I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  Or, maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t think I want to know if he was serious or not.

  Toby, as always, makes a big show of things. He dips Victoria back slightly and kisses her hard. When I see tongue, I look away.

  Gross.

  Everybody is whooping and whistling at them. After what feels like forever, the kiss breaks and Victoria takes her seat beside me again. She is grinning from ear to ear, and I look at Toby and see that he is the same way.

  Victoria leans over to me and whispers, “Your brother is an amazing kisser.”

  Yeah, I so didn’t want to know that.

  Malika Sparks, one of Jacqueline’s best friends, goes next. She frowns as her bottle lands on Michelle Davidson. “I am not kissing a girl.”

  I can’t help it, I laugh.

  “You have to,” Emmett tells her. “It’s the rules. We can’t make an exception for you.”

  She huffs. Michelle gets up, not seeming to have a problem with kissing her. Though, from the glazed look in her eyes, I can tell she probably won’t remember the kiss in the morning. The second Michelle and Malika’s lips touch, a bunch of flashes go off.

  Oh God, I really hope I don’t have to kiss a girl. My dad would flip out if somebody posted a picture of me kissing a girl on Staying Connected.

  The kiss breaks much sooner than Toby and Victoria’s, and Malika is definitely not smiling.

  When it’s Emmett’s turn, he spins the bottle straight to Courtney. When Malika complains about him breaking the rules, he tells her his party, his rules.

  Next, Ty spins the bottle, and it lands on Malika. She definitely doesn’t complain about that. In fact, she looks like she enjoys their kiss.

  The whole time we are playing, I’m hoping that Gabe doesn’t have to kiss another girl. I could live with another guy, because Gabe’s not gay… But I seriously don’t think I could stand the sight of him kissing another girl.

  Finally, it is Gabe’s turn. He gives me a shy smile as he spins. Each time it spins around, my heart beats faster and harder. It begins to slow, and it stops pointing at me.

  I so didn’t expect that.

  Maybe I should walk out of here. But I don’t want to. Besides, I’m technically doing what my stalker told me to do. I am at the party, and Spin the Bottle has rules. I can’t break the rules.

  Oh, who am I kidding? I want this kiss. This kiss would be worth dying for.

  Gabe holds out his hand to help me up, and I take it. He has a huge smile on his face, and I’m trying very hard not to show how badly I want this kiss, but Gabe knows. He knows me better than anybody else, and I can’t lie or hide anything from him.

  “I love you, Kihanna,” he whispers in my ear, and then he kisses me.

  He kisses me like it’s the last time he is ever going to kiss me, and I think that it might be that last time he ever kisses me, so I enjoy every second of contact between us. I run my fingers through his hair, and he pulls me closer. It’s not close enough. We can never be close enough.

  I love how Gabriel tastes. I memorize it. I love how his hands feel on my lower back. It’s then that I really just how much I’ve missed this. I’ve missed him. And for a few moments, I forgot about my stalker. I forgot that this is just a game. And for the short time, I think maybe we can work this out.

  My mind goes back to earlier in the bathroom. I was going to tell Gabe the truth. Maybe I still can… Then I see Jacqueline’s pale face. She’s gone. And I can’t let that happen to Gabe.

  I pull back and look him in the eyes. I wish I hadn’t. One look and I know exactly what he’s thinking. He’s not giving up on us. I gave him hope. And I hate myself for it.

  I back away from Gabe, and sit down. I’m completely oblivious to everything going on around me. All I know is that I cannot spin that bottle. I don’t want to kiss anybody else, because it would ruin my perfect kiss with Gabe. My last kiss with Gabe.

  I’m trying to pay attention as the next person goes, but my mind is everywhere except the game. Mostly I’m mad at myself for letting a bully control my life. My mom would be disappointed in me. But I’ve tried. And look where that got me. Because of me, there are now two people dead — Nicholas and Jacqueline. My own stepbrother was shot. And I’m sad because I can’t be with Gabe. It makes me feel selfish, but I don’t care. He gives me a reason to fight. And fighting is the only thing that is going to get me through this.

