Max Rage: Twelve Punches To Mars!

by Jake Bible

  “We could be a lot more careful if I had Lawrence and Ned with me,” Jack Connor, King of Mars. “The trips we’ve taken together…”

  “You start crying again and I’ll snap you in half,” Rage said.

  “There is no need for that, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I do not want you to break any more of me. Losing my teeth is hard enough. I will need to seek out a proper dentist as soon as we are away from this accursed planet. Do you know a good dentist on Earth, Maximillian Rage?”

  “My teeth fix themselves.”

  “That’s convenient.”

  “It has its advantages.”

  They continued down the tunnel until they reached the bend. Rage held Jack Connor, King of Mars back to make sure there weren’t a thousand mole people or a bunch of whacked-out Scorchers waiting for them. The coast was clear and Rage led them on until they reached a very sketchy, very tall ladder.

  “Gonna be a bitch of a climb,” Rage said. “You up for it, Jackie Boy?”

  “I am very fit,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Do I not look fit?”

  “Yeah. You look fit,” Rage said and grabbed onto the ladder. “Let’s get the fuck out of this underground shit show.”

  “That is a fine plan, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said, following closely behind. “A fine plan.”

  Thirty-Six

  The ladder had to have been close to three hundred stories. It was barely secured to anything, with only a few rods and bolts here and there to keep it from snapping off and sending Rage and Jack Connor, King of Mars tumbling back down into the subterranean shit show below.

  But Rage had no intention of tumbling anywhere. He hated tumbling. Never was a summersault kind of guy, even as a kid.

  When they finally reached the top, Rage was not surprised to see a basic door. Not a hatch, not a manhole cover, but a door. With wood paneling and a sign that read, “Knock First.”

  Rage leaned up against the door and listened.

  “There is a lot of shit going on up there,” Rage said. “Plenty of movement. Boots marching everywhere. Equipment being lugged. People are shouting orders in a few different languages.”

  “Can you understand them?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked.

  “Barely. Not enough to know who it is up there,” Rage said. “I can say it’s not Earth Corp. They bark like little dogs.”

  “Like Pomeranians?”

  “What?”

  “Those are little dogs. Pomeranians.”

  “Sure. Like Pomeranians. But that’s not what I’m hearing. So it’s not Earth Corp.”

  “Why does Earth Corp speak Pomeranian?”

  “What? They don’t! Shut up!”

  “No need to be rude. It has been a trying day for me and that climb was awful even with me being in such great shape.”

  “Not Earth Corp and not Scorchers,” Rage said, ignoring Jack Connor, King of Mars. “I know what violence and chaos sound like. Haven’t heard a single death cry.”

  Rage listened some more then grabbed the doorknob.

  “It does say to knock first,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said as he peered around Rage.

  “I’m not knocking,” Rage said and turned the handle.

  He shoved the door up, since up was the only way it could go, but it stopped after only a few centimeters. All Rage could see where the bottoms of crates and dozens of boots of different types running this way and that. That didn’t help him much.

  “What’s wrong?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked.

  “Door’s blocked,” Rage replied and held up a finger. “Do not say it’s because I didn’t knock. Something weird is going down up here.”

  Rage put his shoulder to the door, braced his legs on the ladder, then shoved with all of his strength. Whatever had been on the door was no longer on the door. It went flying into the air as Rage threw the door open and let it fall against the ground. He climbed up out of the ground and grimaced at the many faces that stared at him, none too pleased to see him.

  Rage was even less pleased to the see the faces. Especially since many of them wore goggles. Not mole people goggles, though.

  Velpoohian goggles. Goddamn space pirates…

  “Rage!” a voice filled with anger and disgust cried. “What in the Hell are you doing here? Why is it I can never seem to get rid of you?”

  “Tatti,” Rage said and sneered. “What’s a space pirate vampire like you doing on Mars? You hate Scorching Dude.”

  “Racist!”

  “Why is he so intolerant?”

  “He’ll probably kill us all and blame us for our deaths like bigots do!”

  “Bigots do that?”

  “Yeah! They suck!”

