Luna the Lone Wolf

by Forest Wells

  “Just remember your own place,” Rajor said. “I won’t hesitate to enforce your sentence should you violate my territory.”

  I ruffed and left. Let him make his threats. The scars I gave him will keep him honest. Besides, I was just beginning to get my body under control. The last thing I wanted was to start shaking again.

  “Luna wolf still sharp in fang, Luna mate will—”

  “SHUT UP!”

  My voice echoed in the trees and made Rajor positively vanish toward home. I didn’t care about him. Every ounce of pain-fueled fury was directed at the bird sitting on a branch overhead. It shook me so hard, I could hardly breathe. That knot in my chest was so hot, it’s a wonder I didn’t burst into flames. I didn’t even feel my wounds screaming in protest at being pulled on.

  “By Wolfor’s fangs, shut up,” I said. “You don’t get it do you? ‘Luna mate’ is dead! She was taken by the humans and she won’t be coming back. She’ll never be coming back. For all I know, they killed her while she was still trapped in that stone... cave... den... I don’t know what it was. Either way, she’s gone, and I’d rather you not sing of her ever again... It hurts too much.”

  “Stone cave, smooth and holed? Luna mate may not—”

  I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know if I could do it again if I tried.

  My legs launched me at the mockingbird. I summoned everything, every ounce of pain and fury, to jump up. I wanted him gone, maybe even wanted him dead. However it came, I wanted him silent.

  The bird was so caught off guard by the jump, his flight was delayed. That delay allowed me to get close. Closer than I’d ever been. When the bird took to the air, I clamped down hard. While my main fangs missed, when my paws hit dirt once more, my front teeth held two of the mockingbird’s tail feathers. Had he not taken flight when he did, I may well have been able to catch him outright.

  I let the feathers drift to the ground as the bird chose a higher branch to rasp at me from. I ignored him, for I could do nothing else. My paws took me away toward my den, while my ears refused to listen to the bird as he sang at me. Chirps, rasps, long songs, my ears blocked him out all the way to my den. Yet before I could get inside, one sentence cut through.

  “Luna wolf, I save you soon. Stay alive till next full moon.”

  I heard him flutter off as I slipped into my den. Estrella was still there, but she’d been there, and would probably be there forever. Really, I thought I should leave, except I couldn’t. It was all I had left. The only reminder of what she meant to me, and why I couldn’t simply fade like I wanted to.

  I rubbed against the wall where her claw still lay, trying to remember the warmth that was there. It hurt, but it had hurt, as it likely would forever. All I had of her were damaged fragments of the life I had.

  My stomach gave another rumble, which didn’t make sense. I’d eaten well enough. There shouldn’t be any reason for its protest. Best I could figure, somehow tasting blood had stirred it. It didn’t matter, really. Whatever the reason, I was once again prevented from being alone with my pain because I had to care for myself. Even though my wounds made using the tunnel painful, my body, my promise, forced me out to hunt.

  Except I didn’t need to hunt, because Rajor had done that for me. I returned to his kill, now mine to claim. I chewed into it, further bloodied my muzzle, ate until my stomach refused to take anymore, but I never tasted it. It was a welcome change to the routine, nothing more. No joy, no victory, though the pain seemed to go numb as I ate. Either that, or maybe it had been so constant I had grown used to it.

  Not that I really asked why. For the first time, the pain was less, which alone felt pretty good at the moment. Even so, I served my body by eating, then left it at that. I only hesitated when I noticed the broken feathers I’d pulled from the mockingbird. They were stuck in the ground, edges fluttering in the breeze. Two parts, that most likely meant an end. I’d never see Estrella again, that I’d come to accept. Now, perhaps, I’d be rid of the bird too.

  Calm struck out of nowhere. I cringed, not from pain, but something closer to joy. Peace. I’d finally be getting peace, solitude. No more chirping or singing from the top of the den, no more reminders. I would finally get to sleep and hunt in peace. I’d finally be allowed to spend my life alone, as I was supposed to, with only my pain, my void, and my empty den as comfort.

  I can live with that.

