Recovery Road

by Danielle Donaldson

  “Yeah, I suppose. Look, I’m not attacking you here. I thought it was nice that you let your hair down.”

  “You aren’t…judging me? I’ve only ever been with Hudson. I would never—”

  “That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Bonnie turned to look at Olivia, whose ears perked up when she heard her father’s name. Bonnie dropped her voice lower so the children couldn’t overhear. “I don’t think you’re going to run off with the guy, but it would be nice if you found someone for…companionship.”

  Bonnie lifted her eyebrows.

  Catalina scowled. The only companionship she needed was her friends, her daughter, and Evan. She hadn’t stopped thinking about him. Now that she hadn’t said anything to anybody about her getting drunk, calling him, and then throwing herself at him, it was a secret was stabbing at her. She hadn’t kept a secret since she found out she was pregnant with Olivia, and even then she didn’t do too well at keeping her mouth shut.

  She closed her eyes and grimaced. Not coming clean to her friends was giving her heartburn. She still had a sour taste in her mouth.

  “I don’t need someone for sex, Bonnie.”

  Bonnie clucked her tongue to the roof of her mouth. “Honey, it would be okay if you did. Nobody would fault you for that.”

  Catalina met Bonnie’s eyes. They were soft but serious.

  “You can’t live the rest of your life miserable. The only thing we want is for you to be happy.”

  Catalina let the words hang in the air between them.

  Happy. She didn’t know what that word meant anymore. There were small pockets of time, merely moments, when she could remember feeling some semblance of happiness again. Yet they were fleeting.

  “I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about some stuff,” she managed to get out.

  “What do you mean? We all love you. We just want you to be happy. Marie, Gillian, Gene, me, and Evan. We support you 100 percent. That’s why I’m here.”

  Catalina put down her cup on the coffee table. The bitterness of the coffee was making the aching feeling in her stomach feel worse. She cringed when Bonnie said Evan’s name. He had a girlfriend. He didn’t think about her that way.

  “I know that you all loved Hudson, too. But it’s really hard to live your life when you lose the person that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with”

  She recalled the way Gene looked at Bonnie with Asa wobbling in her arms and a new baby growing inside of her. Marie changed boys like the weather because she could, and she didn’t want to be tied down. And then there was the way Evan looked at her that morning after her drunken kiss. He looked so disappointed standing in front of her, his eyes guarded but hurt.

  Bonnie twisted her mouth like she was trying to figure out what to say.

  “You’re still so young, Cat. It would be difficult to imagine your life differently at this point, but that’s where you are.”

  “I know. That’s the worst part. My life is now ‘post’ marriage, ‘post’ Hudson. I don’t know how to live this life. I know how to be his wife. I know how to be a mother. I don’t know how to be a widow,” she said, running her fingers through her hair.

  Bonnie gently placed her hand on top of Catalina’s.

  “You taught me that there’s no rulebook for being a wife or a mom. You told me that once, remember? In the same way, there’s no rulebook on being a widow. You just have to figure out what works for you and Olivia.”

  “That sounds hard.” She grimaced.

  “Look at you.” Bonnie gestured at the house around them and at Olivia, who was smiling and talking to Asa. “You’re already doing it. It can’t be too hard.”

  Catalina leaned her head back against the couch cushions and tried her best to regulate her breathing. Tears were starting to prick at the back of her eyes.

  “It is hard. I have no idea what I’m doing,” she said to the ceiling.

  “Is there something particular that’s bothering you?”

  Maybe it would have been better to never have remembered that night. It would have been better to wonder what happened. That way she wouldn’t have to keep reliving it all.

  “The issue I have is that I remember. I don’t want to remember.”

  “Oh honey, I get that. It is completely understandable that you wouldn’t want to remember the accident. That was a traumatic event that very nearly took your own life. You lost your husband in that crash. I can’t imagine that anyone would want to remember that.”

  Catalina shook her head slightly.

