I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  I put on my seatbelt as I get in. As soon as Toby gets in, he farts. I pretend to gag and stick my head out the window.

  “Toby,” my dad scolds him.

  “What?” he feigns innocence, and I shoot him an evil look. “I can’t help it. I’m gassy. And you would be too if you ate that nasty crap they try to pass off as food at school.”

  “You don’t eat lunch at school?” Dad asks me.

  “Normally I do. I just haven’t been hungry lately,” I answer. “It’s not a big deal.”

  Please don’t make this a big deal, I plead silently.

  “Kihanna, you need to eat.”

  “I do eat,” I tell him. “And what I’m going through is normal. Just… let me grieve the death of my mom in my own way.”

  “You can’t deal with it by shutting yourself off from the rest of the world,” he says. “You have to eat. I’m really worried about you.”

  “There is no need to worry,” I say with a sharp voice. “I’m a big girl, and I am very capable of taking care of myself. It hasn’t even been a week since Mom died. The fact that I’m out of bed is a complete miracle.” Though I am certain it has something to do with the anxiety medicine I have been taking every morning.

  Dad sighs but doesn’t say anything back. The rest of the car ride is awkwardly quiet. But finally, we get to the restaurant and walk inside. I’m thankful that it’s just us tonight, and not the Johnson family too. We all order our food, and then Dad starts off the conversation.

  “So, did you and Gabriel ever make up?” he asks me.

  Ugh, seriously? We are going to talk about my love life? “No, Dad. To be honest, we probably aren’t going to ever make up.”

  “That’s too bad. Gabe is a good kid.”

  I roll my eyes. “Dad, you were complaining about me being with him not too long ago…”

  Seriously? Now that we’re broken up he approves?

  “Yeah, but I can tell you really like him,” he says. “And he likes you too.”

  Toby snorts. “She’s completely in love with the boy, and he’s in love with her. She is being completely stupid.”

  “Can we just stop talking about Gabriel?” I ask angrily. “It doesn’t matter what you think I feel about him. What matters is that I… can’t be with him right now. In fact, I have a date Saturday night. With somebody else.”

  Toby chokes on his drink. “With who?”

  “Kasbian Hodge,” I answer.

  “Isn’t Kasbian the boy who ignored you because you started dating Ty?” Toby asks.

  I shrug my shoulders in response, and decide it’s time for a change of subject. “Are you going to Emmett’s party tomorrow night?”

  “Ugh, yeah,” Toby says. “Are you?”

  “Yeah.” Not like I have a choice. “Courtney and Emmett are dating now.”

  “I heard.”

  “You’re going to a party?” my dad asks.

  “Yeah,” I answer. “I thought it would be good to be around my friends in a non-school environment. Maybe if I pretend like my life is normal then it will actually be normal.”

  “Eventually you will have to deal with your pain,” Dad says.

  I know this, because I am dealing with it — all by myself. And I don’t have anybody that I can talk to. If I tell somebody, then I am putting their life in danger. I can’t do that. Most of the time I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal with it, but I have to. This is my reality right now.

  “Trust me, I am dealing with it,” I say.

  Thankfully the food comes at that moment, and nobody brings it back up.

  “I am so ready for Christmas,” Veronica says. I’m thankful for a lighter topic. “Hawaii is going to be nice this year.”

  Hawaii — I am going to like this. For two whole weeks there will be an ocean between me and my stalker. I won’t have to constantly be looking over my shoulder, and I will finally be able to breathe.

  “I am excited too,” I tell her. “I’ve never been to Hawaii before.”

  “You are going to love it. Maui is beautiful,” she says.

  We keep the conversation light through the rest of dinner. Nobody brings up my mom, nobody brings up the man that I shot, and nobody talks about my anxiety, which is nice. I need this. I need to pretend that I am completely fine, even if it is a lie.

  The truth is, I don’t know if I will ever be fine again.

