[2016] First Comes Love

by Emily Goodwin

  We’re not married, after all. He has no obligation to cover my bills.

  “I know, and thank you. I’ll stick to my reg—oh my god, this is too cute!” I stop at a turtle-shaped play mat.

  Noah stands close next to me, and he’s smiling. “Want to get it?”

  I bite my lip. “Yeah, but maybe it’s too early? I don’t want to jinx anything.”

  “Buying something isn’t going to jinx anything, Lauren.”

  “You’re right. So yeah, let’s get it.”

  He takes it off the shelf and tucks it under his arm. He wraps his free arm around me. “I feel like real parents, buying shit we don’t really need.”

  I laugh. “Then we need to go get some cute outfits too. And shoes to match.”

  “Do I need to turn in my man card by saying this is kind of fun?”

  “Not at all. Actually, I think that, uh, increases it. There is something very hot about a man who loves his children.”

  “Ah, right. Taking a baby to the park to pick up chicks is better than taking a puppy.”

  I laugh and roll my eyes. “I’d go to the puppy. I know I’ll love our child, but other people’s children … not so much.”

  We go down an aisle of strollers, then look at carseats and highchairs before emerging into the clothing section. I pick out a white and yellow onesie with ducks on it and a matching hat. It will work for a boy or a girl. Noah grabs a tiny pink dress.

  “Ella can wear this when she comes home from the hospital,” he teases.

  I shake my head. “It’ll be cold then. She’ll need a sweater and pants to go with that.”

  “Ah-hah! You agree it’s a girl!”

  “Hardly. But if it is, it’ll need to be winterized.”

  “Fuck. I forgot about keeping a baby warm as we get her in and out of the car and shit. Do they make winter jackets small enough for babies?”

  “Yeah, but you don’t want them to wear it in the carseat. It’s not safe because the material is too bulky and the straps won’t tighten. It makes them at risk for being ejected.”

  “And now I feel like I know nothing about being a parent again.”

  “Join the club,” I mutter. “It’s a wonder people are able to keep their kids alive, really. There is so much I don’t know.”

  Noah grabs lacy leggings and another frilly dress. “You know more than me.”

  “I look a lot up online. I have two baby apps on my phone and read books and magazines. You could read them too.”

  He makes a face then stops himself. “Okay. I’ll start with the magazines. Less boring than books.”

  “Books aren’t boring. I read at least one book a week.” Or I did before I started going to bed at grandmother hours.

  “I don’t like reading.”

  “That’s sad. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “Nothing, I’m missing nothing.”

  “When was the last time you read a book?”

  “For fun?” His blue eyes widen. “I don’t know.”

  I’m reminded of how different we are. But opposites attract, right?

  “Want to get lunch?” Noah asks me as he looks through another rack of newborn clothing. He’s considering each teeny outfit he picks up, and it might be melting my heart.

  “Yeah. I’ve been craving hot dogs all day.”

  We go to the registers, and Noah pays for everything before I even have time to dig into my purse and find my wallet. We get lunch, go back to my place, and Noah joins me for a walk around the block with the dogs. He says he has work to do and regretfully leaves. The goodbye takes ten minutes and involves lots of kissing and touching.

  Once he’s gone, I look at the baby stuff we bought. Are we going to have to buy two of everything? One for here and one for his house? Or do you pack up what you need and bring it with?

  The logistics of this whole “having a baby and not being a couple” thing make my head hurt. Maybe for the first month or two, she can just stay here since she’ll be so little and I’ll be—dammit, Noah. You got me calling the baby “she.”

  I smile and look down at my stomach. Now that I’ve eaten, a small bump is definitely visible. I might not look pregnant to strangers, but anyone who knows me would know something is up. Is it weird I kind of like it?

  My mind flashes to something Noah said a few weeks ago, about having sex with a baby belly. I know it’s entirely possible to keep hooking up throughout the whole nine months, but how can we keep doing it? Positions seem pretty limited.

