3

by Jacob Z. Flores

  Spencer laughed as well, but his laughter represented uncertainty rather than true amusement. Spencer didn’t know what to make of him, and Dutch liked it that way. He wanted to keep Spencer guessing.

  “You most definitely are a flirt, Mr. Keller,” Spencer finally said. “Just like Justin. The two of you should meet. Perhaps you can come for dinner one night.”

  “I don’t think so,” he said much too quickly to be casual. Spencer’s face clearly expressed bewilderment at his hasty response. “Not that I don’t want to meet your partner,” he added quickly. “I’m just really busy after work these days. Right now, I’m barely two class days ahead of my students. My evenings are reserved for quick meals, research, and planning. I’m sure you understand.”

  Spencer nodded. “I remember those days, but it does get better. Next semester, you’ll be able to relax a bit on planning. But then you’ll see all the areas that need to be fixed and the process starts all over again.”

  “Thanks,” he replied. “I feel so much better.”

  Spencer laughed. “It takes a few years to get comfortable with your curriculum and teaching styles. You’ll always make adjustments. I know I still do, but it’s nowhere near as hectic as your first year. I promise.”

  Spencer’s friendly reassurance made him feel awful again. This game was mean and spiteful, and Spencer deserved better. He truly was a good man. Dutch could feel it. His eyes and his demeanor revealed a good heart and a good soul. He could even see why Justin fell in love with this man.

  The best thing for him to do was to abandon this plan, to not let the darkness, which angrily swirled within him, take him away and turn him into somebody he wouldn’t even recognize.

  “Now, let’s do lunch,” Spencer said, rising from his desk. “Have you been to Henry’s Puffy Tacos?”

  He shook his head.

  “Do you like Mexican food?”

  “I love Mexican food,” he answered. “And I’m partial to dark-skinned men too.”

  Spencer chuckled. “Me too,” he said. “I gravitate toward them like it’s my job or something.”

  Now it was his turn to laugh. “But I never turn down a good piece of white meat.” He winked suggestively at Spencer once again, unable to stop himself.

  “Who can?” Spencer asked. “White meat is much better for you.” Spencer winked back. His eyes sparkled not only with playfulness but also with a hint of coquettishness. “Now let’s go,” he said. Spencer grabbed his keys and walked toward the office door. “I’m famished, and the waiters there are cute. I shamelessly flirt with them whenever I go.”

  “I bet,” Dutch replied while walking out of Spencer’s office and into the hall.

  “And I get great service.”

  Spencer locked his office door, and they walked toward the stairway. As they descended, doubts once again surfaced. This wasn’t the type of man Dutch wanted to be, yet he felt powerless to stop the train that was already barreling down the track.

  CHAPTER 31

  2010

  AS JUSTIN parked his car and walked toward the hospital, his routine for the past week, he was pleased that things, at least with Dutch, appeared to be on the right track. He’d promised Dutch he wouldn’t abandon him as he did the last time, and he intended to keep his word. Every day after school, he brought Dutch a treat. Yesterday it was a chocolate milkshake from McDonald’s. Today, it was an Ocean Water slushie from Sonic. It wasn’t much, but Dutch appreciated the break from the hospital food, which was getting increasingly harder for him to stomach.

  Dutch’s recuperation steadily progressed. Though still paralyzed from the waist down, his internal injuries had all but healed. Tomorrow was his scheduled discharge from the hospital, with daily rehabilitation at the hospital’s outpatient clinic. With luck and with patience, Dutch would reach full mobility again by Christmas.

  Tomorrow was a big day for Dutch. And for him. Tomorrow was also the day he had to move out of the house he’d shared with Spencer for the past nine years. He had no desire to leave Spencer or their house, but Spencer refused to listen to argument. He wouldn’t even speak with Justin on the phone or in person.

