As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “I don’t know honestly; I don’t know. I was going to see this thug guy from the website. He seemed cool. At first, we were talking, and then he wanted to hook up. After he had an orgasm, he started calling me a fucking faggot. I was surprised because before, he was cool. I turned my back, and he hit me over the head. I fell to the ground, and he started kicking me like I wasn’t human.”

  Jaurice started sobbing again. This time very loudly, with snot coming out of his nose. My friend was hurt and in great pain.

  “I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.”

  Full of emotion, and as if it came from nowhere, Jaurice blurted out, “He robbed me and took all of my money. Darnell, after all of the hard work, all of the nasty guys that I’ve slept with, my money is gone. It didn’t mean anything. How could I have been so stupid?”

  I tried to comfort Jaurice, but no matter what I said, nothing could comfort him. I could imagine sleeping with many guys for money, and then someone coming to steal it all from me. What a sad situation, I thought to myself.

  “Jaurice, money can be replaced. But your life cannot be! Where does this person live?”

  “I don’t know. We met in an abandoned house, Darnell. I never thought that I would get beat up and robbed.”

  “That’s the problem; people never think before they act,” I said underneath my breath. “It’s going to be alright, Jaurice.”

  “Darnell, please don’t tell anyone.”

  “No worries, this is our secret; no one will know, not even Toe.”

  “Thank you! Can you drive me to Shelbyville so I can stay with my Auntie tonight?”

  “That’s no problem. Tomorrow, I’m going to pick up my and Toe tuxedoes. I will meet you there and ensure that you will have something to wear to the prom.”

  “Darnell, I can’t to the prom looking like this,” Jaurice said in a defeated voice.

  “Bitch, pull it all together because I’m not taking no for an answer. Plus, we won’t allow your victimization to detour your plans.”

  For the first time tonight, Jaurice started to smile.

  “Jaurice, promise me – no more prostitution.”

  “Darnell, I promise I am done with that part of my life.”

  “And if you need something, you will ask your family first. If they can’t help you, then you will come to your friends. Do we have a deal?”

  “Damn!” Jaurice paused for a second and then said, “OK, deal. Now, I’m hungry, bitch take me to get something to eat cause you know I ain’t got any money.”

  We both laughed. It was late. I started the car, and we left. My friend was back, and we were going to survive his ordeal.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The next day, I thought about the situation with Jaurice last night and couldn’t fathom why his parents would kick him out of the house because he was gay or why he would sell his body to go to the prom. I prayed to God that he would be OK.

  I had a busy schedule: I had to pick up tuxes, stop by the florist, and make sure we had everything for tomorrow’s prom. The amount of excitement I was feeling was immeasurable, not because of the prom, but because Mom and Toe’s dad helped me pay for the cruise to the Caribbean. It was a seven-day cruise with ports-of-call in the Bahamas, Cancun, and Puerto Rico. We would leave six days after prom. Toe and I would fly from Louisville to Jacksonville, Florida, and take a shuttle to Carnival Cruise Lines. I figured this would be an excellent graduation gift for Toe and a way of saying thank you for helping me find myself. I decided not to tell Toe until he came to the hotel room after prom. I ordered purple balloons and put the tickets inside a giant gift-wrapped box.

  Thinking about Toe, I decided to call him to check-in. “Hey, good morning, sunshine,” I said.

  “Good morning, Boo! I miss you so much.”

  “I miss you too. I’m so sorry about last night.”

  “Bo! No need to apologize. We are both in demand right now, so I understand.”

  “Well, thanks, babe. What are your plans for today?

  “I plan to spend this and every day of my life with you,” Toe said, as I felt his smile oozing through the phone.

  “Bro! That’s a big request. Are you up to the challenge?”

  “Of course, I am!”

  “Umm, hmmm!”

  “Darnell, I need you to set aside about six or seven hours of your day for me today. Unfortunately, you have no choice in the situation.”

  “You know the prom is tomorrow? I have to make sure we’re ready. Plus, it’s raining?”

