Max Rage: Twelve Punches To Mars!

by Jake Bible

  “Does it have thirty-six sharp guns and a rail of rocket launchers?” Tatti asked.

  “That’s what I was told,” Rage said. “Have you seen it or not?”

  “If she has not seen it, Maximillian Rage, then she is making a very good guess right now as to its appearance,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said.

  “It’s that way,” Tatti said and pointed her chin toward the Martian east. “Half a click off is the docking bay area. Not a lot of ships there on the landing pads anymore. Most bailed when things got weird and the rest took off when my people started landing in volume. After you blew our ship up, and killed pretty much my whole crew, I decided we’d be more of a convoy from now on. That way one bomb can’t take us all out.”

  She studied the death that surrounded her.

  “But I guess even that wasn’t Rage-proof enough.”

  “I believe there is no such thing as Rage-proof,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “He is like a force of nature. Not unlike my good friend Lawrence.”

  “Here we go again,” Rage muttered.

  “Lawrence? What’s a Lawrence?” Tatti asked.

  “Not a what, but a who,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “He was my trusty trident.”

  “Trident? Like a weapon?” Tatti asked and looked at Rage. “That’s a what, right? I’m not crazy?”

  “No, he’s crazy,” Rage said. “Jackie Boy! We’re heading out now! Shut up about Lawrence and get to stepping. We don’t have any time to waste. They could be leaving as we fucking stand here and jabber our jaws!”

  “You’re gonna leave me here all alone, Rage?” Tatti asked. “After what you did?”

  “What do you mean by all alone?” Rage asked and swept a hand at the Velpoohians. “You still have like…uh…one or… Huh…”

  Everyone was dead. The few Velpoohians that Rage hadn’t killed and had tried to get away didn’t make it far. Rage may not have killed them, but he wounded them all pretty badly. So they died. Which, in the end, meant Rage really did kill them it just took longer than the others.

  “I am good at killing,” Rage said, almost apologetically. Then he rolled his eyes at Tatti. “You have plenty of ships of your own. Are you alone now? Yes. Again because of me? Yes. But I’m not leaving you. You can take off from Mars anytime you want.”

  “And do what, Rage?” Tatti asked. “No one will want to be a Velpoohian when they know all it takes is one damn random encounter with Max Rage and it’ll be all over. I’m out of a job.”

  “Bullshit,” Rage scoffed. “There are more idiots in the galaxies than ever before, in my opinion. You can sucker at least another hundred or more to follow you around the systems and scavenge shit instead of getting real jobs.”

  “I hate you so much, Rage,” Tatti said.

  “Which you tell me every time we meet,” Rage said and tipped two fingers to his brow. “Until next time, Tatti. A pleasure as always.”

  Rage walked off.

  Jack Connor, King of Mars gave Tatti a weak smile, hesitated, then took off after Rage.

  Thirty-Eight

  The walk was easy. The intense silence was not.

  “I never thought I’d say that you keeping your mouth shut would be worse than you talking,” Rage said. “Just say what’s on your mind, Jackie Boy.”

  “I am unsure I should leave with you, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Until I met you, the biggest drama in my life had to do with Lady Stardust and whenever a mole person would get stuck in a hole too small for his or her butt. So far, I have witnessed more death and destruction being with you than I thought could be possible.”

  “I’m a shit magnet,” Rage said with a shrug. “So sue me.”

  “I am between lawyers at the moment, so legal action is not a viable option,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “But I do have doubts about my safety if I remain in your presence for much longer.”

  “Are you kidding me with this?” Rage snapped, but didn’t stop walking. “The only reason you are here is because you wanted me to get you off Mars in exchange for helping me get back to the surface. But you know what, Jackie Boy? You haven’t really helped me with shit!”

  “Garbage chute,” Jack Connor, King of Mars stated.

  “What?”

  “I directed you to the garbage chute which is how we made our escape.”