  Communication between them had been reduced to voice mails and e-mails. Spencer denied all his requests to talk in person, whether he begged to be let in at the office or home door. Spencer’s response was always the same: I have nothing else to say. According to Spencer’s last e-mail, their relationship was over. He had to start over, and the only way for him to do that was for Justin to move out.

  Spencer had made it clear there were no other options.

  So tomorrow, while Dutch left the hospital, Justin would be leaving his house and moving in with his mother, who was distraught. She hated the idea of her boys separating. She attempted to contact Spencer to intervene, but Spencer had cut all ties with not only Justin but his family and their friends.

  Spencer lived in isolation now, safe behind the walls Justin had once broken down. He hated himself for doing that to Spencer, for causing him to revert to his previous introverted personality. The man he knew was the social butterfly, the one who planned all the get-togethers and dinner parties.

  The man who now inhabited Spencer’s body was a stranger, someone neither he nor his friends knew. Although the majority of their friends were angry with Justin for cheating, they were equally upset with Spencer for turning his back on them. They didn’t understand why he’d cut them out of his life.

  Frankly, Justin didn’t understand it either.

  He knew Spencer better than anyone. Spencer never acted foolishly, and his behavior, whether it was brought on by the affair or not, was foolish. It made him wonder if something else was going on, but when he tried to figure out what it could possibly be, he came up empty.

  All he was left with was that the pain he inflicted had been too much for Spencer to handle, so he’d shut down completely.

  The chime of the elevator doors snapped him out of his troublesome thoughts. When the doors opened, he exited and walked down the hall to Dutch’s room.

  While his relationship with Spencer spiraled toward disaster, his friendship with Dutch remained unchanged. He still loved Dutch immensely. He wanted nothing more than for Dutch to fully recover from his injuries. But he wasn’t deluding himself. His relationship with Dutch had to end in order for there to be a future for him and Spencer.

  A future his friends and his family didn’t believe would happen as long as he visited Dutch. No one understood why he continued to come to the hospital.

  You’re not showing him you’re sorry, his mother fretted.

  This is just fucked up, Tyler yelled at him. If I were Spencer, I’d think you’d chosen Dutch too! Cut him out of your life. Don’t talk to him. Don’t visit him. Just be done with him.

  You know, you’re ruining your chances to reconcile, don’t you? both Jill and Chris asked him over dinner.

  I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t stop being such a dipshit, Patrick told him while Heather begged her husband to calm down.

  He’s not talking to us because of you, Teresa told him. He’s embarrassed. You’re embarrassing him and yourself.

  He’d given up trying to explain his actions. There was no way they could understand. The affair had hurt Spencer and Dutch. Justin broke both of their hearts and was responsible for setting both of them right once again. He refused to be any more like his father than he already was.

  How could they understand that he had to rectify what he had done and the only way to do that was to see both Spencer and Dutch through their pain?

  He wanted to rebuild his life with Spencer, but his efforts were blocked on all fronts. After tomorrow, though, his energies would once again focus on only Spencer, even if he was moving out of their house. Dutch’s discharge from the hospital meant his work was complete. He’d seen Dutch through his recuperation and would feel no guilt when he returned his attention to Spencer.

  Spencer might have said they were over, but Justin refu
sed to accept it. If it took him the rest of his life, he planned on once again channeling the magic that brought them together in the first place.

  “I’m back,” he told Dutch, who sat up in his hospital bed watching Jeopardy. Over the past week, Dutch had started to look like his old self. The majority of his cuts and bruises had healed. His lips were no longer cracked and bloodied. The angry red cut on his cheek had lost its fury, but a scar remained as a reminder of the tragedy. “Still watching television, I see.”

  “I fucking hate Alex Trebek,” Dutch said, turning off the television set with the bedside remote. “He thinks he’s so smart when he has all the damn answers on his monitor screen.”

  “You just hate that you don’t get most of the harder questions,” he told Dutch while handing him the slushie from Sonic.

  “I do not,” Dutch lied. He took a sip of the slushie and grinned. “I choose not to answer those.”

