Shatter

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “Since I said it isn’t,” he snapped.

  I tried a different tactic. I walked over to him and put my arm around his shoulder, bro-love style. “How can I help?”

  Alec laughed sadly. “What? You Superman now?”

  “I was thinking Spiderman, but Superman does have x-ray vision…” I smirked and thought of Alyssa. Down boy.

  “You can’t fix this, Demetri.” Alec’s voice caught as he said my name and looked down at his shaking hands. “Nobody can.”

  “Not even you?”

  He swallowed slowly before lifting his gaze to meet mine. “Not even God.”

  “Oh.”

  “Right.” He snorted. “So, thanks, but no thanks. I’ll burn in Hell by myself. I’d die before I took my little brother with me. I’ve already done enough to you.”

  “And what about Nat?”

  Wordless, he got up from the bed and cursed. “Angels don’t belong with demons.”

  Well, so much for the movie quote game, I could have rocked him on that one. Instead the rage-aholic slammed his hand against the door and cursed.

  “It’s too late anyway.”

  “But—”

  Alec held up his hand. “I’ll figure it out. I always do, right?” There was that damn forced smile again. I couldn’t fix it. I could only nod my head and hope to God that he wasn’t going further into the rabbit hole. I knew depression. I knew drugs. I knew anxiety, and I knew that look on his face. Shit, I knew it as well as I knew my own name.

  Unless you had help, there was no happy ending.

  Chapter Four

  Alec

  I needed to get away from Demetri and his constant chipper attitude. It wasn’t making me feel any better, or any less guilty about the conversation I’d just had.

  What type of person did that make me? If I was willing to screw the world and protect my own ass. What if by protecting myself I was protecting Nat? What if by protecting myself, paying people off, and ignoring all the shit, I was protecting Demetri? I couldn’t do that to him again. Seriously? What the hell was wrong with me? There’s no way I could have known, but still.

  I felt a headache coming on.

  I grabbed the keys out of my pocket and ran down the stairs to meet Nat. She was sitting by Angelica on the counter. I winked and held out my hand. “You ready?”

  She frowned. “You okay?”

  “Of course!” I nearly yelled. My voice cracked. Great. I was officially the worst actor on the planet. “Hey…” I pulled her into my arms and kissed her forehead. “Don’t frown, you’ll get wrinkles.”

  “Not helping.” She laughed and immediately the tension and guilt dissipated. Her. I needed her. As long as I had Nat, as long as she never found out what a grade A asshole I was. We’d be okay. Visions of losing myself in her, of making her scream out in pleasure filled my head. She was my drug. She numbed the pain, as sick as it was to admit.

  “Date time?” She squealed as I smacked the side of her butt and helped her off the counter.

  Angelica was completely ignoring us and staring at her phone, texting. I heard a snort come from her direction and then a sniffle. Oh great, what now? She break a nail? She have someone else’s life to ruin?

  “Oh my gosh. What’s wrong?” Nat let go of my hand and rushed to her side. Dear sweet Nat. She couldn’t help but love the broken. I, on the other hand, wanted to smack the Wicked Witch of the West so hard she fell off her chair.

  “Coke has a way of doing that to a person.” I pointed to her nose and smirked. “Attractive.”

  “You would know!” Angelica fired back.

  Nat held up her hands between us. “Is it really that hard to get along?”

  “Yes,” we said in unison, each of us glaring for a different reason. Both of us were angry about past drama that neither of us wanted to dig up. Correction, I didn’t want to dig it up. I’m sure she’d be more than thrilled to grab a shovel and have a go at it. Then again, if she had a shovel she’d be on the opposite end of it, in a grave. Wow, were things so bad that I was thinking homicide?

  Nat sighed and turned to Angelica. “Are you going to be okay?”

  For once I noticed Angelica’s eyes flicker with regret and hurt. Damn, the girl was a good actress. She deserved an Oscar for that performance. “It’s just…” She sniffled again and then grabbed Nat’s hand, gripping it in hers. “Jaymeson and I are fighting again, and I really love him. I mean, I’ve never been with anyone so strong, so virile. He’s an amazing kisser, and that accent!” She fanned herself, all fake tears gone. “But he’s pissed at me again.”

