Recovery Road

by Danielle Donaldson

  “You need to calm down, Evan. You’re in the hospital. There was a crash. They think it was a drunk driver. Devi is fine. She broke her arm, but she went home. She couldn’t stay.” Catalina put her hand on his shoulder and held him down in the bed. She spoke closely to his ear, blocking out the noise of the hospital around them. The feel of her breath on him made his blood pump faster. She smoothed the blankets lightly over his chest.

  Evan sighed. He groaned and rubbed at his temple and grimaced at the IV in his arm.

  “You were in surgery for a few hours. They…” Her voice caught in her throat. “They saved your leg. They said that you have to have some time to recover, but you should be okay. You’re going to be okay.” She breathed out.

  They saved his leg? What did that mean? It ached, but he could see the outline of it beneath the blankets. He was in surgery and Devi bailed. That was typical of her.

  “We were fighting,” he said.

  “What?”

  “Devi. We were fighting. She was mad at me. Then, there was a bright light and that’s all I remember.” He laughed lightly. “I’m laying in a hospital bed and my own girlfriend, —well, she wasn’t really my girlfriend—can’t even be here. What kind of person does that?” Tears clouded his eyes.

  He couldn’t cry in front of Catalina, especially over some girl he didn’t really like in the first place.

  “She said she couldn’t handle it. She needed to rest. I’m sure she was in shock and that she’ll be here in a little while,” Catalina tried.

  “No, she won’t.” He took a long breath. “I’m pretty sure we were breaking up when the other car hit us. She’s not coming back.”

  Catalina pursed her lips together. Her forehead wrinkled.

  “How long?” he asked.

  “How long what?”

  “No, I meant, how long have I been here? How long since she’s been gone?” He searched Catalina’s face.

  “You crashed in the middle of the night.” She looked at her watch. “I saw Devi around fourteen hours ago. She’s probably still sleeping. Gene went home to Bonnie. Marie took Olivia home. Gillian had to work, but she told me to make sure that I take care of her pretty boy,” Catalina said with a laugh. She rambled on, but Evan was grateful.

  So, that meant Gene and Marie were here, but fourteen hours was a long time, especially for Catalina to be sitting at his bedside.

  “You’ve been here for a long time. You should get home to Olivia.”

  “I’m not going anywhere yet. I wanted to make sure you are okay. I mean, as good as you can be, being in the hospital and all.” Her hair was loose around her shoulders, long and wavy. Evan reached up and curled a finger into the end of a few strands.

  “I’m glad you’re here.” He smiled at her. “Maybe it’s best Devi isn’t. I don’t think that it was meant to be, you know? It was doomed from the start.”

  She shushed him. “It’s the pain medication. It’s…you’re still waking up from the surgery. Don’t think so much. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

  “We were fighting about you, you know, when we got in the crash. She was pushing me about you. Telling me that I shouldn’t talk to you anymore, that I should cut you out of my life. I should get over Hudson’s death. She was saying that I—” His voice sounded gravelly and rough.

  “We don’t have to talk about this. That’s private. Devi is your girlfriend. You obviously,” Catalina gulped, “love her.”

  Evan stared at the ceiling. His eyes unfocused. He swallowed. He didn’t love Devi, not even close. Devi was a distraction, someone to keep his Friday nights busy and his bed warm. She was never who he really wanted, could never be the woman he really wanted. He shook his head.

  “No. I don’t and I didn’t, but it doesn’t matter.” He reached up his hand to his face. He rubbed at his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He wiped at his eyes again. His pale face flushed and he grimaced.

  “Are you okay? Is it your leg? I can get the nurse. Maybe they can up your meds—” Catalina looked around for the nurse call button.

  “I didn’t. You know. I don’t. Love her. I don’t love her. She doesn’t love me. She isn’t here.” Shut up, Bowers. Just stop talking before you make a fool out of yourself. Tears sprang from the corners of his eyes and poured down to his ears. “Doesn’t that show you something? You stay when someone you love is in the hospital.” His voice choked up. He tried to clear his throat. He rubbed at his right leg, slightly elevated. The bandages bunched up under the blankets.