  Rage started to respond then closed his mouth and kept on walking toward the docking bay. He could easily see a few ships parked up ahead on the landing pads and he hoped one of them was the XeneX 323 Deuce and everyone was still here.

  “Yet,” Jack Connor, King of Mars continued. “Despite all of the death and destruction, none of it has befallen me. You kept your promise of getting me away from the mole people. You even took me on a ride inside a Sphuncter which I did not ever think I would do. Not willingly, at least. So that was a new experience. And when the Velpoohians tried to steal me, you fought them off. Did you kill every last one? Yes, which is slightly unfortunate, but I am grateful I will not be sold into slavery. Yes, it probably would have been sexual slavery because I am a king, specifically the King of Mars, and I do have a body that many find attractive, even with the broken teeth, or simply because of the broken teeth, but sexual slavery is still slavery. The word slavery is in both.”

  “Slavery is the only word in slavery,” Rage said then mentally chastised himself for engaging in the idiocy.

  “Very true, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Very true indeed. But what I am trying to say is despite your obvious homicidal bloodlust and ability to kill at a rate that is mind-boggling, you have done right by me. So I forgive you.”

  Rage stopped walking, turned on his heel and glared at Jack Connor, King of Mars.

  “You forgive me? For what?” Rage asked.

  “For breaking my teeth and being rather rude all the time,” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied.

  Rage started to argue then scrunched up his face, took a deep breath, let it out, and nodded. “Fair enough. Are you done talking?”

  “Probably not,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said.

  “At least you’re honest about it,” Rage responded. “Come on. Let’s find that ship.”

  They walked on until they came to the edge of the docking bay filled with landing pads. It didn’t take a lot of detective work to figure out which ship was Choosper’s. First, it was the largest on the pads and had several weapons sticking out from all angles. Second, it had the name “The Rage” painted on the side in a bright pink, cursive flourish. There was no third. The first and second indicators were enough.

  “It’s not even started up,” Rage said. “They must not have gotten here yet.” He frowned. “That’s not good.”

  “Why is it not good?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked. “That means they have not left without us. Also, we could make snacks and mix drinks as a fine welcome to them when they do arrive.”

  “No snacks. No mixed drinks. Drinks straight up, yeah, but no mixers,” Rage said. “And the drinks are for me, not them.”

  Rage moved across the landing pads, navigating between the other ships, and Jack Connor, King of Mars followed. When they reached The Rage, Rage tried to activate the side hatch, but a small alarm sounded and an automated voice said, “Unauthorized entry. Go away or authorities will be notified.”

  “Oh, dear, we don’t want that,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said.

  “Look around, Jackie Boy, Mars is toast. No authorities are coming,” Rage said. “Not that that news helps us get inside this ship, though.”

  “Could we not sit down on the landing pad and wait?” Jack Connor, King of Mars suggested. “A rest does sound nice.”

  “We don’t rest until we’re off this planet,” Rage said. “And considering the time that’s gone by since I got split off from everyone, the fact that they aren’t here is bad news. Something happened to them.”

  “Look,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said.

  “Yeah, loo
king for them is a good idea,” Rage replied. “But where? We got lucky we even found this ship. Everyone else could be anywhere on this fucking planet. Where do we start looking?”

  “No, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said and pointed past the landing pads. “Look!”

  Rage followed the pointing finger and growled low. He looked and didn’t like what he saw.

  “Scorchers,” Rage said. “A lot of Scorchers. And they look hopped up and ready to fight.”

  “You killed all those Velpoohians,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Why are you worried about the Scorchers?”

  “There are about three times the numbers,” Rage explained. “And the Scorchers are all messed up by nanites. I’ve fought them and eventually they take you with their numbers because they don’t always go down when you punch through their bellies or rip their arms off. Shit, some keep fighting without heads, but that depends on the race.”

  “Oh,” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded, looking a little green. “Thank you for explaining that.”

