Barbarian's Beloved

by Ruby Dixon

  "We need a few unmated males to stay behind," Vektal continues, his gaze distant as he looks off to the edge of camp. I follow his gaze and see that he stares at his new mate, the one with the curly mane and the unpronounceable name. He snaps back to himself with a little shake of his head and looks over at me. "Zolaya, you, Haeden, and Salukh will stay behind. Aehako, Rokan and I will take—"

  "Actually," I begin, and just thinking of Air-ee makes my chest thunder with resonance. The sound is so loud and insistent it makes my body shake and sends a shiver of pleasure down my spine. I bite back my groan, because the others are staring at me in surprise.

  "You resonated?" Salukh asks, curious.

  I nod and cannot help the pride in my voice even as I curl a hand over my chest as if to quiet my racing heart and loudly thrumming khui. "To Air-ee-aw-nuh."

  "The weepy one?" Haeden makes a disgusted noise. "Your khui has poor taste in females—"

  I do not think. My mind blisters with rage at his words and the next thing I know, he is in the snow and I am on top of him, raising a fist. There is a shout and someone pulls me off of him—Salukh, perhaps.

  Vektal steps between us and Haeden picks himself up from the snow, scowling. "No fighting," the chief says, and casts an angry look at Haeden. "And that was a cruel thing to say. The females are scared. They have every reason to be. Give Air-ee-aw-nuh time to prove herself. It has not yet been a day for her."

  Haeden's jaw sets in a stubborn frown and I glare at him, my heart pounding in my chest and the rage thundering in my body right alongside the resonance. "It was not well done of me," Haeden admits. "You have my apologies, Zolaya."

  I nod, because I am too stiff with emotion to do more than that. I know he does not mean such a thing. I know his heart is full of bitterness because of the death of his mate before they could ever resonate. I know many ugly things gnaw at Haeden's soul.

  But he will not speak ill of my mate again. Ever. I bare my fangs at him in silent anger.

  Vektal puts a hand on my shoulder. "Go to your mate. Spend your time with her. If you resonated, you should not be with us. You should be at her side."

  I cast him a frustrated look and then push away with a nod. If nothing else, I can keep Air-ee company, I suppose. Just being around her feels like a pleasure, tears or not.

  And if I stay here any longer, I might be tempted to attack Haeden again, no matter how well-intentioned he is or the wounds he carries. He does not mock my mate. Never.

  5

  ARIANA

  "We're leaving?"

  I'm a little surprised when Zolaya returns and helps me to my feet. Flustered, too. I hadn't quite expected him to run off right after we resonated, but he took one look at me and left, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was upset that he was now stuck with the weepy, whiny human.

  My anxiety had a real field day with that.

  But he's back, and as he moves to my side, I notice that others are helping women to their feet. Zolaya straightens the front of my furs and then pulls out a long cord from a pouch at his belt. "Here," he says, looping his arms around my waist as he pulls the cord around me. "Tie your furs down around your body. It cuts down on the air that makes it feel cold."

  "Oh." That's all I can manage as he leans in, because I'm much smaller than him. I think I'm also a little more…booby than he expected, because his face practically smashes into my boobs and he gets this weird expression on his face as if he just realized where he was about to plant his chin. I can feel myself blushing as my cootie revs up, like it's starting its engine. One of the other aliens passes by and gives us a knowing little smirk, and it just makes me blush that much harder.

  "There," Zolaya says as he finishes tying the furs at my waist. "That is better." He pulls one loose length free and makes a hood out of it, tucking my hair under like I'm a child he's dressing for school.

  "Where are we going?" I ask, my voice small. I can feel my anxiety fluttering, ready to turn into a full-blown panic attack at a moment's notice.

  "We go to the Elders’ Cave," he explains to me, his voice rich and smooth and buttery and so soothing it makes me want to curl up inside it. The smile he sends in my direction makes me feel warm…almost. I'm pretty sure my toes are still frozen.

  "Your elders or mine?"

  He laughs, and my cootie responds with a purr of happiness, making his fire up as well. "My ancestors, I am afraid." He grins at me and gestures at his back, then kneels down in the snow in front of me. "I can carry you if you are tired."

