by Leil Lowndes
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I hadn't seen Dana in several years, but we recently found ourselves in the same town. She was performing at a small club near my hotel. I went to see her show and, after her act, we sat down to catch up on old times. I asked Dana how things had been going. "Lonely," she said. After all these years, she was still aching to meet Mr. Right.
I asked, "Dana, you meet so many men, and I know a lot of them are crazy about you. What are Although she meets hundreds of men every year, she hasn't found her Prince Charming.
you waiting for?" Dana said, "I'm waiting for the right man." "Who is the right man, Dana?" "Well, one who really loves me." she said. "I'm sure lots of men could love you. What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, love me the way I need to be loved."
"How do you need to be loved?"
That opened the floodgates. Dana spent the next two hours telling me her dream of how someday, in some club, hewould be there. They would make eye contact while she was singing. He would just stare at her the entire time, never taking his eyes off her.
After the show, he would invite her to his table. He would tell her she sings like an angel and listening to her was like hearing the voice of a
sirenthatcoulddrivehimtodestruction.Thephrasess,ing slikeanangeland sirenthatcould
drive him to destruction came up several times during Dana's melancholy monologue. These were obviously phrases that triggered a strong reaction in her.
I began to realize that Dana's description of being loved was very specific, and quite unusual. For Dana, being loved was having a man adore her almost to the point of self-destruction because her singing voice was so entrancing. Dana was indeed beautiful, but her singing voice left something to be desired. To insist that a man love her primarily for her music was a tall order, but that's what she wanted.
Dana and I explored further and it came out that, as a child, her mother used to tell her the story of the sirens, the singing sea nymphs who charmed sailors to their deaths. Dana
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told me she used to sing in the bathtub imagining that her toy ducks were drowning sailors spellbound by her beautiful voice. Strange? You bet. But, according to the testimonies I received at The Project, many women have an equally unusual twist to how they want to be loved.
Hunters, you may have met beautiful, accomplished women—women who could have anybody—yet are still alone. They tell their friends, "the right man hasn't come along yet." For them, this statement is true because their definition of "the right man" is very specific. It is important for a
womantobelovedinthewaysheneedstobeloved .
Recently I decided to add to The Project's research by asking my girlfriends how they envision being loved.
I was stunned by the diversity of their answers.
Another friend, Katharine, is forty-two years old and has never been married. She told me she wanted a man who would make her number one in his life, a man who would have no other people in his life who were more important to him. That included even past wives or current family members like children.
Katharine told me she realized hers was a difficult request, because most men her age had been married before and many had children. She told me she had broken up with her previous lover, Bill, because she felt he was too attached to his children by a previous marriage. Katharine knew her craving to be number one was unfair, irrational, but she couldn't let go of it.
We talked more, and Katherine told me she had come from a turbulent, broken family. Katharine remembered one fearful moment standing in the living room, gripping her mother's hand. Her father was shouting at her mother as he walked out the door for the last time, "You are not thenumber onepriority in my life anymore. Good-bye." While telling me this, Katharine put her hands over her ears as to shut out the horror of her father's words.
Seeing how moved I was by her story, Katharine shared an embarrassing secret with me. She said, when she was dating Bill, she had an image of herself and Bill's two daughters by a pre-Page 293
vious marriage on a sinking raft. In her nightmare, Bill would come racing out in a small boat to rescue them, but there was only room for one other person in the boat. Whom would he rescue?
In fact, she told me she once blatantly proposed this question to Bill. He rightfully said, "Katharine, that's not a fair question. There are different kinds of love.
You're the most important person to me in the woman category, but how can you compare tha t to love for my daughters?" Bill was right, of course, and Katharine knew it, but as ashamed as she was of her illogical need, it didn't go away. The fact that Bill wouldn't tell her she wansumber one was a big factor in her breaking up with him.
Katharine is now very much in love with a man named Dan, but Dan is more astute than Bill. He knows enough to say, "Kathy, you'renumber one in my life." Those words are like sexual trigger words to Katharine. She is hoping Dan proposes to her.
Some women's relationship fantasies are even more masochistic than Katharine's. Have you ever known a woman who always winds up with a bastard who treats her badly? This is such a common phenomenon that some men fear nice guys finish last. With those women, they do. Fortunate women are more realistic and have no strange twist on their relationship fantasies. They simply want a man who is loving, good, kind, and supportive, a good husband and father who will adore them, never look at another woman, and be faithful forever. (Come to think of it, how realistic tihsat relationship fantasy?) Love Her as She Needs to Be Loved
Women are more demanding than men in the qualities their partner must have. The recurring cry
"There are no good men out there" does not literally mean there are no good men out there. It means there is a shortage of men who fill that particular woman's definition goofod. Hunters, keep in mind that definition is very subjective.
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How close reality matches our relationship fantasies plays a big role in our lifetime happiness. One intriguing study explored how dating couples thought their partners loved them compared to how they wished their partners loved them.54
Let's say John and Sue were a couple who participated in this study. From their questionnaires, three scores were calculated: how John felt about Sue; how Sue would like her ideal lover to feel about her; and how Sue thought John felt about her.