  Justin only smirked in response. He wasn’t getting drawn into another Jeopardy debate about how the questions were given to the contestants in order to make the average American feel stupid. It was wiser, and easier, to switch subjects. “So, big day tomorrow?” he asked. “You excited about being sprung from this joint?”

  Dutch nodded while sucking down more of the slushie. “I can’t wait to be home. Sleep in my own bed. And no Nurse Ratched to come skulking around at night.”

  He laughed. Everyone hated Nurse Ratched, whose bedside manner was rude at best. “You never know, she might just pay you nightly visits at your house.”

  “Shut your mouth,” Dutch said. “That would scare the crap out of me!” He put the half-finished drink on the rollaway table. “Besides, she was almost pleasant last night. I considered asking her if she’d run over a small child or something.”

  It had been so long since someone quoted Steel Magnolias to him that Justin couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably. The laughter felt good, transporting him back to happier times.

  “Sorry about getting all Clairee Belcher on you,” Dutch said. “But I love that movie even though you don’t. It’s got some great one-liners.”

  “I know,” he told Dutch, who had no idea that Steel Magnolias was his and Spencer’s favorite movie. While he’d shared many things about his life with Spencer, he’d neglected to share that part with Dutch. He knew the movie was a favorite of Dutch’s, but months ago, when Dutch asked him if he wanted to watch it with him, he told him no. He’d lied and said he hated the movie.

  He never understood why he did that. Dutch already knew so much about his life with Spencer, and the two of them had already slept together. Still, he didn’t want to watch the movie with Dutch. It was something that was just for him and Spencer.

  “So, what happens after tomorrow?” Dutch asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Where are you going to go? I know tomorrow’s the day you move out.”

  “I’ll move in with my mom,” he said. “I’m not looking forward to that. Not that I hate my mom or anything, but it’s a step backwards. Going back home means failure to me. And I don’t do failure very well.”

  “Maybe you don’t have to,” Dutch told him. “Move in with me.”

  The suggestion took him off guard. While he wasn’t excited about moving in with his mother, he had no intention of moving in with Dutch. The idea was ridiculous. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You heard me. Move in with me.”

  He eyed Dutch suspiciously. Dutch knew he intended to get back with Spencer. Moving in together would only hurt those chances. “I’m not moving in with you,” he finally said. “And you know why.”

  “Stop staring at me as if I’m crazy or trying to ruin your chances of reuniting with Spencer,” Dutch said. His eyes were clear and focused. “I’m not on the make to keep you in my life forever.”

  “Then why do you want me to move in with you?”

  “Move in together?” Heidi exclaimed. Dutch’s sister rushed into the hospital room, completely oblivious to the fact that she was intruding. “That would be a load off my mind.”

  “What?” he asked her absently. He was still reeling from the absurdity of Dutch’s suggestion and trying to gauge the true intentions behind the request. “Why would you say that?”

  “I have to get home to the kids soon,” she said. Heidi plopped herself down into the chair next to Dutch’s bed. She propped her feet onto the mattress and sat back in the chair. “Naturally, I wanted Lukas to come with me, but his attorney told me there was no way my dumbass brother would be allowed to leave the city, much less the state, after his DWI.”

  “What?” Dutch asked. “How long am I stuck here?”

  Heidi shrugged her shoulders in response. “That’s up to the judge, but you’ll likely be doing serious community service for a few years, and with your injuries, you probably won’t do jail time. You may face house arrest for six days, though. It’s your first offense, so you’ll get some leniency, especially since no one else but you was hurt, but you won’t get enough leeway to leave the state. You’ll have to pay some hefty fines and attend DWI school.”

  Justin watched the magnitude of Heidi’s words weigh down upon Dutch. He had been so focused on his recuperation he’d completely forgotten about the consequences of his drunk driving.

  “That’s why I’m happy to hear Justin will be moving in with you,” Heidi said.

  “I haven’t said I was,” he added. “That was Dutch’s harebrained idea.”

