As I Am

by David B. Jai

  By the time I finished showering, it was 12:15 pm, and Toe still wasn’t there. Maybe Toe and his friends were riding around in the limo sightseeing. I sat on the couch and called Mom, but there was no answer. Perhaps she was partying too. I listened to a few more songs on the radio then decided to lie in bed, looking at the Ohio River’s reflections coming through the patio door.

  “Damn, I wish this patio door would open,” I said aloud.

  I wanted to go on the balcony and experience the night breeze, maybe holler at Toe when he got out of the limousine, but again the door won’t open. I decided to lay in my bed without the radio, TV, or anything. The front door was locked, and the chain was engaged as I wanted to greet Toe at the door, holding the box of tickets.

  I heard a loud noise outside; it sounded like an auto accident. I opened my eyes, and there was my baby lying beside me, staring me in the eyes with that beautiful smile.

  “Bo, wow! I love you so much.”

  “Oh, baby! I love you back. But hold on real quick.” I had the urge to go pee. I guess the vodka was running through my system. “I’ll be right back, and then I got a surprise for you.” I gave Toe a kiss on his forehead.

  Toe was amazingly calm, saying, “That’s fine, Bo! Remember, I love you now and always!”

  I said to myself, “That’s odd, considering he just came from the prom and should have been hyped instead of being nonchalant.”

  I went into the bathroom to relieve myself, and I noticed that the chain was still on the door. How did Toe get in?

  “Babe, how did you get in with the chain being on the door?”

  There was no response; there was silence. I went back to the room where Toe was, and he wasn’t there. He was gone. I thought he was hiding from me, and I looked under the bed, but he wasn’t there.

  “That’s odd,” I said to myself. Maybe I had too much vodka. I looked at the clock on the wall, and it was now 1:10 a.m., and it wasn’t like Toe to be this late. It’s prom, so I crawled back into bed thinking about how real my dream was.

  I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned as I thought about where Toe could be. Being extremely bored, I turned on the TV and noticed the breaking news and the police were everywhere. I thought to myself, something is always happening in Louisville at night.

  I continued to watch to see what was going on. Jackée Vaughn came on again saying, “We’ve just learned that an unknown gunman killed at least nine people at a local prom, and more than twenty are wounded.”

  “What the fuck did this bitch say? Did she say a prom?” I said, sitting up in my bed.

  Jackée Vaughn continued, “About an hour ago a gunman entered the Brown Hotel, where Rita Ross was having their Senior Prom, and started shooting. We know of nine confirmed casualties, and over twenty students were injured.”

  The cameraman scanned the parking lot and showed the ambulances, police cars, and the parents trying to get to their children. Jackée grabbed a student passing by, asking, “What did you see?”

  “We were all dancing and having fun, and then someone just started shooting. We saw the flashes from the gun, and we started running toward the back. But the gunman kept shooting.” The young woman said in tears.

  “Do you know if anyone was targeted or if this was random?”

  “No, I don’t, but most the basketball team was shot because the gunman started shooting around their table where they were.”

  I watched the complete agony. I began bawling. No, no, no, Toe can’t be gone! Maybe they missed him. Perhaps he’s just hurt. I needed to get down there to see him. I called Mrs. St. James to see if she’s heard anything.

  I picked up the phone and frantically dialed Toe’s telephone number.

  Time seemed frozen, as if each button I pressed took about a year to get to the next one. Shaking and hysterical, I dialed the number. The phone started ringing, and I heard Scott’s voice. He sounded like he was upset.

  “Scott, where is Toe?” There was a long pause! ”Damn-it Scott, where is Toe?” I yelled.

  Scott began to cry out loud and said, “Darnell, Toe was killed tonight at the prom.”

  I started screaming at the top of my voice, “No, please, God, please, No, no, no!” I yanked the cord from the wall in through the phone to the other room in a full rage. “He can’t leave me. No, God, please, no, don’t let this be!” I ran to the living room and knocked over the lamps on the floor. “You can’t be gone. Toe, please, please don’t leave! You promised that we would be together forever. You promised that you would take care of me!”