  “Is there something I’m missing?” Bonnie pushed the issue again. Catalina knew that getting herself to talk was like pulling teeth out of an angry alligator’s mouth, but she couldn’t help it. Bonnie would never forgive her if she knew the truth.

  “No. That’s very true. I don’t want to remember the accident, but I don’t want to forget Hudson. We had our fights, and he could definitely be a jerk when he wanted to be, but he’s my husband. I love him.”

  “I know that. Nobody is questioning that. Are you worried about moving on? About what that might mean?” Bonnie tucked her legs under her bottom, twisting her body so that she looked at Catalina head on.

  Am I that easy to read?

  “You don’t need permission to move on. You can just do what’s right for you.”

  Catalina felt like she had been punched in the gut. She wasn’t moving on. She probably was never going to move on. Hudson was the love of her life. There was no moving on from the love of your life, your soul mate.

  They continued to sit in silence as Catalina picked at invisible lint on the couch.

  “I’m not pushing you to start dating or anything like that. I’m just saying that it’s okay if you do. It’s healthy to move forward. In twenty years, you aren’t going to want to be in the same position you are now.”

  Cat blew the hair out of her face.

  “Are you sure you aren’t a therapist, Bon?”

  “Maybe I’llhave a new career when I’m done having babies.” Bonnie laughed to herself.

  “Gene will never let you stop having babies. He looks at you from across the room and you end up pregnant.”

  “Shh!” Bonnie playfully hit her with a couch pillow. “Don’t talk like that.” Bonnie’s neck and face flushed red hot in seconds.

  “How do I move on without feeling like I’m insulting Hudson’s memory? I don’t even know how to function, let alone move on.”

  “You’re functioning. You’re going to therapy. You’re taking care of Olivia. You’ve started back working part-time. Cat, I think you are underestimating yourself.”

  “Who would want to date me? Talk about baggage. I got it by the truckloads.” Catalina pointed at the white scars on her neck. She was a single mom and a widow. The odds of finding someone cool with that would be slim.

  “Baggage? Who cares? We all have baggage. Look at Evan. With his crazy family and everything, he still manages to find a date.” Bonnie smiled and waved at Asa. The little boy clapped his hands and waved back at her as Olivia danced around him.

  That girl who was with Evan last night must be his girlfriend—just another reason to push him from her mind. Bonnie was right. If I have baggage, Evan has shiploads of shit to deal with.

  Like, the way he freaked out at the bank.

  “Yeah, I don’t need that kind of extra crap to take care of too. I don’t need someone in my life with stuff that they have to work through. I’m too busy working through things for myself.”

  “Yup. Take care of yourself. Be nice to yourself. Seriously. Now, what’s something that would make you happy?”

  Remember, he has a girlfriend. He’s emotionally unavailable. He doesn’t want you. He’s a mess, too. You don’t need that in your life. Despite trying to convince herself to forget him, she still managed to think of Evan’s arms wrapped around her the night before and how amazing it felt to her. She had tried her hardest not to breathe in his scent, not to lean into his touch
, not to daydream about kissing him again.

  “Hey, earth to Cat.” Bonnie waved her hand in front of Catalina’s face.

  “Sorry, I guess I zoned out.”

  “You look like you were thinking about something real…you know…s-e-x-y.” Bonnie spelled out the last words as to not let the children hear.

  “Oh, shut up. I’m just lonely. That’s all. Nothing more.”

  “Sure thing, Cat. Sure thing.” Bonnie laughed.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Now that the therapist had taken her off the sleeping medications, it took her longer to fall asleep. Falling asleep wasn’t like slipping off the slick side of a bathtub. It was like chasing a skittish dog down an unfamiliar street, wearing a bathrobe and one slipper. It was difficult and she lay there for hours.

  Her mind was a drain that kept circling around one person: Evan. When she finally fell asleep, he was laying next to her in her dream.

  She couldn’t see him in the dark, but she could smell him. He smelled like cinnamon and sugar. He smelled like a man. Heat radiated off of his skin, and she could feel the curves of his muscular shoulders as it pressed into the mattress beside her.