  Oh. Carry me? I'm not sure what to think of that. I am tired. So tired. The panic I've been fighting for the last day is exhausting and I'd like nothing more than to let someone else walk instead of me. I glance over at the group and the other women are getting to their feet, preparing for the journey. Josie with her splinted leg balances heavily on her good foot and then one of the male aliens grabs her and slings her over his back as if she's a sack of potatoes. Everyone else seems to be walking, though.

  I don't want them to think worse of me than they already do. If I let him carry me, will they think I'm lazy? Worse, will he? "I can walk," I tell him, trying to sound braver than I feel. "Is it far?"

  "Not very far at all," Zolaya says in a cheerful voice. "I will keep you company."

  "Do…do you have to help the others?" I look over at the other girls nearby, the ones that don't have a guy waiting on them hand and foot.

  He shakes his head and gives me a sheepish smile. "I am to stay at your side." He touches his chest and I realize that duh, of course he is. He's resonating to me. He didn't carry me off like Nora was carried off, though, or the other girls. It's weird, but I feel a little disappointed that he didn't sweep me off my feet and carry me into the wild. Is there something wrong with me that's making him stop?

  I mean, not that I want him to drag me away…but I also don't want him to think I'm terrible. Maybe he hates my crying. I bite my fingernails, worried.

  "Come," he says, and extends a hand to me. "We will walk side by side and you can ask me questions about my world."

  I bite my lip and hesitate, because holding hands seems like a commitment, especially when you're resonating to a guy. But the look on Zolaya's face tells me there's nothing to fear. I have to trust someone, so I slide my hand into his.

  Immediately, I sigh. "You're so warm." I clasp my other hand over his, holding the space heater of his palm between my chilled ones. Now that I have a cootie, I'm warmer overall…but that doesn't mean it's temperate here. It's more like going from Antarctic winter to winter anywhere else. Doesn't mean it's warm.

  He goes very still, and the blue of his face seems to deepen. He clears his throat and turns away, and as he does, I see he's adjusting the front of his loincloth. Oh. But his hand remains clasped in mine, and he squeezes my fingers. It sends a warm ripple through my body, just that little squeeze, and I find that I don't want to let go of his hand. It's not even the warmth…it's the human contact.

  Well, kinda human.

  "I will make you gloves tonight," he promises me. "When we get to the Elders’ Cave and get you near a fire for warmth. That will be good, yes?"

  "Sure." It beats staying out here with the big half-frozen dead beast a short distance away.

  He squeezes my hand again and then gestures at the distance. "It is that way."

  I look at the others around us, still preparing. A few of the warriors are dressing the other unmated women and layering their furs to protect them, but no one's getting the same individualized attention that I'm getting from Zolaya. It's because he's my mate, I remind myself. Not because I'm being singled out as a problem. I hope. "Do we need to wait for the others?" I ask.

  Zolaya shakes his head, his long hair blowing in the wind. I'm covered in furs from head to toe and he's dressed in very little, but it doesn't seem to bother him. "They know the way. They will not be far behind." He steps forward and then watches me. "Choose your steps carefully. In some spots, the snow will get deep and
can twist an ankle."

  Oh boy. Now I have something new to worry about. I clutch his hand tightly.

  "It will be all right," he reassures me as we walk. I realize I'm clutching his hand in a death grip as I slog through the snow. Every step feels like effort, and I just want to curl up and cry. Except you already do too much of that, the nasty voice in my head reminds me. And you don't want them to hate you more than they already do.

  I can feel my anxiety returning, like the tide washing in. I focus on walking, on not tripping or twisting an ankle, because I don't want the others to hate me.

  I don't want Zolaya to hate me most of all.

  My cootie purrs and hums as I walk, and it feels almost as frantic as I do. My hand is sweaty in Zolaya's, but he doesn't complain. "I'm sorry," I tell him as I push through the deep snow.

  He looks over at me in surprise. "You apologize. Why?"

  "Because I'm not strong," I blurt out. "And I cry a lot. And the others don't like me. And—"

  Zolaya makes a shushing sound even as he gives my hand a little squeeze. "There is no apology necessary. You have done nothing wrong."

