Barbarian's Beloved

by Ruby Dixon

  Except for my Air-ee.

  She twists the hem of her too-big tunic as she sits near the fire, listening to the others talk as a warm stew is ladled out for a meal. I am torn between wanting to hover over her and see to her needs, and giving her the space she wants. She sits with the females, but I notice she does not talk to them, only listens. Her hands tremble and when she wrings her tunic over and over, I worry that she is not as calm as she looks. It is as if she is trying very hard to seem like nothing is wrong, but there is tension in her shoulders, and I suspect it has nothing to do with resonance.

  I feel as if resonance is the least of her worries at the moment, which is strange. My thoughts are consumed with her—of touching her pale human skin, caressing her body, peeling the tunic off of her and revealing her teats and tail-less bottom. Pulling her under me and making her mine. My khui hums and sings with a fierce song, and I can hear hers as well, but all she does is rub her chest and ignore it. I think of how she held my hand last night, so desperate. I do not know what to do. It is as if something boils inside her mind, waiting to erupt. So I watch, and I wait, and I hope I am wrong. I hope that she will turn to me later this day, take my hand, and lead me into the recesses of the Elders’ Cave so I can claim her as my mate.

  After the females have eaten, Vektal and his mate Shorshie return to the group. I notice enviously that Vektal's skin is sweaty and his mate is flushed and disheveled. It is clear that they have been mating, and I look over at Air-ee with longing, but she is staring off into space, twisting and twisting the edge of her tunic. Her thoughts are not with the group. Her thoughts are not with me. I do not know where she is.

  "Well," Shorshie says as she approaches the group. "If everyone's rested up, we should probably get you the language beam from the computer."

  I do not understand some of her words, and it seems I am not the only one. "Language beam?" one female with a short yellow mane asks. "What's that?"

  Shorshie taps the corner of her eye. "The computers here are a few hundred years old but they still work, and they have the ability to beam the sa-khui language into your mind. It's a red laser and it goes right through here and into your head. I don't know how it works, just that it does. I had it done a few days ago. Everyone else needs to get it done so when we return to the tribe's cave, there will be no problems communicating. The native culture here is very different from ours and we want to make sure there are no misunderstandings." Her cheeks turn bright pink and she looks over at Vektal, who just grins.

  "Does it hurt?" another female asks, and as I watch, my Air-ee stiffens, her attention locking on to Shorshie.

  "Not really. It'll give you a headache and it does knock you unconscious for a while though."

  "Is it safe?" I am surprised to hear it is my Air-ee-aw-nuh who asks this, and her hands clench and unclench on the edge of her tunic. She looks as brittle as ice, my mate.

  Shorshie looks puzzled by this question. "It seems to be."

  "But the computer's old," Air-ee continues, a worried tremor in her voice. "How do we know it's a hundred percent safe? How do we know the computer's not going to burn a hole right into our heads by mistake?"

  The others are starting to look concerned. Vektal looks displeased that Air-ee would ask such a thing, and Shorshie's expression turns into a little frown. "It's not going to burn a hole into your head," the chief's mate begins.

  "But what if the laser is off its target? It's been here hundreds of years, right? What if…what if something goes wrong and it shoots the wrong spot in my head instead of the part that gets the language? What if it blinds someone or something else? Even people that have LASIK surgery still have complications. I've heard—"

  Shorshie raises a hand and my mate goes silent. "You're just making trouble, Ariana. Let's not go down that road, okay? Unless you're a language savant, it's really in everyone's best interests to go in speaking the native tongue. Maybe you more than anyone else—"

  "Me?" Air-ee makes a strangled sound. "Why me?"

  Shorshie glances over at Vektal again. "Because you resonated, like me. Like I said, we want to make sure there are as few misunderstandings as possible. They're bound to happen given our different cultures, but speaking the language will help. And it's safe enough, I promise."