  “Bigots do suck!”

  “You suck, Rage!”

  “Bigot!”

  “Racist!”

  “Why are they calling you that, Maximillian Rage?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked as he climbed up through the door.

  The Velpoohians all paused. Every single one of them stopped mid-task. They stared at Jack Connor, King of Mars.

  Then burst out laughing.

  Jack Connor, King of Mars laughed with them.

  “They are a jovial bunch,” he said after several chuckles. “What’s so funny?”

  “You are,” Tatti said.

  Closely shorn black hair, almost pure white skin, and beautiful almond-shaped eyes that were sparklingly violet, Tatti grinned and all beauty that her eyes may have possessed was lost as she revealed a set of deadly looking fangs.

  “What are you wearing?” Tatti asked.

  “What any self-respecting King of Mars wears,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “A good and proper loincloth.”

  “Like you idiots should be laughing at what anyone wears,” Rage said to the Velpoohian crowd.

  The scavengers, their eyes covered with grease-smeared goggles, turned back to Rage and snarled in unison. Dressed in layers of what looked like rags, the scavengers gave off a very post-apocalyptic vibe. They really seemed committed to the space-grunge look.

  “Racist!”

  “I called you idiots, not pirates,” Rage snapped.

  “Oh. Sorry…”

  “Did you say you were King of Mars?” Tatti asked, shoving past some of her crew to get up close to Rage, who blocked her from getting up close to Jack Connor, King of Mars.

  Rage knew Tatti well enough that if she really wanted to, she could rip Jack Connor’s throat out faster than Rage could stop her. Not that it would be bad to have Jack Connor, King of Mars throatless, which meant voiceless, but dead wasn’t good either.

  “Back it up, bloodsucker,” Rage said and placed a hand on Tatti’s chest. The Velpoohians instantly began shouting and yelling at Rage. “Oh, shut up! Don’t get your goggles in a twist! Your boss and I have a routine!”

  “Getting sick of the routine,” Tatti said and pushed Rage’s hand away. “Getting tired of you always showing up to get in my way when I have a good gig going. Why are you here, Rage?”

  “Not to mess with whatever your scavenger plans are,” Rage said. “I’m guessing you got a heads up that shit was going down on Mars and you could play clean up and, well, clean up.”

  “We got a tip,” Tatti said. “A very reliable tip.”

  “From Nargle Boof?” Rage asked.

  Tatti didn’t answer, but by the way her violet eyes widened, he guessed he was right.

  “You do whatever it is you want to do,” Rage said. “Me and Jackie Boy are gonna be on our way.”

  “Not so sure that’s what I want you to do,” Tatti said. “Jack Connor, King of Mars might fetch a nice price on the intergalactic market. Royalty always gets a premium.”

  “Do what now?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked. “Maximillian Rage? Is she talking about kidnapping me, putting me into bondage, and possibly selling me as a slave? You would not let her do such a thing, would you, Maximillian Rage?”

  “She’s not taking
you anywhere, Jackie Boy,” Rage said. “Tatti is being Tatti. What do you want, Tatti?”

  “Nothing from you, Rage,” Tatti said and pointed at Jack Connor, King of Mars. “I honestly want him. I happen to have a buyer lined up for royalty. Random conversation a few weeks ago that I didn’t think would ever mean a damn thing. Now it does. You can go, Rage, but the king stays here.”

  Rage sighed.

  “Tatti, Tatti, Tatti,” Rage said and shook his head. “You know your people can’t fight worth shit.”

  Rage pointed at five massively muscled pirates that stood a foot taller than he did.

  “Even those guys are gonna get hurt,” Rage continued. “You all can scavenge better than anyone in the galaxies, but when it comes to close combat, you really suck.”

  “You suck, Rage!”

  “Yeah!”

  “Poop face, ragey head!”

  “Nice one.”

  ‘Thanks.”

  “Shut up!” Tatti shouted and her Velpoohians shut up. “Rage. Just go. We’ve had a nice truce since our last unfortunate encounter. How about we keep it that way? You walk off, leave the king, and if we ever have to suffer through another meeting, there will be no bad blood between us.”