  “It’s your turn, Kihanna,” Emmett tells me. Everybody is looking at me, and I can tell they must have called my name a few times.

  I turn to Emmett, feeling determined. Fuck my stalker. This is me fighting. “I’m sorry. I’m not feeling very good,” I say. And it’s the truth. “It must be the alcohol and anxiety pills together. I think I’m just going to go home.”

  Toby looks concerned, and he gets up. “I’m going to take her home.”

  Gabe gets up too. “Toby is my ride too.”

  Ha. How perfect is it that I’m leaving with Gabe?

  That is my middle finger, Stalker. You messed with the wrong fucking girl.

  10:17 PM

  I can never swim in that pool again!

  “I lied,” I tell Toby and Gabe as we get into Toby’s car. “I’m feeling completely fine, I just really wanted to get out of there. Now I want to do something fun.”

  “I can drop you off at Gabe’s car. You two look like you wanted some time alone in there,” Toby says.

  “No!” I yell. “Absolutely no alone time.”

  I may have just retaliated against my stalker in there, but I am not hanging out with Gabe alone. If I did, I’m pretty sure Gabe would be the next on the hit list. Though, I’m not sure why Jacqueline Hoff was even on that list. She hated me. I would’ve thought the stalker would’ve liked her.

  “Also,” I say, “do not update your Staying Connected. If you do just say you went home. In fact, hand me your phones.”

  Gabe and Toby look at me funny, but hand me their phones. The second we are on the highway, I throw both of their phones out the window of the car.

  “HEY!” Toby protests.

  “Sorry,” I tell them. “But nobody can know where we go.”

  “Geez, what are we doing? Robbing a bank?” Toby asks. “And I didn’t see your phone get thrown out the window. How come you get to keep yours?”

  Gabe turns to me. “Why did you throw your phone in the toilet earlier? What was on that text message?”

  “I…” I hesitate. Do I tell them? I know I can trust them, but if I tell them I would be risking their lives. I just can’t do that. “I can’t tell you.”

  “Oh, no. You have to tell us,” Toby says.

  “I can’t. It’s dangerous, and I don’t want to drag you both into it.”

  “Consider us officially drug into it,” Gabe says.

  “Fine,” I say, taking a deep breath. I probably shouldn’t tell them, but I need somebody to know. “When I first moved here I started getting notes from somebody. They weren’t anything serious. The first one told me to go home. I just thought it was Jacqueline Hoff trying to scare me. I had actually forgotten about the note when I got another one three months later… the night of the Halloween party… I went to my bedroom after the party and there was a note on my bed saying something like I warned you to leave, but now it’s too late.”

  “You slept on my couch that night,” Toby says. “I remember. You were pretty freaked out, but I thought it was because we watched that scary movie.”

  “Nope, that wasn’t it,” I say. “But even after that note I kind of forgot about it all. We went away for Thanksgiving and all was good. Until…”

  Toby cuts me off. “Thanksgiving night.”

  “Exactly. But I didn’t make the connection. The guy knew me by name, and said I should have left because they gave me fair warning.”

  “But you killed him,” Gabe says. “So that was the end of it, right?”

  “That guy was a hit man,” Toby answers. “Somebody paid him a lot of cash to break in
to our house that night.”

  I continue my story. “When I was in the hospital, I got a note with some roses. On the note it said ‘You only think you’re safe. I’ll get you next time, bitch’.” I can quote it word for word because I have read it so many times.

  “Why didn’t you tell somebody then?” Gabe asks.

  “I had just found out that my mom was sick, and I wanted to see her…” my voice breaks. “I thought that if I told anybody I wouldn’t get to go see her.” What a joke. She died before I could even get on a plane. My life is full of ironies.

  “No wonder you tried to overdose on anxiety pulls,” Toby says.

  “That’s not all of it,” I tell him. “On Tuesday I got another note telling me to stay away from Gabriel. It said if I didn’t that Gabe would be ‘buried eight-feet under’.”

  “I knew you didn’t hate me,” Gabe says smiling.

