3

by Jacob Z. Flores

  CHAPTER 32

  2009

  APPROPRIATE self-control tumbled from Spencer’s grasp as he stood outside Treadaway Hall, which housed single-room student dorms and the faculty offices for the Speech Communications and Fine Arts Department.

  Dutch’s office was located on the second floor, and even though he knew he shouldn’t climb the steps to the office, he wanted to see Dutch, to rekindle a friendship that had grown despite their awkward lunch about a month ago. Since that lunch, not being alone with Dutch had proved a more prudent course of action, but today he felt compelled to abandon caution in order to find the truth behind the recent changes in Dutch and their friendship.

  He genuinely liked Dutch, and they frequently had lunch together, up until a couple of weeks ago, when Dutch stopped returning his calls and e-mails. He had withdrawn, not only from him but from the rest of the world. When he was on campus, which wasn’t very frequently these days, he stayed in his office, behind a closed door. He only opened it when the occasional student came by to see him, although most of his students now ran in the other direction when they saw him coming.

  According to Dr. Peggy Cutting, his dear friend and department chair, Dutch’s attitude and attendance had sharply declined. Several students complained about him every other week, citing gruff behavior and unclear assignments as their chief grievances. Dr. Cutting and the dean were beginning to regret their decision to hire Dutch. Plans were already in motion to either put him on notice or terminate him outright.

  He couldn’t help but wonder if Dutch’s new attitude had anything to do with what had happened at lunch. He thought they had gotten past it, but no matter how hard Spencer tried to act indifferently about it, Dutch appeared to know better, as if he could peer through Spencer’s layers and see the truth.

  Do you even know what the truth is? his father’s voice asked.

  The return of his father’s voice startled him. For almost ten years, his father hadn’t spoken to him from the depths of his subconscious, not since Justin’s love quieted his rants. When it disappeared, he thought his father’s stint as his super ego had finally concluded. Apparently, that was no longer the case.

  Oh, don’t be so surprised to hear from me, his father said. Especially now. I always resurface in times of real distress. And, boy, you’re in over your queer little head.

  I have no idea what you’re referring to, he thought. I’m just here to help a friend who’s in distress. I’m not the one in trouble.

  His father laughed. As always, no joy emanated from his father. His laughter was the equivalent of mocking. You will be soon enough.

  Silence followed the last comment. In the past, his father’s voice would taunt him, sometimes for hours. Never before had his father grown quiet so quickly. That worried Spencer immensely.

  Was he right? he wondered. Was he walking into a situation he should instead be running from?

  Unable to move, still battling for self-control, Spencer leaned against the brown brick wall opposite the big wooden doors that led up to the office complex on the second floor. His mind drifted back to the lunch he and Dutch had shared several weeks ago.

  The waiter, who was exceptionally cute and no more than twenty, sat them at a table for two along the far west wall of the restaurant. Even though Henry’s was quite busy, as it always was during lunchtime, the hostess quickly saw that a table was prepared for Spencer. As a regular of more than five years, he enjoyed some special treatment.

  “I enjoy lunching with a man who has pull,” Dutch said while nodding toward other customers who were still waiting to be seated.

  “What can I say?” he asked. “I’m quite popular.”

  “I see that,” Dutch added. “Our waiter couldn’t keep his eyes off you.”

  Spencer laughed. He’d also noticed the way their waiter stared at him with a spark of attraction lighting up his eyes. “Are you surprised that you’re not the only one who finds me attractive?”

  His comment unsettled Dutch. He averted his eyes and squirmed in his seat. “What do you mean?”

  “You told me you thought I was attractive in my office, remember? How quickly they forget!” he joked.

  Dutch sighed, while appearing visibly relieved. “Of course,” he finally said. “Then you scared me by insinuating sexual harassment.”

  “I insinuated nothing,” he responded. “It was indeed sexual harassment. You were just lucky I enjoy being sexually harassed.” He winked at Dutch, signaling to him that the joke was still in play. Yet he wondered why his previous comment unsettled Dutch so much. He looked like someone who had been found out instead of someone who had already been let in on the joke.