  Friday, December 3

  5:32 PM

  Kihanna Fake Evers.

  After school on Friday, I invite Courtney over to help me pick out an outfit, or at least that’s what I tell her. I really invite her over so I can question her. I want to know if she is my stalker. It would explain her shady behavior lately, and ever since I found out her and Emmett were together it just makes sense… After all, that last note was on the back of a party invitation from Emmett. It can’t all just be a coincidence, right?

  As Courtney and I go through my closet, I try to think of a subtle way to start the conversation. How can I ease into such a heavy topic?

  “You should totally wear this,” Courtney says, holding up a dress that looks two sizes too small. I wonder what Veronica was thinking when she bought this dress for me. “Show Ty… or Gabe… whoever broke your heart… what they’re missing.”

  “Neither one of them broke my heart,” I lie. The more I tell lies, the easier it gets. I hate that I’m lying, but if she’s my stalker she knows that I am lying. “So what did you and Emmett do after homecoming?”

  “After the dance, Emmett got us a hotel room,” she says, blushing a little. “I generally only sleep with guys on the first date if I’m not interested in them. And I didn’t think I was interested in Emmett. I was surprised when he called me the day after the dance and asked me out on another date. I thought it was just a onetime thing. I didn’t expect him to fall for me, or me for him.”

  I’m listening closely for hesitation or maybe a change in her tone of voice, but I don’t hear any. At first I’m disappointed, but then I realize that’s stupid. I don’t want Courtney to be my stalker. But I do want to find out who it is.

  She tells me about her dates with Emmett over Thanksgiving break, and how she went to his house on Thanksgiving day for dinner since her dad bailed on her. He was supposed to fly here and take her out, but canceled last minute. (Literally — she called him when he was an hour late and he told her that he wasn’t coming). When she tells me that, I realize just how lucky I am to have my dad. Even though he works constantly, he’s there for me when I need him and he loves me unconditionally. I’ve grown so used to it, I almost forgot what it was like to not have a fatherly-figure in my life.

  Tonight, Courtney almost seems normal. Well, aside from the fact that she is extremely hyper. Even when she is just standing there, she is constantly moving her hands or bouncing up and down. I might not think anything about it, except she’s never been like this before. I wonder if she’s doing drugs. That would explain the erratic behavior. But, I don’t think she’s my stalker.

  When we first became friends, it was to take down Jacqueline, but over the months that kind of got pushed to the back and we became good friends. I just don’t think it could be her. Sure, she wants to take down the mean girl, but so do I. I’m pretty sure that’s every teenage girl’s dream in high school.

  But now I don’t know what to do about her behavior. I reconsider asking her if she’s on drugs, but I’m pretty sure that would be the end of our friendship if I did. Maybe I should wait for her to come to me. Or maybe I should go to somebody else?

  UGH — this is why I need my mom. I could ask her advice. She always knew exactly what to do, but I can’t ask her. Not anymore.

  “Are you okay?” Courtney asks, holding up another dress for me to approve.

  “Yeah,” I say, then shake my head. “No, not really. I am missing my mom.”

  “It’s okay to miss your mom,” she says. “You don’t have to pretend. It hasn’t even been a whole week since she died, and
you are acting like nothing ever happened. I think you need to deal with it. It’s okay to break down. It’s okay to cry. And it’s definitely okay to say that you miss her. If I lost my mom, I would be screaming furious with God, I’d be sad, and I would miss her like crazy. I don’t even know how you’re out of bed right now.”

  I have no idea how I am either, but right now I have to push forward. “My mom wanted me to be strong.”

  “I don’t think this is what she meant.”

  I know that Courtney is right, but now is not the right time to deal with it. I grab the dress from her hands. It’s red at the top and as it goes down it gets darker until it completely fades to black at the bottom. It has a sweetheart neckline, and it sparkles. It’s way too fancy for this party, but I feel like wearing it tonight. Plus — the sooner I put on this dress, the sooner we can not talk about me. I grab a pair of black ballet flats to wear with it. They’re simple, but I don’t feel like wearing heels tonight. They look surprisingly good with the dress.