  Tatti looked Rage up and down.

  “And you ain’t looking so hot right now, Rage,” she continued. “Clothes all torn up and no dual plasma, laser-guided hot rocket launching, never-empty Axis combat rifle. Damn, Rage, you don’t even have a pistol on your hip.”

  Rage shrugged.

  “Luxuries,” Rage said. “I won’t need them.”

  “You sure he’s worth it?” Tatti asked.

  “Are you sure he’s worth it?” Rage countered. “Look around, Tatti. With the Scorchers going berserk, Mars is a scavenger’s dream come true. You have more crap to haul off than you have probably seen all year long. I take Jackie Boy with me, you take all this equipment and loot with you, and we stay friendly enemies.”

  “It’s called being frenemies!”

  “Yeah, loser, get with the lingo!”

  “And he calls us poop faces! Ha!”

  “He didn’t! We called him a poop face! He called us idiots!”

  “What a jerk!”

  Rage lifted one eyebrow and smiled at Tatti.

  “Your call,” he said.

  “We have weapons, Rage,” Tatti said. “We will shoot you down.”

  “Weapons are only good if you can keep ahold of them,” Rage said. “How fast do you think I’ll strip those pistols off that moron’s belt over there and jam them up his ass? Care to wager? Five seconds? Three?”

  A very tall and skinny Velpoohian laughed then looked about. Everyone was staring at him.

  “What? He’s not jamming my pistols up my butt,” the Velpoohian said, but didn’t exactly sound confident.

  “I’ll count to three and you’ll want to move before I get to three,” Rage said to Tatti.

  “I’ll count to three and you’ll want to hand over the king before I get to three,” Tatti said to Rage.

  Neither moved.

  “One,” they said in unison.

  The Velpoohians began pulling pistols from holsters, rifles from their backs, knives from sheaths. Jack Connor, King of Mars began to whimper.

  “Two,” Rage and Tatti said.

  Pistols were raised, rifles were put to shoulders, knives gleamed in the light. Jack Connor, King of Mars gulped loudly.

  “Three!” Tatti and Rage shouted.

  Thirty-Seven

  Tatti leapt at Rage. Rage ducked then shoved up with his legs, hitting Tatti in the midsection and sending her flying head over heels past him and Jack Connor, King of Mars.

  Then the shooting started.

  “Down!” Rage yelled and threw Jack Connor, King of Mars to the ground just as several rifles blasts nailed Rage in the arm, the side, the leg, and the shoulder. “Fuck!”

  The blasts hurt like hell, and tore a good amount of flesh off and scorched even more, but Rage was waiting for the attack and had braced himself. He dropped to a knee, picked up the closest item at hand, which happened to be a socket wrench, even though there were no other tools anywhere even close, and threw it at the head of the closest Velpoohian.

  The socket wrench went straight through the space pirate’s left eye and out the back of his head then pierced the skull of the space pirate behind him. The two fell and Rage rolled his scorched and wounded body over to the fresh corpses, relieved them of their weapons, which happened to be one laser rifle and two laser pistols, stood, and opened fire.

  “No fair!” someone shouted before they screamed as Rage put a blast between her eyes.

  Rage waded into the crowd of enraged and attacking Velpoohians, but no matter how many came at him, Rage managed to keep them back enough that he only got the occasional knife stab to the legs or ribs and laser blast to the chest. His body went into overdrive and repaired him at a rate that would have surprised anyone except Rage. After the beatings and damage he’d already taken, Rage had a feeling that his Earth Corp approved genetics were about to dig deep and really put on the healing.

  It’d happened before on many a planet during many a campaign. He’d pay for it in the morning, he knew that too, but for the moment, the Velpoohians had made a very big mistake. A very big mistake they were all dying over.

  “You want some? Huh? DO YOU?” Rage yelled, shooting the googles, then the face, off an attacking Velpoohian. “How was that?”

  Hey!” Rage shouted at a Velpoohian that had changed her mind and turned to flee. “Where are you going?”

  He shot the backs of her thighs off.