  And she wondered why? Seriously?

  Nat tilted her head to the side. “It’ll work out, you’ll see. I mean, we all go through fights in relationships, right?”

  Angelica suddenly straightened up and grinned in my direction. “Of course we do. I’m sure you and Alec have had your fair share of fights over his popularity. It’s only natural to feel insecure, right?”

  “—Um, right,” Nat interjected. “And we’re doing great!” Nat squeezed my hand and patted Angelica with her free hand. “It will be okay. Just talk to him.”

  “Good talk.” Angelica got up from her seat and sauntered away. “And thanks Nat, you’re right. I’ll just talk to him.”

  I glared lasers into her disappearing form and prayed for the hundredth time in the past few weeks that a meteor would hit in Seaside, Oregon — in her room preferably.

  “Hmm. Weird.” Nat shrugged. “You ready?”

  “Yeah.” I swallowed the returning guilt and squeezed her hand.

  ****

  Seaside was the type of town that a person couldn’t help but fall in love with. I know Demetri hated it. But it was seriously one of the only places I could go to and think. Our place in Malibu was still too close to Hollywood. Seaside was… well, it was in Oregon for one thing. They had more taffy than people — at least that’s what it seemed like. And during the summer months it was beautiful.

  I exhaled in relief as we walked outside and jumped in the SUV. Just me and Nat. I couldn’t wait until it really was just us. I reached across the console and kissed her hand. “I love you.”

  She bit her lip. Damn, the girl had luscious lips. “I love you too.” She leaned over and kissed me hard on the mouth. Finally.

  With a little tug I had her across the middle of the SUV and in my lap. Making out in the driveway. Awesome. It was like I was fifteen again. You know, minus the drugs and alcohol and fame and… okay, it was nothing like when I was fifteen. It was better.

  “You taste so good.” I licked her lower lip and moved my hands down her sides. The warmth of her skin seared me until I almost had to pull back. Nat moaned when my hands moved to her hips. I jerked her against me, needing her to be closer than she already was.

  “You sure about that date?” she asked, breathless.

  “Not really.” I kissed her neck and moved my hands toward her bra. “Maybe we should just—”

  “Whores. Both of you,” came an irritating voice that sounded suspiciously like Demetri. Which it couldn’t be, because I distinctly remembered saying goodbye to him in my room and him telling me he and Alyssa were going to hang out. Alone.

  Why had I kept my window rolled down?

  “What do you want?” I snapped, pulling away from Nat. At least she was just as comfortable with Demetri as she was with me, any other girl would have been mortified. Nat just groaned in sexual frustration. I hear ya, girl. Loud and clear.

  “Sorry to interrupt your pow-wow.” Demetri held up his hands and smirked. Sorry my ass… “But Ruben just said that we’re supposed to make an appearance at a new restaurant in Canon Beach.”

  “Isn’t it supposed to be our day off?” I groaned and briefly contemplated shooting my brother or just driving my car into the ocean. It had been way too long. Way too long. My body was going to explode. I just kept telling myself that if it were just me and Nat, everything else would fade. It would cease to be my reality. />
  “Yes, but apparently this was already part of the schedule, Ruben just forgot to put it in the call sheet. Or so he says. We gotta be there tonight.” Demetri popped a piece of taffy in his mouth and grinned. “You guys can go whore around for a few hours, just don’t be late.”

  “Okay.” I didn’t move. Neither did Nat.

  Demetri watched. “So you better, like, get going, so you can do that date.”

  “Right.” I licked my lips. Nat shifted on my lap causing my vision to cloud for a brief second.

  “Start the car, dude.” Demetri laughed. “Then put it into drive. Go somewhere private. Make out… and don’t get my favorite future sister-in-law prego. Yeah?”