  I go into the kitchen and grab a bag of chocolate chips, then get my laptop and come back into the living room, shooing the dogs away from my chocolate as I Google “sex positions during pregnancy.” I click on a site that includes photos, expecting them to be clothed couples or even drawings.

  I’m not expecting porn.

  And yet I don’t click away. I look through the pictures, for research purposes, of course. I go to another site and find videos. The videos are just previews—I’m not paying for anything—and another two-minute clip starts as soon as one ends. I sit back, curious mostly, and watch. It’s totally possible to have sex throughout pregnancy. And enjoy it too, by the sounds of the moaning and groaning. I bite my lip, considering calling Noah over to try some of these out. Practice makes perfect, right? I’m not that big yet. Better to try this out now.

  The next video clip that plays showcases breastfeeding fetishes. I wrinkle my nose. “Sick.” I go to click away when the doorbell rings, causing the dogs to rush into the foyer barking.

  “Hey, Lauren!” my sister calls, stepping inside. “We were in town and thought we’d stop by and say hi.”

  “Hey!” I call back and get up to grab the dogs.

  Soft moaning comes from the living room, followed by a woman’s voice saying, “I’m so full for you, baby. Drink up. It’s all for you, baby.”

  Oh shit. The computer.

  “Uh, is this a bad time?” Katie asks, green eyes going wide the same time as her nose wrinkles in disgust. “You weren’t masturbating or anything, were you? We can leave.”

  “No!” I exclaim, horribly embarrassed. “It’s not what you think.”

  Katie can’t look at me. “Yeah, explain that please. But first turn whatever the hell you’re watching off.”

  My cheeks are burning red as I slam my laptop shut. Now Katie and Jenny are laughing as they wait for me to explain.

  “I was doing research.”

  “Research, really. Come on, Lauren, you can do better than that,” Katie says.

  “Not research on grown men drinking breastmilk! That video came up automatically. I might have been looking up sex positions that are safe during pregnancy.” My hand settles on the small baby bump and my gaze stays steady on the floor, unable to face my sisters.

  Jenny raises an eyebrow. “And why are you interested in that?”

  Shit. Busted.

  Katie laughs again. “Glad to see you stuck to your word about not sleeping with Noah.”

  “I said that like two months ago,” I spit out. “Things change. He’s changed.”

  The amusement vanishes from Katie’s face. “You sure about that?”

  With a sigh, I sink back onto the couch and wait for Jenny and Katie to take a seat before continuing. “Yes. Well, maybe he hasn’t changed, but I’m seeing a different side of him. Yeah, he’s made some really bad choices and put himself first before, but he’s not like that now. When he’s with me he’s kind, and caring. As far as I know, he’s been on his best behavior since I told him I’m pregnant.”

  “I hope it lasts,” Katie says. “And I don’t mean that as in insult to you, Lauren.”

  “I know.” And I do know. Noah has been perfect the last two months, but what are months of being good compared to years of being the bad boy?

  Is having his baby enough to change him? And am I enough to make him stay changed?

  “So, how is it?” Katie asks.

  “How’s what?”

&nbs
p; “The sex. I always assumed he was well versed with a woman’s body.”

  I get a flash of his head between my legs. Maybe I will call him once my sisters leave. He’ll come over for a booty call no matter what. “He’s very well versed,” I say with a smile.

  “Well, good,” Katie says. “So you’re happy?”

  “Yes,” I reply without having to think about it. “As crazy and scary as this has been, things are good between Noah and I, and the baby’s doing fine. This is still far from what I planned for my life, but I’m okay with it.” The revelation hits me as the words leave my mouth. Just when did I become okay with this? Probably the same time Noah went from being that guy who knocked me up to something … more.

  Someone more.

  “I’m glad,” Jenny starts. “Colin and I were really worried for a while. Noah doesn’t play by the rules.” I turn to look at her. Her eyes aren’t on me, but are on the bags of baby stuff Noah and I got today from Babies R Us. She’s sad, and I wonder if she’s thinking it should be her instead.

