Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  “I’m telling you, you’d love it,” he says, so sure of himself.

  His confidence is intoxicating and I feel it radiating from me, lighting a spark in my own. He’s so sure of himself, so comfortable in his own skin. It’s refreshing. I’m so used to dealing with Rob, who’s arrogant and selfish, that to deal with such a laid back, genuinely happy person is such a change of pace. Grinning over at him, I say, “I would scream so loud, someone would think I was being murdered.”

  Tucker laughs at that, but then his eyes met mine and my laughter stops. His eyes are light, playful and sweet. I want to reach over, touch his face with my fingers, feel the scruff on his chin, but instead, he says, “You know, we could scream together. I’d love to take you. It would be fun.”

  I look away, my cheeks burning scarlet. I feel horrible because I wish I could. What does that say about me? About my marriage? But I can’t help but want to go with him. Get lost in the air with him, to feel him hold me once we’re on the ground. It would be perfect. But the perfection would be ruined as soon as it started. Rob would kill me, or maybe even Tucker. Not that I would go anyway.

  “What, are you scared?” he teases but I am. Just for a different reason than he’s expecting.

  “Yeah,” I say with a strained laugh, “I wouldn’t make it.”

  “Sure you would, I’d protect you.”

  I can feel his eyes on me, but I can’t look at him. If I did he’d see how much I want that. How being in his arms, having his protection would make me the happiest person on earth.

  Nothing is said for a moment as I pick at the top of my sushi roll. It has nasty raw fish in it and as much as I want to like it, just to make him happy, I can’t. It’s gross and you know what I did, I told him that. I even covered my mouth, in complete shock when those words left my mouth but he just laughed. He didn’t care. I expected him to get mad, but he did the opposite; he told me next time I get to pick dinner.

  Insane, right?

  “It’s not as if I’m making you go, I was just picking at you.”

  I look up at him to find him watching me. “What?”

  “You got quiet on me. Don’t worry, I’m not going to make it mandatory that you go,” he says with a laugh.

  I laugh, but it’s fake. I don’t know what to say, and then, out of nowhere, I say, “I’m married.”

  When I look up, his brows are up into his hairline. His mouth is parted and he is looking at me as if I told him I like to steal food from the homeless. His eyes are so dark and I can tell he is genuinely stunned. Instantly, I feel disgusting and I look away, my heart hammering in my chest.

  “What?”

  I swallow loudly. “I’m married and I don’t think my husband would like to go sky diving, and I doubt he would let me go without him.”

  Really, he would never let me go with Tucker, or any man for that case, but I leave that out. I won’t look at him even though I can feel his eyes boring a hole in my head.

  “But, you don’t have a ring.”

  I look down at my bare hand. Rob took my rings two years ago because he says I don’t deserve to wear them. It doesn’t bother me because I don’t care. I don’t want the rings, but I hate when people ask me this. It happens a lot and my lie is kind of stupid.

  “I lost the ring in the ocean and I don’t have the money to buy another.” I’ve never even been to the ocean.

  When I look up to gauge his reaction, he looks away. I can still see the shock on his face and I feel horrible for leading him on. I guess that’s what I’ve done. How disgusting of me. How could I do that to such a great guy? I should have never flirted with him. Wait, did I flirt? Shit, I don’t know but I feel like I’ve done something wrong and I want to fix it, but how?

  A heartbeat later, he looks up at me and the shock I saw before is gone.

  “Oh, that sucks he won’t let you go. I’m sure my girlfriend would have liked to have someone to hang out with.”

  Girlfriend? Whoa, what?

  “Oh, I didn’t realize you have a girlfriend.”

  “Yeah, been together a while. How long have you been married?”

  His face is like stone and I hate it. His eyes are dark and he isn’t looking at me anymore but at the same time I notice that his chest is rising and falling quickly. I don’t know what to think, what to do, or even how to feel. Really though, why do I care? Nothing was going to happen between us anyway. Nothing. So why am I worried about his feelings or how he feels about me?

