Luna the Lone Wolf

by Forest Wells

  “So, what do you want me to do?” I said. “I can’t go back. I’m still a lone wolf.”

  The calm, gentle sister I knew instantly replaced the glare. “I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to let me join you. Rajor’s pack will implode if he doesn’t snap out of it.”

  “He may still. He has a lot of pride.”

  “Perhaps. But I’d still rather run with a brother I can trust and parents that I love.”

  My ears fell in the hardest cringe yet. She didn’t know. No, of course not. With her pack in such turmoil, how could she? She’d only asked about Estrella. I wondered if perhaps that’s what I was angry about.

  Jinta was here, looking to run from the turmoil in her pack, not knowing the turmoil I had in mine. She didn’t know what had happened, and she needed to. She wouldn’t understand if she didn’t. I cringed again as I remembered the day I lost them all. It was the only way I could bring myself to tell her, not that it made it hurt any less.

  Nor did it keep my voice from shaking. “It’s not possible, little sister. You can’t run with them.”

  Her glare returned, and it hurt worse than the memory. “And why not? Are you so proud you can’t let—”

  “They’re dead.” Shock took over as Jinta’s breathing deepened. Tell me this stops hurting. “So is Carlin, the old wolf I’m sure you heard about. They’re all dead. The hunting... I couldn’t save them. It’s just me now, and I can’t help you.”

  I stood and started to leave, only to stop when I heard her whine. A soft, pain-filled whine, just like the one I’d given myself that day. Hearing it from my little sister made it cut as deep as the loss did. It also took me back to our puppy days, when a game was ruined because her pain had been real. Just as it was now. Yet I still couldn’t help her. I could barely help myself. She deserved more, but she’d never find it with me.

  That said, I did turn around to face her. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I never got the chance. Jinta was looking at me, her eyes trying to tell her it wasn’t true. I could see all the pain I’d felt in her eyes, making my own wounds hurt that much more.

  After breaking in two a thousand times over, all I could offer was a very soft, “I’m sorry.”

  Jinta took deep breath after deep breath, at times swallowing as if she might swallow the pain. It doesn’t work, I thought, for I’d tried to do the same many times already. Seeing her pain only refreshed my own, which froze me in place as it replaced my blood. More than ever, I needed Estrella. I needed my other half, but all I could find was the void.

  As the breaths came, Jinta gained more composure. Through my own pain, my ears managed to perk, impressed. I would have said she’d be too soft to fight through all that, but she did. Her ears rose, her fur lay flat, even her eyes grew brighter by the second. It wasn’t long at all before she stood without any hesitation. She faced me full on, a rock I’d never seen her be.

  “If you can’t help me,” she said, “then help my pack. Help me find a kill I can take back to them. There may yet be pups we can save.”

  I wanted to refuse. Spending time with her meant spending time with anyone. I’d just gotten used to an empty den. The void had become as much a part of me as my fur, but I couldn’t swallow the lie. I couldn’t convince myself their plight meant nothing to me. Had it been anyone else, it might have been different, but Jinta? My little sister? I couldn’t say no.

  “Follow.” It’s the closest I could come to yes.

  I led her along my new paths, following trail after trail that went out of reach, or straight up cold. Even areas that usually produced a reliable source of rabbits were bare. I knew this happened on occasion. Even in the best of times, there were those days where prey just couldn’t be found. Except this time, I had a desperate sister following me. Every cold trail and empty den caused my heart to sink lower. Despite my best efforts, I was letting her down.

  Odd that I cared, really. Despite the fact that I was helping Jinta, I knew what I was really doing was helping the same pack that betrayed me so long ago. And yet, I couldn’t lie to myself about this one. Jinta was right. I cared. More than just the fact that I was helping her and my other siblings by helping them, though that made it easier, it mattered that I was helping the pack survive. Now why it mattered, or anything beyond the fact that it did matter, proved impossible to find. I couldn’t even imagine what Estrella would have thought about it. Of course, failing so often might have altered that some.