  Catalina grabbed his hand and squeezed it in hers.

  “You stayed.” He said it so quietly, he hoped she might not have heard him. Her hand was so small in his.

  She leaned down and gave him a kiss on his left temple. Her lips were soft and warm on his skin. Her hair fell from behind her shoulder and formed a curtain over them. Catalina pulled back and wiped his hair from his forehead. Evan’s heart tightened. If all he had to do to get her this close to him was get in a car accident, he’d do it every day.

  He reached his hand across his body and tangled it in her hair. He held her there as he held back from crying. The IV line kept him tied to the bed, but she leaned into his grasp. He tugged gently on the hairs close to her scalp and breathed her in deeply. Even with the pain medication, his cock stiffened under the sheet. He hoped she wouldn’t notice.

  “It’s going to be okay, Evan. You need to rest. You’re going to be okay,” she said against his skin. Her lips brushed against his forehead with each word she spoke. He didn’t push her away and she didn’t pull away from him. “I drove here.” She hadn’t driven since Hudson’s accident. He turned to look at her and his face was so close to hers. “You drove and you are okay?”

  “I drove and I was okay. I didn’t realize it until I was already here in the waiting room.” She laughed. The laughter bubbled through her chest and out of her mouth. It was beautiful sound, and he never wanted it to stop.

  *

  The weather started to clear, and Catalina got a call that the headstone for Hudson’s grave had been delivered the week earlier. They hadn’t been at the gravesite since the funeral.

  Catalina’s heart clenched at the thought of going there again, but her therapist encouraged her to take Olivia. They both needed closure, something to help accept the new normal.

  She brought a small picnic basket, blanket, and a photo album with them. She zoned out and listened to the rumble of the car and the tires on the road all the way there. Olivia sat quietly in the backseat.

  “So, we’re not going to heaven, right?” Olivia’s little voice squeaked.

  “No, sweetheart. We’re just going to visit Daddy in a different way. It’s called a cemetery. You will probably remember it from the funeral. We can sit in the sunshine and talk to Daddy if you want.”

  Olivia chewed on her fingers. Catalina watched her from the rearview mirror.

  “I think I’ll like that,” she said.

  Catalina nodded to herself.

  When they arrived at the cemetery, Catalina put her hand out for Olivia to hold. They held onto each other as they walked through the headstones and found the large, gray stone with “Montgomery” written across the top.

  “Beloved father, husband, and son,” Catalina said to herself.

  The stone was beautiful, and the grass had started to grow over the grave.

  Catalina spread out the blanket to the side of the headstone. She and Olivia sat cross- legged on top of it.

  “This is where Daddy is, Momma?”

  “Yes, baby. This is where we visit Daddy. We’re going to eat some snacks and just hang out for a while.”

  “What’s that?” Olivia pointed at the photo album.

  “These are some old pictures and stuff. I wanted to show you. I thought we could talk about them and about Daddy.” Catalina sighed and pushed stray hairs out of her face. She rubbed her hands together and then flipped open the album. “Do you want to see how funny Mom and Dad l
ooked when we were little?”

  “Yes! That’s fun!” Olivia shouted and jumped up and down. “Are you sure it’s okay, Momma?” She turned serious.

  “What do you mean, ladybug?” Catalina asked, stacking the album books on the table.

  “Is it okay to talk about Daddy?” Olivia tilted her head to the side and looked down at her feet.

  Catalina knelt and put her hands on Olivia’s shoulders.

  “Baby, I never want you to think that you can’t talk about your Daddy. He will always be your daddy and I will always be Mommy. I love Daddy very much and I know you do too. I know that I was really sad for a while, but don’t you ever be afraid to talk about Daddy to me or anyone else, okay?” Her voice started to get shaky. She kissed Olivia gently on the forehead.

  “Okay, Momma. Let’s look at pictures.”

  Catalina and Olivia sat for a while, flipping through the pictures, munching on crackers and cheese that Catalina had brought.