  Chapter 11

  DESPITE SPRING “ARRIVING” over two moons ago, it seemed like the forest had gotten stuck in mid-thaw. Patches of snow refused to melt, and trees continued to appear halfway between regrowth and shedding. A day of fresh snowfall only seemed to reinforce the standard. A crazy part of me wondered if it too was mourning Estrella’s loss, while another part suggested it was nothing more than the seasons tormenting me.

  Well, let the forest do what it will. It’s still feeding me, so I guess I can’t complain.

  Things were certainly quieter without the bird. I still expected to see him on top of the rocks every morning, but he was never there. The feathers I’d pulled were gone too. With the kill I’d taken from Rajor picked clean by other birds, I had little left to take me back.

  I also had little left to get in the way. Without the bird and other reminders, I had formed new hunting trails that reflected my change of choices. Estrella was still there, but she didn’t get in the way anymore, for she’d never hunted there. I had no memories, save for those that lingered no matter where I went. I couldn’t do anything about those, but at least now they didn’t come up to bite nearly as often.

  I also started spending less time in my den for much the same reason. The warmth had faded, the claw was gone, and though Estrella was there, that was the problem. I didn’t want to be around her anymore. The only reason I went near it was because my caching spot remained too safe to abandon. Plus, like any wolf, I still had a need for a central place to call “home.”

  But I wasn’t home tonight. A full moon glistened off the water, as well as my fur, as I lay by the river shortly after sunset, staring at my reflection. My hackles, the silver sheen Martol had spoken of, were glowing in the moonlight, absorbing it as if it might feed me. I didn’t really think it would, but just as it always had, the glow calmed me.

  I lost myself in the smooth blue light reflecting off of the river. I had begun to do so regularly during the brighter nights, for she wasn’t there at all. Neither was Rajor, or Carlin, or Toltan, or Martol, or even Wolfor. There was just the glow, and me. The pain still throbbed, but I was too far away to feel it. The void felt somehow tolerable, or perhaps it too couldn’t find me wherever the glow had taken me. Only here, with my sheen glowing, did I ever find peace. For this short time, I was able to shed the pain, let my wounds heal, and perhaps with enough time, find some measure of joy in a world full of torments.

  While the pain wasn’t able to find me, a chorus of howls did. My ears pulled my head up toward them as they echoed in the distance. They were far away, and few in number, but they were making their presence known all the same. Because I’d been lost in myself, I wasn’t certain what the call was at first. Were they invaders, challengers, or simply passing through? Then they howled again, and the pain came rushing back.

  Pups.

  Only Rajor could stumble on a way to hurt me from a distance. These were not the howls of defense, or hunting. No, they were celebrating the birth of new life upon which to build the future of the pack. For the briefest of seconds, my mind wondered what it would be like to have that howl be for my litter.

  That was all she needed.

  Estrella would have been a strong mother, I had no doubt of that. I was also certain we’d be giving that howl ourselves by now if she were still here. Try as I might, I still couldn’t convince myself I didn’t want to know that feeling. To touch noses with my young like Toltan had for me. I wanted to share that tender moment with my pack, and my mate. To build my own future.

  I never would, of course. She, and my pack, were dead.
My fault? I had stopped asking. It didn’t matter anymore. My fault or not, it wouldn’t change the fact that I missed her. In many ways, I still needed her. She was never there, never would be again, even as she followed me everywhere I went.

  A voice sounded behind me, shattering my thoughts.

  “Wow. Martol wasn’t wrong—”

  I snapped around in a full snarl, tail raised high with every hair on my back doing the same. My fangs showed the intruder what they’d be facing for their infraction, then were covered when the wolf shrank like a turtle diving into its shell. She immediately whimpered surrender, to which I responded by lowering my growl. My anger faded to nothing beyond a glare when I recognized her, despite the many years since I’d last seen her. It was the larger-than-normal black tail tip that did it, though my little sister had become a largely white wolf, with gray thinly mixed in on her head, neck, and back.

  “Jinta?” I said. “What are you doing here?” Her ears were slow to rise, though nothing else about her did, as she looked at me with the softest of whimpers. She was asking permission. The memory of the last time I saw her do that silenced the last of my anger. “You can get up, little sister. I won’t hurt you.”