  Really? I just told him somebody wants him to kill him and he’s happy about it? “Are you delusional? I just told you somebody wants to kill you. Somebody who hired a hit man that killed Nicholas and shot Toby… Somebody who…” I stop. I haven’t told them the last part yet.

  “Somebody who what?” Gabe asks.

  “The text that I got in the bathroom tonight…” I answer, hesitantly. I don’t want to say the words out loud because that will make it real.

  “You can tell us,” Gabe says softly.

  “It was a photo of a dead body… Of Jacqueline Hoff’s dead body… And it said if I told anybody about my stalker, I would end up with the same fate as Jacqueline, except my death wouldn’t be quick and painless… It said that my death would be slow and torturous.”

  “And now I see why you threw your phone in the toilet,” Gabe says. “You didn’t want me to see that.”

  “I wasn’t going to tell you. Or anybody. I realize that I’m not only putting my life in danger… Now both of you are in danger.”

  “Hello,” Toby says, pointing at his stomach. “I still have a huge hole in my stomach. I’m pretty sure we passed danger about a week ago.”

  “Toby’s right,” Gabe says. “We are all in this together.”

  “How can we be in this together? I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody.” I remind them, then turn to Gabe. “And I’m not even supposed to talk to you.”

  “We can pretend we hate each other when we’re in public,” Gabriel says, like it’s the most obvious solution in the world.

  “There is a problem with that…” I bite my lip. I’m a little worried about tell him about the pictures, but I know I have to. He needs to realize that the stalker is everywhere — literally.

  “What is it?” he asks.

  “The note that I got about staying away from you… it was on the back of a photo. It was you and I at the cabin in the pool before Toby and our parents arrived.”

  Gabe’s face turns white.

  “What happened in the pool?” Toby asks, then suddenly yells, “GROSS! I can never swim in that pool again!”

  Gabe and I laugh, and it feels good. I can laugh, even in this desperate situation.

  “So there are pictures of you two… having sex?” Toby asks.

  “Yep,” I answer.

  “Okay, so we will pretend to hate each other everywhere. Even when we’re alone.” Gabe says. “But when I tell you that I hate you, know that I really love you.”

  This makes me smile. “I love you too.”

  Toby makes a fake gagging sound. “Where do I fit in to this whole thing?”

  “Just continue on as normal. Before you knew that I was hiding something, so pretend like I still am. Let’s make big dramatic scenes where everybody sees. I want this to be completely believable. I even want Dad and Veronica to think that I hate the two of you, and the two of you hate me.”

  Toby pulls the car up to the front of our house.

  “When we step out of this car, it begins,” I tell them.

  “Okay.” Toby and Gabe both agree.

  I feel better, because now I know that I’m not alone.

  I open my door and get out. “I hate you both!” I yell loudly, and then slam the door. I walk inside the house. Veronica says hi to me, but I just glare at her. I walk dramatically up the stairs, slam my bedroom door and flop down onto my bed.

  I think I’ve got this whole ‘I’m a teenager and I hate everybody’ thing down.

  Saturday, December 4

  8:32 AM

  Pretend fighting.

  Dad is taking the whole day off to hang out with Toby and me. I’m excited about spending time with him, but I’m kind of nervous. Toby and I made a pact to pretend like there is still a rift between us, and we have to continue acting that way in front of my dad. I am just hoping that we can pull it off.

  “What do you two want to do today?” my dad asks us as we leave to get breakfast.

  “We need new phones,” Toby answers.

  “What happened to your phones?”

  Toby looks at me, and pretends to be pissed off. “Kihanna got mad at me and threw my phone out the window of a moving car last night.”

  Dad sighs. It’s not an angry sigh. It’s a disappointed sigh, which is way worse. “Kihanna, what happened to your phone?”

  “I kind of dropped it in the toilet at Emmett’s party,” I answer.

  “Were you drinking?” he asks.

  Crap. I was drinking. And I want to lie, but I’m pretty much lying about everything else in my life. I can’t lie about this too. “A little, but not even enough to get tipsy.”

  “There are pictures of you and Gabriel kissing on Staying Connected. Does that mean that you’re back together?” he asks.