  The chief's mate makes a convincing speech, but even more than that, her manner is reassuring. The other females were getting nervous at my Air-ee's questions, but Shorshie's calm eases their fears. Shorshie gestures at the group. "Follow me. We'll get this taken care of and you'll be back on your feet by dinnertime."

  Vektal turns and follows his mate, a besotted expression on his face. I know that look. I imagine it on my face when I gaze at Air-ee. The other humans get to their feet, murmuring in low voices as they follow the chief and his mate into the depths of the Elders’ Cave.

  All except my Air-ee. She remains frozen in place, her hand clenched on the hem of her tunic. She does not follow. From the doorway where he watches, Aehako gives me a curious look.

  I move to my mate's side and touch her arm. "Air-ee?"

  She gives me a stare of such intense terror that my gut clenches. Her face is as pale as the snow outside, her lips bloodless. "Zo, don't make me do this. I can't. I can't!" Her voice raises a hysterical note, and the others pause to look back at her.

  The sound of my nickname on her lips makes my body respond, even though the moment is not an appropriate one. I fight back the groan that rises and move to her side, because in her terror, she has turned to me. She needs me.

  I will not let her down.

  I move to take her hand in mine, and she clutches my fingers tightly, her palm sweaty with fear. Her eyes are wide and terrified and I realize the mind-numbing terror has taken over her again.

  Shorshie moves forward as if to talk to Air-ee, but I step in front of my mate and shake my head at her. I need to calm my Air-ee before anyone can touch her.

  I turn to my mate and cup her face in my hands. I can feel her trembling and it makes my heart ache. “Come. Let us go somewhere quiet and talk.” I stroke my thumbs over her soft cheeks. “I will not let anyone harm you, this I promise.”

  She gazes up at me, taking quick, shallow breaths, and for a moment I wonder if she is even hearing what I say. But then she gives me a shaky nod, agreeing.

  I wrap my arms around her to steady her—and because I am feeling protective. I expect her to push me away, but she melts against me as if she needs my strength or the feel of my body. My khui begins its urgent song again and I nod over my shoulder at my chief and his mate. “Begin without us.”

  I will find out what is bothering my Air-ee and I will help her. The time for observing is past. It is clear she needs more than I am giving her.

  The time for that has passed, too.

  7

  ZOLAYA

  I guide my mate to the entrance of the Elders’ Cave. Aehako steps to the side to let us pass, but I move to where Air-ee’s furs are hung to dry out from the snow and carefully bundle her up, then pull her mane free from her collar. I do not want her to be cold, and we might be outside for a while. We will be outside for as long as it takes for her to feel comfortable, I decide. If that means I have to haul her away to a cave like Raahosh, I shall.

  Once she is bundled up, I toss a fur cloak over my back, take her gloved hand and pull her out into the snow.

  Her hand is tight in mine as I lead her down the walkway from the Elders’ Cave back into the snows. It is an open field around the cave, full of nothing but powdery drifts, but this is not a good place for us to talk. Air-ee needs to be away from the others. She needs a sense of security and I need to take her someplace where she will not feel rushed to answer me. I gaze around and see the start of a rocky cliff off in the distance, trees lining the edge and bushes crowding in a line along the ridge, where the snows are not as deep. There, then. "Let us go for a walk," I tell her. "Or would you rather I carry you?"

  Air-ee's distraught gaze meets mine. "Becau

se I'm weak?"

  "Because you are tired and your legs are short," I explain to her as we step forward. The snow is only ankle height here, but already she struggles. I guide her a little farther away from the cave entrance, so Aehako will not overhear our conversation. The words we share are for our ears alone. When we are a safe distance away, I turn to her and brush my knuckles over her cold cheek. "Air-ee, whatever you tell me is between us. You do not have to pretend to be something you are not. I offer to carry you because you have had a difficult experience and you are still adjusting to my world." I stroke her soft, soft skin because I cannot stop touching her. "If you are too tired to walk, I am happy to carry you. If you want to walk, I am happy to slow my steps and hold your hand." I smile at her gently. "I am just happy to be with you."

