As I Am

by David B. Jai

  My heart started to beat at 300 beats per minute. I didn’t know how to play basketball or how to talk to girls.

  Chapter Nine

  The sun was beaming bright and the temperature was a perfect eighty-five degrees as we arrived at Wyandotte Park. “Man, look at all the people here! I’ve never seen so many black and white people together in my life,” I said, amazed.

  “Yeah, bro, I told you it was going to be phat. Just stay close to me, and I will make sure you’re good!”

  “Good? Why wouldn’t I be good?” I asked inquisitively.

  “You know, you are in a new area new breed,” Toe said jokingly.

  We began to walk around the park. There were four tennis courts, a public swimming pool with diving boards, a BBQ area, and there were about 200 young people in the parking lot listening to music. I never knew a place like this existed in Louisville. I mostly saw scenes like this in movies or the evening news. The atmosphere was that of a party, as Toe started bopping his head to the beats. I wondered; do I bop my head to the music also?

  “Yo! What’s up, Toe? We are going to kill them this year,” a stranger said, walking up and shaking Toe’s hand.

  “Yeah, bro, we should go to state finals. I’m going to do my best to make sure it happens.” Toe said enthusiastically.

  I remained quiet because I didn’t know what to say. However, I was curious regarding the guy’s comment about “killing them.”

  As we stepped onto the park grounds, almost immediately, I looked up, and five beautiful young girls were coming in our direction. I could hear my heart rate increasing and feel my palms sweat. What I do, What do I say? My brother never prepared me for moments like this.

  “Hey, Darnell, it’s on! Look at these young ladies coming our way. Now I get to hear your game and what you’re about.”

  The game? What game was Toe talking about? I felt like a fish out of water and certainly out of my elements. I wanted to go home and watch Good Times, but it was too late, I was here, so I would just have to make the best of it.

  “Hi, Toe! What are you doing out here? I thought you and Rochelle were going to the movies today?” the girl asked.

  “Nah, I decided to come shoot some hoops with my guy Darnell,” Toe said while looking at me. “He’s new to the area, so I needed to get him out of the house.”

  “Well, Rochelle is on the way to the park. Hopefully you will let her breathe and hang out with the girls today,” Theresa said while twisting her lips.

  Toe then turned in my direction and said,” Darnell, this is, Vicky, Sammy, Erica, and Kim. They are cheerleaders at our high school.”

  “No, you didn’t leave me out,” Theresa said, as she started play fighting with Toe.

  “Girl, you better leave me alone,” Toe said, as he tried to cover himself from Theresa’s soft taps.

  Theresa looked my way saying, “Since Toe is acting stupid, hi, I’m Theresa,” she said, smiling.

  I stood there in a trance, admiring her beauty, as she was the prettiest person I’d ever seen in my life. She had a striking resemblance to Lisa Lisa who sang with the group Cult Jam. Theresa stood about five foot eight, light skin complexion, long curly hair, an innocent smile, slender petite physique and a personality that was charming and inviting. Instantly, I felt attracted to her and thought to myself, she’s my future wife.

  Looking deep into her eyes and revealing the uttermost parts of her soul, I became restrained and blocked out all noises around me.

  “So, Darnell, are you shy or just don’t talk?” Theresa asked.

  My eyes got big because I was still stood awesomely captivated by Theresa’s beauty. I watched her lips, but I couldn’t hear the words she was speaking. She looks fantastic, a beauty queen, I could see myself falling in love with her.

  “Darnell?” Toe said out loud.

  “Yeah, what’s up?” I asked, snapping out of my private thoughts.

  “Theresa asked, and we all want to know, are you shy?”

  “Am I shy? Well, I’ve never met anyone as pretty as Theresa,” I said without thinking.

  They all started to laugh. What did I say that was so funny? Nonetheless, I laughed with the crowd but certainly wanted Theresa to know what I was feeling.

  “Well, he’s certainly not shy, at least not in my book,” Theresa said, looking back at me.

  “Book! Theresa, you don’t have a book, you can’t even read!” Toe said, laughing.

