Courage

by Kristen Proby

  “No, you said no PlayStation for Christmas,” he reminds me and reaches for a cookie, taking a bite. “That’s not a PlayStation.”

  “It’s a video game console.”

  “Yes.”

  Oh my God, I’m going to shove that cookie up his nose.

  “Sam, I told you that I didn’t want him to have that. He’s too young.”

  “It’s something he and I can do together.”

  I lean on the counter and stare at him.

  “And it’s not a PlayStation,” he continues. “This console has way more games that are age-appropriate for him.”

  “Great. Okay, whatever.”

  I move to walk away, but he catches my hand.

  “Don’t be mad.”

  Don’t be mad? You’ve got to be kidding me!

  “You don’t get to just decide that you don’t care what I think, and do the exact opposite anyway, Sam. Is this going to be the way it is over the next dozen or so years? Because that’s crap. We’re supposed to make decisions together.”

  “That’s not what this was. You decided and expected me to just fall in line, Tash. I didn’t agree.”

  “You didn’t tell me that at the time. There was no further discussion. You just did what you wanted to anyway.”

  His jaw tightens. “I’m a grown man. I don’t need to have discussions with you over every little thing.”

  “And now we’re done here because it’s Christmas and I don’t want to kill you on a sacred holiday.”

  I walk away and do my best not to cry.

  Not tears of sadness. Tears of rage.

  What a jerk.

  I start throwing loose paper into a garbage sack and come across one last box under the tree.

  For me.

  I frown and open the package, and then feel tears fill my eyes for a totally different reason.

  It’s a day at the spa—massage, hair, and nails.

  And it’s signed by all three of them.

  “Damn it,” I mutter and then feel Sam walk up behind me. His hands rest on my shoulders. “I wanted to be mad at you.”

  “You still can be.”

  “No, I can’t. Because you got me a whole day of pampering. I haven’t had my hair or nails done since…before.”

  “I know.”

  “And I like to do those things. I’ve missed it. I used to get it all done at least twice a month. But there hasn’t been time, and I look awful.”

  “Okay, now you’re taking it too far.” He turns me around and wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. “You always look great.”

  “I don’t feel like it.”

  “You need to be pampered for a day. And you should really start doing those things for yourself again, Tash. It’ll make you feel more like yourself.”

  “Yeah. It’s just hard to go into the salon.”

  “It isn’t going anywhere,” he reminds me. “Monica wouldn’t want you to avoid it.”

  “If I died, I’d want her to avoid it.” I sniffle, and he laughs.

  “No, you wouldn’t.”

  “You’re right.” I take a deep breath. “Thank you for this. It’ll feel good.”

  “You’re welcome. Are you still mad?”

  “Yes.” I sigh. “Just talk to me next time, okay? So I’m not blindsided?”

  “That’s fair. I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m hungry,” Kevin announces.

  “I’ll make breakfast,” I reply. “How about pancakes and bacon?”

  “With huckleberries?”

  “Sure. You can help me flip them.”

  “I wanna flip, too,” Kelsey says as the kids run for the kitchen.

  “I need to get dressed before we flip pancakes,” I say to Sam and head for the bedroom. “Do you mind gathering the last of the trash?”

  “Sure thing.”

  I hurry back to quickly change, and then stop short.

  There, on the bed, is a brand new robe and slippers on the floor.

  Sam totally spoiled me for Christmas this year. I know I should stay miffed at him, but it’s impossible when he’s so generous.

  And sexy, damn him.

  I bury my face in the soft cashmere and breathe deeply before changing into clean leggings and a T-shirt, throwing my hair up in a knot before hurrying back out to the kitchen.

  “Okay, pancakes with huckleberries, coming up.”

  “And bacon,” Kevin reminds me. “Don’t forget the bacon.”

  “That’s the most important piece,” I agree and kiss his head before opening the fridge to gather supplies. “Did you both have a good Christmas morning?”

  “Yes,” they say in unison.