  Who am I kidding? What did she always say? “Have a little faith?” She wouldn’t stop that now.

  I didn’t either. I continued on my usual trails, digging through more than one snow patch, looking for a rabbit or two still huddled for warmth. Through it all, Jinta never voiced concern. She simply followed, assisting where she could.

  That is, until I ignored a trail I might otherwise be glad to find. Deer, quite sick by the scent of the pus, yet still too big for me to take down. I had no intention of risking another tumble like the last time I’d tried, nor did I want Jinta to see me like that. So I passed on by without so much as a dream.

  This time, though, Jinta stopped.

  “I think you’re losing your touch, big brother. There’s a prime target this way.”

  “Not for me.” I didn’t give it any more thought. I’d rejected the idea, so I didn’t even feel the need to protect my pride.

  “Come on, Luna. You and I can take down one half-dead deer.”

  I stopped, sighed, and tried very hard not to be angry. She didn’t know. She didn’t see me the last time. More to the point, she didn’t understand whose place she’d be taking.

  That said, I tried and failed to come up with a reason she’d accept. Curse her. She was always softer, but rarely wrong. In some ways, it was worse than Estrella. Estrella was stubborn, even when she was wrong. Jinta didn’t have to be stubborn. Being right was enough.

  “Fine,” I sighed. Might as well get this over with. Either she’d be right, or she’d see me covered in mud like the last time.

  I checked the scent again before following the trail, not that I needed my nose. The deer had left plenty of broken twigs or knocked-off tree bark to lead the way. The scent made sure I still had the same target, not much else.

  “Luna,” Jinta said, “I know you lost a lot, but is that all there is?”

  Really? Mid-hunt, you ask about my emotions? I kept moving as if I hadn’t heard. “Don’t know what you mean.”

  “You didn’t used to be this hard, and you were more eager to hunt the prime prey than Rajor was. Why didn’t you want to chase this one?”

  Because she’s still here. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Because you’re a lone wolf? Luna, I’ve taken down prey like this alone. That’s not good enough.”

  I stopped and tried to figure out if I was fighting down anger or pain. Might well have been both. Whatever it was melded into an uncomfortable, burning mixture that made me wish for the void. It hurt less.

  “Do you want to talk or hunt?” I said, my voice shaking from one or both emotions. “I can’t do both.” The part I kept to myself was, “not without her.”

  I looked back to glare and found Jinta’s ears and tail in full submission. I hate seeing her like that. Gentle as she was, Jinta was too strong to submit so completely. It didn’t look right on her. Still, she’d made the choice, and I was glad to be without the distraction... and the reminder.

  My frustration spurred me to break into a run along the trail. Part of me thought I needed to follow the scent, but this deer had shown signs of being too disoriented to stray much. I slowed to check a log, a bush, or a scraped tree to be sure it was still the same deer, but such stops rarely lasted long.

  All the while, Jinta never said another word. Not until—

  “There it is!”

  I stopped and looked to find the deer more off his path than I expected. It was also a lot younger than I expected, little more than a foal really. It must have been injured
while playing, or simply got unlucky and caught a severe illness early on. Whatever the reason, it was still stammering along, rubbing against pretty much anything near him. Would probably be dead in a few days on his own.

  Have a little—

  “Shut up,” I muttered. I’d gotten this far without her getting in the way. I couldn’t afford to be lost in her again. I could almost hear her voice, and I buried it. She’s never coming back. It’s time I left her behind in order to hunt at will again.

  A soft whine came from Jinta. I saw her submitting again, and my stomach dropped.

  “Not you, little sister,” I said. “I... never mind. Just perk your ears up. Please.” They rose slowly, but they rose all the way, as did she. “Better. More your place. Now, swing around and make sure he doesn’t get away. I’ll make the kill.”