  Suddenly I noticed a girl getting out of a car and walking toward us. From a distance, she was almost as pretty as Theresa is. All I could see was light complexion, shoulder-length hair, and beautiful legs. As she got closer, I became fixated on her beauty. I thought, I must be dreaming or in heaven. I didn’t realize that my hormones were so out of control and that I admired beautiful girls.

  “Rochelle, over here!” Theresa yelled loudly while waving her hands.

  The girl acknowledged Theresa’s presence and started waving. Arriving at our location, the girl said, “Hi, Bestie! What are you doing with my man?”

  Rochelle stood about five foot eight, light brown complexion, high cheekbones, full face with gray eyes. She wore her hair in a curly ponytail and had on a pink blouse with flowers and a pair of Daisy Duke short shorts.

  “I don’t want your man, but look at who’s he’s brought to the park?” Theresa said, pointing in my direction.

  Toe turned and leaned in toward Rochelle, “So, you’re just going to ignore me because Darnell is here?” Toe said, smiling.

  “I’m mad at you because we are supposed to be at the movies, but you want to come play basketball with your new friend,” Rochelle said jokingly while putting her hands on her hips.

  “Stop playing girl. Now come over here and give me a kiss,” Toe said.

  Rochelle turned to the other girls. “That’s my baby y’all. Ain’t he fine?” We laughed as she walked toward his direction. They embraced and shared a few short words.

  “I missed you!” Rochelle said to Toe.

  I didn’t know who Rochelle was, but they looked amazing together and very happy.

  “Hey baby, this is my boy, Darnell. He just moved to the neighborhood from the Northside.”

  “Hi, Darnell, I’m Rochelle! Our names sound nice together, plus they rhyme.”

  “Hi, Rochelle, I’m Darnell,” I said, grinning from ear to ear.

  “Darnell, are you single? Because Theresa needs a man bad!”

  Suddenly, I had butterflies in my stomach. I pondered, What do I say? How do I behave?

  “Child, he’s shy and cute. Plus, he thinks I’m beautiful,” Theresa said chipperly.

  We laughed.

  Toe started getting a little fidgety, biting his nails and shifting his weight from one leg to the other saying, “Yeah, I recently introduced him to Tonya in the neighborhood. They seem interested in each other, so let’s see how that works out first. I wouldn’t want my boy to get his feelings hurt. Or for you to have high expectations, Theresa, for something that may not work out.”

  I was fixated on Theresa and thought I’d speak up now or forever hold my peace. “Toe, I’m not interested in Tonya, you know that, but I would like to get to know Theresa more.” Smiling, I looked in her direction. Theresa blushed and her cheeks turned red as if she was about to say something.

  Before Theresa could respond, Toe jumped in and said, “The game is about to start so we better run.”

  Toe grabbed me and hugged me by my neck and turned my whole body in the direction of the basketball courts. We begin to walk away, leaving the girls alone to chat amongst themselves. I turned to look at Theresa, and she was looking at me, walking away.

  As we walked to the courts, I said. “So, does Theresa attend Rita Ross too?”

  “Yeah, they all do. They are on the varsity cheerleading squad. They mostly hang out together al
l the time. They will practice a little later in the park, draw big crowds, sign autographs, and then head home.”

  “Well, what do you know about Theresa?” I asked.

  “Bro, Theresa seems to be cracking on you!”

  “I don’t know about all of that,” I said shyly. “But what’s up with the state finals and all of that other talk?”

  “Oh, damn! I didn’t tell you that I play on the varsity basketball team at school?”

  “No, you didn’t.” All of a sudden, I began to get nervous.

  I was hanging out with the varsity cheerleaders and now Toe was on the varsity basketball team, and I was going to play basketball with him in a few moments. I felt like I want to die. I became tense.

  “It’s no big deal, bro,” Toe said, trying to get me to relax.