  "Stick around," I tell him, and then a sound bursts from my throat that's either a laugh or a sob or both.

  "All will be well, I promise," he says in that smooth, rich voice of his that I could get lost in. His thumb idly strokes over the back of my hand and for some reason, feeling his skin against mine seems to help.

  "You're very soft," I blurt out, and realize I'm crying again when my lashes start to stick together with ice. Damn it. Now I just feel like I'm crying as much as I'm breathing. Stupid anxiety. I hate it so much. I wish I didn't have it. I wish I was strong and brave like Georgie. I wish Zolaya had gotten someone else for a mate, and that just makes my stomach hurt even more because I desperately want him to like me more than everyone else anyhow.

  "Soft?" He looks at me in surprise and chuckles. "It is not something a hunter is told often." His mouth quirks with amusement. "But since it comes from my pretty mate, I will take it as a compliment."

  "Your skin," I clarify, and my cheeks feel hot even as I drag my feet through the snow. Every step feels like quicksand. It's at least up to my knees and it's slow going, but I don't want to give up. I don't want him to think I'm weak and wimpy. "Your skin feels like chamois or suede. It's the softest thing I've ever felt."

  "Do you want to feel more of it?"

  "No!" I blurt out quickly.

  He throws his head back and laughs, and I realize he was teasing me. My wobbly laugh joins his.

  "I tease you," Zolaya says as he chuckles. "I do not expect you to touch me. This is enough." And he indicates our hands. Even as he does, his cootie makes an insistent sound, and mine sings even louder, as if it's a competition.

  "I was told…" I sniff and try to think of how to put it. "I was told that, uh, that isn't how the cootie works." I step forward and one leg goes deep, and I yelp as I surge into snow up to my waist.

  "It is not how it works," he agrees, and hauls me up out of the snow, taking my other hand and helping me slog forward a few steps until it's back to a comfortable (ha) knee height. "But there is nothing that says we cannot be friends before we become mates. Our khuis have made their decision. We must give ourselves time for the rest of our bodies to catch up."

  When he says it like that, it sounds so sensible. Practical. I nod, panting. "I just…" I let the words die. I wish he'd gotten someone better? I wish I wasn't anxious? I wish I wasn't here?

  Might as well wish for a unicorn.

  Zolaya turns in front of me and pauses, stopping our slow forward progress up the white, snowy hills. Snow flecks drift from the gray sky and swarm over us, but he ignores them. His intense glowing blue gaze is fixed on me, and his hands are so, so warm in mine. "I will be patient, Air-ee. I am your friend. Whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable and happy, we will do so."

  It's such a sweet, understanding thing to say that I feel like sobbing all over again. He doesn't understand what's going on in my head, but he's being so, so nice. It just makes me feel worse. But all I can choke out is a feeble, "Okay."

  He glances behind me and then leans in. "We are out of sight of the others. Are you sure you do not wish for me to carry you?"

  I hesitate. I'm so exhausted. My hands shake in his, and I'm not sure if it's because of the resonance or my anxiety or sheer physical exertion. I'm an anthropology student at Princeton. The most exercise I get is rushing between classes. This is all new to me. But letting him carry me feels like I'm letting him down somehow. I glance backward and sure enough, we've crested a hill and I can't see anyone behind us. I can't see anything but more snow and distant, rocky cliffs that are as gray and bleak as the sky overhead. "You shouldn't carry me," I protest. "I should walk it. I've got two good legs."

  "Your legs might be good, but they are short."

  I'm so startled that I laugh, and he grins back at me. His warm, big hands squeeze mine again.

  "We will go faster if I carry you," he admits. "And you can save your breath for asking me questions about my world."

  He makes it sound like I'm doing him a favor. My frozen feet feel like blocks of ice and the thought of being carried sounds too tempting to protest. "If you're sure…"

  Zolaya looks delighted. "I would love nothing more."