  Jinta rose so slowly, it’s as if she were growing instead of standing up. Her head took even longer. I relaxed as much as I could, but said nothing, for I knew any attempt would come out stern, which would send her to the ground again.

  After what felt like a day, Jinta’s tail finally came out from between her legs. She stood tall, proud on her legs, no sign of fear in them, though her ears never quite came all the way forward.

  “It’s good to see you, Luna,” she said. “You’ve grown as strong as I’ve heard.”

  “Thank you.” I said the words, but there was nothing behind them. They were as blank as I felt, so much so that I wasn’t even annoyed that she hadn’t answered my question.

  Jinta's ears shifted back and forth, as if searching for a sound that wasn’t there.

  “Where’s Estrella? Is she hun—”

  “Dead.”

  The sharp word perked her ears for the first time, while my glare regained some ire at having to even think about it. Were I alone, some memory of Estrella probably would have returned to torment me again. Having someone to focus on somehow kept her at bay for the first time.

  Jinta’s ears fell in a cringe I knew all too well. “Luna, I’m sorry. I know what that must feel like.”

  My growl made a comeback. “No, you don’t. Now I ask again, what are you doing here?”

  Jinta cringed again, and her tail started tucking. “I need you. You’re the only one who can match Rajor’s ability as alpha.” I huffed. Great, another idealistic female. Not this time. I turned and walked away without a word. “Luna! Didn’t you hear me?”

  I kept walking. “Rajor is your problem, not mine.”

  Jinta stayed just behind me, keeping up without breaking my authority. “You care more than that, Luna. Folar wouldn’t be alive if you didn’t.”

  I stopped, then huffed and huffed until it turned into an odd, panted laugh. Guess he really did catch her eye. “Folar? All I did was point him toward his only chance to survive.”

  “You’re being modest or blind. You brought him to us, at great personal risk, I might add.”

  “Toltan wouldn’t have hurt me. He did enough of...”

  The pain hit harder than it had before. I whined as if I’d been bitten, feeling a sting as if Wolfor himself were biting into my heart. All I could see was Toltan’s body. All I could feel was his nose, ice cold, nothing like I remembered. I had forgiven him. I had! Yet there it was, another snide comment about his part in what Rajor had done. If only she were here. I could lose myself in her and let the pain pass. Of course, her absence was why it hurt so much.

  When Jinta rubbed her head against mine, I snapped away and snarled as if she’d bitten me. For all I felt, she might as well have. She too recoiled, but only long enough to see I wasn’t going to attack her. From there she stared at me, not saying a word, her ears up and alert. Then her eyes, soft as a morning breeze, deep as the sky, and holding as much plea as they did courage, found mine. Not a hair was raised in defense or challenge, nor was her tail tucked in fear. She stood as a pillar of a wolf. A fine hunter, in desperate need.

  My ears fell. This was worse than her asking permission. She reminded me of her. Estrella. A calm beauty that held a fire many would miss. Only this time, she needed me, and that wasn’t possible anymore.

  “I can’t help you,” I said, somehow avoiding more whines. “Not without her.”

  Jinta, for the first time I could remember, did not back down. “You have to. We’ve lost Rajor.”

  My ears shot straight up as shock swallowed my pain whole. I can’t be that lucky. “You what? I didn’t wound him that badly.”

  “Luna, he’s not dead.” Drat. “But he’s... he’s not the same. He’s lost his nerve. I worry what will happen when he loses the pack.”

  “Penance. That’s what.”

  I moved on, making it all the way to my den without hearing a word she said. I was too busy thinking about Rajor. I wonder what would happen to him if he did lose the pack. Would he become beta? Pup-sitter—no, that’s Lonate’s job. Omega? Now that would be fitting. Would serve him right if he were run out himself. Then he’d have to fight me for territory. Maybe I’d insult him further by making him my omega. Wouldn’t he love that? I laid beside my rock pile, almost tasting the fun I’d have with him.

  Jinta, meanwhile, had not given up.

