Mr Starlight

by Laurie Graham

  Mam was happy at Rancho Drive and yet she wasn’t, Pearl being the fly in the ointment. From the minute Mam arrived there she wanted to get rid of her. ‘Now I’m here it’s money thrown away,’ she said. ‘And she’s been allowed too much rope. Laying down the law. Telling me about my own boy.’

  I said, ‘Well, Mam, Pearl’s been with him a few years. They’re bound to have got into their little ways. And if Pearl goes and then you come home, what will he do?’

  ‘I’m not coming home,’ she said. ‘I’m staying where I’m needed. Nobody knows Selwyn like I do. He gives his all, as you know, and when the show’s over he still isn’t finished. Sometimes he has to go out afterwards to attend to business and he doesn’t need her waiting up, checking up on him, interrogating his protégés.’

  That was a new one on me.

  Penri was very good on long words. ‘Oh, yes,’ he said, ‘a protégé. From the French. It could be somebody learning their craft from him. Or just somebody he’s trying to encourage.’

  I said, ‘It can’t be the first thing. He doesn’t have any craft to teach. It must be for backgammon.’

  I said to Sel, ‘Mam tells me you’ve got boys you’re encouraging.’

  He laughed. ‘Yeah?’ he said. ‘Yeah, I think she likes it. She says it keeps her young.’

  Mam said, ‘You know Selwyn. Generosity itself. Bringing youngsters home, offering them a square meal. I see no harm in it, as long as they wipe their feet and say thank you. And that woman may as well do some cooking. God knows we pay her enough.’

  I said, ‘Is Mam causing trouble with Pearl?’ Dilys was worried there’d be a bust-up and Mam’d be back in Birmingham to torment her.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘They’re never happier than when they’re arguing. You could make two Mams out of Pearl but that don’t mean Pearl always wins. Anyhow, I’ll be taking Mam on the road with me soon, so Pearl’ll get some peace.’ He was taking ten weeks off from the New Frontier, touring Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio and Michigan with Mam and two of his dogs. ‘Gotta keep those ladies sweet,’ he said. ‘Can’t let these youngsters have it all their own way.’ Troy Shondell, Roy Orbison. Open-neck shirts and tight trousers, that was the direction music was heading.

  So Mam went on the road with Sel, making an appearance in every show. Sometimes they’d do the piano lesson routine or she’d come on in the middle of a song, bring him a clean hanky or tell him off about something, to raise a laugh. Sometimes, if it had been a long day, she’d just sit on a couch with his dogs and he’d sing to her.

  I said, ‘I hope she never sees any of those old Kaycee telly shows, with Gladys Cooper’s photo on top of the piano.’

  ‘She won’t,’ he said. ‘There’s a thing called editing. Anyway, I’m keeping her too busy for her to worry about ancient history. She cuts the ribbon now, when I open a shopping centre. She’s started getting fan letters.’

  I said, ‘Who from?’

  ‘Older ladies mainly,’ he said. ‘Thanking her for being an inspiration. Asking her advice about things.’

  I said to Mam, ‘What kind of things?’

  ‘Family matters,’ she said. ‘Wayward children and lack of standards. You wouldn’t believe some of the stories they send me. They feel they can turn to me, you see. They look at Selwyn and they wonder why their own children haven’t turned out so well.’

  I said to Hazel, ‘It’s always Sel, Sel, Sel. Always the golden boy. You’d never think there were three of us in the family. You know why? Because he never answers her back.’

  Hazel said, ‘Neither do you, so that’s not the reason.’

  I just don’t like upset, that’s all.

  Mam got a spot in a magazine called Coffee Break, giving advice on subjects of interest to the ladies. It was called ‘Ask Mrs Boff’. She didn’t have to read the letters that came in or write the actual advice. They had somebody in the office to do that. But she had her picture at the top of the page and she got paid. And then one of Sel’s old sponsors, Creamola, signed them to do an advertisement together, for their new tinned custard, in regular and banana flavour.

  ‘Mom,’ he had to say, ‘no one makes custard like you do. What’s your secret?’

  ‘No secret,’ she had to say, holding a tin of Creamola behind her back. And then she had to wink at the camera.

