Blue

by Sarah Jayne Carr

  “I’m an adult now. You don’t have to protect me anymore.” Finn studied my face. “If Mom and I don’t see eye-to-eye on my life, I really couldn’t care less. I’m here to pay my respects, not to reconcile.”

  “But you brought Scott? Here. Did you forget the momster lives in there?” I pointed to the house. “That’s like offering a blood sacrifice to an angry god. She’ll season him with her anxiety meds and eat him for breakfast with her bare hands.”

  “Safety in numbers. Remember?” He winked at me before flashing Scott a quick glance. “He’s my support as much as you are.”

  “Finn, don’t downplay this. She didn’t even tell you your own dad died, so she could protect her image. Doesn’t that piss you off? What kind of fucked up move is that?”

  “Of course, it makes me angry…”

  “She’s paying to hide you nearly five thousand miles away. You’re her kid. All of this is bullshit, and I’ve had enough.” I stormed toward the porch, glancing at the carport. My mother’s SUV was parked underneath it, which meant she was in the house. I’d hit my breaking point. “Bullshit.” I hurried up the steps, the third from the bottom groaning as usual. The screen door nearly came off its hinges as I yanked it open. “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!”

  “Blue! Don’t!” Finn trailed after me up the steps. “It’s a waste—”

  I let the door slam behind me. “Mom! Where are you?”

  Elana appeared in the doorway to the kitchen with a frown on her face. “What on earth are you screaming about now? Can’t you see I’m on an important call?” she hissed as she cupped her hand over the speaker of the corded phone stretched across the kitchen.

  She’d pushed me too far with her attitude, her condescension, and all of her actions. I marched over to where she stood, ripped the phone from her hand, and put it up to my ear. “Harold, she’s busy and will have to call you later.” With a forceful slam, I hung up the receiver, the ringer inside dinging. “There.”

  “Who the hell do you think you are?” she seethed.

  I wasn’t given the opportunity to volley an answer. Someone else did it on my behalf.

  “Hello, Mother,” Finn’s voice sounded as he walked in behind me, draping his coat over his arm. Scott wasn’t in view, which was probably for the best.

  Elana’s face blanched and she let out a slow breath through her mouth, her hands shaking. Fear filled her eyes, but it wasn’t the kind of panic where you’re scared of someone. It was the type of fear when you’re afraid of someone finding out about something. “Finn. You’re here. In Steele Falls. How…”

  I crossed my arms. “I might’ve forgotten to mention I told Finn about Tom. Figured he had the right to know since you didn’t have a big enough set of balls to do it yourself.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “You did what?”

  I walked past her on the way back to the front door. “Oh! And maybe you could work on not being such a judgmental bitch if you’re given the chance to meet Scott,” I muttered as I walked back out onto the porch.

  “Blue! Don’t you dare walk out of this house right now!” she shouted.

  “Mom, this isn’t about Blue. It’s…” Finn’s voice trailed off after the door closed.

  Scott was seated on the porch swing with his hands deep in his pockets as he stared out at the ocean.

  I sat down next to him and tucked my knees up under my chin. “Sorry if you heard any of or all of that. Not the warmest of welcomes.”

  “It’s all right.” He offered a half-smile. “No worse than what I endured back home in London with my family.”

  “Yeah, well the momster’s a special kind of crazy.”

  “That special kind of crazy, as you call it, isn’t confined to Steele Falls. Here’s some perspective.” He crossed one ankle over his knee. “When I came out at sixteen, my dad got trashed, and he beat the shit out of me in front of my mom. That stunt landed me in the hospital with a busted nose, two broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and the number of stitches was humiliating. Before he took off, he spat on my face told me I needed to figure out how to fix my ‘problem’ before I could talk to him again. And that’s what started two years of me living on the streets. What Finn’s got going on in there right now isn’t trivial, but he needs to be the one to establish boundaries with her. Your ‘momster’ doesn’t scare me.”

  “That’s rough. I’m sorry,” I replied.

  “Don’t be. I’m not. The lesson I learned was real family isn’t defined by blood. I haven’t spoken to my parents since.”

  I glanced up at the front door, wishing I’d left it open. The sounds of Finn’s voice mingled with the momster’s, and they were escalating. Even with straining, the words were still too muffled to make out. “Where are you staying?”

  “I think Finn said it’s called the Wave Inn.”

  “He’s got good taste. It has incredible views of the ocean, and—”

  “I think you have a visitor.” Scott nodded toward the driveway where Zack leaned against his truck, holding a single red rose.

  I let out a deep breath through my nose and closed my eyes.

  “Not a suitor of yours?” Scott raised an eyebrow.

  “No, he’s here for me,” I replied. “Didn’t realize how late it was already.”

  “You don’t look very happy about seeing him.”

  “Jury’s still out on this one.” I stood up.

  “Oh, one of those.” Scott laughed. “Good luck.”

  “You gonna be okay waiting here for Finn?”

  “I’ll try not to let Elana season me with too much Xanax before she devours me.” He smiled. “You go.”

  “Tell Finn I’ll be back later.”

  “Will do.”