  “I got almost everything on my list,” Kelsey says.

  “Was something missing?” I ask her.

  She shrugs her little shoulder and looks down. “I didn’t get to hug Mommy and Daddy today.”

  And just like that, my heart shatters into a million pieces.

  “I know.” I pull her to me and kiss her cheek. “I would love that, too. But they’re with us, in our hearts. And that’s the most important.”

  “I’m really hungry,” Kevin says. “Can we eat?”

  “Sure.” I set Kelsey down, who’s smiling once more, and reach for the eggs. “Let’s make breakfast.”

  “When does he leave?” Aspen slides my coffee over the counter at Drips and wipes her hands on a towel as she watches me with sympathetic eyes.

  “Two days.” I blow out a breath and will myself not to cry.

  There will be plenty of opportunity for that after he’s gone.

  “And when do you leave?” I ask her. “I know the family was just here through the holidays. It’s a new year, so I figure you’ll be getting ready to head back to London soon.”

  “Next week.” She cringes. “Tash, if you want me to stay for a little while longer while you get used to the new normal—and let me just say that I hate that phrase—I will.”

  “You have your own kids, a family, and duties that I can’t even fathom, Aspen. I’ll be fine.” I sound way more confident than I feel.

  But it’s true. I’m going to be just fine.

  “What do the kids think?”

  I bite my lip and remember Kelsey’s big alligator tears when we told the kids the day after Christmas. “They don’t fully understand. Hell, I don’t fully understand, and I’m an adult, you know? It’s not like he’s dying. He’ll be home every other week, but all they know is that someone else they love and rely on is going away.”

  “That’s so rough,” Aspen says. “Why don’t you tell Sam that you don’t want him to go? That it’s best for all of you if he stays?”

  I shake my head with a sigh. “Aspen, I’m not going to be the reason that Sam doesn’t take his dream job. That’s a lot of pressure, and he’s worked hard for it. We’ll just have to make it work. It’ll suck at first, but we’ll figure it out.”

  “You’ll find a groove,” she agrees. “And maybe you and the kids will end up moving with him at some point.”

  I frown. “I’d thought of it, honestly. But the kids have already lost so much. I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to lose their entire community, as well. To pull them away from their friends and the adults they trust and lean on. I don’t have any sort of support system in Spokane to help me.”

  “I get it. It’s a tough spot to be in.” Aspen wipes down the counter. “Vicki’s about to come in for the afternoon. Do you want to grab lunch or something?”

  “I would love to, but I have to go to the attorney’s office before I pick up the kids from school.”

  “Attorney?”

  “Yeah. Sam and I had some new wills drawn up, just in case. We have the kids now, and we share custody. His job is scary.”

  I shrug, and she nods in understanding. “It’s best to have that under control before he leaves.”

  “I’ve just been adulting all over the place.” I chuckle and
take another sip of coffee. “But let’s definitely get together before you leave, okay?”

  “You got it.” She winks and waves as I walk to the door.

  Her comment about us joining Sam in Spokane wasn’t off the mark. I’ve thought about it several times, in fact. But we don’t know anyone, and Sam’s job is about to become even more demanding.

  Maybe, down the road, it will be a viable option. But today, it’s not. Instead, I’ll just have to come to grips with the fact that I’ll be without Sam fifty percent of the time.

  But I’ll have him the other fifty. And time moves so swiftly, that he’ll be here before we know it.

  With that pep talk under my belt, I walk down the block to the office of Ty Sullivan. Ty doesn’t usually do wills and family law, but he made an exception for us.

  His assistant waves me through to Ty’s office, and I see that Sam’s already seated in front of Ty’s desk when I walk in.

  “Am I late?” I ask.

  “No, Sam just got here,” Ty says and nods to his assistant, who closes the door behind me. “I think you’re both smart to have this all wrapped up before Sam goes to Spokane. It’s pretty simple, really, but necessary in the event of the unimaginable.”