When Sue believed that John loved herin the ideal way she wanted to be loved , she was happiest in the relationship. All the Johns and Sues were happiest when they felt their partners loved them in precisely the way they wanted to be loved.
Hunters, to capture your Quarry's heart, it's not enough to just make her feel loved. Figurheowshe needs to be loved— to what degree, for what qualities. Make her feel loved in precisely the way she
wants to be loved. You will beat out men who are stronger, handsomer, richer, and brighter than you.
Love and being loved is that important to a woman.
Magic Words to Make Her Love You
Just as using the right words to feed a man's sexual fantasy is crucial, Hunters must use the right words to feed a woman's relationship fantasy. How do you find the right words? By asking, listening, and keeping your antennae always tuned. Pick up signals when she is talking about past lovers, about her relationship with her parents, and about what she likes or dislikes about her various friends.
You might also need to find a way to cut to the core and excavate the kernel you need to plant the seeds of love. Ask your Quarry what love means to her.
Choose a relaxed moment, perhaps over a dinner at a restaurant, and then, lightheartedly, tell her you were reading a book about how everybody likes to be loved in different ways—how people have vastly different ideas of what a relationship should be.
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Simply ask her, ' If someone fell in love with you, how would you most like to be loved?' She may hesitate in embarrassment, but persist. You'll get your ammunition, your kernel. Ten women will give you ten different answers. A thousand women will give yo u
a thousand different answers. You'll be stunned at the diversity of the replies, but one thing will be consistent. With each woman, the same words will pop up several times.
Hunters, if you were trying to make my friend Dana fall in love with you, you would tell her, "Dana, your beautiful voice drives me to destruction ." If you had set your sights on Katharine, you would say,
"Katharine, you are number one in my life." Those are the trigger words, the golden keys, to open their particular hearts.
TECHNIQUE #82 (MORE FOR HUNTERS):
RELATIONSHIP TRIGGER WORDS
First, ask her "What is love?" to find out how your Quarry would most like to be loved.
While she is answering you, listen carefully for trigger words. Do not use them immediately, but when it comes time to say "I love you," weave in these special words.
Huntresses, Relationship Trigger Words Work for You, Too
Men also have specific ways of wanting to be loved.
However, there's an additional twist you can use to find out how your Quarry wants to be loved. Uncover his source of pride, and use the magic words that describe it.
One man might want a woman who loves him because he is brilliant. Another needs to feel he is sexually irresistible. Still
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another might yearn to be Peter Pan, who is loved for his boyishness.
A friend of mine named John, a lawyer, recently became engaged. John is very proud that he had brought himself up by his bootstraps. In fact, that's one of his favorite phrases, and I've heard him use it over and over. His father was a street cleaner, and John put himself though college and then law school.
One time John and I were talking about his fiancée, Lisa. He told me, "Lisa understands that I brought myself up by my bootstraps and admires me for that."
I thought to myself, "Does Lisa really admire that?
Or is Lisa a very smart woman who understands that is John's source of pride?"
Once I had a tenant, a handsome young police officer named Karl, who dated a lot of women. Knowing of my interest in relationships, he often told me about his girlfriend-of-the-week. Karl's recurring phrase was, "I think she really digs my style." Probably none of the girls he was dating actually said the words,
"Karl, Idig your style ," but if one of them was smart enough to pick up on those words, she'd be hitting his hot button.
Huntresses, make a man feel you love and admire him for the qualities he's most proud of. Chances are your Quarry has even inadvertently fed you the right words to use on him. Practically everybody has favorite relationship words. John'sbrought myself up by my bootstraps and Karl's digs my stylewere latchkeys to winning their love. Echoing those phrases back is taking direct aim at these men's hearts with your Cupid's bow.
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Every now and then Huntresses eat their hearts out and tear their hair out over confirmed bachelor Quarry—the older, attractive man who is single and never been married. You've met the type. You'd think he could have his pick. He dates beautiful women and he has affairs with them. But his relationships never last more than a couple of months. When his friends ask him what he's waiting for, he just smiles, shrugs, and says, "Oh, the right woman hasn't come along yet."
Is this type of bachelor Quarry lying? Is he determined to stay single until the day he dies?
Usually not. Usually, he's not lying and, yes, usually the right woman for him just hasn't come along yet.
What he doesn't tell you is that he meanssexually the right woman hasn't come along yet.
Jerry was the perfect example of the man-about-town everyone thought of as a determined, persistent, resolute bachelor. In fact, Jerry was the most eligible bachelor in his hometown social scene. He was good-looking, about forty, and very personable. He had an exciting job as the host of a local television talk show.
Sometimes Jerry's TV guests would even ask him on the air, "Jerry, when are you going to settle down?"
or, "Jerry, every woman in town is after you. When are you going
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to choose the lucky girl?" Jerry's answer was always the same: "The right woman hasn't come along yet."