  Stupidity. I’m so freaking stupid.

  “Three years,” I answer, looking down at my fingers.

  “You married young.”

  I shrug. I hate when people say that. “When you know, you know.”

  “I guess so.”

  I watch him, my heart pounding in my chest as he moves his fingers along his leg, still not looking at me. I can’t stand the silence, and so I ask, “How long have you and your girlfriend been together?”

  “Not long,” he said with a wave. Before I can ask why he said ‘a long time’ before, he gets up and starts gathering his stuff. “I’ve got to go. I have to call my dad and stuff. This was good, Violet. I’m happy with everything.”

  I watch as he quickly picks up the trash, not letting me help before he throws everything away.

  “Me too,” I say after he is almost out my door. “Thank you for a wonderful dinner.”

  He stops. Looking over his shoulder at me. He smiles before he says, “it was great. See you tomorrow.”

  I smile back as he closes my door but then he opens it again.

  “Are you ready to go?”

  I nod. “I am closing everything down and then I’ll be ready.”

  “Okay, I’m going to do the same and I’ll meet you out front to walk you out to your car.”

  Something inside me flutters as I nod again. “Thank you.”

  I rush to get everything put up because I don’t want to keep him waiting but after locking up, I’m the one waiting for him. Finally, after what seems like forever, Tucker emerges from his office and, like before, he won’t look at me. He motions for me to go first and once the office is locked we walk to our cars. I feel like I need to say something, like I need to apologize. For the last twenty minutes I’ve been trying to come up with a reason to apologize, but I can’t think of a reason. I don’t want to apologize for leading him on, when really I did. Or did I? I’m confused and my heart is beating so damn hard my chest hurts; I have no clue how to make this right. Tucker is never this quiet and he always looks at me, but now he is doing neither and I hate the way it makes me feel.

  Letting out a breath, I reach for my keys before we reach my SUV. It’s an old beat up Ford Explorer, nothing sexy like his BMW, and I’m embarrassed to be getting in it in front of him. I wish that things were different, that I wasn’t married and that instead of looking at Tucker and wishing him goodnight, I could smother him with kisses before going home and dreaming happy dreams.

  But that’s not my life.

  My life belongs to Rob.

  Opening my car door, I look over my shoulder to find Tucker watching me. The look of melancholy on his face twists my stomach into knots, and my mouth is moving before I even think about what I’m about to say.

  “I’m sorry.”

  God, I’m so stupid!

  I want to slam the door and drive away but I know he heard me. His eyes bore into mine as he takes in a labored breath. He runs his fingers through the hair I so desperately want to touch and I can’t believe I’m jealous of his own fingers. It disgusting but before I can scold myself, he says, “Sorry?”

  I shake my head.

  “Ignore me. Goodnight, Tucker,” I say quickly but as I go to slam my door, he stops me, putting his body between me and the car door. Even with the height of my SUV, I still have to look up at him. Staring up into his angular face, eyes curious and probing, has me breathless.

  “No, why are you sorry?”

  I look down and close my eyes. Re
ally? I really had to say that? Jeez. Knowing I have no out, I decide that honesty is the best way to go about this.

  “I feel like I led you on. I’m sorry.”

  “Led me on?” He shakes his head before a smile replaces his troubled face. He chuckles before shrugging his shoulders. “No, Violet, you didn’t lead me on. I should have asked. Instead, I just jumped in like I always do. It’s not your fault; it’s mine, but it’s fine. No worries, have a goodnight. See you tomorrow.”

  He sends me one last grin but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He then slowly shuts my door and I watch his form retreat before heading home.

  I didn’t sleep at all last night.

  All I did was replay the dinner I had with Tucker the night before. Especially the part when he told me it was his fault. What the hell was his fault? I don’t get it and I am so confused it isn’t funny! It’s driving me crazy, but I have work to do. Plus, why does it matter? Tucker McCloud means nothing to me.

  So why does he feel like everything?