  Heidi’s expression changed swiftly. Her wide, friendly hazel eyes grew cloudy with anger. The lively green drained from the irises, leaving only a harsh brown that threatened to go black. Her wide smile, the one that always joyously greeted him, tightened. She rose slowly from her reclined position and took measured steps toward him.

  He had no idea what caused the change. According to Dutch, his sister was the most even-tempered person in the world. He told stories of Heidi staying calm when everyone else around her had lost their senses. She was described as a peacemaker, the one who smoothed over disagreements, the voice of reason.

  That woman was nowhere to be seen.

  “Harebrained?” she asked, her voice low and tense. “My brother is paralyzed from driving while drunk because he was so upset that you left him, that you suddenly grew a conscience and realized cheating on your man was wrong.”

  “Heidi, listen….”

  “My brother needs the support and care of his family,” she continued, as if he hadn’t spoken. “Support that can’t be given, no matter how much I want to give it, because he can’t come home with me. He’s stuck here because he fucked up, but he’s stuck here because you fucked him up while fucking him. I can’t stay here forever. I have children who need me. He can’t come home with me. And you have the gall to say that moving in with him is a harebrained idea.”

  “It’s just that I have to focus on Spencer and me right now.”

  “That’s right,” Heidi said. She was now standing toe to toe with him. “It’s always about you, isn’t it? It’s never about anyone else. It’s always what Justin wants.”

  “That’s not fair,” he said while putting some distance between them, but the truth of her words stung him harder than if she had slapped him. Justin was selfish and self-centered. The mess he was currently in was because he not only cheated but fell in love with another man. This whole situation centered on his wants, his needs, his desires. When was he going to think about someone else beside himself?

  “Who said it was fair?” Heidi asked, drawing him out of his self-loathing. Her voice was still low, but the anger within it was all-consuming. “Nothing about this situation is fair. But you owe it to my brother to help him now. You weren’t there before, and you say you’re sorry. Well, now it’s time to prove it. Be a man and do something or do what you’re best at and leave.”

  “I don’t need any favors,” Dutch said. “I can make it on my own.”

  Heidi spun around. The hell storm was n
ow headed for him.

  “You need to stop being so bullheaded,” she told her brother. “You need help, and you’ll have it before I leave.”

  “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” Dutch announced.

  “Yes,” she said. “You’ve done a fabulous job of that so far.”

  Justin stood in front of them, quietly contemplating his options. Was this why Dutch had asked him to move in? Did he know Heidi was leaving? Was the request Dutch’s way of asking for more help? Was he once again being self-centered and not recognizing that?

  He had promised to help Dutch through his recuperation, and if he said no now, he would once again be abandoning Dutch in his time of need. But if he agreed, he also gambled with losing Spencer for good.

  For the second time, he faced making a choice between Dutch and Spencer. He wanted to choose Spencer, but that was a selfish choice. It was about what he wanted, not about what he should do. Besides, Spencer’s last words were about how the two of them were never supposed to be a choice. They just were.

  He still didn’t fully understand what that meant, but he knew enough that if he were ever to get Spencer back, choice wouldn’t be a part of the equation. It would just be.

  “I’ll do it,” Justin finally agreed.

  Heidi turned back toward him. The winds of her storm abated.

  “You’re right,” he told Heidi. He approached her cautiously and took her hand. “I have to make amends to more than just Spencer. I need to set things right with Dutch too. I made a promise to him, and I intend to keep it.”

  As swiftly as the storm came on, it disappeared. Her smile and her wide eyes once again lit Heidi’s face. She took Justin in her arms and hugged him tightly. “Thank you, Justin. I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”

  She embraced him. While they hugged, a strange expression flashed across Dutch’s face. It was a combination of satisfaction and worry. He wondered why those emotions floated so closely to Dutch’s surface.

  For some inexplicable reason, his world felt out of his control, as if some unseen hand was directing his actions.