  She sighed softly and scooted her back against him. He wrapped an arm around her middle and pulled her into him. Her body was small and light next to his solid build. She wrapped her hand around his forearm and felt the light hairs there as they brushed against her palm. He said into her hair, but she couldn’t quite hear what he was saying.

  “Hmm?” she asked him in her dream. She didn’t say the words aloud, but she knew he heard her.

  “I said, ‘Don’t go,’” Evan answered.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” She smiled in her dream.

  His voice got louder and wind rushed by her face.

  “Cat! Don’t go! Stay here!” He yelled. He sounded far away. She was floating in hot water. The liquid was thick and burned red through her eyelids. The red light hurt her eyes, even with them shut. She was on fire. She was in a lake of fire.

  “Evan! Evan!” She reached for his arm that was supposed to be wrapped around her, but he was gone. She flailed about, searching for his skin, his body. She needed to know that he was okay. She needed to hear his voice, his thoughts again.

  She fought through the plasma around her. Her skin felt like it was peeling off of her bones. She screamed, but all that came out was Evan’s name.

  She heard him hollering her name. His voice was broken and aching with longing as he called out to her. His body was being torn apart, and his screams of pain were more drawn out, fading away. She couldn’t do anything about it.

  She woke up sweating. The sheets were soaked around her. Her hair was stuck to her forehead and her muscles were tight and sore. Her jaw was clenched so tightly that she was worried she’d broken some of her teeth. She couldn’t catch her breath

  Marie flew into the bedroom, kicking the door against the wall with a bang. She was breathless.

  “Cat. You gotta come. Something has happened to Evan.”

  *

  The hospital was still familiar to Catalina, but once anyone had spent a few days in the burn unit, worried about internal injuries, replaying an accident over and over in their mind, itwould be hard to forget the smell of bleach and cleaners and the harsh overhead lighting that gave her headaches.

  She rushed through the hallways, Olivia’s sleepy limbs hitting her torso as she carried her daughter in her arms. Marie was rushing ahead of them to the nurse’s station. She flailed her arms about in frustration.

  “We have to see Evan Bowers.” Her voice was screechy, enough to make Catalina cringe. Catalina reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. Olivia barely stirred in her arms.

  “Sis, calm down. We’ll have to find Gene. He’ll know.” Catalina was lost at sea, a ship without a moor, but she was calm.

  “Oh, thank God you guys are here.” Gene rushed up behind them. “I didn’t know who else to call. Bonnie is home with the baby.”

  His hair was disheveled. He was usually so vain, everything in its place, but he had rolled out of bed in a wrinkled white t-shirt and gray sweatpants. He had goose bumps on his arms and his eyes were red.

  “Tell me everything you know.” Marie clutched at him, keeping her voice low. Olivia’s breathing was slow and steady against Catalina’s heart. It was still before dawn. The poor girl was too tired to even be aware of everything that was happening, but they couldn’t leave her home alone.

  “He was driving home. Someone crossed the center line. The other driver was drunk and hit them head-on. The car was totaled and they brought him here. He’s in surgery. He wasn’t conscious, and I don’t know what exactly is wrong. I’m waiting for someone to tell me something.” Gene’s eyes watered up. “His mom called me. She said she didn’t want to be bothered with this and that she’d come see him when he woke up. There was a girl with him. She only has a couple scratches, a busted arm, but she’s going to be okay. She’s supposed to be released soon.”

  Another car accident. But he’s alive. Evan’s alive somewhere in this hospital. He’s not in the ground. He’s breathing. She repeated it to herself like a mantra. She filled her lungs with deep, slow breaths. It was one of those coping mechanisms that her therapist was always talking about. She could handle this. He was going to be alright, and as long as he was alive, Catalina could handle it.

  She pushed the thought of Hudson’s crumpled truck out of her mind. It wasn’t like that with Evan. Evan was different.