  I scuttled down the porch steps to where Zack stood and glanced down at my sweatshirt. “Sorry. I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m not even remotely dressed for—”

  He held the flower out to me as his eyes flicked up at Scott. “Shhh. There’s no dress code for the party. Besides, you look gorgeous.”

  “Thanks.” I wrinkled my nose. “But I’m allergic to those.”

  He gave me a half-smile as he tossed it over his head, the single flower landing in the bed of his truck. “Noted for future instances of bringing you gifts. You don’t have a chocolate allergy, do you?”

  “Only when it sticks to my hips.” I laughed.

  “The box with the bow on the console is approved then,” he replied. “And Ralph hasn’t shot me yet. So, it’s turning out to be a good day. Maybe we should leave the flower as a present for him?”

  “Don’t push your luck if you want to keep both of your kneecaps,” I said.

  “So, who’s that on the porch?” he asked before closing the passenger door.

  I glanced up at Scott watching us. I felt bad for him. Listening to Finn and my mom argue couldn’t be fun. “That’s my brother’s…”

  For a brief second, I stumbled. Did I piss off my mom and call him Finn’s boyfriend this close to the election? There’d be no going back after that. Finn wasn’t keeping Scott a secret, and my loyalties aligned with my brother. “That’s my brother’s boyfriend.”

  The tension released from Zack’s shoulders. “Good.”

  The drive over to Adam’s was full of Zack telling me about every spectacular and mundane detail of his life, leaving no room for me to reply. Occasionally, I’d give a smile and a nod. It was clear he was impressed with his own laundry list of accomplishments; maybe he should’ve been dating himself. He’d been mentioned in numerous financial magazines, climbed Mount Rainier, played guitar in front of five hundred people. Blah. Blah. Blah. The list went on and on. And on. With the amount of information being socked at me, I wondered if there’d be a quiz later. Hopefully not. I was only half-listening.


  When we arrived, there were multiple cars parked on the makeshift lot Adam and I had created using driftwood as a perimeter when we’d first started dating. By then, I’d tuned out most of the words Zack said. Future quiz failed.

  I got out of the truck and looked up at the house. It looked the same as I remembered. Another round of history fought to take hold, but I shooed it away. My feet took some convincing, hesitating at the property line. The cedar shakes on the side of the house were worn with age, battered by years of salty air. A thin blanket of sand coated the sparse grass. None of that had changed.

  If I thought coming back to Steele Falls was difficult, visiting Adam’s house brought it to a whole new level.

  “Are you okay?” Zack grabbed my hand. “You look like you saw a ghost.”

  “It’s nothing. Just a big day with the funeral tomorrow and all,” I lied.

  “It’s tomorrow? I keep forgetting that’s the whole reason you came to town in the first place.” He scrolled through his phone with his thumb. “Damn. I can’t go. I have a meeting in Aberdeen I can’t reschedule.”

  “It’s okay. Funerals aren’t fun anyway,” I reassured him. Deep down, I was relieved Zack wouldn’t be there.

  “Come on then.” He squeezed my hand. “We can go say hi to everyone and then I’ll take you out back to the beach. Adam has this great patch of sand with this huge chunk of driftwood near the far end of his property line.”

  I swallowed and closed my eyes, thinking of the initials carved deeply into the wood and the pocketknife in my tote bag that was used to make it. “Uh huh. Sounds great.”

  He led me into the house, practically having to pull me along. A handful of people were in the kitchen, congregating around a table full of fancy appetizers. Rock music blasted in the background. Another small group was in front of the fireplace overlooking the ocean out back. If anything, Adam’s house was nothing short of spectacular, and he’d done a considerable number of updates in the past two years.

  “The Main event has arrived!” Zack said, lifting his hand up high, his fingers still intertwined with mine.

  Everyone within earshot cheered.

  I leaned up toward him and whispered, “Did you announce your presence with your last name and call yourself the Main event?”

  “Sure did.” He winked. “Clever, huh?”

  I let out a nervous chuckle, unimpressed.

  “Hey!” Lucy said as she appeared from the kitchen to give me a hug with a beer in-hand. “How are you?” It was as if the other night never even happened.

  “Good?” I replied.

  “Daveigh said she’s running late. Sounds like Finn’s in town and something dramatic happened earlier? Know any details about it? I wouldn’t mind banging that brother of yours if he’s available…”

  I shook my head no as I saw Adam across the room. Lucy and Zack were suddenly unimportant. His eyes locked with mine as he dumped a bag of chips in a near-empty bowl.

  Zack put his arm around my waist, his fingertips curling under the bottom of my sweatshirt, greeting the small of my back again. It felt too intimate as I tried to wriggle away. “Come here for a second,” he said.

  “Where are we going?”

  “It’s polite to greet the host.” He led me across the room to where Adam stood, crumpling the bag with more force than necessary.

  Zack shook Adam’s hand and clapped his shoulder twice. “Thanks for bailing me out on this party. I owe you one. Next year, no skunks.”

  Adam nodded and scanned the room.

  Awkward.

  The air was thick with tension. “Are you two still not over what happened the other night?” Zack grabbed a bottle of beer from the cooler and handed it to me.

  “Like oil and water.” I twisted the top off and took a swig.

