As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “I felt somewhat embarrassed because I didn’t know the rules of the game,” I said. As I looked down at the floor, I thought that if I had a male role model in my life, than I would know how to play.

  “Darnell, you must understand that as you go throughout life, you will have to play by society’s rules. You can’t blame others for not engaging you in sports. You have the responsibility for your actions. If there is something that you want or something that you want to do, then you have to show motivation and put the first step forward and tell the truth. Don’t ever be deceptive. You are a great young man, and people deserve to be treated with honesty.”

  I knew what Dr. Blackmon was telling me was true. However, I was eighteen years old, still a virgin – well at least with a female – no close friends, dad tried to kill me, and no one liked me! For these reasons, I thought about ending my own life. Years ago, I tried too. I took a bottle of Tylenol, but all I did was sleep! When I talked to G-Ma about it, she said suicide is a sin and that it displeases God because He gave me life. I should enjoy it.

  “Darnell, are you with me?” Dr. Blackmon said, as he knew mentally I was drifting.

  “Yes, sir,” I said, sadly. “Doc, why is it that people don’t like me? What did I ever do to anybody? In my advance psychology course, psychologist Jean Piaget said that babies are born with a clean slate, harmless and carefree. I didn’t ask for any of the drama in my life, but I got it, and now I’m being held mentally captive by the mistreatment of others. It’s so unfair.”

  Tears rolled down my face.

  “Darnell, first, people like you, and it’s irrational for you to think differently. However, you may not have been friendly to them. In the Bible, in the Book of Proverbs, it says that ‘If a man wants many friends, he must first be friendly.’ You’re not open to meeting new people. We have to get you to an area in your life where you can accept more friendships, perhaps start to build and engage your self-esteem. As you probably already know, people are made to thrive in tribes. We have and need supportive systems, laws, encouragement, and, most of all, friends. When we isolate ourselves, we become a victim to many psychopathologies or mental illnesses. Did you know that ninety-five percent of the people who commit suicide do it alone? So, I want you to expand your tribe. However, I think you may have taken the first step. Tell me about this young man who you play basketball with. I believe you said his name is Toe?”

  Suddenly, I cheered up a little and started to smile through all my pain and fears.

  “Well, his name is Toby Arden St. James. He is eighteen years old and lives down the street from me. Get this, Doc, I didn’t find out until later, but he’s on the senior varsity basketball team and is currently being targeted by Duke, Georgetown University, and UCLA.” I bragged as if it was me being recruited.

  “That’s wonderful! It sounds like you found your first new friend!” Dr. Blackmon stated with a sense of accomplishment.

  “Yeah, oh, I guess you’re right!”

  “Continue to develop a relationship with Mr. St. James and call me if anything changes or if you need to see me. Otherwise, there is no need to continue with the bi-weekly sessions. Let’s meet again in three weeks, and we’ll see how you’re doing at that time.”

  “We’re going to three weeks now?” I questioned Dr. Blackmon. Seeking confirmation, I asked, “I must be making progress, right doc?”

  “Yes, sir! You’re progressing nicely! I am proud of you for finally doing work! You got a new friend, and I’m confident that before long, you will have a new lady friend!” he said, as we were getting up.

  “Well, a girl did give me her number at the basketball court, but Toe tore it up,” I said, laughing.

  Suddenly, Dr. Blackmon’s face changes from smiling to curiosity and then back to smiling again. “You will have to tell me more about Toe on our next visit.”

  “OK, doc,” I said as I began to get up out of my chair to shake his hand.

  As I exited his office, I thought about the accomplishments that I had made, perhaps the doctor was correct when he stated that I had made a new friend. Could Toby be the person that I had longed to be friends with? He did seem somewhat protective of me at the ball game, but what would he say if he knew that my mom and G-Ma were just feet away watching the basketball game? But in that moment, life was good, and I felt like I was on the high of my life, so here is to developing a new friendship between Toby and me.