  Ugh.

  WHY does my dad have to be the creator of Staying Connected? Does nothing that I do on there go undetected by him? Most kids can hide posts from their parents, but not me. My dad sees all.

  “We are definitely not back together.” I try to sound disgusted. “We were playing Spin the Bottle, and Gabe’s bottle landed on me.”

  “It looked like you were enjoying it,” Toby says.

  I shoot him a shut the hell up look. “There was absolutely no enjoying going on.”

  “Gabe sure enjoyed it,” he says. “You broke the poor guy’s heart.”

  Oh my God, really? This is how it’s going to be?

  Memo to self — tell Toby to tone down the dramatics just a little bit.

  “You shouldn’t lead him on,” Dad tells me. “If you don’t like him, tell him and be done with it. You can’t change your mind and kiss him just because you feel like it.”

  Somebody shoot me.

  “I’m not leading Gabe on,” I say. “He knows exactly how I feel about him. It’s not my fault that he can’t take a hint. I kissed him because of the game, nothing else. He knows it. I know it. And now you know it. Let’s move on.”

  “Speaking of moving on,” Dad says. “I invited Jack and Gabe to spend the day with us. I hope you don’t mind.”

  I force myself not to smile, because I am going to enjoy every second of the day. But I can’t let Dad know that. So instead, I roll my eyes. “It will be kind of hard for Gabe to move on if you keep inviting him to all our family outings.”

  “I believe you were warned about dating him,” Toby says. “Something about if you broke up, it would be awkward. You knew that he was a part of the family before you fucked him.”

  Yeah. Well, it wasn’t awkward until he brought up the fact that Gabe and I had sex. “Shut up, Toby. Nobody asked your opinion. Besides, it’s not my fault we broke up. It’s his. It’s also not my fault he changed his mind after dumping me. I’m not going back to somebody who changes his mind every other day.”

  “You’re the first girl he’s dated since Lily, and he freaked out for like two seconds,” Toby says. “He’s freaking in love with you, but you’re too into yourself to see that.”

  “Toby, that’s enough,” Dad says. “If Kihanna doesn’t want to date him, that is her decision. She’s been through a lot
. Give her some time to breathe.”

  “You know, I was there too! That night is hard on me too,” Toby says. “I’m the one who was shot. Or are you forgetting? Maybe it’s just that you just like Kihanna more because she’s actually yours biologically, and I’m just the stepson.”

  Okay, either Toby is a really good actor, or he really feels that way. I will have to ask him later, because what he’s saying isn’t true. I know my dad loves him as if he were his own.

  “You know that’s not true, Toby,” Dad says.

  “Well, it sure feels that way.”

  The rest of the ride to the restaurant is quiet, which is fine with me. I hate fighting with Toby, even if it just just pretend.

  Now I get to spend the rest of my day pretend fighting with Toby and Gabe. Joy.

  9:07 AM

  My end is just the beginning.

  Dad sits by Jack, Gabe sits on the other side of Jack, and Toby sits on the other side of Dad which leaves one seat open — right between Gabe and Toby. I feel like screaming as I take a seat between them. Really? This is how they’re going to play? I really don’t want to pretend fight all the way through breakfast… Now I have no choice.

  “I hate you,” I tell Gabe as soon as I see him. I’ve missed him.

  “The feeling is mutual,” he says, smiling just a little.

  I turn to Toby. “Why do you get to sit by Dad?”

  “Oh, you wanted to sit here?” he asks sweetly.

  I nod my head.

  “Too bad.” He glares at me.

  Really, Toby? Fine. I’ll bite. “I’m pretty sure Dad would rather me sit there too. I’m his favorite, remember?”

  Toby almost laughs, which makes me want to laugh. I pretend to be interested in my menu, and use it to hide my face… Maybe pretend fighting won’t be all that bad. The three of us know that it’s not real.

  Dad and Jack are off both too busy talking about bear hunting in Alaska to pay attention to the three of us. Toby and I knuckle bump under the table.

  “Maybe next time you could fake a tear or two,” I tell him.