  Sel said, ‘She’s a natural. One-Take Annie they call her.’

  Pearl was annoyed. ‘He don’t even care for custard,’ she said to me. ‘He likes ice cream.’

  Looking through the knot hole

  in Grandpa’s wooden leg,

  I slipped and sprained my eyebrow on the pavement.

  Go fetch the Listerine,

  Sister’s caught a cold,

  And a boy’s best friend is his mother.

  TRADITIONAL

  TWENTY-ONE

  We might have spared Mam Gypsy’s trouble-making, but it wasn’t long before there was a story that couldn’t be kept from her. Sel was appearing in Grand Rapids, Michigan but he hadn’t taken Mam with him. She’d been asked to open a new facility for the elderly in Orange County.

  According to the newspapers, a boy who was on the lighting crew claimed Sel had lured him into a dressing room and kept him there against his will. He said certain demands had been made of him. He’d reported it to the police, only not till two days after.

  I said to Hazel, ‘I never heard anything like it. If it had been one of his fans … some of the suggestions I used to get … I wouldn’t dare tell you. They’d make your hair curl.’

  ‘You have told me, Cled,’ she said. ‘A thousand times.’

  I said, ‘But a gaffer’s runner? Why would he go to the dressing room? If Sel had any demands about lighting it’d be the lighting director he’d send for. He’s very particular about lighting. But demands? I don’t see what demands he could have made.’

  Hazel said, ‘Perhaps he wanted him to play backgammon.’ Sometimes Hazel would say the first silly thing that came into her head.

  Mam said the whole business was about money. ‘Selwyn’s known for his kindness to youngsters,’ she said. ‘And this is the kind of risk you run when you’re in the limelight. There’s always somebody waiting to take advantage of a person’s good nature and innocence.’

  Then Kaye Conroy telephoned me all the way from Los Angeles. Usually we only heard from the Conroys at Christmas. ‘This is an ugly story,’ she said. ‘Have you talked to him?’

  When he was touring we didn’t hear from him for weeks.

  She said, ‘Well, I left messages in Toledo and Cincinnati but he didn’t call me back. I hope Milo Freeman is taking care of things. Sel thinks he can always smile his way out of trouble but in a situation like this smiling ain’t gonna be enough. That boy claims he was assaulted.’

  I said, ‘Never! Sel wouldn’t harm a fly. When we were lads he wouldn’t even play cowboys and Indians. Dollies’ tea parties with Joan Wagstaff, that was him.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘I know what you mean. But still, he has a powerful build. If ever there was any kinda … misunderstanding … he’d be a hard man to fight off.’

  It made me think of those high jinks he used to like with Ferd when we lived at Strawberry Ridge.

  I didn’t get to talk to him till the tour was over and the story had gone quiet by then. I said, ‘What was that all about, then? One of them tickle fights?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Something like that.’ He seemed to find it all very amusing. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘He settled. They always settle.’

  I said, ‘What do you mean, “always”?’

  ‘Oh, you know,’ he said. ‘Pity this one turned out so greedy. He was cute.’

  I said, ‘So there was truth in the story? Was it backgammon?’

  He just laughed. He said, ‘How’s Jennifer Jane doing at school? Tell her to work hard. I want her to be a lawyer when she grows up. Every family needs a lawyer.’

  Of course, Jennifer was only seven.

 
; I said to Hazel, ‘Well, you were right. It was backgammon. And then I suppose things got out of hand. It can happen. There was a girl came home with me one time, when we were recording shows at the Topanga …’

  ‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’ve heard that one before as well.’

  I don’t think she had.

  She said, ‘Cled, has it ever occurred to you, about Sel? What type of man he is?’

  I said, ‘Jammy, that’s what type he is. Whatever scrape he gets into he’ll always laugh his way out of it.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘jammy maybe. But you must realise he’s got tendencies?’

  I was shocked. I said, ‘How long have you been harbouring that idea?’

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake, Cled!’ she said.

  I said to Penri, ‘Hazel’s got it into her head that Sel might be pansified, but how could he be? He was voted Most Romantic Man of the Year two years running by readers of True Romance magazine.’

