjecting.

  “Nothing wrong with looking,” Mom said.

  I hung up the phone and jumped in the shower. However, for some reason, my penis was semi-erect. I didn’t understand why, but I didn’t have time to touch myself, so I started humming, and quickly my erection subsided. I went back to my bedroom and put on some jogging pants and basic sneakers. I was nervous as hell because I didn’t know how to play basketball. I never had a male figure that took time out to show me how to play any sports. Gosh, I felt incredibly embarrassed.

  “Yo, bro, what’s taking you so long?” Toe yelled from the living room. I came out of the bedroom.

  “Let’s roll,” I said.

  Walking into the living room, I noticed Toe looking at me. I started to feel insecure.

  “Bro, you got on jogging pants. It’s hot as hell outside, and you’re going to burn up.”

  “Man, the ladies don’t want a brother with scarred up knees. I’ve got to protect this body.”

  “Darnell, you are a nice-looking brother. I’m sure the girls will dig you just the way you are.”

  “Thanks, man!” I said, smiling. “Where are we going?”

  “I figured we’d go to Wyandotte Park, which is about a 20-minute walk. You will like it over there because the courts are full, and all the honeys will be there,” Toe said enthused.

  “Honey’s, oh, you must be talking about females?”

  “Yeah, bro, where are you from? You’ve got to get out of the house more,” Toe said, laughing.

  As we started walking, I didn’t know what to expect or how to converse with Toe. After all, I had no male friends. All the males who came into my life always violated or abused me except for Robbie, Lamont, and my Paw-Paw. Being alone with Toe was challenging and different, almost to the point of making me feel uncomfortable. Then I started to feel bad because I wasn’t honest with Toe. I didn’t know how to communicate to him that I did not know how to play basketball, nor did I know how to act like a normal young man. I started feeling anxious and overwhelmed and thought about turning around to walk home. I became reticent.

  “Man, you are getting quiet on me,” Toe said, interrupting my thoughts.

  Suddenly without thinking, I asked Toe, “Do you have a dad?”

  “Damn, where did that come from? Yeah, I have a dad! We hav
e a good relationship. He picks me up almost every other weekend, and I go to his house for visits. He’s a cool, calm and collected type of guy. Real laid back and very responsible. He owns his own house in St. Matthews with a swimming pool and basketball courts. You will have to come to visit with me one weekend.”

  “Man, that sounds like fun,” I said, interested. However, I was conflicted and pressed forward with additional questions. “But if he’s that good, then why is your mom a single lady?”

  “Well, it’s a long story, but I will give you the CliffsNotes version. My mom cheated on my dad with his best friend. When dad found out about it, he went crazy and whipped the guy’s ass and divorced my mom. I was cool with it because what my mom did was foul. However, she apologized, I forgave her, and we moved on.”

  I felt deeply saddened because Toe loved his father, and his father loved him as well. Yet, my father tried to kill me. I would love to be loved by a father figure like Toe’s dad. Nonetheless, that wasn’t my reality.

  “Man, that’s deep! My G-Ma said that forgiveness is a gift from God. Because some people never forgive those who hurt them, and they usually become bitter, isolate themselves, failing to engage in meaningful relationships, and normally die alone simply because they won’t forgive. But forgiveness is equal to peace. That’s a peace of mind and, of course, peace with God.”

  “Damn, my guy, you can go deep,” Toe said.

  “Yeah, just some words of inspiration I picked up along the way.”

  “Hey Darnell, look, we are here! There’s the park. The courts are full, but look at the ladies! It’s going to be phat as hell. We are going to have a good time!” Toe said, grabbing and hugging me around the neck.