  She is silent. Her lower lip quivers and she moves a little closer to me. Her hands curl on my chest, and I wish I could feel them, but she wears the crude mitts I made for her. "Would I be the worst if I said I was tired?"

  "You would not be the worst," I reassure her. "And my legs are very strong."

  "I noticed." Her face flames bright red. "That's…not what I meant."

  "Even if it is not, I am glad you noticed," I tell her with a teasing note in my voice, and resist the urge to flex my strong thighs in her direction. I kneel on the ground and indicate she should climb onto my back. It takes a moment, but she loops one arm around my neck and her short legs hitch around my waist, and then she is on me, her weight no more than that of a heavy fur. It is nothing at all to carry, and I tell her so.

  “I just…I don’t want the others to think I’m a wimp.”

  I do not care what the others think, because they will not dare be cruel to her in my presence, but I understand. Of all the humans, she is the one with the most tears and a few of them have grown impatient with her. I resolve that she will never feel like she is less than worthy around me, even if it means I must work that much harder to make her feel content. She is worth it.

  So I tell her, “You are not wimp, whatever that may be, and you weigh no more than a feather. It is a pleasure to carry you.” And I add a little spring in my step to show her so.

  “Yeah, right,” is all she answers.

  “It is true.” I hold her thighs against my sides and give them a squeeze. “This way I can feel your legs around me and I can pretend that touching you only has to do with carrying you.”

  Air-ee is utterly silent for a long moment, and then a shocked, nervous giggle bursts from her throat. “I can’t believe you said that.”

  “Can you not?” I love the sound of her laughter. It makes me feel good to hear her joy, even if it is only for a moment.

  She sighs and buries her face in my hair. “Why are you being so nice to me, Zolaya?”

  “Zo,” I remind her. “And I am being nice because I like you. It is not difficult at all.”

  “You only like me because I’m your mate. Everyone else hates me.”

  “Not true and not true,” I tell her easily. “I like you because you are easy to like. And everyone else does not hate you. They just do not understand you.” I pick up the pace, because she is talking and not crying and I want that to continue. “Hold on to me tightly, because we are going to go faster.”

  “How far are we going?” she asks, and the worry returns to her voice. The arms around my neck tremble.

  “Not far,” I promise her, and then gesture at the distant tree line. “Over there.”

  She is quiet after that, and I cannot resist giving her fur-covered arm another caress as I jog through the snow, churning it in my wake. It does not take long for me to get there, and I am not even tired as I duck under the swaying limbs of the pale trees, mindful of my horns so I do not accidentally jab her in the face. I gently set my mate down in the spot where the ridge begins and the trees are clustered close together, because there is a natural wind-break here and I know it bites at her fragile skin.

  Air-ee looks around with big eyes, clutching her fur wraps to her neck as I sweep off my fur cloak and set it atop the snow for her.

  “Don’t you need that?” she asks, worried.

  “Not at all. This is a pleasant day for me. I could wear nothing but my loincloth all day long and not grow cold. Plus, the movement keeps me warm.”

  Air-ee nods, but she does not seem to relax. She just watches me, wary, as if waiting for something bad to happen.

  “Sit,” I tell her, gesturing at my cloak. “I brought this for you.”

  “But why?”

  “Because it is cold?”

  Exasperation shows on her face. “That’s not what I meant. Why are we out here?”

  “Because you needed to get away from the others before you cried again.”

  Her face flushes and she looks miserable. I can see her grip tighten on her tunic. “I’m sorry.”

  I am puzzled by her response. Why does she feel she needs to apologize to me? “You have done nothing wrong. You just looked as if you needed to escape, so I thought we would come out here and talk.”

  She sits down on the fur cloak with a heavy thump and pulls a glove off, swiping at her eyes. “Great, and now I’m crying again.”