  Penri’s advice was to put it out of my mind and I did. Sel brought out two new albums: Rocking by Starlight, trying to follow the latest trend and not to my taste, and Starlight Moments, with more slow-beat, tear-jerking type of tunes. They both sold well.

  If you listened to Mam everything was wonderful. ‘He can name his own fee these days,’ she said. ‘I was invited to Lola Wynn’s house, to a star-studded pool-side party. Dirk Diamond was there. And Abby Laverne. We’ve got shows booked nearly two years ahead and we’re doing another custard advertisement, new creamier Creamola.’

  Pearl told a different story: ‘I’m reconsidering my position.’

  I said, ‘Is it Mam again?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘She don’t bother me. But Mr Sel’s out till all hours. If he wants company I don’t know why he doesn’t bring it home. We got a big enough house. Ask me, folks out at that time of night are looking for trouble. And Malibu is nothing but Sodom and Gomorrah. I’ve told him he’ll have to find somebody else to take care of him at Ocean Star. Somebody who doesn’t need their sleep.’ People who haven’t been in show business find it hard to understand the hours you keep. She said, ‘You should hear some of the carrying on down the street. Car doors slamming. Dancing and squealing till all hours.’

  I could have done with a bit of all-night dancing and squealing myself.

  We always closed from November till Easter, but we weren’t idle. There’s a great deal of wear and tear in a guest house, so every room had to be redecorated. And then, you always had to be working out new features to keep you ahead of the competition. We went en suite with three of the bigger rooms, which put us streets ahead of the Tal-y-Bont next door. En suite was quite a novelty in Llandudno in 1965.

  Dilys and Arthur generally came in the off season, so Dilys could help with the paper hanging. And after Terry left her Betsan would come too, with little Ricky. It was nice for them to get out of Ninevah Street and breathe some good Welsh air. Dilys used to say, ‘Why don’t you take Hazel away for a week, have a change of scene? We’ll mind Jennifer Jane.’

  But to be honest, the shine had gone off things between the two of us. She had no interest in hearing my stories. It was a kind of envy, I suppose, for the life I’d led before we were married. And there wasn’t much activity on the bedroom front. She always seemed to have her head stuck in a magazine.

  I said to Penri, ‘I think to a certain extent Hazel has withdrawn into a fantasy world.’

  ‘It can happen,’ he said.

  And Hazel wasn’t the only one. All of a sudden Sel was rethinking his career. According to the Sunday Pictorial he’d got the sack from Network Nationwide. ‘Lights Out for Starlight’, it said. ‘American television company NNTV have not renewed their contract with British-born songster, Mr Starlight. The network’s decision to axe his long-running show follows a series of disclosures about his personal life.’

  ‘A pack of lies,’ Mam said. ‘He’d already told them he didn’t want another series. He’s decided to be a film star instead.’

  Dilys said, ‘What disclosures? This better not be Gypsy making trouble again.’

  There’d been the story about the boy in Grand Rapids and then as far as I knew the only other thing had been a row with the tax people over various houses he owned.

  But as he said, he didn’t actually own them. Starlight Realty did. ‘I’m incorporated, Cled,’ he said. ‘Mr Starlight leases those properties. A certain lifestyle is one of the tools of my trade, so I should be allowed to write it off.’

  Arthur said, ‘Why wouldn’t the television people make changes? People can’t be expected to watch the same thing year after year.’

  I said, ‘That’s just where you’re wrong. If you’d worked in television, as I have, you’d know to give the viewers what they already like, not chop and change and confuse them. In show business you’re never afraid to serve up old favourites.’

  Hazel said, ‘Well, you all know what I think.’ But we weren’t going to go into that again, with Jennifer Jane flapping her ears.

  Dilys said, ‘I’ll tell you what it is. They’re getting rid of him to make room for the Mersey Sound. That’s what everybody wants now.’

  It wasn’t what I wanted.

  ‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘I could never imagine him looking right on the telly. The screen’s too small. I don’t see how you’d get a proper feel for his costumes. He belongs on a stage. He’s the kind of star you have to see in the flesh.’