  Courtney grabs her dress and we both get ready. I straightened my hair already this morning, so I just run my flat iron over a few spots that need straightened again. I re-touch my makeup, and then Courtney and I decide to leave for the party.

  “Wow, you look beautiful,” Veronica says when we meet in the hallway. “I love that dress.”

  “Thanks.” I smile at her, because I know she’s trying. I know that if it were up to her, I would probably be wearing different shoes with it and my hair would definitely be fixed a different way, but she doesn’t say anything about that. “We are going to Emmett’s party tonight. Toby is coming, so I’m going to ride over with Courtney and catch a ride back with Toby.”

  “Okay,” she says. “Your dad is working late tonight, but if you need anything, call me. I’ll come pick you up if you want to leave before Toby.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I tell her. I want to snap at her. I want to snap at everybody for treating me like a porcelain doll, but I know they’re just concerned for me. I just wish they wouldn’t be. I am completely fine. If they should worry about anybody it’s Toby. He’s the one who was shot. He’s still recovering.

  “Alright, Kihanna. Have fun tonight.”

  I follow Courtney out to her car, and we leave for Emmett’s party. The party that I don’t want to go to, but have to. I fake a smile. I fake everything. Because if I don’t, I will suffer the consequences… For some reason, I think suffering will eventually sound better than faking.

  Just call me Kihanna Fake Evers.

  7:01 PM

  A good bad girl.

  Courtney and I show up at the party just as it’s getting started. She soon ditches me to hang out with Emmett in his room. I can tell by the way they are looking at each other that they are going to do a lot more than just hang out.

  The party is small, as always — just a select few from our school. It’s almost like nobody wants to hang out with people outside our circle… like we’re some kind of elite group or something. Though, I suppose having extremely wealthy parents does make us different than everybody else. Not better — just different.

  I need a moment to clear my head before I start socializing, so I head outside. When I walk out the back of the house, I see Ty in the hot tub with Bay Young, one of Jacqueline’s best friends. She is straddling him. I’m not surprised, but it’s rather disturbing to see my ex-boyfriend hooking up with somebody else… especially considering he confessed his undying love for me just yesterday.

  I am about to turn around and walk back inside when Ty opens his eyes and sees me. He doesn’t stop kissing Bay, but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he knows he screwed up. Not that I was going to give him a second chance. I look at him for a second before turning around and walking inside. I am over his bull crap. With this look, I am letting him know that it’s really over. Maybe he will finally leave me alone.

  I turn around and walk back inside.

  The first person that I see is Gabe.

  Of freaking course.

  First Ty, then Gabe. Can I never get away from my ex-boyfriends?

  “Kihanna, wait!” I hear Gabe yell at me, but I keep walking. I hope that he doesn’t follow me. I don’t want to have to hurt him again. If only he knew that I was doing this to protect him… If only I could ask him to wait on me.

  Maybe I could.

  I can trust Gabriel. I know I can.

  I stop in my tracks. I turn to Gabe and whisper, “Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. Do not follow me, and make sure that nobody is following you.”

  He starts to say something else, so I cut him off.

  “Gabe, I’m not into you anymore. Get. Over. It,” I say loudly so everybody can hear, and then I walk off. I’m hoping that he actually comes to the bathroom. It’s time that I finally tell somebody about my stalker. I can’t keep doing this by myself. I can’t let my stalker have this kind of power over me… Besides, two heads are better than one, right? Maybe he can help me figure this out.

  I walk to the bathroom, and five minutes later Gabe shows up. As soon as he comes in I lock the door. He starts to talk, so I cover his mouth with my hand.

  “I have something to tell you, but it cannot leave this room,” I whisper. “Do you understand?”

  He nods his head.

  “I need you to whisper. I don’t want anybody to hear our conversation.”