  Devi stumbled out of the hallway doors, shuffling her bare feet on the tile. Her red dress was torn at the shoulder. Her arm was in a cast and sling. A tall brunette with sharp features was holding her up and carrying her purse and high heels in her free hand.

  “Oh my gosh. I’m glad you’re here. I can’t…I can’t stay. I can’t be here. I can’t do this…” Devi started crying. Her mascara was already streaming down her face. Her hair was matted and stringy. She smelled like alcohol. “I can’t do this. I can’t be here,” she kept repeating. “Can you take care of her?” Catalina asked the brunette.

  “Yeah. I got this. I’ll take her home,” the woman answered. Her face was somber.

  Evan was going to be okay. He was going to wake up from the surgery and he was going to be fine. He’d be walking out of the hospital, like Devi was.

  “He wasn’t drinking, you know. He was driving me and we were arguing. I was yelling at him and the other car came out of nowhere. I don’t even remember what happened. It was cold and my arm hurt a lot—”

  “Devi, you need to go home and rest. You need to put your arm up. You need to take a shower. You’ve been through a lot,” her friend interrupted and started leading her toward the front door.

  “I want you to know that he wasn’t drinking. He’s a good guy. He was trying to take care of me.” Devi’s blue eyes looked tired and zoned out.

  Catalina nodded softly and tried her best to smile. The girl was spitting in her direction a week ago and now…Catalina was scared but not of Devi. She was scared for Evan.

  “It’s okay. I understand.” Catalina sighed. She tried to gently place Olivia in a chair, trying to keep her asleep.

  Devi hobbled out of the automatic hospital doors into the dark night with her friend’s arms around her.

  “I guess we wait. Gene, do you want to go home? Call Bonnie? Marie, why don’t you see if there’s a coffee shop in this place. We’re going to need it,” Catalina said. Her brain was clicking into crisis mode. She could manage this. She could handle this. When she finally sat down and tilted her head back to the ceiling, she realized that she was the one who drove them to the hospital.

  It was the first time she had driven since the explosion.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Evan’s mouth was dry when he tried to swallow. His eyes were crusted shut and an ache throbbed in his head. He heard machines beeping rhythmically, and the room was cold around him. When he opened his eyes, the fluorescent light dimmed a
bove him and pain radiated from his right leg.

  The accident. The details came back to him slowly. He was driving with Devi in the car and she was yelling at him about something. Then bright headlights shone in the windshield and there was glass everywhere and darkness.

  He looked at the seat next to his bed and gasped. Catalina was sitting stiffly in the chair with her fingers resting over her eyes. Her head was tilted awkwardly to the side like she was sleeping sitting up, but then she started to rub at her eyelids. He held his breath, not wanting to disturb the scene in front of him.

  Catalina leaned forward in the chair. She held her hands together but didn’t look toward his eyes. His mouth was too dry to form words, and he didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t the person he imagined would be sitting with him in the hospital, even though he desperately wanted her there. She went to reach for his hand, which was covered in tape that kept the IV in place, but instead pulled her hand away and met his eyes.

  “Oh! You’re awake!” she said a little too loudly.

  His headache was getting worse by the minute, but her voice was still beautiful to him. He was sure he looked terrible because he felt terrible. The dull ache of a bruise slashed across his chest, probably from the seat belt.

  Her soft green eyes searched his face, and he brought his hand up to cup her cheek in his palm.

  “Cat?” he said.

  She leaned into his touch and he rubbed the pad of his thumb over her cheek. She looked tired. He hoped that she hadn’t been at the hospital for too long.

  “Hey. Hey. I’m here. Evan. I’m here.”

  He started coughing. She pulled away and he missed the feel of her cheek in his hand. She held a cup of water to his mouth, put the straw between his lips. He drank slowly. She smiled at him softly.

  “What happened?” he asked, looking around the room. His eyebrows knitted together. “A crash? I was driving…where’s Devi?”

  He started to sit up, tried to pull at the wires and tubes in his arms. The machines clicked and beeped in increasing speed. He needed to get out of here as soon as possible.