  “This place is nice,” Dutch said, looking around the restaurant.

  Spencer nodded in agreement. He followed Dutch’s gaze around the room. Although he practically had the décor memorized from all the lunches he’d eaten here over the years, the interior always made him feel at home.

  “I enjoy it,” he added as he followed the multicolored lights that ran diagonally from one corner of the restaurant to the other. “That’s why I come here like two or three times a week.”

  “Damn.” Dutch whistled. “How do you manage to stay in such good shape?”

  “I have a high metabolism. Plus, I work out three to four times a week.”

  “Very nice,” replied Dutch, eying him up and down.

  “I see you’re flirting again, Mr. Keller.”

  “Not at all,” Dutch said. “I’m merely checking out the goods. I’m a gay man. It’s what we do.”

  Spencer laughed. He was enjoying the sexually charged banter. It took his mind off his trouble at home. Since he had returned from England, he and Justin had worked hard to put their relationship back together. Progress had been made, even though he'd thought they were headed for an official parting of the ways at first.

  When he returned, Justin was extremely glad to have him home. He was happy to see Justin too. After all, they had been separated for four months. He had expected their first night home together to be filled with passion, a veritable fuck fest to end all fuck fests.

  Instead, they talked. They talked about what they wanted and where the relationship was going, and even if it was ending. When they both decided to continue to work things out, they went to bed, without having sex.

  When they finally had sex the following morning, their rhythm felt off. The intimacy was still good, but it wasn’t the same. It was like Justin still held a part of himself back, fearful that Spencer would once again leave. He tried to assure Justin he wasn’t going anywhere, that he had learned his lesson. What they needed was to be together, not apart.

  For the next few weeks, Justin remained distant, spending more time at work than at home. But one day, the distance ended. He came home to a Justin who reminded him of the man he first met at the Bonham. His brown eyes were wild with desire, and in his eyes he saw only his reflection, as if Spencer was the only person who existed in Justin’s world.

  That night, they had the best sex of their lives, multiple times.

  He had no idea what had happened to cause the change. He was simply grateful that it had.

  Recently, though, a subtle change came over Justin. He looked depressed, as if he had lost something dear to him and had no idea how to find it. Whenever Spencer asked him what was wrong, Justin replied that there was nothing wrong. That everything was A-OK.

  He wanted to call him a liar, but he saw the truth in Justin’s eyes. Justin truly believed that nothing was wrong. He had no idea he sighed heavily or that his shoulders constantly slumped, when his posture used to be straight and confident.

  Try as he might, Spencer couldn’t figure out the cause of Justin’s unhappiness, and he spent many sleepless nights trying to arrive at an answer. The only one he consistently found was that Justin no longer wanted to be with him and regretted trying to patch their relationship back together.

  But he had no idea why he might feel that way now
, when they had practically returned to the way things once were.

  “Where did you just go?”

  Dutch’s question brought him out of his thoughts. “What?”

  “You zoned out there for awhile. I kept calling your name, but you wouldn’t respond.”

  “Sorry about that,” he said. “Just lost in thought, I guess.”

  “Looked like some pretty heavy thoughts,” Dutch added. “Feel like sharing?”

  Spencer had many friends he could have opened up to if he wanted, but he never felt like he could. All his friends were Justin’s friends. If he told them his fears, they would overreact and confront Justin. He didn’t want that.

  Dutch wouldn’t do that. He didn’t know him and Justin as a couple. Dutch only knew him and could provide his perspective, either telling him he was crazy or confirming his fears.

  Before he could say anything though, the waiter returned to take their orders. He ordered a Henry’s Puffy Taco Plate with two carne guisada tacos. Dutch said he would have the same. They both ordered tea.

  “So, you going to tell me or not?” Dutch asked once the waiter left their table.

  For reasons he couldn’t explain, his desire to confess all to Dutch disappeared. Perhaps it was the relative newness of their friendship or his preference to keep his private life private, but Spencer no longer wished to divulge his relationship concerns.