  Chapter Eleven

  A week had passed since I’d last seen Toe. I’d been thinking a lot about Toe and developing a friendship with him. Dr. Blackmon’s point about living in a tribe struck home because I lived a lot of my life alone and afraid. I wanted to break free, but I wondered if this was the right time? Is this the right place? What happens if I call Toe, and he rejects my call or simply forgets who I am? Then there I am looking like a fool, with mud thrown on my face. What do I do, do I go ahead and try calling him? Do I go to the refrigerator, grab some alcohol, and muster up the balls to call? Do I just simply deal with the rejection? I want to do the right thing, but more rejection from another male would just be devastating.

  I wasn’t sure if I could deal with that right now. I knew I was somewhat flamboyant, and sometimes it was hard for masculine males to really accept my presence. Maybe, I could change that. Perhaps I could act macho or even change the way that I am. I was reading some psychology magazines about cognitive behavioral therapy where they could change the sexual orientation of a person. Maybe that was an option for me; perhaps that will allow me to act more masculine and be more like a guy versus a metrosexual in front of other people. I didn’t know; I was just pondering, but I really needed to look deep inside and call Toe. I felt that if I didn’t call him, I would miss out on a good friendship. Maybe an in-depth friendship with Toe was what the doctor’s orders were. Let me go ahead and call him while I’m feeling the courage and the strength to call him, I thought. No matter what, I’m going to call him now, and I’m not hanging up the phone. I dialed his number and my anxiety crescendo with each ring. After two rings, someone picked up.

  “Hello?” the lady’s voice answered.

  “Hello, may I speak with Toe, please?”

  “Yes, hold on for just one second.”

  As I held the phone, I could hear the lady yelling for Toby to come to the phone. My heart started pounding, and I began to feel faint as I was bound by anxiety and fear.

  “Hello?” Toe said in a deep baritone voice.

  “Hey, Toe, it’s Darnell from up the street,” I said, hoping that he would remember me.

  “Bro, I know who you are. What’s going on?”

  “Do you want to hang out today?”

  “Yeah, bro, we can, I ain’t tripping. I was just about to go over my girls’ house, but I can cancel that because I rather chill with you.”

  “OK, cool!”

  “I’ll be at your crib in fifteen minutes.”

  “All right, I’ll see you then.”

  Living in Louisville did not have benefits for minors. One of the laws stated that if you were in high school, you could not obtain your driver’s license until after you graduated, withdrew from school, or were on the honor roll. I guess the reason for the law was elevated drunk driving fatalities and perhaps the high school dropout rate. While I did have my driver’s license because I was an honor roll student, I didn’t feel comfortable going to the mall by myself. Plus, I was sure that mom will not allow me to drive her car to the mall after the encounter with my dad. I would have to ask mom to take us to the mall.

  I walked to the kitchen where Mom was sitting at the dinner table, peeling collard greens. “Mom, I know that this is going to sound odd and crazy, but can you take a friend and me to the mall?”

  Mom froze in place like I had said a cuss word or something and almost appeared shocked. “Darnell, what did you ask me?” she said, looking at me with her chin
pointing down and eyes directly up, staring at me in amazement.

  By her demeanor, I thought I was in trouble but had no earthly clue as to what could be wrong!

  “Can you take a friend and me to the mall?”

  Without hesitation, my mom jumped up, grabbed me, and started hugging me as if I won a prize or had just been called down to the front row on the Price is Right.

  “Darnell, you want to go to the mall with a friend?” she said, puzzled and smiling.

  “Yes, ma’am! I know it’s short notice, but I would like to get out of the house.” I said, explaining myself.

  “Darnell, I am so proud of you, of course you can go,” she happily. “I’ve waited all your teenage years to hear you say these words. Yes, yes, of course, you can go. I know you’re extremely responsible, so here are the keys to my car. Just be back before 8 p.m.”

  “Mom, you’re giving me the keys to your car? You’re not going with us?” I said in shock.

  “No, son, Dr. Blackmon and I have been talking, and I may have been an enabler for your PTSD. I have to let you go and do things on your own and stop pampering you so much.”

  “But, Mom–”

  Suddenly, there was a gentle knock at the door.