  Moving a window to the side on my computer, I lean on my hand as I click through boring insurance paperwork. I’d rather be out in the office staring at Tucker, but not today. I have too much work and of course, that’s a horrible idea. Staring at him will not cure me of my insane crush. It would probably make it worse.

  When my phone rings, I see that it’s Rob.

  Shit.

  “Hello?” I ask.

  “Hey, your mom keeps calling the house phone. She said something about not liking to call you at work, and she wants to talk to me but I’m walking out the door. Call her.”

  He’s such a liar. He doesn’t want to talk to her because he knows she will cuss him out for not letting me come home but instead of pointing that out, I say, “Thanks, I’ll call her now.”

  “Whatever. Remember you’re not going.”

  “I know,” I say and then hang up. I’ll probably hear it later that I didn’t say ‘bye’ but whatever. Dialing my mom’s number, she answers on the third ring.

  “Hey, sweetie,” she says.

  “Hey, Rob said you were calling. Is everything okay? How’s Grandma?”

  She lets out an annoyed breath. “I was trying to get a hold of that husband of yours to talk some sense in him. You need to be here. This is such bull-Oh-wait, grandma wants to talk to you.”

  An ache throbs in my chest as my grandma’s lilting voice rings over the line.

  “Hey, ladybug.”

  Tears gather in my eyes. I miss her so much and hate that I’m not there.

  “Hi, grandma, how’re you feeling?”

  “Alright today. I miss you, ladybug, you know that right?”

  “I know, I miss you too, and I’m so sorry I’m not there,” I say around the lump in my throat.

  “It’s fine, you’re in my heart. You’ll always be there.”

  “And you’ll always be in mine.”

  Suddenly she is coughing, a deep cough that rattles in her chest, and my heart breaks at the sound. I close my eyes, tears leaking down my cheeks from the horrible noise. I want to be there. I wish I was holding her in my arms the way she did when I was a child. Hate burns inside me and I would give anything not to be married to the monster I’m married to. How could he keep me away from her? Why is he doing this to me?

  When the coughing subsides, she gasps for breath. My mom’s hushed voice comes over the line in the background. She’s trying to take the phone but my grandma won’t let her. She still wants to talk to me.

  “Promise me something,” she says once she is able to speak.

  I wipe my face, taking in a deep breath before saying, “Anything.”

  She pauses for only a second, taking in a wheezing breath before she whispers, “be happy.”

  That breaks me and I put the phone down as I silently sob. How the fuck can I promise something like that? Happiness is unattainable to me. I am constantly walking on eggshells, watching my back and I never know if I’ll make it to the next day, so how in the world can I promise that? Do I lie? Do I tell her the truth – that I’ll never be happy and that I’m sorry? That I did the opposite of what they raised me to do? Instead of finding a man to love and cherish me, I found one that beats the shit out of me and hates me?

  I want to tell her everything, but I know that she’ll tell my mom and my mom can’t handle this right now. She has enough to deal with. So I do what I’ve been doing for the last three years.

  I lie.

  “I promise, grandma.”

  “That’s my girl. I love you, ladybug.”

  “I love you.”

  I hear the exchange of the phone and soon my mom is on the line.

  “I am so disgusted with Rob, Violet June,” my mother says in a hushed whisper.

  “Mom, I told you, it’s my work. I can’t leave right now. I have so much going on-”

  “Stop!” she yells and I jump in surprise. “I know that asshole isn’t letting you come and I could kill him, Violet, I could, and I will if you aren’t here for the funeral. I need you.”

  Her voice breaks and I slump to my desk, laying my forehead on the cool wood. I want to run to my car, go to the airport and leave, but with what money? I can’t even drive because Rob fills up my tank when it needs it and all I have on me is thirty-six bucks. It wouldn’t even get me halfway there. I don’t know what to do. I know I could get the money from Tucker, or even my mom, but I’m too scared to do it and I can honestly say I hate Rob. I want to kill him, just like my mom wants to, but I know I won’t. I know I’ll stay where I am and never try to do what my grandmother made me promise to do.

  I’m stuck, and I hate myself for it.