  The thought of life without Toe was just too traumatic for me. And if there was no Toe, then I determined then there would be no me. I ran to the balcony door to try to open the window, but it wouldn’t open. I grabbed one of the chairs, picked it up, and hurled it toward the patio doors, trying to break the glass, but the glass wouldn’t break. I wanted to die. I ran to look for pills, but I couldn’t find any. I ran through the hotel room, feeling trapped. Suddenly the news station came back on with more breaking news.

  “Viewers, please brace yourself for the following news,” Jackée said with a shaky voice and tears running down her face. “We have just learned that Toby St. James, the senior basketball star at Rita Ross High School, was killed in tonight’s shooting.”

  I grabbed the TV and threw it into the other room.

  “You motherfucker! You left me! I loved you! I let you have my heart. You told me that you wouldn’t leave me, and now I’m by myself. Fuck you, Toe!” I yelled as I was crying uncontrollably. “No, you ain’t leaving me. I’m coming to see your ass tonight! Why, babe, why? Was I’m not good enough for you? Why did you leave me?”

  I grabbed my car keys and headed for the door. I flung it open, and people were in the hallways listening and staring.

  “What the fuck is y’all looking at? And fuck you too, Sigmond Freud, with all of your irrelevant psychological theories bullshit.”

  I was cursing all the way down the hallways and as I waited for the elevator. I started kicking the walls and beating them with my hands.

  As the elevator arrived, I got in, still cussing and kicking on my way down to the front lobby. I’m sure everyone in the hotel could hear me going off. The elevator doors opened on the main floor, and I yelled even more.

  “I’m going to show this motherfucker that you can’t leave me. You want to fuck up my life, son? No, sir, I’m done.”

  I made a mad dash to the front door of the lobby. Security was mumbling something, but I kept walking toward the exit of the hotel.

  “Darnell!” mom yelled.

  I wasn’t sure if I heard my name, so I kept going.

  “Darnell, you better not take your black ass out that door,” Mom said.

  I turned around and ran to her. The front desk person would not tell her what room I was in due to security purposes. Falling into her arms, I cried, “Mom, he’s gone! He left me. How could he do this to me, Mom? He loves me, right? Why is he hurting me like this?”

  “I know, baby, I know,” Mom said as she was trying to control herself. “Darnell, let me take you home.”

  “Mom, take me to see Toe! I know that when he sees and hears me crying, he will wake up, just like he did in the hospital! Please, Mom, please?”

  “It’s a crime scene down there, plus I’m sure they’ve taken him away.”

  “Oh, no!” I began to cry uncontrollably again! “Mom, I don’t want to live. I don’t have any more strength. I can’t do this. It’s over.”

  “Son, let’s go home.”

  Mom took me to her car, and I passed out from exhaustion. Mom led me into bed. I got under the covers, and I dozed off.

  * * *

  I woke up and started screaming, “No-no-no. It’s not true.”

  Mom came running into my bedroom.

  “Mom, I want Toe, will yo
u please call Toe and tell him to come over, please, right now.”

  Mom didn’t know anything else to say but to tell me the truth. “Son, he’s gone now.”

  “Why was I born? Why is God punishing me?” I asked, trying to make sense of everything. I thought about Rochelle and how she must be feeling. I dragged her to the prom, and now Toe is gone.

  Wait, maybe Rochelle was gone too.

  “Mom, was Toe the only one or are there others?”

  “Darnell, you need to get some rest, and we’ll talk about it later.”

  “Mom, no, please, please tell me now, please, Mom!”

  “I’m sorry, but Rochelle died too. Jaurice is in critical condition at Kosair’s Children’s Hospital.”

  I wailed like I’d never wailed before. I felt incomplete and heartbroken. My voice was gone from crying and yelling before I didn’t know anything else to do. I was all cried out.

  “It’s my fault. Toe, Rochelle, and Jaurice didn’t even want to go to the prom. I forced them. I should be dead!”