  “Mom’s hair was funny in this one, wasn’t it?” Catalina pointed at a picture of her and Marie as little girls. Their bangs were curled and teased off their foreheads. They were wearing matching short outfits with white frilly socks under their sneakers.

  Olivia giggled. “That’s silly!”

  “That’s me and Auntie Marie.” She and Marie were hugging, squeezing their faces together for the photo. Catalina couldn’t remember much from that time, but she knew that her dad must have been behind the camera.

  “You know, ladybug, my daddy went to heaven when I was a little girl too,” Catalina said, wiping away some stray tears.

  “Oh, Momma. I’m sorry. You’re sad.” Catalina was amazed at her little girl’s empathy. Her little girl lost her father and Catalina had become consumed with the loss, worrying only about the aching longing in her own heart.

  “Don’t worry, I’m okay. I’m remembering my daddy and how much I loved him, but he’s with your daddy. They are looking over you together.” Catalina sighed and flipped through a few more pictures.

  “See, here is your grandpa, grandma, auntie Marie, and me.” The picture was taken at Christmas. They were all wearing gaudy sweaters with puffy paint and sequins her mother had made. They were smiling at the camera. Catalina looked like her father, dark skin and features. Marie was a mini version of their mother. They even wore their hair in matching side ponytails.

  “Aw. You look cute, Momma,” Olivia said, touching their faces in the photograph. They both stared at the picture for a few moments in silence. “Do you miss your daddy?”

  “Yes, baby girl. I miss him a lot sometimes. But that’s okay.” Catalina smiled at her daughter.

  “Momma, can we go visit Grandma and other Grandma sometimes?” Olivia asked.

  “Oh, of course. I guess it has been a while since we’ve seen them.” Catalina furled her eyebrows together. She couldn’t quite remember the last time Olivia saw either of her grandmothers or Hudson’s family. It had been too long. Catalina had shut them out, unable to look at them and not see Hudson staring back at her.

  “Oh, goody. ‘Cause I miss them, and I bet they miss Daddy too.” Olivia started to look through the pictures on her own.

  They laid back and looked up at the clouds, pointing out shapes that looked like different animals.

  Day turned to dusk; Catalina hadn’t realized that they’d spent the majority of the day there with very little tears shed.

  “Okay, bug. It’s time to go.” Catalina gathered their things and barely glanced at the headstone.

  “Can we can come back and spend time with Dad?” Olivia placed her tiny hand on top of the smooth stone. She traced the letters with her fingers.

  “Yes, bug. Anytime you want. We can come back.” Catalina turned away. She never should have to bring her daughter to a cemetery to visit her father.

  “I love you, Daddy. See you later,” Olivia whispered softly and kissed the headstone softly.

  When did her daughter get so big? The tears in Catalina’s eyes clouded the image. Olivia, with her father’s eyes and Catalina’s curly, dark hair, was so small next to the stone.

  Catalina could do this. Today was a better day than the day before. She could start to see the end of the tunnel.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “You have to push yourself, Mr. Bowers. You aren’t going to get anywhere unless you push yourself,” Ivy, Evan’s physical therapist, scolded him.

  Evan growled at her. This fucking hurts. It really hurts. And Goddamn, do I want to quit.

  He had been pushing himself all morning, trying to get his damn leg to work with him. The scruff on his face was growing out and it itched like hell. He kept reaching up to scratch it, which made him feel even more unsteady on his feet. He thought about asking Catalina to bring him a razor, but he didn’t want to put her out.

  He was trying to maneuver between two parallel bars, putting more and more pressure on his right leg. His forehead broke out in a sweat.

  “I’m trying here. Can’t you see that?”

  “Look, Evan. I know you are trying, but you are capable of more than that,” Ivy pressed.

  Catalina was parked in an uncomfortable hospital chair against a back wall, watching them. She was sitting on the edge of her seat, bouncing her knee up and down. Her cell phone was in her hand, but she wasn’t looking at it. Evan tried his best to ignore her, but her presence drew his eyes like a magnet.

  “Can he take a break?” she called out. She stood quickly and walked over with a bottle of water to hand him. “He looks a little…tired.”

