Mr Starlight

by Laurie Graham

  Then there was a trumpet fanfare.

  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘making her stage debut tonight, my Queen of Hearts, my mam!’

  And the four footmen carried her on in a sedan chair.

  Dilys said, ‘Oh, my good God! She’s nothing to do with me.’

  He sang ‘In a Golden Coach’, then he had the pianist move over so he could sit with Mam and pretend to have a lesson from her, like he was a kid again, which raised quite a laugh.

  He said, ‘Do you know you’re pushing me off this stool?’

  ‘No,’ she said, ‘but you hum it and I’ll pick it up as we go along.’

  So, of course, she got a round of applause.

  I said, ‘She’ll be expecting her own show at this rate.’

  Dilys said, ‘I hope she gets it. I hope it involves a lot of travel.’

  He serenaded Mam with ‘Little Old Lady’. ‘As taught me by my good friend Gracie Fields,’ he said. Gracie would have been very surprised. I doubt she even remembered him.

  He finished with ‘All the Things You Are’ and then the old usual, and he got a very warm ovation.

  ‘Marvellous,’ Arthur kept saying. ‘Absolutely marvellous. Good tunes, good jokes.’

  Gaynor said, ‘He didn’t tell any jokes.’

  Dilys said, ‘Did Mam know he’d be calling her on?’

  Hazel said, ‘Cled did, didn’t you? They were down in the dressing room, hatching a surprise.’

  I said, ‘More than you know. Gypsy turned up while I was down there.’

  Dilys’s face fell. She said, ‘It’s never over, is it? Just when you think you’re shot of him, back he comes. Just when you’re enjoying yourself.’

  I said, ‘Don’t worry. The heavy had instructions to send him on his way. You’re not likely to see him.’

  Gaynor said, ‘Who’s Gypsy?’

  Hazel said, ‘Never mind. Let’s go down, see those lovely costumes close up.’

  Dilys said, ‘I’m not going. Not if he’s around. I’ll get back. Make sure Jennifer Jane’s all right.’

  I said, ‘He won’t be around. Sel sent him away with a flea in his ear.’

  Dilys said, ‘I don’t care. I’m not risking it. The rest of you go.’

  I said, ‘Sel’ll be disappointed.’

  Hazel said, ‘Never mind. He’ll understand. Don’t make a fuss, Cled.’

  The dresser was just coming out as we got to the dressing-room door. ‘He’s decent,’ he said. ‘Ready to receive.’

  I said, ‘No complications?’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Everything tidied away.’

  He had the gold suit over his arm, drenched with sweat.

  Hazel said, ‘Do you know what I’d do with that?’

  ‘Put it in a darkened room?’ he said. ‘Send for bomb disposal?’

  ‘Cat litter,’ she said. ‘That’s the best thing for smelly delicates.’

  I said, ‘My wife was First Class laundress on the Cunarders.’

  ‘Really?’ he said. ‘That must be useful. Perhaps you can recommend something for getting a blot off an escutcheon.’

  Using language like that in front of my wife.

  Sel was showered and shampooed and sitting in a nice robe sipping French champagne with Mam.

  She was high as a kite. ‘Come along in,’ she said, as if it was her dressing room. ‘Do you know who we just had in here?’

  I looked at Sel, but he shook his head.

  ‘Only the Lord Mayor of Birmingham,’ she said. ‘And McDonald Hobley, off the television. Local dignitaries and well-wishers. Come and sit over here, Gaynor. You never know who might turn up.’

  And how right she was. We hadn’t been there long before Uncle Teilo walked in. ‘Sel,’ he said. ‘I think it’s time you knew the truth. I’m your father.’

  Mam flushed scarlet. ‘Teilo Morris!’ she said. ‘What a lie!’

  ‘Now, Annie!’ he said. ‘Where’s the harm in telling him? He’s entitled to know. And it’s not as though Gypsy’s ever coming back. You don’t need to worry about him.’

  Sel gave me the eye.

  Mam said, ‘I’m not worried. And there’s nothing to tell. Have you been drinking?’

  Gaynor said, ‘But Gypsy did come back. Uncle Cled said.’

  Mam said, ‘Be quiet, Gaynor. You don’t know anything about this.’

  And Arthur said, ‘It’s getting a bit crowded in here. Why don’t me and Clifford go and fetch the cars?’