Huntresses, if you should find yourself attracted to one of these never-been-trapped Quarry, your mathematical chances of being the one to bag him are pretty low unless you have some special ammunition—special weapons that other Huntresses don't have. Arme d with this special knowledge, you increase your chances of becoming the long-awaited
"right woman" for the Jerry-type confirmed bachelor.
I met Jerry while I was directing sexual research at The Project. I was a frequent "guest expert" on his show, and we became platonic friends. One night, after his show, we were having dinner
together at a restaurant near his TV station. When I asked Jerry the same question everyone asked him,
"Why hasn't the right woman come along?" he felt he could trust me. He spelled it all out.
It turns out Jerry had a secret, but he was so embarrassed about it that he could never tell anyone.
Wringing his hands between stabbing at his fillet of sole, Jerry whispered his deep dark secret to me:
"Sometimes when I'm in bed with a woman, I fantasize I'm the woman and she's the man. She takes charge and seduces me."
"So?" I said. "What's the big deal?"
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"The big deal is," he said nervously, looking around to make sure no one could hear him, "I picture myself wearing her clothes." He put his fork down and buried his face in his hands.
"Jerry, it's not that bad. That's a very common fantasy," I told him. His grateful smile was my reward for my exaggeration. Over the next few hours, Jerry loosened up and told me everything. He said that, whenever he goes out on a date with a woman, he throws out a few hints to see how she might react.
For instance, sometimes he'd look at his date's high-heeled shoes and say, "Hey, those are great-looking shoes. How do you think I'd look in them? Ha ha ha."
Jerry scrutinizes her reactionvery carefully . If she happens to say something like, "Oh, you'd took awful!" that actually
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shuts off Jerry's erotic interest in her. However, if she responds,
"Not bad," he considers that a good reaction and stays interested in her. If she says something further like,
"Oh, you'd look very pretty in high-heeled shoes,"
Jerry says he goes crazy with desire for her. That's how arbitrary some men's sexuality is!
A Huntress often turns a man off by failing to respond in a particular way to his sexual hints.
However, if the woman has no experience or knowledge in the area of offbeat fantasies, she can't be expected to give the right response.
The kinky stuff we've all read about in the tabloids and heard giggled about on the TV talk shows is baffling. Many people think all the men who want to play unusual sex games are a bunch of wackos who should all be locked up. What they don't understand is that it's not black-and-white, kinky or not kinky.
Many men have traces of unconventional desires—
not strong enough, or desperate enough, to make them go on a national talk show and humiliate themselves in front of the nation, but strong enough to hold out marrying a woman unless she accepts his kinky twist.
Jerry told me that, if his datedoesrespond positively to his hints, he takes things one step further. After several times in bed with his new woman, he'll suggest one night they do role reversal. "Tonight,"
he'll joke, "you be the guy and I'll be the gir ll. Go ahead, seduce me!" Most of his girlfriends, Jerry said, take a halfhearted stab at it. "But," he told me, "I can tell if she's not enjoying it. And if she doesn't, well, I can't help it. Sexually, I lose interest in her.
Whenever I find the right woman who enjoys dressing me up in her clothes, I'll marry her in a minute.' He's not kidding.
There are millions of Jerrys out there. They don't all want to dress up in your clothes, but they want some very un-vanilla flavors i
n their dishes.
Why Do Jerrys Want Such Far-Out Sex?
As we've seen, like the rest of our personalities, practically all of our sexual needs and desires have their roots in childhood.
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Under analysis their origins often come out, but some men don't need analysis to trace their sexual fantasies to their roots.
Jerry remembers one time when he was about five years old. His big sister and several of her little friends stripped him down naked and dressed him up in their lacy underwear. He remembers looking down at himself in girls' pretty panties and seeing a little bulge, his first erection. Jerry was humiliated by being controlled by the girls, but he loved the attention. It scarred his Lovemap forever.
Huntresses, keep your ears especially tuned to pick up hints of fantasy games involving control. This dominance/submission game is the most common exotic bud in men's secret gardens. It surprises many people but the truth is that, between the two, being submissive is a far more prevalent craving.
For women who have traditionally taken a more yielding role, being sexually submissive is no big deal. The classic "being taken" fantasy—the handsome stranger whisking her away in the middle of the night to his castle and having his way with her—is not embarrassing. However, if a man should have the concomitant fantasy of a strong woman tying him up to the bedpost and having her sexual way with him, he is mortified.
Why are fantasies of control so prevalent? Most little boys experience their first sexual pleasure early in life when Mother is still the center of the universe. As an infant, Mother bathes him, changes his diapers, spanks him, powders his little penis, and gives him enemas and all sorts of other intimate, unmanly attentions. Although Mother is his protector, she is also his first authority figure, his dictator. She punishes him when he does wrong. He is helpless and completely at her mercy, but he feels in his little heart that he has her undying love. Therein lies a great security.
As an adult, away from the control and protection of Mother, a man is left alone. All of us, whether we realize it or not, are continually searching for ways to cope with this feeling of being alone, of feeling alienated. Some men find solace in their sexual fantasies. If he can't have Mother back, he can Page 301