  For some reason, I trusted Toe, and his words amazingly seemed to ease my anxiety. We started walking toward the basketball area to get in on the next game. Could this be the right time to tell Toe that I don’t know how to play basketball? Since he was a basketball star, suppose he wouldn’t accept me or didn’t want to hang out with me anymore? G-Ma said, “Birds of a feather flock together.” I was out of my league, and I didn’t belong on this team. It was too late to tell him. Maybe I could fake the game. After all, all that I had to do was dribble the ball and shoot it at the rim!

  There was a loud whistle blow, “Next!” one of the referees yelled.

  My heart was pumping fast, and I felt like I was going to faint. Maybe I should run or play like I hurt my ankle, but I didn’t want to let Toe down. I didn’t want him to walk away from me like all the other males in my life had done. I said a small prayer and hoped for the best outcome!

  Toe started yelling, “Yo, bro’s, whoever team I’m on, they got to pick up my boy Darnell too. We are a package, so if you want to win, you got to take us both.”

  “No problem, man, I’ll take both of y’all!” a guy named Corey said.

  “All right, bet!” Toe said confirming our package deal.

  The referee, Marty, blew the whistle, and the games began.

  “Darnell, bring in the ball,” the Marty said, but I had no earthly clue as to what he may have meant. Toe saw the confusion on my face and said, “Marty, I got it.” Marty threw the ball to Toe, and I moved under the basket. Toe passed the ball to another player. He bounced the ball a few times and threw it to me. I didn’t know what to do with it. Everybody was charging at me. All the men were running at me at once. I got confused and remembered what G-Ma said, “If people treat you in a way that you oppose, then check to see what made them oppose you in the first place. And if possible, make any necessary corrections.” I thought before I got the ball, everything was OK. Now that I have the ball, all of these people are mad at me. I need to get rid of the ball, and these people won’t be mad anymore. I aimed the ball for the basket, closed my eyes, and threw the ball. Oh my gosh! The ball went in. I, Mr. Darnell T. Williams, earned the team two points. Wait until my mother hears about this! My thoughts were short-lived. Marty blew the whistle and said, “Double dribble.”

  “What? I didn’t double dribble!” I yelled, but that didn’t’ keep him from taking my points away.

  I began to feel sad. Toe could see the expression on my face and said, “Don’t worry about it, bro, remember, I got you!”

  We ran down to the opposite side of the court, and for some reason, the other team wasn’t shooting the ball. They passed it amongst themselves. Then they passed the ball to the person I was guarding. He was getting ready to shoot the ball. I reached over and grabbed his forearm and the player fell to the ground. Marty blew his whistle and yelled, “Technical foul!”

  “That’s not a foul!” I yelled.

  “Dude, you foul me like that again, I’ll whip your ass!” said the player on the ground.

  Toe came running over and said, “Man, he’s used to hood ball. You know how they play when they on the streets out West. Darnell, why don’t you go take a break for a while?”

  The word “break“ was music to my ears. I felt like I was trying to be something that I was not. Feeling relieved, I went to the sidelines to chill. Maybe I’d watch and learn how it’s done. Toe didn’t appear to be upset, so I was calm.

  As I watched the game, I noticed that Toe could play! Plus, he had the ultimate body. His thighs and arms were huge. He was the nicest looking brother in the park, and everyone seemed to like him. I wondered why he kept looking at me, smiling. Maybe he found out my that I couldn’t play basketball.

  Suddenly, I heard, “Hi Darnell, remember me, Theresa?”

  I was caught off-guard processing my feelings over the nervousness of fouling someone I didn’t know. “Yeah! How are you doing, Theresa?” I said, smiling cheek to cheek, because she remembered my name and wanted to talk to me.

  “I would be doing much better if you asked for my telephone number and called me. I know I’m acting a little aggressive, but here’s my number. Call me when you can!” Theresa said, handing me a little piece of paper.

  “Are you sure?” I asked Theresa, as if there simply had been some mistake. This was not happening to me, because no young lady had ever given me her number and asked me to call her. I was all smiles, and my eyebrows were raised. My face started to beam, as if I just won a jackpot.

  “Of course, silly, if I didn’t want you to call me, I wouldn’t have given you my number.”