  Sel said, ‘No, Arthur, you stay where you are. Top your glass up. You’re family. Teilo’s the one who’s leaving.’

  Teilo said, ‘I know it must have come as a shock to you, Sel. But I wanted to clear the air. I only wanted you to know the truth.’

  Sel said, ‘You’re a bloody liar, Teilo. You’ve had the hump with me ever since I signed on with Ted Sibley, and now you’re just trying to get back in with me. Well, you don’t bother me. You’re laughable. But I won’t have you upsetting Mam.’

  Mam said, ‘I’m not upset. I know what I know.’

  Teilo said, ‘I’m not after money, if that’s what you mean. I just wanted you to know. And it’ll take a while to sink in. But you know where you can find me. My door’s always open, Sel. Blood’s blood, after all.’

  I felt sorry for him, really. Teilo did a lot for us when we were starting out.

  ‘I’m thirty bloody two,’ Sel shouted after him. ‘What do you want to do? Buy me a train set?’

  Mam said, ‘Teilo’s not been himself. The clubs have fallen off since everybody got television. He’s not been himself at all.’

  Gaynor said, ‘I still don’t know who Gypsy is.’

  Sel said, ‘Arthur, if you could take Mam and Hazel, I’d like Cled to ride back with me for five minutes. We’ve got a bit of business to see to.’

  Hazel gave me an old-fashioned look. She said, ‘I hope you won’t be long, Cled.’ She didn’t want to be stuck with Mam.

  Sel was staying at the Plough and Harrow Hotel but he got Doug to drop us in Monument Road so we could walk the last bit and slip in the back way. There’d always be a lady or two who’d find out where he was staying and they’d turn up, hoping to get to know him better. It had happened to me, but I could take it in my stride. One of the perks of the trade, I always thought. But Sel never liked situations. He liked his ladies but not individually. Not if they got too close.

  I said, ‘What a night!’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘All those years without a dad and suddenly I’ve got two.’

  I said, ‘Gypsy took the hint, then? Mam didn’t see him?’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘He took half a bottle of vodka and he cleaned me out of smokes, but Doug got rid of him. Tell me about this business with Betsan.’

  I said, ‘I think Mam’s making matters worse. I mean, it’s very sad. She’s a cracking girl and now she’s soiled goods, but sending her away’s not going to achieve anything. Betsan’s decided she’s going to be one of these unmarried mothers and Dilys is encouraging her.’

  He said, ‘What do you think?’

  I said, ‘I don’t know. Hazel had a kiddle, you know? Gave it up.’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘I didn’t know that.’

  I said, ‘She gets very low sometimes, thinking about it, but of course, that could just be Hazel. Women are complicated creatures.’

  He said, ‘Well, I don’t like Mam upset, Cled. She’s head of the family. We’d none of us be here if it wasn’t for her and I think Dilys could show her more respect. I think I’ll have a word with Arthur about it, after Gaynor’s wedding.’

  Waste of breath, that. Arthur might do a lot of cogitating at his desk at Aldridge’s but at home he did whatever Dilys told him.

  I said, ‘What do you reckon about Teilo?’

  He said, ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about. I don’t look like him, do I?’

  He didn’t look anything like him.

  I said, ‘When you think, though, he did used to come round a lot.�
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  ‘He did,’ he said. ‘And there we were thinking he was just partial to Mam’s sausage and mash.’

  We laughed.

  He said, ‘I’m glad we’re pals again.’

  It was never of my doing, falling out.

  He said. ‘Straight up now, Cled, didn’t I do you a favour? If you hadn’t gone when you did you wouldn’t have met Hazel again. Settled down. Had young Jennifer. You weren’t cut out for the life I lead.’

  I don’t know about that. I could have handled it. And I might have settled down with somebody else. Like Kitty O’Malley. I said, ‘Hazel wasn’t my only prospect, you know. I just happened to bump into her when she was down on her luck. I just felt sorry for her.’

  He said, ‘You’re such a romantic. Anybody ever tell you?’

  As a matter of fact many of the ladies have said the very same thing.

  It was nearly midnight but he would have drinks served in the lounge. We talked about old times.

  I said, ‘The Belle Rive was a great hotel. That and the Peabody. Very swish.’

  He said, ‘I hate them all. Sleeping in my own bed, that’s what I like. That’s the great thing about Vegas. I stay put and the audience keeps changing. The Baker. I hated the Baker.’