  Jinta ticked her ears forward, then vanished into the trees. I was surprised to find that once I lost sight of her, I lost sound too. She’d always been a fine hunter, but I never knew she could be such a ghost. If Rajor didn’t pull out of his current state, I had to wonder who besides Jinta could challenge him for control of the pack. Bet she’d revoke my sentence if she did.

  I shook my head as if to shake the thoughts away. Even if she did, it wouldn’t work. I’d lost enough wolves in my time. Better I stay alone. It would hurt a lot less.

  Another lie, and you know it.

  Perhaps, but for now, I’m okay with it.

  Certain that Jinta was in place by now, I made my move. I didn’t care if the deer heard me. My prey was too far gone to do anything about it. I simply charged in, paws moving like the wind, jaws open, panting in excitement and exertion. I had my target. I knew where to go.

  The foal’s ears turned my way, then it surprised me by finding a fair amount of footing to make a run for it. Even so, he didn’t get but a few steps before his illness slowed him down. He still had some speed though, so I went for the easy kill. I got close behind, my prey too busy running to kick. My jaws went up, caught a mouthful of flesh around the genitals, then I stopped and pulled. The flesh stayed, but the deer tumbled to the ground, too winded to cry out. Blood stained the ground, and my muzzle, as I slowed my chase. I’d already made the kill, it just hadn’t hit yet. The deer struggled to stand, but he never did. The blood loss alone, combined with his wounds or illness, claimed him in a matter of seconds.

  Jinta appeared from behind a tree just ahead of me. Had she been there all along, or simply ended up there during the chase? I was curious, but didn’t ask, for it didn’t really matter.

  “For a lone wolf, you remind me a lot of Toltan,” she said.

  I cringed at the thought, more so at his memory. I could only be so lucky.

  “You have your kill,” I said. “Take what you can carry and be on your way. Your pack needs you.”

  Jinta outright shocked me by standing firm with a glare worthy of Toltan’s death stance. Just like him, no one could doubt just how very unhappy she was. Despite my indifference, I had to wonder if I dared risk her wrath either. Is this the same wolf that was asking permission just a moment ago?

  “They’re your pack too, Luna. Calon was the last of our litter to die. The rest still live. My pack carries the same blood we both do. The same blood you do.”

  “And I have seen too much of it on the ground,” I said. “Besides, they wronged me. I owe them nothing.”

  “They’re your blood! Rajor can’t protect them.”

  “That won’t last.”

  “Even if it doesn’t, the pack deserves a strong alpha. You deserve—”

  I snapped into full snarl. That word again. I’d heard it too often by too many who weren’t there anymore. Any time I heard it now, it hurt as if I were torn apart. Sister or not, I couldn’t take hearing it again. Not from anyone.

  Especially when it forced me to use it myself.

  “I deserve what? A home? A family? I had both until Rajor took it from me. He deserves whatever happens to him.”

  “Even if that means losing more of the pack?”

  My snarl faded as her words cut deep. I couldn’t lie, not about that. Carlin once noted that I still spoke of them. Yes, it mattered. It mattered that more of my siblings might suffer or even starve. I cared about them, even after all the pain they’d caused me. But they were still led by Rajor. They stood by him instead of me, which meant I still couldn’t go back.

  No matter how much I might want to, I couldn’t go home.

  “Take your share and go,” I said. “There’s nothing more I can do for you.”

  I left without another word. She said something, but I never heard it. I left her behind like I left my former pack. I could do nothing for either of them. I could barely do anything for myself. Although I had to admit, I did owe Jinta for one thing.

  For the first time, I could think about Estrella without inner torture. I missed her, and would always miss her, yet she hadn’t gotten in the way this time, nor had she kept me from an easy kill. I’d even run with another without so much as a twitch. Had I been too busy missing her to notice when she’d stopped getting in the way?

  I wondered for a time, then shed the question like a tuft of fur. Whatever the answer, it wouldn’t change anything. I would always miss her. The void in my heart would always be there, but it would no longer stop me. I had made a promise when I lost my mate. Now for the first time, I felt like I might actually keep it.