  And that was Sel’s version of things too. ‘I’m going back on the road,’ he said. ‘That’s what I do best. Getting out there, talking to my audience. I’m looking at movie scripts as well. We’re getting some very interesting offers. And did I tell you, I’m going to be the new face of Stay Slim?’ Milo had got him another advertising contract.

  I said, ‘Will Mam be in it too?’

  ‘No, not this one,’ he said. ‘But it’s lots of lovely money. And a free lifetime’s supply of diet products. I’ll have some sent to you.’

  I said, ‘Don’t bother. Nobody in this house has time to get fat. You might send some to Dilys, though. She’s tried carrot sticks but she never looks any different.’

  The first film he made was called Wheel of Fortune, with Brock Murphy and Nadine Gray. Sel played a singer in a nightclub. Played himself, really. Then, as soon as he’d finished filming he went back on the road, to Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas, with guest appearances by Mam and the dogs. But ticket sales were so poor for Houston they cancelled his second show and when the write-up of the film came out he had another disappointment:

  This tired offering has one of the strangest pieces of casting since Bette Davies played a cockney waitress. Mr Starlight, famously prone to getting locked in cupboards with Best Boys, plays Miss Gray’s lover with all the passion and conviction of a porky, lukewarm cousin. Don’t give up the day job, Mr S.

  The Stay Slim didn’t appear to be working.

  I said to Penri, ‘I think young Selwyn’s got problems. I think he’s peaked.’

  And Penri said, ‘It’s easily done.’

  I lost count of how many times Hazel saw that picture, though I didn’t care for it myself. Give me a good shoot-out or a car chase any day. Nadine Gray was a bit of all right, though.

  I said, ‘He’s risen too high too fast. He’s not had time to learn his craft.’

  He’d already started on another film, The Run-Around, but the doctor signed him off for a week, with a relaxed throat, and somehow he never went back. They replaced him with Mitch Moran and dubbed the songs. Then he lost his regular spot at the New Frontier because they were closing for demolition.

  I said, ‘Well, he’s had a good innings, for somebody with no proper training.’

  Hazel said, ‘What training? There’s no training for lighting up a theatre, Cled. Either you’ve got it or you haven’t. And he’s got it.’ Of course, Hazel had no experience of the cruelty of show business.

  I called him up. I said, ‘Whatever happens, you know you’ve always got a home he
re.’

  ‘What the hell for?’ he said. ‘I’m all right. I’m just resting up, enjoying my new hot tub, courtesy of Star Spa Inc., doing a little strategising. Watch this space, Cled. You’re gonna be seeing some exciting changes.’

  TWENTY-TWO

  ‘Milo’s putting out a press release later today,’ he said, ‘but I wanted to tell you myself. I’m getting married.’ Her name was Bliss Bellaire and he’d met her on the set of The Run-Around.

  I said to Hazel, ‘See? Now admit it. You were wrong about him having tendencies.’

  She said, ‘I’m admitting nothing. Anybody can get engaged.’

  I was happy for him, though. Sometimes it just takes a long time to find the right person.

  Dilys was over the moon. Pearl said if he was happy she was happy. Mam said, ‘She’s a bottle blonde, but I’m bearing up as best I can.’

  The wedding was going to be in Malibu, on the sun deck at Ocean Star, and Sel was acting like a girl, dizzy as a humming top, planning everything: jasmine and tuberoses, and a priest in pastel vestments.

  I said, ‘What’s wrong with a Register Office?’

  ‘No,’ he said, ‘I want God at my wedding. I want this writ in the Book of Life. Looking at the divorce rate around here, it strikes me folks need all the help they can get. And I want all of you here, too. I want Jennifer Jane to be a flower girl and Ricky to carry the ring cushion. I want it to be a real family occasion. And Celebrity Secrets are acquiring exclusive picture rights: the wedding, the honeymoon cruise, everything.’

  Hazel said, ‘I give it six months.’

  The engagement was in all the magazines, with pictures of them picking out the ring.

  Bliss was a beautiful-looking girl, ash-blonde and a lovely embouchure. She’d appeared in a lot of films, only nothing we’d ever heard of. When they asked her what had made her fall in love with Sel she said he was the most perfect guy she’d ever met, romantic, considerate, cultivated.