  “You! You look thirsty!” Rage snarled. “HOW ABOUT A BIG CUP OF RAGE!”

  Rage shot the Velpoohian in the mouth.

  Rage didn’t stop until the pistols powered down and then he only paused long enough to pull the rifle from his back and continue the Velpoohian slaughter. When that rifle powered down, Rage picked up two more and double fisted his way through the now panicked and retreating crew of space pirates. None cared about the loot they’d come for, all they cared about was to get as far and fast away from the murderous monster that pursued them.

  Most didn’t get very far at all.

  “STOP!” Tatti roared. “RAGE! JUST FUCKING STOP!”

  Rage did not stop. Several dozen more Velpoohians were butchered before the two rifles Rage held stopped firing.

  Tatti tackled Rage about the waist and they fell hard, putting a dent in the Martian ground.

  “STOP!” Tatti shouted in Rage’s face as she straddled his chest.

  “NO!” Rage shouted back and bucked her up off him.

  Tatti flew into the air, but managed to do a back flip and land on her feet. She came down in a crouch, throwing a hard, fast, right hook into Rage’s face as he sat up. The lower part of his jaw came unhinged and it was only the tendons and flesh that kept the bone from flying right off his head.

  “Fuck!” Rage shouted, although it was impossible to understand the word since Rage’s jaw was not working properly. But everyone got the gist.

  He grabbed his face and held his lower jaw in place for a second until his body reattached it for him.

  “Jesus Christ, Tatti,” Rage said and worked his mouth a few times. “Where’d you learn that?”

  “I’ve been training,” Tatti said. “Just in case I met up with you again.”

  “You learned how to knock someone’s jaw off just because of me?” Rage asked and slowly got to his feet. The few Velpoohians he had not killed scurried for cover behind anything that would give them enough cover. “Oh, calm the fuck down. Fight’s over.”

  “Is it?” Tatti asked. “Are you done, Butcher of Bumbletown?”

  “Butcher of Bumbletown?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked. “That was you? Even I have heard of that massacre.”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars shook his head back and forth slowly.

  “I am beginning to think you are not a man of good character,
Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars continued. “What you have done here was making me wonder, but now that I know you are the one that did to Bumbletown what was done to Bumbletown.” He kept shaking his head. “Yikes.”

  “Fuck your yikes,” Rage said. “I have never claimed to be anything other than me. So both of you can fuck off.”

  “I will fuck off when you say you are done, Rage,” Tatti said. “Are you done?”

  “You gonna try to take Jackie Boy here?” Rage asked.

  “Not any longer,” Tatti said.

  “Then I’m done,” Rage said. “Come on, Jackie Boy. Time to go.”

  “That’s it?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked. “That is all you are going to say after doing… all this?”

  “All what?” Rage asked and looked about at the sea of corpses before him. “What? This? They started it!”

  “Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “You are a true and awful killer.”

  “Oh my fucking God!” Rage shouted. “Why is everyone always up my ass about how many people and aliens, and whatever that guy there is, I’ve killed? Huh? Do you think I like doing all this killing? Do you?”

  Tatti pursed her lips and glared at Rage. Jack Connor, King of Mars continued to shake his head.

  “Okay, yeah, maybe I do like to kill blindly without thought or feeling or remorse or any sense of nausea when I do that to someone.”

  Rage pointed at a Velpoohian that had been twisted and tied into so many knots that he looked like a third grader’s friendship bracelet.

  “Yes. That is some masterwork right there and if there ever was a killing Olympics, I’d take fucking gold every damn competition, but does that make me a bad guy? I’m just doing what I was designed and trained to do, that’s all. And I didn’t even want to do it! I warned you, Tatti! I fucking warned you that this is what was going to happen! All I wanted to do was get from here to the closest docking bay and find a custom-built XeneX 323 Deuce so I can get the fuck off this piece of shit planet!”

  Tatti blinked. “A custom-built XeneX 323 Deuce with dual-quad quantum drives? Probably with a plasma booster in each valve, if I know my couplings?”

  “What? Yeah,” Rage replied. “You saw it?”