  Zack sighed and turned toward Adam. “Do me a favor. Go out back. Take five minutes to get to know her. And forget about that whole damn beer mess. It was an accident. You’ve been a real ass.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” My eyes bulged at the idea of another encounter alone with Adam. “He’s made it clear…”

  “Crystal. Clear,” he corrected me. “And why are you pushing this, Zack? It’s evident she’s your date. You babysit her.”

  “Quit being a tool. I like this girl.” Zack elbowed Adam, his voice borderline begging, “C’mon, man. You’re my best friend. Believe it or not, it’s important to me that you get along with her.”

  Adam lowered his voice. “Haven’t I already done enough by hosting this party for you?”

  Zack gave him a disapproving look. “If the roles were reversed—”

  “The roles would never be reversed. That’s the thing,” Adam said as he tried to walk away.

  Zack crossed his arms and moved in front of him.

  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?” Adam huffed. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s get this over with.”

  “I knew you’d see it my way,” Zack replied.

  Adam stormed out onto the back porch, slamming the door shut behind him.

  “Go on,” Zack said. “I know as soon as he spends a few minutes with you, he’ll agree you’re amazing. Don’t be too amazing though.” He laughed. “What am I saying? I’m confident enough to know you’re going home with me tonight.”

  “I think maybe I should go back to check on Finn.” I tried to hide my scowl. “He just got here from…”

  “Don’t make me bust out the coffee quips again.” Zack’s dimples appeared.

  My shoulders slumped. There was no other easy exit. Without speaking, I walked out to the back porch and closed the door behind me, the gentle click announcing my presence. A few people were out in the yard smoking cigars, and three people were heading toward the beach underneath the moonlit sky with a volleyball in tow. Adam and I were officially alone.

  I sat down on the top step as far from him as possible. “Hey,” I said, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

  He looked out at the ocean and offered a simple nod.

  “I’m not sure why Zack is pushing this so hard,” I continued.

  “Beats me.” Adam took a drink of his beer. “There are far better ways I could be spending my time.”

  “You didn’t have to do that, you know,” I replied.

  He set the bottle down and folded his arms atop his knees. “Do what?”

  “Recommend me for the job.”

  “I’d hardly call it recommending you. I merely said—”

  “And I’m saying thank you.” I looked at him. “Let me know if I need to explain what that phrase means, like I did with the handshake. The proper response is ‘you’re welcome’.”

  Silence.

  “Why did you do it?” I asked. “You had every opportunity to throw me under the bus.”

  Adam ran his fingers through his hair before pulling a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket. “Honestly, I have no fucking clue. It’s not like you deserve it. And you’re not qualified.”

  “All true statements.”

  He laughed out his nose and set the red-and-gold labeled pack of cigarettes on the step where his feet rested. “And what’s stupid is I only need to smoke these damn things when you’re around.”

  I started to stand up. “Then, maybe I should go inside and distance—”

  “Wanna hear what pisses me off?” He leaned back and lit the cigarette.

  “Here we go.” I sighed and sat back down.

  “First of all, I’m calling bullshit on your headache excuse this morning. You don’t get migraines. That was the classic Blue Brennan post-crying face. I remember it well.”

  “So?”

  He looked at me before taking a drag. “Second of all, why the waterworks show?”

  “Wh
y do you care?”

  “I don’t,” he replied. “I quit caring a long time ago.”

  “This conversation is going nowhere.” I rubbed my temples.

  He grabbed for his frosty beer bottle before standing up, the rickety boards of the warped porch creaking beneath him as he leaned against the railing. “Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve looked up at that starry sky and wondered if you were doing the same?”

  I gulped. “Adam—”

  “278.”

  My lungs stopped working. Shit. He had an actual number. And it was a doozy.

  “You look surprised.” He glanced at me before taking a swig. “Two hundred and fucking seventy-eight. And then…I stopped. Want to know why?”

  What felt like years passed before I was able to whisper my response. “Why?”

  “I decided to stop punishing myself, wondering what I’d done wrong to make you leave.”

  “Please.” I shook my head, questioning whether I needed to start smoking. “Don’t make this harder…”

  “No one knew, Blue. No one knew about us being together. I actually started to wonder if I were crazy, and I dreamed up our entire relationship, so you don’t get to talk about making things harder. You have no right.”

  I tucked my hands up into the sleeves of my sweatshirt. “What I have a right to do isn’t a factor in this equation. We were the product of an unfortunate situation.” I paused and furrowed my brow in thought. “No, wait. The unfortunate situation was a product of us?”

  Adam rubbed his face with his hands. “God, don’t make this into some complicated math problem. You and I were the product of us falling in love. You. Me. It was that simple. One plus one equaled two. And that entire ‘equation’ of us, as you so eloquently put it,” he frowned and used air quotes, “started long before what happened to—”

  “Don’t,” my voice wavered. “Don’t say her name out loud.”

  “It’s Madelyn! Say it! You have to face what happened sooner or later!” he yelled. “When are you going to come to grips with that?”

  “Damn it, Adam. She died!” Tears spilled down my cheeks. “Nothing you or I do can fix that!”