  I said, ‘Me too. I never slept well there.’

  He said, ‘They reckon it’s haunted, you know? They reckon this place is haunted. The Grey Lady.’

  I said, ‘Have you had any more visitations? Any smiling nuns?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ he said. ‘I get visitations all the time.’

  I never knew if he was pulling my leg.

  ‘As a matter of fact,’ he said, ‘I think I’m having one just now. Is that Old Man Edkins standing over there gazing at me, or am I losing my mind?’

  And indeed, it was Mr E from next door, weaving across the lounge, looking a bit the worse for wear. ‘Hello, Selwyn,’ he said. ‘I’ve come to tell you something. I think it’s time you knew. I’m your dad.’

  TWENTY

  Gaynor and Clifford were married as planned, with our Jennifer as flower girl and Sel as guest of honour, with a Tiller Girl called Nola as his date. It was a nice wedding although Betsan couldn’t be there due to swollen ankles, and the Millichip relations gave Sel and Nola a wide berth. Apparently strings had been pulled to keep them off the top table. That’s the beauty of a buffet, of course.

  I said to Arthur, ‘What’s their problem? Anybody’d think Sel’s not house-trained.’

  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘Clifford’s people don’t like a lot of ostentation.’

  But there wasn’t going to be any ostentation. Sel wore a nice charcoal-grey suit and a red tie, and Nola was in acqua, with a little matching hat.

  Gaynor said, ‘It’s a question of conversation. What would they find to say to each other? Clifford’s people are college educated.’

  Dilys said, ‘All they have to do is sit and eat a chicken salad. It’s not the Brains Trust.’

  Mam said, ‘Selwyn has his School Certificate. He can mingle with anyone. Of course, I can’t speak for the person he’s brought with him.’

  I said, ‘And how about me? I’ve been in show business and they don’t seem worried about conversing with me.’

  Sel said he hadn’t even realised he was being snubbed by the Millichips. ‘The Mouseshits’ he called them, after that. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘Put me and Nola with the riff-raff. We don’t care where we sit.’

  Dilys said, ‘Well, I don’t like doing it, but you’ll probably have a better time. I’ll put you with some of Gaynor’s pals from work. They’ll be thrilled.’

  Sel said, ‘You know what’s wrong with this country? Too many folks like the Mouseshits. They think small and yet they’re so bloody self-satisfied. If you think big, they can’t wait for you to fall on your arse. And if you don’t, if you make a success of yourself and enjoy the fruits, they call you “vulgar”. Well, fuck the Mouseshits and the horse they rode in on. Give me America any day.’

  Arthur said, ‘You’re not tempted to come back, then? You’d be able to afford a nice place in Shirley.’

  Sel said, ‘Shirley! I like a place where it’s not an offence to be a protruding nail. Las Vegas is my kind of town. Everybody wants to be a major player in Vegas. And the higher you climb, the more stuff you get, the more you flash it about, the more they love you. Flash Harry, that’s me.’

  ‘Will Saltley songster wed leggy lovely?’ it said in the Evening Mail. There was a picture of him arriving at the church.

  The gossip column in the Sunday Express wasn’t so friendly.

  This may be a foolish question [it said] but why are the women of this country so exercised by the continued bachelor state of Selwyn ‘Mr Starlight’ Boff? He’s only thirty-two years old – no great age; he suffers no shortage of female companionship – witness his recent assignations with Palladium hoofer Nola Nugent; and it must be obvious to a blind man in a London fog that Mr Boff’s heart is already spoken for. He loves himself. He loves his mother. Beyond that he likes to keep his public guessing.

  Well, Mr S, we know the answer. There’ll be no wedding bells for Miss Nugent, nor any other eligible misses. Selwyn Starlight isn’t the marrying kind. You read it here.

  Sel was livid.

  I said, ‘Don’t buy newspapers, then. What you don’t read can’t worry you.’

  But he couldn’t resist. He lapped it up when they said nice things about him, so he sometimes had to take a drubbing. To me it didn’t seem worth getting upset about.

  I don’t think Nola had had any expectations. She was just a nice well-built girl. ‘A sweet guy.’ That was how she described Sel.

  I said to Hazel, ‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I was still single when I was his age. Nobody pestered me about it.’