  It was like having ice water thrown on me. I nodded jerkily and started the car. Nat moved away from my lap. I gave Demetri a shaky smile — something I didn’t do often. Smile like an idiot.

  His eyes narrowed and then I saw a muscle flex in his jaw. Damn. Now he knew I was lying to him too. I quickly looked away and put the car in drive. “See you later, man.”

  “Yeah.” Demetri didn’t make eye contact. “Later.”

  ****

  “Alec?” Nat put her hand on mine.

  “Hmm?” I turned down the music and glanced at her.

  “You’ve been driving for the past fifteen minutes. I mean it’s cool if you want to leave Seaside, it’s just… I don’t know. You’ve been really quiet and now we’re on the highway, and I have no idea where you’re going.”

  Shit. Was I that lost in my own drama? “It’s a surprise,” I lied and quickly managed to figure out where we were.

  I’d been driving for around ten miles, meaning I was close to Canon Beach. The sign to the old bed and breakfast Demetri and I used to frequent popped up just in time. I took a right and prayed it would be open. Mr. and Mrs. Smith were always really great about making sure that paparazzi weren’t lurking around.

  “Oh good!” Nat clapped her hands as I pulled into the bed and breakfast. “I’ve missed this place.”

  I felt like an ass for lying, but at least she was excited about eating and hanging out. On second thought… “Um, I’ll be right back. Stay here.”

  She shrugged and took a seat on the outside patio. I ran in and hoped to God they would be able to cater to us.

  Chapter Five

  Demetri

  “You’ve been staring at the same spot in the ocean for the past hour.” Alyssa threaded her fingers through mine and smiled. “What’s up?”

  “Alec.”

  “What about him?”

  I shrugged. “He’s smiling.”

  Alyssa burst out laughing. “Alert the media! Call the president! When did you first start noticing this strange behavior?” She rolled her eyes. “Geez, you smile every second of every day. It’s not a big deal. Maybe he’s happy.”

  “But I’ve always smiled,” I argued.

  “You’re strange.”

  “I know.” I sighed and released her hand, nervously digging through my hair like I was going to somehow sprout an answer from the chemical reaction of the sun hitting my scalp. “He’s acting like he did… before.”

  “Before?” She scooted closer to me on the sand and sighed. “What? What’s his story?”

  Alec would kill me if he ever found out I was telling a soul about this.

  “After the drugs… for a short while… he was suicidal. He tried to overdose on his antidepressants. The doctors figured it was because he was coming down off the high from being a heroin addict, but…” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I know what that hell feels like. Shit, I lived through it too. He’s just different. He’s weird in how he deals with things. I dealt with it through going off the deep end. He just… stopped doing shit. Cold Turkey. He went on antidepressants, had one close call, and then it was like everything was suddenly fine.”

  Alyssa’s dark brown hair blew in the wind as she tilted her head. “So, why is that a bad thing?”

  “He never dealt. He never finished therapy. After we moved here, he was supposed to go to therapy for like a year, but he went back to do promo stuff after I crapped out and nearly killed myself. He never got his time. You know?”

  Alyssa chewed on her bottom lip. “So what? Are you afraid he’s going to relapse or something? Start doing drugs again?”

  I took a moment to think about it. I mean, I couldn’t see Alec taking it that far. He had Nat, and he had me of course, but the show alone was a lot of pressure. On top of that, the conversation I overheard couldn’t be helping matters.

  I leaned in and kissed Alyssa’s nose. “You know I love you, right?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know. Now don’t change the subject. What are you so afraid of?”

  The familiar heaviness of fear thumped against my chest. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I could see Alec’s life going in two directions. One of them I couldn’t even bear to think about. I closed my eyes and told myself to stop freaking out. Alyssa was in my lap in an instant, wrapping her arms around my neck. “It’s okay. I’m the queen of panic attacks. Talk to me, Dem.”

  If I said it out loud did that make it more real? “I’m afraid I’m going to lose him.” When Alec was under stress it was like he disappeared into himself. He had a tendency to push people away… One minute he’d be smiling that ridiculously fake smile, the next he was on the floor with an empty pill bottle.