  I dashed toward the door. I slowly turned the doorknob, and Toe was standing before me, looking beautiful as ever. He was wearing a fresh pair of Jordan’s sneakers, blue jeans, and a polo T-shirt. His smile just made me melt, making all my apprehensions disappear.

  “Hey, what’s up, bro?” I asked.

  “You said you wanted to hang out, so here I am. What do you feel like doing . . . shooting some more hoops?” Toe started laughing.

  “Man, come on in and let me introduce you to my mom.”

  “Oh, OK, cool,” he said, while tensing up.

  We walk through the living room and then to the kitchen, there we saw my mother was standing at the sink rinsing off the greens.

  “Mom, this is my friend Toe, I was telling you about. Toe this is my mother, Mrs. Williams-Smith.”

  “Hi, Mrs. Williams-Smith, my name is Toby St. James, but everyone calls me Toe for short. It’s an honor and privilege to meet you ma’am.”

  “Nice to meet you, Toby, but call me Mrs. Smith. You look very familiar; there’s something very familiar about your smile.” Mom looks at him with curiosity. Suddenly, she stopped staring. “Darnell said you all are going to the mall?”

  “Well, I haven’t asked Toe yet if he wanted to go to the mall.”

  “Yes, the mall would be nice. This time of day, it’s going to be packed. So, I’m down,” Toe stated joyfully.

  “Darnell, I can go to the mall with you if you really want me to,” Mom said.

  “Mother, I think that it’s time for me to move forward. I got this.” I said, feeling confident.

  “OK, look, here are the keys to the car. Darnell, I know you’re responsible so don’t wreck it and be home from the mall by 8 p.m. Toe, I’m going to hold you personally accountable if you all are not back by 8 p.m., do you understand?” Mom said, looking at both Toe and me.

  “Yes, ma’am!” I said, as I watched Toe grin from ear-to-ear.

  I noticed that Mom was watching Toe’s grin as well. Something about Toe seems awfully familiar to her, but she ignored it and handed us the keys.

  “Mrs. Smith, maybe we can get Darnell some new clothes because his wardrobe is not up to par!” Toe said, smiling.

  “I know, tell me about it,” Mom said, chuckling.

  I didn’t know how to respond, so I looked for an exit strategy. Coming up with none, I said, “Let’s roll!”

  We walked out of the kitchen door to the car. Toe started to air fight with me, saying, “Darnell, you are the man; I am so glad that we met.”

  I was excited because this basketball star chose me to become his friend.

  “We are going to be friends forever,” Toe stated.

  “Yeah, we will be,” I said.

  Toe grabbed me and started hugging me with his muscular arms wrapped around my waist. He growled and pulled me into him. His hands moved from around my waist to around my upper back while bringing me closer to him. The hug caused me to exhale and to embrace the feeling of being appreciated. Those feelings are incredible. Toe’s heart was different and full of affection. I hugged him back, but suddenly started to feel an erection. To keep from being embarrassed, I tore away and started air fighting again, trying to divert his attention from what was happening in the lower part of my body. I was curious as to why I was getting an erection while we were hugging. I blew it off and started to enjoy the moment.

  Mom owns a brand new, black 1998 Buick Lemans. The exterior is tan in color, and the interior is black with leather seats. There are silver rims and an excellent stereo system. We jumped into the car, and I turned the ignition. The radio was playing, “Have You Ever,” by Brandy. I heard the songs a few times, but it was too slow. I attempted to put in a CD, but suddenly Toe smacked my hands.

  “Bro, that’s my jam. What are you doing?” Toe said, smiling.

  “What, that slow jam by Brandy?” I said in shock.

  “Man, the words are the bomb. And such perfect timing,” Toe said as he started to sing with the music. “Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart, but you don’t know what to say, and you don’t know where to start? Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?

  Toe was singing loud, and his voice was awful. It sounded like a combination of Barry White and El DeBarge. He was earnest, as if he meant every word of the lyrics, though. I started to think that maybe his girl, Rochelle, didn’t want to get real serious in their relationship. But that would contradict what I saw at the park. I was confused because it sounded like Toe had feelings for someone else, but who? I found his singing to be rather amusing, and I laughed hysterically. After the song went off, I played my mix CD of songs, starting with “Getting Jiggy Wit It,” by Will Smith.