  “Yeah. I guess he can take a breather, but you better come back to do some work, cowboy.” Ivy walked away with a huff.

  Evan was grateful for the break and the water bottle. Having Catalina watch him struggle embarrassed him so much, it stung his face.

  “You okay?” Catalina asked as he rested on his good leg and tried to catch his breath.

  “I feel like she’s trying to kill me here.” His leg throbbed with pain, but he tried his best to not to show it. He needed his leg to heal and to get his strength back before he could go back to work. He took a few gulps from the water bottle. “You don’t have to sit and watch, Cat. I don’t really need a cheerleader.”

  His voice was snippy and Catalina wrenched back. He didn’t mean for it to come out so strongly, but the pain was biting at him.

  “I’m trying to be supportive,” she said. She looked at her shoes and tugged at the collar of her sweater. She wore her hair down and wavy around her face. She’d put on makeup. Evan noticed. He always noticed and he cursed himself silently for it.

  He sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m being an ass. My leg really freaking hurts.” He grimaced.

  “I get it. She’s being tough on you. She wants you to get back to your normal life and not have to walk with a cane for the rest of your life.” He could tell that Catalina was trying to give Ivy some benefit of the doubt. “But I totally feel like throttling her, too, so don’t worry.”

  “Yeah. I’m really holding back here,” he joked. His smile came easily.

  “You can do this, Evan. You aren’t broken. You will get back on your feet, literally, and everything will be okay,” Catalina said with a big smile.

  “Oh, so now you’re the one giving me the pep talk?” He smiled at her, and there was a certain sadness in his eyes for a brief moment.

  “Hey. Don’t worry about it.” She touched his forearm, rubbed his muscle gently.

  “She hasn’t called, you know. Devi. She hasn’t called or showed up. She’s gone, Cat.” Evan shook his head. “I thought…I don’t know. We weren’t a fairy tale, but I thought that I deserved more than this.”

  “You do. You deserve so much better.” She squeezed his arm again. “You are a good man, Evan. You are going to be fine. You have to be.” She looked down at her shoes.

  Damn it. He’d ruined the moment between them. Maybe that was for the best. He couldn’t let her get close. It was too dangerous.

&n
bsp; Ivy broke in. “Okay, cowboy. You gotta get back in the saddle.”

  Evan sighed. Catalina waved good-bye and went to sit in her chair and watch him struggle through the second half of his physical therapy appointment.

  I definitely don’t deserve her.

  *

  Catalina squirmed in her seat. The excitement to visit Evan in the hospital thrummed through her.

  “I’m heading over there now, Bonnie. I’ll let you know how Evan’s doing.” Catalina said over the phone.

  The streets were slick with the melting snow. Soon enough there would be dandelions sprouting up through the dead, gray grass. Soon enough, she’d be able to take Olivia back to the playground, and maybe she could even start her in a soccer league.

  “I’m so glad that he has you. You’re back on the horse, Cat.” Catalina could hear Asa cooing in the background. “You know, it’s so nice that you are helping Evan while he’s in the hospital since he was there so much after the explosion.” Bonnie was humming a song. Catalina imagined that she was standing in her kitchen, swaying back and forth with her hand on her growing belly.

  “Yeah…I mean, he’s been there…” Catalina faltered.

  “Oh, honey. You don’t know?” Bonnie said. Her voice sounded far away, dreamy. “Yeah. After the accident, he was with you every moment, and when they kicked him out, he paced around or went back to the bakery and worked his tail off. He watched over you. Oh Asa, don’t touch that, baby.”

  “He was at the hospital?” Catalina slowed the car down in the parking lot, distractedly looking for a parking spot. It was weird how quickly she got used to driving again. It was like she’d never stopped. “I don’t remember that. I must have been hopped up on drugs.”

  She scratched at the scars on her neck. It was still cold enough to live in her green turtleneck, but she what would she would do when summer rolled around, when she couldn’t hide underneath layers of sweaters and scarves? She couldn’t see herself feeling comfortable wearing a bathing suit again.