  “Yeah, I know, but the real reason that I’m going to the prom is because of you. I don’t care about the prom, but I know that it’s important to you, so I’m going to go just to make you happy. Plus, the storm is passing. I’ve checked the forecast, and it’s going to clear up soon.”

  I got out of bed and pulled back the curtains to see if the storm would pass. I looked up at the sky and noticed the clouds clearing in the distance with the sun peeking through. I felt special because my man wants to spend time with me, so why do I have to sabotage his plans?

  “Bo, trust me, I know it’s raining, but can I get that block of time?”

  “Of course. I’ve got to pick up Jaurice and then go by the florist, check-in our hotel room, and then I’ll be ready to go.”

  “Awesome. How’s Jaurice?”

  “He’s doing OK. Better than yesterday.”

  “Tell him to keep his ass off of those sex sites.”

  “How do you know about those sites?”

  “Everybody knows, plus, he posted his picture on one of them.’

  “I better not find you on any site.”

  “Babe, I’m with you. I’m very committed and faithful. Every day I practice loving you, so you will not see me on any sex site or with anyone at all.”

  “Baby, when you talk like that, you make me horny. I better run before something happens.”

  “Run through here. I’ll knock you off before you leave.”

  “As amazing as that sounds, I have to take a rain check until tomorrow night. Then you can have whatever and as much of what it is that you want.”

  “OK, finally! Are you sure you’re ready for that? I want you to take your time because your healing is important to me. We have a lifetime to make love. I want to make sure you are ready.”

  Toe was so sensitive to my needs. We had been in a relationship for months and had not engaged in any sexual activity. Toe was compassionate, understanding as well as sensitive to my emotional needs. Toe doesn’t know, but I had been pondering having sex with him for a few weeks. The last time we tried, I spazzed out, but I feel like I’m ready to go all the way. I had to overcome my trauma, so I thought I was prepared to love Toe completely and sexually. I conceded that Toe loves me and I love him. Therefore, we could make love without any missteps. I would concentrate on Toe’s love for me and my love for him. No more intrusive thought patterns. I want to give him all of me, he deserves that much, I thought to myself.

  “OK, I love you, and I will talk to you then,” I said.

  “Love you too, Bo,” Toe said as we hung up the phone.

  I called Jaurice. I told him to meet me at the Tux Shop in thirty minutes.

  * * *

  I pulled up to the store, and Jaurice was waiting by the door. He was wearing some tight fitted jeans, a black and red Mickie Mouse T-shirt, and Dihanne Carroll sunglasses. He looked adorable.

  “Good morning, Jaurice!”

  “Good morning, Darnell!”

  While hugging each other, Jaurice began to whisper in my ear, “Bitch, thank you for last night!”

  “Boy, get off me. You don’t have to thank me for being your friend. Take off those glasses and let me see how bad it is.”

  Jaurice slowly removed the oversized eyeglasses. “Ta-da!” Jaurice said as my mouth fl
ung open in amazement. There was hardly any bruising.

  “Oh my God, what happened? Where is the bruising?”

  “Bitch, it’s called Cover Girl Foundation. Ms. Cover Girl works miracles honey.”

  We both started laughing as we walked into the store. I purchased our tuxes, and of course, Jaurice had to be flashy and picked up a dark blue tux with a pink cummerbund and pink shoes. His outfit looked like a hot mess. However, Jaurice was happy, and I was pleased he was going to the prom. I called Toe and informed him that I was on my way while wondering what he had planned.

  After picking up the tuxes, I hurried home to change clothes and take a shower. I informed Mom that Toe and I were taking a trip somewhere, but I didn’t exactly know. Mom was thrilled. Certainly, Mom didn’t mind, and it seemed as if I was out more in the streets with Toe than at home. My stepdad, Lamont, loved the fact that I was getting out of the house more. That way, he could spend more time with Mom.