  “We’ve been through the unimaginable,” Sam reminds him. “And because my sister was smart, things were pretty seamless, legally speaking. We want to make sure that we have the same thing in place.”

  “Good idea.” Ty nods and reaches for a folder full of papers. “Let’s go over this, and then once you’ve signed off, we’re good to go.”

  I sit and listen as Ty summarizes what he’s drawn up in the papers. That in the event of one of our deaths the other would retain sole custody of the children, and inherit all the money left behind.

  In the event we both die, custody goes to Fallon and Noah.

  Once he’s finished with all the legal jargon, and we’ve signed off, Sam and I walk hand-in-hand out of the office and take a deep breath on the sidewalk.

  “Well, that’s depressing,” I mutter.

  “We won’t need it,” he assures me. “It’s just there, in case.”

  I nod. “I bet Monica and Rich didn’t think they’d need it either.”

  “No, I’m sure they didn’t.” Sam kisses my temple. “Lunch?”

  “That’s the second invitation I’ve had today.” I force a smile but don’t feel particularly happy. I want to go home, get into bed, and pull the covers over my head. “Sure. What should we get?”

  “Chinese.” He grins. “With extra fortune cookies.”

  “You know, you can just buy fortune cookies.”

  “Where’s the fun in that?”

  “We’ll see him in a week,” I reassure the kids as we watch Sam load his bags into his truck. “That’s not very long at all, right?”

  “Forever,” Kevin mutters but lets Sam hug him.

  “You have to put out fires far away,” Kelsey says as he kisses her cheek, then blows a raspberry to make her giggle.

  “That’s right. But I won’t be gone for that long, and then I’ll be back, just like Auntie Tash said. Be good for her, hear me?”

  They both nod solemnly.

  “Can we watch Scooby?” Kevin asks.

  “Sure. Go ahead.” They run inside, and I turn to Sam. “Drive safely.”

  “Nah, I’m gonna be reckless and take chances.”

  “Smartass.” I wrap my arms around his waist. “Call me later.”

  “Of course.” His lips touch mine, and then he sinks into me, kissing me like crazy for the whole neighborhood to see. “Be good.”

  “You be good.” I pat his butt as he pulls away. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Okay.” He pauses and kisses me once more.

  “You’re going to be late.”

  “You’re trying awfully hard to get rid of me.”

  “Yeah, Pierre is waiting for me in the bedroom. I just have to get rid of those pesky kids.”

  Go. I don’t want you to see me fall apart.

  “Now who’s the smartass?”

  “Could be the truth.” I grin when his eyes narrow. “I have some stuff to do when you go. And I don’t want you to be late. Plus, I want you to drive safely.”

  I don’t want to make a fool of myself and beg you to stay.

  “I’m going. Have a good day.”

  He plants those lips on my forehead once more and then gets in the truck, waves, and pulls away.

  He’s gone.

  I turn and walk inside, sit on the couch, and stare at the TV, but I don’t really see or hear what’s playing.

  The rushing sound in my ears is too loud.

  He’s gone.

  Yes, he’s coming back. And, yes, I’m the one who told him to go.

  But I’ll miss him.

  “Why are you crying?” Kelsey asks as she slips into my lap, framing my face with her tiny hands. “Are you sad?”

  “A little.” I wipe a tear off my cheek and smile at her. “But I’m okay.”

  “Do you want to snuggle my Teddy?”

  “Nah, I think I’ll just snuggle you.” I tug her close and breathe in her sweet smell. She’s so little. So sweet.

  And it’s just the three of us against the world now.

  “Maybe you need a cookie,” Kevin says.

  “Do you want a cookie?” I ask him.

  “If it makes you feel better for me to eat a cookie with you, that would be okay.”

  I laugh and set Kelsey on her feet, taking their hands. “We have one snafu. No cookies in the house. I guess we’ll have to make some, huh?”

  “With chocolate chips!” Kelsey exclaims.