  Chapter 12

  ESTRELLA WOULD BE PROUD.

  Wouldn’t matter that I’d caught it with an injury away from its herd. Fact is, I had taken down a full-grown buck all by myself. The first one since my hunt with Jinta. I’d missed more than a few, almost got killed by three others, but I kept the faith, and here I was, eating my fill. She’d have been proud of me for holding onto hope that long. Even prouder for making the kill. The thought stung, but after feeling it for three moons, it didn’t hurt as much as it used to.

  At least the forest had decided which season it was in. The snow had finally surrendered and melted for good shortly after Jinta left. The trees made up for lost time, bursting thick bushes of leaves all around. The songbirds were back too, singing even louder the joys of spring. A spring not quite half gone, but it’s the thought that counts.

  The mockingbird wasn’t among them. Guess almost getting killed finally drove him away. Strange, really. After wishing I could get rid of him for so long, now that I had, I found my days even emptier than before. My heart sank every morning when I looked for him on top of my den and found him still missing. For some reason, every time I thought about him, my heart was pricked by the same regret attached to the memory of chasing off Martol. As if it were another chance tossed aside.

  In the end, it didn’t matter much. I could do nothing about any of it now. Besides, being alone meant fewer reminders. Estrella was still there, but she didn’t get in the way anymore. Nor did the reminders send me cringing when they came. They still stung, but they didn’t keep me from eating my kill. Thinking about how Estrella would react even made it feel warmer. I didn’t care about my blown chances, for I could do nothing about them anyway. Save for the mockingbird, they were all dead. As for Jinta, while I may not have been as gentle as I should have been, I had a hard time seeing a lie in why I turned her away.

  When the wind changed, I found a familiar scent I cared about. Rajor was out there, with his pack. My ears perked toward the scent and found quiet growls and the soft padding of playful paws. The fact that I could hear them told me they were very close, which meant closer to my border. Surely he wouldn’t dare... wait... it’s Rajor. Of course he would.

  I left my kill to see just how much Rajor was pushing his luck. I neither hid my approach nor rushed to challenge, instead going for a simple trot to check the situation. Turns out, Rajor wasn’t pushing his luck at all. His nose was pressed against a tree I had marked just that morning. Behind him stood more of the pack, including this year’s litter, if one can call two pups a litter. Didn’t keep L
onate from standing guard between them as if any leaf could carry a threat. That wolf was born to watch pups.

  The rest watched Rajor when he froze, his ears perking and his eyes searched around. I watched and waited, curious of what he’d do. Lonate, of course, did his own searching while keeping the pups in line.

  Rajor lifted his head, tested the air, and looked out into the forest again. My ears turned back in case I’d missed something myself. Rajor ruffed, then turned to lead his pack along, walking the edge of my territory, but never crossing it.

  When he stopped to examine another marker, I couldn’t control myself anymore. The chance was too sweet to pass up. I walked toward him very proud and stern, claiming my territory. Lonate saw me first. His eyes and ears locked onto me, concerned about what I’d do, likely because of the fresh blood on my muzzle. He had no reason to fear, as I had no quarrel with any of them. I just wanted to have some fun with my brother.

  Rajor was too busy sniffing to notice Lonate’s attention. I didn’t let him get the chance.

  “You don’t need to worry,” I said. “You haven’t trespassed yet.”

  Rajor’s head and ears snapped toward me. I could see him swallow a growl like a hunk of meat he hadn’t chewed yet. His ears were straight up, but his tail refused to rise. Priceless.

  “What do you want, loner?” Rajor said.

  Pure distaste, no hint of fear, he sounded pretty good, so I let him keep the credit earned. “Just checking on my borders. You needn’t worry, Rajor. I have no quarrel with you today. Be on your way.”

  Rajor glared, and he growled, and he knew better. He turned away without saying anything more.

  I tried to leave too, but Lonate’s voice caught me before I could look away.

  “Where’s Estrella?”