  I looked over at Robbie, who was crying and biting his bottom lip, just like he did when Dad had beat me, but this time I knew exactly what it meant.

  “Robbie, come here.”

  We all hugged as a family. I was devastated by my lover’s loss, my life, and my friend. This pain will not pass, and I cannot live without Toe.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Over the next few days, all I did was take anxiety and sleeping pills. I got up occasionally to use the bathroom, barely ate a few bites, and then went back to bed without bathing. I had a given up on life. Life was so sad and disappointing that I did not want to live anymore. I couldn’t muster the strength to go on. How could I? Toe was gone, and honestly, I didn’t have anything or anyone to live for.

  Mom said Toe’s funeral was scheduled two days away, which would have been the day before our cruise. I did not cancel the tickets but found them to be rather useful. I made up my mind that I would muster enough strength to attend Toe service and leave the next day for the cruise. I called G-Ma and told her how much I loved her and asked her if we could do a movie night. Of course, she said she would like that. I spent as much time as possible with Mom and told her that I wanted to see my dad before leaving town. After all, this was a promise that I’d made to Toe. Also, I wanted to stop by the hospital to check on Jaurice. I developed the motto, “Lights, camera, action, you’re on.” My feelings didn’t matter, and actually, I didn’t trust them anymore.

  Finally, I got out of bed and spent time with Mom and Robbie. I plotted out a course of action that would lead me to the cruise ship. No deviations, but I had to stay focused and continue on the charted path.

  It was set. After Toe’s funeral, I was going to go to Kentucky State Penitentiary to visit my dad.

  However, inwardly, I had totally numb feelings. Hell, at this point, fuck feelings. Mom noticed my disposition changing and thought I was rebounding too fast. Nonetheless, I kept my mind focused that I was going to see Toe in a couple days.

  * * *

  The day of the funeral arrived. Mom said she would go with me. I got dressed and threw on a black suit with a black tie and a black shirt. I wore a pair of dark sunglasses to cover my eyes.

  I gave myself a pep talk. “All right, Darnell, you’ve got to be strong and get through the day.”

  I felt like I didn’t have any strength at all. My very core had been rocked, and my reason for existence had been snatched from me. I was just a shell going through the emotions.

  The services would be held at Genesis United Methodist Church, a prominent black church in the city. The sanctuary was enormous and typically sat 3,000 people. As we drove up, it seemed like Louisville’s entire city was present along with the media. I wanted to tell the press to go fuck-off because they wouldn’t let Toe and me have a healthy relationship. We got out the car, and friends came up to try to hug me, but I just simply was not engaged.

  As Mom and I was walking up to the double doors, I could hear the choir singing, “Going Up Yonder” by Walter Hawkins. I opened the front door. I looked down the hall and saw a casket in the middle of the sanctuary. Hanging above the casket was Toe’s #47 jersey.

  I started to get jittery and felt like I would pass out because I knew who was lying inside the casket.

  No longer a story in the news, but Toe’s death was coming to be a reality, and soon it would hit me like a ton of bricks.

  “Mom, hold me. I can’t afford to grieve in public.”

  Then suddenly, without expectation, I lost it. All the emotions I’d suppressed came roaring up within me all at once. I couldn’t believe it that I was feet away from my baby. Just a few days ago, we were hugging each other looking forward to seeing each other in the hotel room, laughing, joking, smiling, and having the time of our lives. Today, I got to observe him lying in a casket and me saying goodbye. Life was not fair. I was hurt to my core, and I didn’t know what to do. The ushers from the church ran to where I was and tried to comfort me, but I lost my composure. I couldn’t fathom that Toe was really dead. I began walking toward the casket, sobbing and crying. People began to turn around to look at all the commotion, but I didn’t give a damn.

  Shockingly, as we walked to view Toe’s body, Mom started to pull away from me. She was not comforting me. I looked up at her, and she made a loud scream that filled up the entire sanctuary.