  He nods again, and I uncover his mouth.

  I start to talk again when my phone goes off. I look down at the text message from a blocked number. On my screen is a picture of Jacqueline Hoff, but when I look closer I see that something is wrong. She’s pale, and there is blood coming out of her nose. I let out a gasp as I realize that she’s dead.

  I read the words below the picture.

  Tell anybody about me, and this will happen to you. Only it won’t be so quick and painless. I promise to make you suffer.

  Gabe tries to take my phone, but I yank it back and throw my phone into the toilet. There is no way that I can let him see that, and if we’re going to fight for my phone, I know that I couldn’t win. The best thing to do is destroy my phone so he can never see what was on that text.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “This was a mistake.”

  “Kihanna, what the hell was that?” he asks.

  I don’t reply, I just leave the bathroom. I obviously underestimated my stalker, and the price was a life. Part of me wants to scream and cry, but I can’t let the stalker see me weak. So I walk with my head held high. I will pretend that I’m strong enough to handle this.

  Jason is the first person I run into.

  “Sup?” he asks.

  “Hey. I need alcohol.”

  He smiles. “I so knew you’d be a good bad girl.”

  I roll my eyes. “The drink…”

  I follow him to the bar as Gabe comes up beside me.

  “Kihanna,” he says.

  I ignore him as Jason mixes me a drink.

  “Dr. Pepper and rum, right?” Jason asks.

  “Sure,” I answer.

  “Kihanna, you can’t ignore me. You have to tell me what the hell that was,” Gabe continues.

  I turn and look at him. “Right now, you need to get away from me, and you need to stay the hell away from me. If you don’t, something very bad is going to happen. If you love me at all, you will do as I say.”

  I can see the concerned look on his face, but he doesn’t question. He gets up and walks away.

  Gabriel Johnson is still in love with me, even after I’ve been a complete bitch to him. And I have to admit, I am still in love with him too. All that I am doing is to protect him. Now that I realize it, I have a reason to fight. Gabe is my reason.

  Jason hands me a red solo cup, and I take a drink. It’s definitely more rum than Dr. Pepper, and it burns all the way down.

  My stalker just declared war, and they don’t even know it yet.

  8:11 PM

  Spin the Bottle.

  We are all sittin
g in a circle with a glass beer bottle in the middle. We are about to play Spin the Bottle, which makes me feel like I’m thirteen, but I’m going to play. If this is the game the stalker wants to play, then I will play.

  “Why are we playing Spin the Bottle?” Ariana asks. “We haven’t played this since my twelfth birthday party.”

  “It sounds kind of fun to me,” Victoria says.

  Being forced to kiss somebody does not sound fun, but I keep my opinion to myself. I fake a smile, and say, “Who is first?”

  “Aw, are you finally going to get your first kiss?” Bay Young says in a fake-sweet voice.

  I don’t even care that she just said that. Mostly I’m wondering if she knows her best friend is dead. I feel bad for her.

  “Kihanna isn’t innocent anymore,” Ty says, glaring at Gabe.

  I feel bad for a few seconds, because I am the one who ruined their friendship, but then I remember that I have worse things to deal with than rivalries between two best friends… Like trying to stay alive.

  “At least she didn’t give herself to you,” Gabe says back. “That would be tragedy.”

  “Well, she was in love with me. You were just her rebound,” Ty says.

  Ugh, seriously? This again? Can’t they find something else to fight over?

  “I’ll go first,” Toby says, breaking up the argument. He scoots over to the bottle and spins it. It lands directly between Victoria and me. He winks at me, and then holds out his hand for Victoria. “I’m not kissing my sister, so it has to be you.”

  If this would have happened three months ago, I’m pretty sure Toby would have kissed me. Thank God it didn’t. Maybe me saving his life changed his mind about me, but he finally sees me as his sister and not as his live-in sex machine.

  Maybe I should ask him if he was joking before.