  “Luna! You can’t sit here and pretend you don’t care.”

  I finally acknowledged her with a sarcastic turn of my head. “Can’t I? That’s not my pack anymore. Besides, Rajor can’t be that bad if he’s had pups.”

  “Those aren’t his pups.”

  My ears perked in shock once more. I know what I heard. Rajor’s was among the voices howling to celebrate the new litter. More to the point, it was his voice starting the call, as was the alpha’s place. If they weren’t his pups, whose were they?

  “I don’t understand,” I said. “I thought you said he was still alpha.”

  Jinta sighed, growled frustration, then slowly laid down near me. Each step was a request for permission, which I never denied. I never did anything except watch and admire. Jinta wasn’t as big as Estrella, but she had a similar smoothness to her. Yet even now, I could tell she had a softer, gentler side about her. Best suited to a loving mother... or sister.

  I didn’t say anything, of course. Voicing such feelings would send me after Estrella again. For the first time since she died, I was able to think of her without being bitten inside. I didn’t dare mess with that now, and yes, I wanted to know what was going on with my old pack.

  Once comfortable, Jinta spoke as softly as she moved. “Rajor is still alpha, but he never stopped Solas and Carfen from bearing pups. Every litter the pack has borne has been theirs.”

  “Non-alpha pups aren’t unheard of.” I said it, but even I knew how feeble that excuse was.

  “Only in times of great game, as it was when you and I were pups. That’s not now. Rajor has no mate of his own, but his pack has pups that aren’t his, and yet he’s still alpha. You know that can’t last. That’s not the worst of it. Rajor... he’s not the same since the winter.”

  My head turned in honest curiosity. “What do you mean? Did something happen?”

  Jinta again cringed in pain. “He lost half the pack, Luna. Kills just couldn’t be found. With each death, he became more and more subdued. Then we lost the litter. Every pup from last spring died. Seeing so many of his members starve... it hurt him like I didn’t think he could hurt. He’s lost all the fire, all the nerve he used to have.”

  “This is a bad thing?”

  Jinta growled at me, looked ready to bite me, really. I huffed it off, though my ears fell a touch in retreat. Mostly because I knew I deserved that bite and then some. After all, I’d lost just as much, if n
ot more. I knew what Rajor had to be feeling. Then again, perhaps that’s why I snipped at it. To acknowledge Rajor’s pain would mean remembering my own. I had finally started to forget it. I didn’t want to bring it back now.

  Jinta looked ready to continue, but new howls sounded in the distance. Rajor’s pack again, but different. This one was the long, deep howl of mourning. More interesting was how Jinta reacted. I saw her body relax, though it was more like it dropped than released tension. I knew that look all too well. Something about the howls distressed her, so much so her ears fell in equal pain.

  Then Jinta glared at me with a perfect recreation of Toltan’s death stance. It, and his memory, forced me to drop my ears in submission, if only a little.

  “Do you know who they’re mourning?” she said. “They’re mourning the pups. The pups Rajor couldn’t provide for. The lack of game in this forest meant a weak litter, and a weak mother to care for them. The first two came out dead. I left after I heard only two of the seven survived. I’m guessing they lost more.”

  I don’t know where it came from, but a hot anger lit within me. It burned deep in my chest, though I didn’t know at what, nor could I find a cause. It was just there, fueled further by my disgust for it. On its tail came a wave of shame that flattened my ears. I knew the pain of loss, very recent loss at that. If Estrella were there, she would have said the same, after she bit me. She would have reminded me how hard it was when I lost my pack. To ignore Rajor’s pain would mean ignoring my own, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do either. I had to be the wolf Estrella expected me to be. Except it wasn’t that easy. There was a lot of pain to push past, and the anger from nowhere didn’t help things.

  Jinta’s glare hadn’t weakened, though her ears had started to nervously shift, which only made it that much harder for me to find some mental clarity. She was out here, looking for help, or... wait... what is she after? Jinta had never really explained her goal, and it proved to be a good thing, for it gave me what I needed to push the anger back. True, it left the shame and the pain, but I’d gotten used to both lately.