  While holding her stomach and bending over, she began to scream and wail loudly. During my crisis, I forgot that mom had been affected by Toe’s death as well. She loved him and often called him her famous son. We grabbed each other and held on for dear life as if we were hugging for the last time. After a short period, Mom said, “Come on, son, let’s go say goodbye to our Toe.”

  As I made it to the casket, he was laid out in a black suit, with the number 47 jersey draped above the coffin. Toe’s complexion was flawless. It seemed like he was sleeping. Indeed, I could just talk to him, and once he heard my voice, he’d wake up.

  “Why did you leave me, Toe?” I whispered as I leaned over, talking into his ear. “You never had a chance at life. We were just getting started. It’s so unfair. Please get up and come back to me.”

  There was no response.

  “Get up, Toe! Get up, baby!” I yelled while crying and bent over the casket.

  I went to touch him, but the funeral directors stopped me.

  “Why, God! Why?” I wailed.

  “Come on, Darnell, let’s go sit down.” Mom said.

  I tried to pull myself together but couldn’t. How in the fuck do you pull yourself together when everything you love is dead in a casket before you?

  After a few minutes, I began to calm down. We took a seat on the front row with the family. The pastor delivered a beautiful eulogy. I was fine until they took down Toe’s hanging jersey and laid it on top of him. People cried in the background.

  Then they closed the casket for the final time. I knew that Toe’s death was final when I heard the door on the casket make a click-click sound. I knew that I would not see Toe again on this Earth.

  The choir began to sing, “Pass Me Not Oh Gentle Savior,” and the family stood up, preparing to leave the sanctuary. Toe’s casket lead first, followed by Mr. and Mrs. St. James, Scott, then mom and me. During the processional, Mr. St. James grabbed me by the neck and started hugging me. I took my face and buried it into the side of his suit, just bawling and crying. Mom, who was beside me, began to rub my back.

  “Candace Williams, is that you?” Mr. St. James asked as if he had seen a ghost.

  “Oh my God, John! It has been too many years.”

  Toe’s Mom heard the talking and turned around.

  “Candace?” She said, looking puzzled.

  “Ruth, It has been too many years.”

  The processional stopped, and they greeted each other.

 
“Candace, Darnell is your son, right?” Mr. St. James said with a lot of curiosity on his face.

  “Yes!” she said proudly.

  “Did you know that his birthday and Toe’s birthday are a few days apart?”

  “No, I didn’t know that,” mom said, as she was trying to figure out why Mr. St. James would bring up this topic during his son’s funeral.

  Suddenly, it was as if a light came on in Mom’s brain. She had the same look that Mr. St. James had when I told him who my parents were.

  “Candace, can I get your number and I will give you a call tonight? We need to make sure out boy is OK,” Mr. St. James said.

  Mom still had that puzzled look on her face as we walked to the car. Once outside, people tried to comfort me, but I just didn’t want to be comforted. I decided not to go to the graveside burial; instead, I wanted to go to prison and see my dad. The drive was only about forty-five minutes outside of Louisville.

  Once we got into the car, Mom said, “Darnell, you don’t have to do this.”

  “Mom, I love you, and you’ve always been protective of me and wanting the best for me. I have to do this for Toe. I made a promise to him that I would.”

  “OK, it’s your decision.”

  “Mom, I appreciate you for all that you’ve done for me. Never, ever forget that.”

  “Son, I know that you’re appreciative of me. Heck, you tell me that all the time. From your tone, it sounds like you are saying goodbye to me.”

  “No ma’am, you just don’t know how precious life really is until you lose the one that you love the most.”

  * * *

  We pulled up to Kentucky State Reformatory building. The prison looked like an old haunted house. It had a tall steeple that looked like something off “The Addams Family.” There were barbed wire fences all around and a guard standing up in the prison towers. As I got out of the car, I noticed one of the guards carrying an AK-47 in his hand.

  “Darnell, can I go with you?” Mom asked.

  “No, ma’am. I’ve got to do this on my own. This is going to be a quick visit so just keep the car running.”