  I sit down across from her, folding my legs under me. “You can cry out here. No one will judge you here.”

  Air-ee gives me a skeptical look, but then her face crumples and she starts to cry in earnest. “I’m sorry—”

  “Again you apologize. Why?” I reach out and take her hand before she can swipe at her face once more. “Air-ee, there is something going on in your head and I wish to understand you.”

  She tries to jerk her hand away from mine. “Because I don’t want to be lasered to death?”

  I let her go, but the moment she drops her hand in her lap, I scoop it up again and hold her. She needs the physical contact between us. I remember last night how she held my hand and it calmed her. I will do so again today. “Do you truly think you will be lasered to death? That Shorshie and the others hate you so much that they would lie?”

  Air-ee sniffs. “It’s not that I think they’re lying, it’s just…”

  I wait.

  She pauses and pulls her hand out of mine again. “You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

  “I will not,” I reassure her. “There is nothing crazy about how you have acted. You are afraid and I am trying to understand why.” I offer her my hand again, this time face up and resting on my knee. “You are not alone, my Air-ee. Let me be your partner. Unburden your heart to me if it hurts.”

  My mate takes in a shaky breath and stares at my hand for so long that I think she will refuse. Slowly, eventually, she reaches out and grips my hand. Her skin is clammy and sweaty despite the breeze and I can see the worry that makes her entire form shake. Her khui is silent, but mine sings, uncaring of her distress. I pay it no mind—Air-ee needs other things from me right now.

  I stroke my thumb over the back of her hand and simply hold her, letting her know I am here. Letting her know she can speak when she wants. I will not rush her.

  “It’s not just the lasers,” she tells me in a sudden rush. “It’s never that. It’s never just one single thing, actually. It’s everything.”

  I nod as if I understand. Her gaze flicks back and forth as if she is trying to figure out how to put things.

  “I have a human condition called ‘anxiety.’ I don’t know if your people get it, but mine do, and it’s horrible.” Her little laugh is choked, and she looks ready to cry once more.

  “We get anxious,” I suggest. “When there are things to worry about—”

  “No, that’s just it,” she interrupts. “My brain is constantly telling me that there are things to worry about. It’s like it can’t tell the difference between one small thing that shouldn’t be an issue, and one enormous thing that should be an issue. In my head, all things are enormous problems. It’s like…” She purses her lips and sniffs, and I realize she is crying once more. My heart aches for her, because it is clear she struggles, and I wish I could help more. “It’s like…my therapist calls it a mental avalanche.”

  “An avalanche?” I echo, curious. “Your thoughts are falling like rocks?”

  Air-ee gives another choked giggle. “Not exactly. It’s…” Her trembling hand squeezes mine. “You know how even the smallest thing can cause an avalanche? It might be a single pebble at the top of a hill, but then it gains momentum, and other rocks join it, and then it turns into this massive, unstoppable cascade…that’s what I mean by an avalanche. It might just be one tiny thing, but then my brain takes that and runs with it and tells me that the worst-case scenario is going to happen and then everything seems awful and I have a panic attack and can’t breathe and then my chest hurts and that just makes things worse—” Her words sling out of her, faster and faster, her movements more frantic. “And I know that I’m catastrophizing and that I’m making it worse than it really is, but my brain can’t stop thinking that everything is a huge problem, and the more I stress, the more wound up I become and the more wound up I become, the less it takes to trigger me and—”

  “Shhh,” I murmur, because she looks as if she is about to come apart if she speaks one more word. “I understand.”

  “You do?” She looks astonished.

  “I think so.” I hold her hands tight in mine, just enjoying the feel of her fingers against my skin, the pleasure of simply touching my mate. If I could share how I felt in this moment, I would. Instead, I make my manner as calm as possible in the hopes that it will soothe her. “When I was a young boy, I decided I would go out hunting on my own. I was alone and felt very brave, and then there was an earth-shake.” I pause. “Do you have those in your world?”

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