  “Now that’s my jam, bro!” I said, as I mock danced in my chair. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to sing so just bopped my head to the music. I looked over at Toe, and all of a sudden, he was amazingly quiet, as if he were in deep thought and checked mentally out of our conversation. I thought to myself that maybe he doesn’t like my style of music, so I turned the volume down just a bit.

  “Yo, you got quiet on me. You’re not feeling New Edition or something?”

  “Nah bro, they cool. It’s just that Brandy’s song has a brother thinking about a lot of serious stuff.”

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “You know, bro, being a high school basketball star isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, especially when people can’t accept me for who I am. Man, you should dedicate a song for each moment of your life. Song lyrics can really pull you through some difficult and life-changing times.”

  I turned off the radio and listened attentively.

  “When I am feeling sad or spiritual,” Toe continued softly, “I listen to church music. When I’m feeling in love I look to Whitney Houston or Luther Vandross. The lyrics and songs can be powerful and bring you through tough times. Darnell, my life is pretty good, but it will be perfect if a certain person would learn to love me the way I love them or start developing feelings for me.”

  “Rochelle doesn’t know how to love you, bro?”

  “She does the best she can. But deep inside me, there’s something that is still a part of me missing. I’m not complete but living off the expectations of others.”

  Starting to feel sorry for Toe, I decided to invoke some of the psychological skills I learned from Dr. Blackmon. “Toe, you have to teach her how to love you. People take for granted that someone knows how to love them, but the person has to be taught how to love you the way that you deserve to be loved.”

  “Darnell, there is something I want to tell you,” He took a deep
breath and after a few seconds, just under his breath, said, “I’m different.”

  “We are all different,” I said. However, as I glanced in Toe’s direction, I noticed that he was starting to slide down in the car seat. I could not comprehend what Toe was telling me, because he had Rochelle, a beautiful, redbone cheerleader. Every guy in school would love to date her, including me; however, for some reason, Toe was not satisfied with her. He seemed to be in a great dilemma regarding love.

  “Toe, you’re a good dude, bro, and I’m sure whatever you want, you will get,” I said, trying to comfort him.

  “Thanks, Darnell, I wish it wasn’t so complicated, bro.”

  “Yeah, bro, I know, I know.”

  “Do you really?” Toe asked. “Bro, I can’t be myself because people will judge me. They would judge you, too, man. Life is unfair, and I just wish that I could stop hiding for once, even if it’s just for one day.” Toe looked down to the floorboard.

  I had no clue what he meant and no earthly idea as to what he was thinking. But I sensed that something deep inside Toe was causing him great turmoil and misery. How can I help my new friend? Did it have something to do with the song, “Have You Ever”, I wondered.

  * * *

  We finally made it to Jefferson Mall. This was considered the black mall, and my anxiety began to flare. This was also the place where my dad took me before he tried to kill me. He attempted to make phone calls to my mother from the phone booth, but he couldn’t reach her. I remember Dad yelling at me and telling me that I was the cause of them splitting up because she loved me more than she loved him. Pulling up to the scene of the mall brought back those memories once again. I thought that I had all of my psychological triggers under control. I felt that I had taken control of my irrational thoughts and could handle the nostalgia of being in a familiar place that caused me harm. I started to breathe slowly, and my heart started to pitter-patter as I thought about the trauma that had unfolded in my life.

  “Damn Darnell, the mall is swole,” Toe said, as I parked the car. Looking around, I realize that the mall was extremely crowded, and I started to feel anxious. The voices in my head came back and my self-talk became louder. I began to think that I should have stayed home. I should not have come to the mall without my family members. I should not have allowed Toe to impede on my better judgment. I started thinking that something terrible was going to happen. Mom is not here with me to walk me through my panic attacks. My self-talk became louder, saying, You fool, you stupid fool! Why are you at this mall? You don’t know these people. I felt the strong need to talk to Dr. Blackmon. I became extensively quiet.