  “OK, I will call you,” I said graciously.

  Theresa walked off, and I started watch the game again. Toe led the team to victory with fifty-two points! They never called me in to play, which was fine with me. I looked up, and Toe was running in my direction, smiling and elated that his team had won the basketball game.

  “Man, hug me!” Toe said happily.

  “Dude, you’re all sweaty and you stink,” I said jokingly.

  “Come on, dude!”

  I hugged him like Mrs. Jarrett does at church. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him into me.

  “Bro, not like that!” Toe said, smiling. “Give me your hand, bro?” As I put forth my hand, Toe grabbed me and leaned in with his shoulders tapping mine. “Bro, that’s how you hug someone coming off the court.”

  I felt dumb because I didn’t know how to hug a guy. After a brief conversation, I started looking for Theresa to tell her bye, but she was nowhere in sight. All of a sudden, Toe said, “D-a-m-n” and slapped me on my ass. I quickly turned around confused, and he said, “Good game, bro, now throw that bitch’s number away, and let’s go home.”

  I looked at him, astonished because if I didn’t know better, I would think that Toe was flirting with me.

  Chapter Ten

  Every other Wednesday, Mom would reluctantly drag me to see my psychologist, Dr. Roger Blackmon. A few years back, I woke up from my sleep, yelling and screaming that my dad was trying to kill me again. The dream was vivid and very real. I stayed in the house for six months, in spite of knowing that my dad was in prison. Dr. Blackmon said that I suffered from PTSD; which stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. This disease occurs to individuals who have suffered a traumatic event and have difficulties getting over it. Dr. Blackmon said that because the event with my dad was so traumatic, I needed psychotherapy. We had been in session for two years and focused on how to resolve my anxieties, such as not wanting to leave the house unless pressured or going to church.

  Dr. Blackmon’s office building was plush and his staff were friendly. I admired and looked up to Dr. Blackmon and hoped to pursue a career in Psychology when I graduated from high school.

  In the waiting area, he had free sodas and chips, video games for youngsters like myself, and the Internet where you can browse websites, do your homework, or whatever it is that you wish to do while you were waiting for your appointment. While I was surfing the Internet, Dr. Blackmon walked over to me. Noticing his tall build, da
rk brown hair, big pot belly, and suspenders that pulled the pants up between the crack of his behind, I shut down the computer, turned around, and stood up to greet him.

  “Good afternoon, Dr. Blackmon,” I said as I stood up and extended my hand to shake his.

  “Good afternoon, Darnell, are you ready for our session today?” he said, firmly grabbing my hand.

  “Yes, sir, I guess,” I said, though I thought that these psychological sessions were just a waste of time. After all, I had been coming to see him for two years, and there had been no change in my behavior or cognitive abilities. I was still having flashbacks of my dad trying to kill me and although I just met Toe, I still found it difficult finding and trusting friends.

  “Well, come into my office and have a seat,” he said. “So, it’s been a couple weeks since our last visit. Any new things to report?”

  “No, sir, not this week,” I said, hoping that we could end the session soon.

  “Nothing at all?”

  “Well, I did hang out with a new friend, and we went to play basketball.”

  “Darnell, I didn’t know that you knew how to play basketball. You never told me.”

  “Well, actually, I don’t, so I faked it a little bit.”

  “Just like you fake and hide your emotions with me?”

  “No, sir, I met a new friend, and he kind of pressured me into playing basketball. I didn’t know how to play, but I didn’t want to let my friend down, so I played.”

  “Hmmm! How did that work out for you?”

  “Well, the first two points I scored were taken away because of some ‘double-dribble’ rule, and then I got a technical foul for blocking a shot.”

  “Oh, wow! How did that make you feel?”

  That was the psychologist’s go-to-phrase. It means that they are usually surprised by your actions and don’t know to be quiet or to make a statement, so they ask a dumb-ass, open-ended question about how it made you feel. You’re the doctor, you should know how it made me feel, but I decided to play along with his semantics to see where it would lead.