  “Nothing interesting, really,” he lied. “Just a project Dr. Cutting has me working on.” Before Dutch could ask, he added, “And I don’t want to talk business on my lunch hour.”

  Dutch nodded his understanding. From the shadows, which lurked in the corners of his eyes, Spencer could tell Dutch didn’t believe him. He was simply letting the matter drop. Spencer appreciated the gesture.

  “No business,” Dutch agreed. “I preferred our previous topic anyway.”

  “What topic was that?” he asked.

  “You liking sexual harassment,” Dutch reminded him. “It bodes well for our continued friendship.”

  Spencer chuckled. “Does it now?”

  Dutch nodded. “I’m guessing you and your partner have an open relationship?”

  The question took Spencer by surprise. “Why would you say that?”

  “Just an assumption,” responded Dutch. “Based purely on your fondness of sexual harassment from other men.”

  Spencer couldn’t help but feel there was more to his new friend’s comment. There was something just behind the curiosity that told him Dutch had a secret of some kind just itching to be told. “So,” he said, adding emphasis to the vowel to punctuate his response, “you think I’m some insatiable man whore who isn’t satisfied by just one man?”

  “Not at all,” Dutch answered. Spencer found his backpedaling amusing. “I was simply curious as to the nature of your relationship. I apologize if I’ve crossed a line.”

  “You have, but to set the record straight, we don’t have an open relationship. I just enjoy flirting. It’s harmless and fun.”

  “I see,” Dutch said. “And the two of you have never had a threesome?”

  Spencer was floored. He had never been asked such personal questions by someone he didn’t know very well, much less someone he worked with. He found the questions rude and inappropriate. He really wanted to tell Dutch to mind his own business, but when he stared into his crystal blue eyes, the words refused to form on his lips.

  Those eyes were dangerous, something he’d noticed when they first met at Dutch’s interview. They had struck him dumb and made him virtually useless. Had he not recovered in time, he would have made a complete fool of himself in front of his boss and his boss’s boss.

  “Yes, we have,” he finally admitted, surprising himself by answering. “But we don’t do that anymore. It caused problems.”

  “I can understand that,” replied Dutch. “If I had someone like you in my bed, I wouldn’t dare let anyone else touch you.”

  Dutch ran his big index finger along the back of Spencer’s hand and up his wrist. The touch was delicate and sensual, a long feathery stroke that sent thousands of vibrations rippling through his body. Spencer found the contact arousing and troublesome.

  He couldn’t deny his sexual attraction to Dutch. He had been instantly drawn to him upon first meeting, but he was in love with Justin. He was committed to him and had been for almost a decade.

  Now, though, he envisioned Dutch naked in bed, his hairy body rubbing against his smooth white skin. His big hands rubbing across his flesh, pinching his nipples. The feel of his rock-hard erection pushing against his stomach. Hot, wet kisses covering his chest and his face. The scraping of Dutch’s scruffy face against his inner thighs and his ass. The smell of sex and sweat stifling the room.

  His cheeks sizzled. He knew they were flushed. The images were hot but unsettling. He felt dirty, his soul and heart polluted.

  He felt like an adulterer.

  Instantly, he withdrew his hand from Dutch’s touch. “Although I appreciate flirtation, I think physical contact blurs lines that need to remain in focus.” He placed his hands in his lap, covering the rock-hard bulge in his trousers.

  “I apologize,” Dutch said, a smile hanging on his lips. He looked like a kid who got caught eating candy but still wanted more. “I just felt this connection between us and thought that maybe…,well, it doesn’t matter. I was wrong.”

  “Yes,” he told Dutch, “you were.”

  The waiter brought their glasses of tea. Spencer grabbed his glass and swallowed at least half of its contents.

  “I apologize again,” Dutch said while taking a sip of his tea.

  “I want us to be friends,” Spencer replied, once he finally caught his breath. “Nothing more.”