  “We can do that. Just no sprinkles or anything shaped like Santa. I’ve had my fill of that for a whole year.”

  “Chocolate chips are circles,” Kevin says like I’ve lost my mind. “Not Santa.”

  “True that. Okay, let’s get started.”

  “Maybe, if it’ll make you feel better, we can have hot chocolate, too.” Kevin’s grin is sly and wide.

  “You’re a con artist.” I kiss his head. “But you have good ideas.”

  Chapter 18

  ~Sam~

  The roads suck. I should have realized that I’d run into snow and ice on the highway in early January. It slows me up a bit.

  It’ll probably add an extra hour to the drive. Tash was right, I should have left earlier. I’m supposed to meet with the chief at the station at three this afternoon.

  Being late on day one isn’t the best way to make a first impression.

  And I’m never late.

  But leaving Tash and the kids was torture.

  “I’m fucking up.” I rub my hand over my mouth. “I should be there.”

  I tap the screen on my truck and listen as the phone rings on the other end.

  “Hello?” Tash says. I can hear the smile in her voice.

  “Hey, babe. What are you doing?”

  “The kids and I made cookies and then we had some hot chocolate because I’m a horrible parent who gives the kids loads of sugar. Now, we’re building stuff with the blocks Kevin got for Christmas. Are you there already? You made good time.”

  “No, I’m about halfway there. The roads are shit, so I’m taking it slow.”

  “Oh, no. Be careful. You shouldn’t be talking to me.”

  “I need to.” I blow out a breath. I should have had this talk with her weeks ago. “Maybe I should turn around and come home.”

  “Why? Did you forget something?”

  Yes, damn it, I left you behind.

  “I just think that I should be there. Maybe I made a mistake in taking the job, Tash.”

  “Sam, we’re fine. Honest.” She says something to the kids, and then I hear her walking away from them. “Don’t worry about us.”

  Of course, I’m going to worry about them.

  “Maybe I’ve changed my mind. Maybe it’s not my dream job.”

  “Right. And pigs fly. Sam Waters, you’ve be
en talking about this for years. Now, I want you to take a deep breath and remember how hard you’ve worked over the past few years. You’ve worked your ass off. You put it all on hold for too long. This is a great opportunity for you.”

  How does she always know the right thing to say?

  “Send me cookies,” I reply softly. She makes the best fucking cookies I’ve ever had.

  I can only admit that because my mom is dead and it won’t hurt her feelings.

  “I’ll send you all the cookies you want. I should have made some for the road. I guess we’ll just figure this out more and more as time goes on, right?”

  I smile at the optimism in her voice.

  “Yeah. I guess so. I’ll send you the mailing address when I get there.”

  “Are you still bunking with the guy you know?”

  “That’s the plan. He’s single, and if I’m only in town a week at a time, most of that at the station, I don’t really see a need to get a place.”

  “Well, just get there safely, get settled, and then call me. Sam, it’s going to be awesome, and we’ll be fine. Just think of all the phone sex we can have.”

  “That’s a bonus.” I laugh, feeling better. “Thanks for the pep talk, babe.”

  “Anytime. The kids are arguing again, so I have to go be the referee. I love you.”

  “I love y—” Before I can finish the sentence, she hangs up.

  I already miss her. But she’s right, we’ll figure it out. And I’m excited for everything I’m going to learn at this new job.

  It’s just nerves.

  “Sam’s the new guy, so he’s buying,” Charlie says with a laugh as we walk into the bar after our shift. The six of us sit at a booth, order massive quantities of wings and beer, and settle in to watch a game and razz each other.

  After just two days on the job, this is the new routine.

  I’m hardly at my buddy’s place. I’m either at the station, or out with these guys. They’re harmless, and letting off steam is good for us.

  Some of the shit I’ve already seen since I’ve been here isn’t for the faint of heart.

  “I’ve been the new guy the last two nights, as well,” I remind Charlie, who just grins.

  “Doesn’t make you any less of the new guy.”