  Alyssa was silent while I ducked my head into her mop of hair and inhaled the familiar scent of coconut. “I’m afraid if he doesn’t deal with everything it’ll destroy him. I’m afraid of what he might do if he’s put in a position where he can’t control anything anymore.” I swallowed the panic rising in my chest. “Lyss, I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid.”

  “Like what?”

  Kill himself? Break Nat’s heart? Cheat?

  I let the question go unanswered, but I knew Alyssa and she knew me. I swore she read minds. She held me and I held her. It was all I had. The comfort of someone I loved, while I was freaking out over a family member who I knew was only one shit storm away from becoming a hell of a lot more unstable than I ever was.

  I was just waiting for the dam to break.

  And hoped to God it would be in his favor.

  Chapter Six

  Alec

  Crap. What the hell were we going to do at a bed and breakfast? We could eat, but we couldn’t really sleep, not if we had that stupid restaurant opening in a few hours.

  My control was seriously slipping. I flexed my hand and began reciting the states in alphabetical order. Other than burying myself deep in the girl I loved — it was the only way I could relax. Running had stopped working, and I knew it was absolute insanity to run fifteen miles a day. Singing helped, but we were supposed to be acting, not singing. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona…

  I took the stairs two at a time. Arkansas, California… Thankfully, the elderly couple was already waiting for me in the main dining room.

  “Alec!” Mr. Smith came forward with arms open. I hugged him and then kissed Mrs. Smith on the cheek. There were only a few guests and most of them were over the age of sixty. They probably thought I was the Smiths’ grandson.

  The familiar smell of the restaurant calmed me down. “I need a favor.”

  “Anything.” Mrs. Smith pinched my bicep and winked. “Now, what can we do for you?”

  What could they do? Oh you know, erase a few nights from my memory and convince Bob, my bodyguard, to assassinate the one person who could ruin my entire freaking existence with one push of a button. “Um, how about a room? Something nice? I want to spend some time with Nat away from everything.”

  “Done.” Mr. Smith walked over to the main desk and pulled out a key. “Enjoy yourselves.”

  I reached for my wallet to pull out my credit card, but he held up his gnarled old hands. “Oh no you don’t. You’ve done so much for our business already, son. This one’s on the house, alrighty?”

  “Please. Let me pay.” I of
fered one last time. Charity made me feel nervous, like I couldn’t control the situation. Wow, I had issues.

  “Nope. That’s final.” Mr. Smith held out his hand for me to shake it. I wanted to shake it. Instead, I just stared at it and told myself to stop freaking out. It was a free room for a few hours, not a house. Smiling, I reached for his hand and shook it.

  “Thank you.”

  “Have fun! And let us know what you want for your meal.” Mrs. Smith waved goodbye as I turned and jogged back out of the building.

  Nat was in the middle of the patio, her blonde hair blowing in the wind. I could watch her forever. She tucked her hair behind her ears and crossed her arms. She had no idea how precious she was to me — or how deep she had etched herself into my soul. I couldn’t help but wonder… would she curse me later for that very thing?

  I tried to push the dark thoughts away, but it was hard. My brain felt fatigued, probably all that alphabetizing. I managed a smile as I walked up to her and whispered, “Surprise,” dropping the key into her hand.

  “You bought me a car! You shouldn’t have!”

  I paused. “Wow, never actually thought about it. Do you want a car? I guess I could buy you a car. Would that make you happy?” I smirked at her eye roll. “Would you jump up and down and possibly make out in the backseat with me?”

  “Maybe.” She blushed.

  “Would you scream my name over and over and over again?” I kissed her hard on the mouth. “Would you be mine forever and always?” Damn, I was losing my mind. The need to be with her was trumping everything. I knew it was wrong. I was using her. Using the way she made me feel in order to push away my demons. But nothing else was working. Not the pills, not my ridiculous staff of people that I pay millions to keep. Nothing. Only her kisses, her touch. If I was going to hell, I wanted to take every shred of this feeling with me.