  Rage turned back to the ship. “We need to get inside and start this baby up. Then we might be able to scan for Choosper, if scanners work. It’s her ship and it must have a rescue protocol.”

  “Did you say Choosper?” the voice from the ship asked. “Captain Choosper?”

  “Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said sotto voce. “I think the ship is talking to us.”

  “I’m not talking to you, leather britches,” the ship said. “I’m talking to the muscle boy there. Did you or did you not say Captain Choosper’s name?”

  “I did,” Rage said. “I’m working with her and she’s probably in trouble. Let us in so we can go find her and the others and get them out of whatever trouble they’ve found themselves in.”

  “I cannot let you in,” the ship said. “I am programmed to only allow Captain Choosper access. And one other, but the odds of that person ever showing up are pretty slim. I am devoted to Captain Choosper, but she does have a bit of an obsession. You see what she named me?”

  “The Rage,” Rage said and grinned. “After me.”

  “I’m sorry, what?” the ship asked. “What was that about me being named after you? Impossible. You are not Max Rage.”

  “Yeah. I am Max Rage,” Rage said. “Ask this guy.”

  “And who is this guy?”

  “Jack Connor, King of Mars.”

  “Get the fuck out of here!” the ship exclaimed. “You’re telling me that out of all the landing pads on this planet, not only does Max Rage find me, but he brings the legendary Jack Connor, King of Mars with him? Get. The. Fuck. Out.”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars tugged at Rage’s arm. “The ship has asked us to get out. I appreciate the flattery it has bestowed upon me, but it will not allow us inside and those Scorchers are getting too close for my comfort. We should run, Maximillian Rage.”

  “Run? Sorry. I didn’t explain right,” the ship said and the side hatch opened so a set of steps could descend to the landing pad. “Get your asses inside. The only other person I can allow entry to is Max Rage. What a coincidence!”

  “No shit, but I’ll take it,” Rage said and shoved Jack Connor, King of Mars at the steps. “Up you go, Jackie Boy.”

  “Does it not seem weird that a person you barely know would allow you access to her ship?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked.

  “Wait until you meet Choosper,” Rage said. “It won’t seem weird at all.”

  “You say that now,” the ship said as Rage shoved Jack Connor, King of Mars up the steps and into the ship.

  The two men froze once they were past the hatch’s airlock and into the first corridor.

  “Told ya,” the ship said. “Captain Choosper, while a very pleasant person to work for, is what you would call an obsessive.”

  The corridor’s walls were lined with framed photo after framed photo. All of the photos were of Max Rage. That explained Choosper’s reluctance about taking everyone to her ship.

  Rage walked slowly down the corridor, studying each photo. He pointed at one.

  “That’s me last week!” he exclaimed. “Hey, ship, has Choosper been stalking me?”

  “Yes. For years,” the ship replied. “We’ve followed you around the galaxies for a long time. Once we hovered over that bar you work at for seventeen months straight. That was before you were leaving Earth to take side gigs with your lady friend and her son.”

  “The son always tags along because he sucks,” Rage said then remembered why they were on the ship. “Speaking of. Does Choosper have a rescue protocol locked in?”

  “She does,” the ship said. “But I will need you to come to the bridge and confirm that you need it activated. Captain Choosper did not initiate the rescue protocol procedures before disembarking. She was…busy.”

  “He had a tone,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I heard the tone. Ship? What was that tone?”

  “Nothing,” the ship replied.

  “Bullshit,” Rage said. “What was that tone? I heard it too.”

  “It’s, um, nothing really,” the ship said. “Are you for certain that Captain Choosper is in trouble and needs rescuing?”

  “Yeah. Pretty damn sure,” Rage replied.

  “I need you to be more than pretty damn sure,” the ship said. “It’s very important that you are.”

  “Okay, I am,” Rage said. “I am certain that she is in trouble and needs rescuing.”