  ‘You weren’t a sex symbol,’ she said. ‘Nobody was interested in you.’

  That’s all she knew.

  Mam said, ‘And there’s nothing to say a boy has to get married. Ivor Novello never did.’

  Still Sel reckoned he could have sued the Express to ruination. He said, ‘They’re suggesting I’m not a real man. They’re intruding into my private life.’ Of course, some people would say if you let Star! magazine take pictures of you sitting in a bubble bath sipping a glass of Babycham you don’t have a private life any more, but Sel never agreed with that argument. He said, ‘I’m going to let it pass this time but only because I don’t want the inconvenience of a court case. I’ve got a diary full of commitments. I haven’t got time to keep flying over here, chasing scandal rags.’

  Mam said, ‘Quite right. Don’t give people the satisfaction. Now we’ve got something to tell you. I’m going to America.’ She looked like the cat who’d got the cream.

  Arthur said, ‘I’ll be jiggered. That’ll be the first holiday I ever remember you taking.’

  Mam said, ‘It won’t be a holiday. I’m going to take care of Selwyn and his luxury homes.’

  Hazel said, ‘I thought Pearl looked after you, Sel?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Well, I take a lot of looking after.’

  Dilys said, ‘Mam, you’re not to start making trouble. Pearl’s been with Sel years. You’re not to upset her.’

  Mam said, ‘I’m not a troublemaker, Dilys. I just do my best to help.’

  I said, ‘How long are you going for?’

  ‘For as long as I’m needed,’ she said. ‘And don’t any of you try to stop me.’

  Dilys was trying not to smile too much.

  Sel said, ‘She can stay as long as she likes. I might give her a regular spot on the show.’

  Mam said, ‘So you see, Dilys, I’m going where I’m needed. Going where my advice gets listened to. And you won’t miss me. You’ll be too busy pandering to Betsan; minding that illegitimate child.’

  Sel delayed sailing so Mam could travel with him.

  ‘We’ll have a stateroom, of course,’ she was telling everybody. ‘You get a settee and a bell to ring
if you want anything.’

  Mrs Edkins said, ‘You’ll be wrecked, Annie, sleeping on a settee. I’m surprised Selwyn’s not getting you a bed.’

  ‘She can’t help it,’ Mam said. ‘She’s never travelled and she never will.’

  Hazel said, ‘Teilo’s going to miss you.’

  Mam didn’t bite.

  Hazel said, ‘If I were you, Mam, I’d get rid of that lighter fuel that’s in the pantry. It could stink the place out with the house closed up.’

  Mam said, ‘That wife of yours, Cledwyn. She’s mental.’

  I said to Dilys, ‘She could be gone months. What do you think we should do about the house?’

  ‘Don’t know,’ she said. ‘Think we could get some gelignite?’

  But then the day after Mam and Sel sailed Terry Eyles turned up and offered to do the decent thing by Betsan. I don’t know whether she accepted him because she wanted him or because she didn’t want to be a burden on Dilys and Arthur, but in the long run it made no difference. Terry never really settled to married life and Betsan ended up as one of those single-parent families anyway. Still, Ninevah Street came in handy. Betsan and Terry moved in there and they had a baby boy, named Ricky after Ricky Valence, who’d just had a song in the hit parade.

  I wrote Mam a letter once a fortnight without fail, and enclosed snaps of Jennifer Jane or newspaper cuttings we thought would interest her: the 1962 Golden Daffodil Awards, with Hazelwyn getting a special mention for comfort and cleanliness. A piece about a Chinese restaurant opening in Pentrefoelas. But not the story that appeared in the News of the World:

  SNUBBED! The father music star Mr Starlight left behind. The damp walls of disabled pensioner James Boff’s bedsit are covered with photos of his famous son. ‘I’m very happy for his success. Only sad he didn’t find the time to visit me when he was in the country.’ Chronic asthma sufferer Mr Boff says his doctors have told him the climate in California and Nevada, where his son has luxury homes, would help his condition, but it looks unlikely that he’ll ever afford to make the trip. ‘It would be nice to see him one last time, though.’

  I said to Dilys, ‘What shall we do about it?’

  ‘Burn it,’ she said. ‘No, don’t even waste a match on it. Put it on your compost heap. And don’t ever mention it to Mam. I want her to forget all about England, forget about Gypsy. I want her left where she’s happy.’