  “Mom, I’m sorry I’m not there. I promise if I could, I would be and I will try my hardest to be there for the funeral.”

  My mom pauses before taking in a deep breath and letting it out. I can tell that she wants to say more, but she won’t. I won’t listen. I won’t do what she wants. I will continue to disappoint her and I don’t know how to change that. Or I do, I’m just too scared to do it.

  In a strained voice, my mother says, “I hope so.”

  I move my fingers along my cheeks, catching my tears. I want to guarantee her I’ll be there, but I can’t. All I can do is hope, but in all reality, why?

  Hoping has never done anything before and I doubt it will now.

  The rest of my week didn’t get better. All I did was miss my grandma and hate myself for not having the strength to do what she wished. I couldn’t help but be disgusted in myself for staying, for letting someone completely control me. Why did I allow this to happen? Is there a way out? Every scenario I come up with always leads to Rob stopping me. I can’t ask for a divorce; he’d kill me. I can’t run; he’d find me and then kill me. I can’t kill him because I don’t want to go to jail and more than likely he’ll kill me before I can kill him. I could tell my mom. Maybe she could help, but what if Rob killed us both? I’ve seen Rob overreact and it’s was scary as hell. I don’t know what I can do, and it scares me to the core that I have no other options. How did I let this happen?

  Leaning against the wall in the office, watching as my staff works, I can’t help but be jealous of them all. I bet they all have great lives. Loving husband or boyfriends. I know that Tonya is a single mom but she’s happy. She tells me all the time how much she loves her children and her life. I yearn to be happy, to be loved and to be cherished. I just wish I had it in me to fight for what I want.

  When a patient’s room door opens and Tucker comes out, I can’t help but stare. His dark slacks and light purple shirt with a silver tie make him look like a businessman straight out of some magazine. His stark white jacket tells everyone to call him Dr. T and it makes me smile. I don’t understand it since I think Dr. McCloud sounds a lot more professional, but he said he isn’t old yet. He’s young and wants to stay that way. I watch as he walks out with one of our elderly patients, his hand on his shoulder as they discuss the weather. His eyes only meet mine for a
second and it only takes that one second for my skin to break out in gooseflesh and for my heart to flutter in my chest. It has been like that all week. He won’t look at me for long and it’s driving me insane. I don’t think I’ve been hit with the full force of his grin in four days. Four days! It’s horrible and I miss it, despite the fact that I shouldn’t miss or want anything from that man.

  But I still do.

  Tucker shakes hands with the patient and I smile when his face breaks into a huge grin.

  “My daughter is single, Dr. T. She’s a gorgeous thing too, and needs a good man,” the patient says.

  Everyone around them giggles, including me. All our elderly patients try to fix Tucker up with someone. Even Dr. McCloud has tried. My heart always falls into my stomach through, because I don’t want him to be fixed up with anyone. It shouldn’t matter.

  I’m married.

  “I might fit the bill, Mr. Edwards, but I’m sorry. I have my eyes set on someone else,” Tucker says and I swear to God, his eyes flickered to mine. I want to ask everyone if they saw it, or even what he means, but I don’t. Instead I continue to watch him while acting as if I am working something on the tablet I’m holding. I don’t know if I look convincing, but I can’t help but stare at him.

  “You know, Violet, I think he’s talking about you.”

  I jump in surprise and look to my left to find Ms. Yolanda smiling at me.

  “Excuse me?” I ask, even though I heard her just fine.

  She leans in, her voice in a whisper as she repeats herself. “Tucker. I think he only has eyes for you.”

  She adds a wink and I can’t help but laugh.

  “I’m married,” I say with a wave of my hand.

  She smiles. “Married or not, that boy has a crush on you.”

  My body tingles at the thought of him having a crush on me. I mean, I know it isn’t true, but wouldn’t it be great? It would also be great if I could leave Rob, and skydive into the sunset with Tucker.

  Yeah, that would be just fucking grand, but oh well. Enough day dreaming. Back to work.