  “Great. Proceed to the bridge,” the ship said. “Follow the red line to… Nope. Sorry. Follow the green line. Do not follow the red line. Whatever you do, do not follow the red line.”

  “I kind of want to follow the red line now,” Rage said. “I hate it when ships tell me what I can and cannot do.”

  The ship sighed. “If you follow the red line, it will take you to a specially built cage.”

  “Specially built? For what?” Rage asked.

  “Not what. Who,” the ship replied. “You. Captain Choosper didn’t activate the procedures for the rescue protocol because she was busy planning your kidnapping. Sorry.”

  “Ah. That kind of obsessed,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I have been there, believe you me.”

  “Green line takes us to the bridge?” Rage asked, wary.

  “Yes,” the ship said.

  “And that’s not programmed to trick me if I happened to show up on this ship?”

  “What? Ha ha ha. No. That’d be crazy.”

  “So the green line is the line that takes me to the cage.”

  “No way. The red line takes you to the cage. Green line is the bridge.”

  Rage followed the red line.

  “That’s the wrong one!” the ship shouted. “I’m not joking! You’re gonna end up in a… Ah, who am I kidding. You’re right. I’ll get the ship started. Will you tell Captain Choosper that I tried at least?”

  “Not a problem,” Rage said. “Just no more bullshit.”

  “Understood,” the ship said. “Welcome aboard The Rage, Max Rage. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

  “I will as long as it’s brief and not in a cage,” Rage replied and kept following the red line.

  Thirty-Nine

  Rage hadn’t been a hundred percent confident that his guess was right until he reached the actual bridge.

  “Engines online and ready?” Rage asked as he sat down in the captain’s chair.

  “Oh, uh, that’s Captain Choosper’s chair, Max Rage,” the ship said. “Might I suggest you sit in the co-pilot’s seat or perhaps the navigator’s seat?”

  “Where should I sit?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked. “Will this chair work?”

  “That is weapons,” the ship said.

  “No,” Rage barked. “Do not sit there. You’ll just blow us up.”

  “That is quite impossible,” the ship said. “I have safeguards in place to prevent that.”

  “No, no, Maximillian Rage is correct,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I am not an expe
rienced space traveler. I could inadvertently do something and make a mess of things.”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars, leaned a hand on the console next to him, about to launch into a long-winded oratory of the dangers of space travel when several ships around The Rage exploded, lighting up the Martian sky with fire and burning hunks of metal.

  “Did I do that?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked, jumping back from the console.

  “No, no, that was the Scorchers,” the ship said. “I believe it wise to lift off now even though I do not know where we are going.”

  “Yeah! Lift the fuck off before they blow us to shit!” Rage shouted. “Go, go, go!”

  “Technically, I do not take orders from you, but since I was doing that anyway, I shall go, go, go,” the ship said.

  The view outside the bridge changed rapidly as the ship lifted off from the landing pad. Other ships around and below them continued to explode as the Scorchers laid waste to what may have been the last few vehicles left on the planet that people could escape by. Rage didn’t know that for sure, but his gut was telling him he was right.

  The ship banked and took off fast, dodging flying metal and plumes of flame.

  “You activate that rescue protocol yet?” rage asked.

  “I am working on it,” the ship responded.

  “What’s the problem?” Rage asked. “Can’t you process a ton of tasks at once?”

  “I can, yes, but the chaos on the planet’s surface is causing havoc with my sensors,” the ship said. “In order to activate the rescue protocol, at least when it has not been properly setup, I will need to locate Captain Choosper’s personal signal. That way I can assess the situation she is in and make the proper call as to whether or not she needs rescuing. It would be unfortunate to be wrong and go in all guns blazing.”

  “You shouldn’t go in all guns blazing anyway,” Rage snapped. “That’s how you get her killed, not rescued.”

  “That’s a matter of opinion,” the ship said.

  “No, I believe Maximillian Rage is correct,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “You are speaking of a shoot first and ask questions later scenario and those rarely turn out well.”