  I arrived at Toe’s house at 4 p.m. precisely. He came outside of the house wearing his Rita Ross red and black jogging suit, looking stunning. Instead of getting into the passenger side, he came over to the driver’s side and opened the door.

  “Bo, let me drive.”

  “Sure, but where are we going?”

  “Just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

  “Where?”

  “Bo! Just trust me.”

  Reluctantly, I said OK. Toe jumped behind the steering wheel as the radio played the Whodini’s’ “One Love.” He turned up the volume, and we were off to somewhere, exactly where I didn’t know.

  “Bo, our date night was messed up last night. I realize if I want you to myself, then I have to take you outside of the city.”

  “Again, baby, where are we going?”

  “I’m going to take you to my favorite place on Earth. Just sit back, get some rest, and we’ll be there in an hour and a half.”

  I trust Toe, so I thought I could use the R&R for a few hours. Jaurice, the prom planning, hotel, and other things had worn me out both mentally and physically. I laid my seat back and closed my eyes. We headed west on Interstate 64, as I listened to “One Love.”

  Looking up at the sky, I noticed a rainbow arcing over the car, as if it was right over my head. I begin to ponder each color in the rainbow – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. I remembered back in grade school, where I learned about an acronym called ROYGBIV. That helped me to reflect on each specific color. But this time, while staring at the rainbow, it looked a little different, as if it was trying to get my attention, especially the colors red, yellow, and violet. Suddenly a crescendo of gratitude hit my innermost being. I began to be grateful to God for all that He’d done in my life. Then I started to fantasize about the color red in the rainbow. That color signified hardship, trials, tribulations, disappointments, the victimization, and every obstacle that I have encountered in my life. Today, I told myself, is a time of reconciling and forgiving all of those who tried to hinder me, hurt me, or put obstacles in my way to keep me from progressing in life. “Red, you are out of my life because you caused me great pain and caused me to stop me from progressing when I didn’t need to! Red, you are banished from my life.”

  The color yellow signified caution. I didn’t trust anyone. To me, it didn’t matter because I’d been molested, beaten, and verbally abused and never would want to live that experience again. But instead of moving forward, I became stagnant, living in defeat, giving up my ambitions and dreams. I realized that in life, I was going to experience hurts and disappointments, but they didn’t have to define who I am or stop me from moving forward. I should be cautious but still yet persevering. I should keep moving until I had the desired outcome. It certainly was my error to be careful of everyone when they were simply trying to love me. Yet I pushed love away. “So, I send the color yellow out of my life because you have hindered me from growing and caused me to become a hermit. Most importantly, you caused me to close myself off, not be open and almost miss out on love. No more yellows in my life.”

  The violet color signified the violation of forgiveness. Forgiveness had been a big word for me. I had had a lot of madness and unresolved feelings simply because of my anger. I realized that forgiveness is for me to escape any resentment, wrongdoing, or self-pity. I knew I must draw a line in the sand and move forward with my life. I had not been able to trust with forgiveness, but starting today, I would operate in total forgiveness starting today, forgiving those who harmed me, those who caused me pain, and those who violated me or mistreated me. I forgive you and release you from my life. Today I am free to be me. I am free to love anyone I want to, and I make no apologies for it. I reclaim my life starting today. Now is the time, and I take control of it. No more looking around the corners, you’re behind my back. Today I am free.

  After looking at the rainbow colors, I realized that the only thing left was the promises of God. I knew that God said He would never destroy the Earth by water again, but today I felt like God was saying that He would not allow anything to kill me, like He’s protecting me and standing with me. “Lord, I make this vow to you today, I will not allow anything to destroy me, but I will stand tall, blocking out the negative thoughts in my head and embracing life to the fullest. Every time I see the rainbow, I will remember the promises that You made, that You would stand that I will stand and never give up again. Lord, I make this vow to You today, I said exhaling.

  Toe notice that I was reticent but looking at the sunroof at the rainbow.

  “Darnell! Are you OK?” Toe said.