  Dutch nodded his understanding and changed the subject to the recent revision of the attendance policy on campus. Spencer found the shift jarring but went with the conversation flow. They discussed the nuances of the revised policy, and he helped Dutch understand some parts he claimed to be confused about.

  But while they talked, and throughout the rest of lunch, Spencer felt the weight of their sexual tension pressing against him. It urged him closer to Dutch, and the look in Dutch’s eyes told him that Dutch was merely biding his time, as if he knew they would end up naked in bed eventually.

  “Have a good afternoon, Dr. Harrison,” one of his students from Intermediate Spanish told him while walking by. Spencer returned the greeting, and then continued staring at the wooden doors.

  He had a decision to make. Either he was going to go through the doors, go up the stairs, and confront his friend about the startling shift in his professional and personal attitude, or he was going to walk back to his building, ignoring a friend in potential trouble but remaining true to his decision not to be alone with Dutch.

  “He’s a friend,” he whispered. “And he’s in trouble.”

  Spencer pushed away from the wall and made his way toward the wooden doors. He’d never walked away from a friend in need before. He didn’t intend on starting now.

  I hope you’re prepared for the consequences, his father said as he journeyed up the steps.

  CHAPTER 33

  2010

  IT WAS a daring journey, one Dutch wasn’t comfortable with. It reminded him more of a train speeding toward a bend in the tracks, risking derailment, than a trip designed to bring about closure. Still, it was one he’d promised to undertake.

  Whether he liked it or not, and he didn’t, he was along for the ride.

  Justin carried in his suitcase, filled with clothes that had once hung in the closet he shared with Spencer. Those clothes would now hang in the spare bedroom in Dutch’s house, where they would live together until Dutch was physically rehabilitated and freed from house arrest, probation, and DWI school.

  Dutch sat in his wheelchair, watching Justin silently transport his belongings from his car to the guest bedroom, down the hall from Dutch’s room. It was difficult for him to see Justin once again in his house, w
here they had shared their bodies and their lives.

  In the guest bedroom, while they’d both hung a new ceiling fan, they had discussed their families and how much they loved them. They revealed family secrets most people in their lives didn’t know. Justin’s Aunt Olga once had an affair with a car salesman that almost ended her marriage; his brother-in-law Chase currently resided in a Massachusetts Correctional Facility in Cedar Junction for identity fraud.

  While they shaved in the bathroom, they’d told stories of their childhoods. Dutch once convinced his sister to get in the dryer to see what happened when he turned it on. He told her it would be like a carnival ride. Luckily, his mother stopped him before he permanently pressed his sister. Justin once dared his cousin Henry, his Uncle Ricky’s son, to lie in front of his bike while Justin attempted to hop over him. The experiment failed, and Henry suffered a few cracked ribs, which was nothing compared to the spanking Justin received from both his Uncle Ricky and his mother.

  During meal preparation in the kitchen and then at the dining room table, they had talked about past relationships. Before Spencer, Justin had the hots for his current best friend Tyler. But his feelings for Tyler were a rebound emotion. He had still been getting over the failure of his two-year relationship with Kyle. It had ended because Justin refused to come out of the closet; at that time, he wasn’t ready for the world to know. Dutch told Justin about Todd, his last long-term relationship. He had been drawn to Todd’s adventurous spirit, but after moving in together, he realized adventurous also meant rudderless. Todd lacked ambition and drive; he stayed home all day playing computer games while Dutch worked. Eventually, the strain killed the relationship.

  His house and all its rooms had similar stories. They had discussed politics in the living room; Dutch was fiscally conservative but socially liberal. Justin was a full-fledged Democrat. In the master bedroom, they talked about religion and its effect on the nation’s laws. Both wanted more separation between church and state, but their views on religion greatly differed. They were both Roman Catholic, but that was where their similarities ended. A devout Catholic, Dutch had difficulty with Justin’s animosity toward the church. The church’s stance against homosexuality and their leniency on pedophilia in the priesthood enraged him. Justin thought the Catholic Church to be overrun with hypocrites and dangerous extremists, including Pope Benedict. They'd debated the church in almost every room of the house.