  6

  ZOLAYA

  By the time we make it to the cave, Air-ee is sliding off my back she is so weak and exhausted. We are the first to arrive, so I settle her near the firepit and build it up while she clutches her furs and watches me with weary eyes. I set up a tripod and hang a pouch to warm up water for tea, then rummage through the stores here in the cave to find more blankets and supplies. The others will be here soon enough, but I will take what my Air-ee needs first. I tuck more blankets around her, and then while she sips tea, I cut out leather and begin to stitch crude gloves for her so she will not be so cold when we travel again.

  She is silent, gazing into the fire. When I prompt her, she answers, but it is as if she has all of the energy drained from her body with that small bit of travel. It is troubling to me, because our home cave is many hours of travel away. Carrying Air-ee slowed me down, but if she was that tired from riding on my back, I wonder how long it will take for us to return, and if she will have the strength.

  My mate is so fragile. She tries very hard, but she does not have the strength. It is as if it is being sapped from within. I watch her as I work. Her eyelids are heavy with exhaustion, but she does not sleep. Instead, she watches as the others slowly trickle in, moving toward the fire. The tension in her shoulders returns, and I can see that she twitches with every person that looks over at her. Something about them makes her worried. I watch them, too, but I do not see a problem. I only see tired, hungry females who want nothing more than to come out of the cold and a few disappointed hunters who have not resonated.

  After dinner, the females settle down into piles of furs and go to sleep. The hunters are quiet as well, with Aehako and Rokan trading off watch duties at the entrance. Vektal disappears with his mate into the depths of the cave, no doubt to fulfill resonance once more. I wonder if my Air-ee would like to do the same. Not to fulfill resonance, but simply to get away from the others.

  My khui hums and sings incessantly and I rub my chest, gazing at my mate as she stares dully into the fire. I cannot get past the idea that something here is very wrong. There is something I am not seeing and I feel as if I am failing my new mate. I start to get up, but Air-ee immediately lies down and turns on her side, closing her eyes.

  I sit back down once more. Sleep will be good for her. Whatever thoughts chase themselves in my head can wait until the morning. My khui's ravenous need can wait one more day. Air-ee needs her rest.

  I finish her gloves. They are crude things but will keep her hands safe from the biting chill of the wind. I stir the fire again, since the humans gathered around it still look as if they are cold, and make more tea for all. I keep
close to Air-ee, because even if I wanted to leave her side, I could not. I cannot walk away from her. Not when my khui sings and sings and sings.

  Eventually, all go to sleep and I lie down in my furs next to Air-ee. We do not touch—she will not allow that yet—but I close my eyes and keep my senses attuned to her. As I relax, she shifts in her bed.

  A moment later, she shifts again.

  And again.

  I ease one eye open and see that she has moved flat onto her back, her knees bent. She puts a hand on her stomach and takes deep, long breaths. Even in the dark, I can see that she is trembling.

  Her terror has overtaken her again.

  For a moment, I feel helpless. I do not know what to do to help her. It is clear to me that she struggles, and she needs sleep. But as she breathes, over and over again, restlessly shifting, I realize she cannot sleep. There is something in her mind stopping her.

  Wordless, I reach over and brush my fingers against hers, offering my hand.

  At first, I think she will not take it. I think she will ignore me and continue to pretend to sleep. Instead, she clasps it and clutches my hand so tightly that it makes my heart ache for her. She swallows hard and swipes at her wet eyes with her other hand, then squeezes my fingers in a silent acknowledgment.

  I squeeze hers back, just to let her know I am here. That she is not alone.

  Her breathing slows. Even as her hand tightly grips mine, I can see that her body relaxes. It takes time, but eventually she is able to fall asleep, still latched on to my hand as if it is the only thing that keeps her together.

  There is no sleep for me this night. I watch her instead, as if I can somehow figure out what is happening in her mind.

  My fragile, brave mate.

  Air-ee seems equally exhausted in the morning, with deep smudges under her eyes. I am concerned, but the healer is back with the tribe. Perhaps this is a human thing and she will get better given time. The other humans seem to be improving. After having their khuis for a day, their expressions are brighter, bruises are fading, and even Jo-see's broken leg is healing quickly. Everyone seems to be doing well.