  “I am the best that I’ve ever been!” I wiped away the tears from my face.

  “Give me your hand,” Toe said as he reached his hand halfway across the seat. I grabbed his hand, and he held mine tightly. Everything was going to be OK. I didn’t say a word, but I looked up toward the sky, telling God “Thank you,” as I thought today is the rebirth of me and dozed off to sleep.

  * * *

  “Bo! Wake up! We’re here.”

  I began to open my eyes. Suddenly I realized that I must have slept the entire time on the road. I slept so hard I felt a little drool in the side of my mouth.

  “Wow, this is beautiful! Where are we, in New York?”

  “We made it just in time for sunset. We are at Devou Park in Covington, Kentucky. Look down the mountain, that’s downtown Cincinnati,” Toe said very proudly.

  The scenery was the most beautiful skyline I’d ever seen. Downtown consisted of what seemed like hundreds of skyscrapers with neon lights everywhere. There was a bridge filled with cars as thousands of people entered and exited the city. The sunlight reflected off each building as I viewed the Ohio River’s crisp stillness separating the state of Kentucky from Ohio.

  “Toe, this is so beautiful.”

  “Let’s get out of the car,” Toe suggested.

  As we exited the vehicle, the wind was vaguely blowing. We walked to the front of the car and just stared down at the skyscrapers.

  “Darnell, look around,” Toe asked.

  I turned my head, and there was a sizeable, human-made beach, a play area for children and a racetrack for go-karts.

  “Bo! I promised I want to give you the world, free with your wildest dreams and anything that your heart desires.”

  My heart started to melt. I knew that the words Toe spoke were genuine. I felt several layers of my barriers fall off. Toe did love me, and understood what he was feeling. It was being demonstrated in his actions. I was in love, and there was no doubt about it. And it felt good.

  “Babe, as long as we’re together, then my world is complete. You complete me in so many ways. You are my rock, my strength, my best friend, and my lover. I think God for allowing us to meet,” I said.

  It seemed like we just exchanged wedding vows. Toe leaned over and gave me a simple kiss. People were around, and perhaps some got a glimpse of
two young men kissing, but I didn’t care. I was free on the inside. It was like Toe had the key to let me out of prison, and I was maximizing the moment.

  “Babe, let’s take off our shoes and go walking on the beach,” I said enthusiastically.

  We slipped off our shoes and socks and walked along the sandy beach’s shores, just to the edge of the water. Occasionally, a tiny wave would run up and get our feet wet. I would run away from the lake, yelling and screaming. Toe laughed so hard that he would almost cry. We decided to hold hands and not care about what anyone said or did. We were madly in love.

  By the time we walked around the lake and headed back to the car, it was dusk. Then out of nowhere, it started to downpour. I mean big drops of rain, none like I’d ever seen before. People began to run and pack up their belongings and head for shelter. Toe and I were too far from the car or shelter to run anywhere for cover. We were stuck in the rain with no place to go. We allowed the rain to just rain all over us. We got soaking wet. Toe tried to cover me, but instead I playfully pushed him into the lake. He grabbed me and pulled me in. I started to laugh. We both fell to the ground, as the rain pellets hit us in the face. Suddenly, as fast as it began, it ended. At a distance, I could hear the water running down the mountain. Once again, the birds were chirping and singing their songs. The fresh aroma of a clear, clean rain was in our midst. Toe and I got up and started walking on the beach again, soaking wet. Our shoes made a squish- squish sound with every step. It didn’t matter. I was young and in love and was amazingly happy.

  “Look, babe!” Toe said, pointing.

  I turned my head, and there it was again—another rainbow. I said to myself, God, you’re funny and with a sense of humor. However, I remembered the promises that I made Him, and I sensed that everything would be OK, and this was just confirmation that God had heard my prayers.

  By then, most of the people in the park packed up and left. Toe was looking delicious; his skin tone was smooth, pearly white teeth and naturally curly hair, and amazing smile to make you melt. I thought to myself, this is my man.