  Because I’ve thought that a few times before.

  And it should be. Not that I’d trade my little baby for anything, but if I could shift everything to next year and let her have the first grandchild, I totally would.

  Katie gets up to use the bathroom and tension grows between Jenny and me. Do I need to say something? Let her know I’m sorry and don’t mean to make her sad? Crap. I hate awkward situations like this.

  “Jenny,” I start, not able to look at her. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Lauren,” she says, knowing exactly what I’m talking about.

  “I know it’s not fair, and I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Lauren, I know you didn’t do this to hurt me,” she spits.

  I bite my lip and nod, forcing myself to look up. I expect her to look sad, not pissed. My eyes widen.

  “Sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “But it isn’t fair. Why do you get to have a baby that you didn’t try for and I can’t get pregnant. But what makes it worse is him.”

  My heart is in my throat. I hate being yelled at in any way. “Him?”

  “Noah. It’s not fair he gets to have a kid, gets to be a dad. Do you know the strain he’s put on my marriage? The time I’ve spent fighting with Colin because he was out late with Noah, or wants another motorcycle so they can ride together again? He’s the last person who deserves a baby. And now he’s going to be part of the family forever. Even if you two never speak again, I will be the aunt to Noah’s kid.”

  Tears fill my eyes, shock mixing with hurt. I’ve never heard any sort of harsh words from Jenny before. It’s like ice water has been dumped down my back.

  Part of me agrees with her: Noah has caused a lot of trouble, and if anyone deserves to be a father when it comes to Noah and Colin, it’s my brother. The other part of me thinks she’s being dramatic and needs to get the fuck over it.

  While I don’t know what it’s like to struggle with infertility, I do know how hard it is to see someone have something you desperately want. I feel guilty all over again.

  “So,” Katie says loudly from the hall, no doubt hearing part of our conversation. “Are you gonna call up Noah and act out that porn?”

  I raise an eyebrow. “I’m not lactating yet. But maybe the other stuff … yeah, I’ll try it.”

  Katie shakes her head. “It’s so weird knowing you and Noah are hooking up. I always thought he was good looking when we were kids, but you know me. I don’t date anyone younger than me.”

  “I never would have thought we’d end up together,” I say. “Noah’s not the type of guy I’d go for.”

  Katie gives me a small smile. “Just keep that in mind.”

  “I will,” I promise. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, being too positive. But Noah has been playing the part of daddy-to-be perfectly. And that’s exactly what worries me, what doesn’t sit well in my stomach when I think hard about all this.

  I’m falling for him, despite my best effort not to, and he’s just playing. Eventually playtime ends.

  Chapter 14

  Noah

  I BALL MY fists, muscles tense and ready for the fight. If you asked what we are fighting about, I couldn’t tell you. I’m too drunk.

  Fuck.

  I went to The Roadhouse with every intention of letting Joey know I’m still alive and well, and that I’ll be a dad in the winter. I had every intention of leaving after one drink.

  Yet here I am, drunk and picking fights, just like before. Things aren’t just like before. I know that, even as wasted as I am.

  The first punch is thrown and I duck out of the way. There is still time to end this, to walk away and go home to Lauren. But I’ve never walked away from a fight. I can’t do it now.

  I hurl my arm forward, fist colliding with the side of the guy I’m fighting’s face. His name isn’t known; all I know is he did something to piss me off. Or maybe he hasn’t.

  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on edge, if all this baby stuff hadn’t rattled me. Because it has. Baby aside, the more time I spend with Lauren, the clearer it is to me that I’m more in love with her than I thought.

  And that fucking terrifies me.

  I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to hurt her. And I don’t want to be a bad father, because that’s the worst thing I can do to her, right? Let her down and not take care of our child.

  I rarely ever know what the fuck I’m doing in life. I race through things at a hundred miles an hour, and, somehow, they work out. Well, most of the time. There have been bumps along the way.

  But when I know what I want, I get it. I’ve never had expectations for anyone else. Expect nothing, invest nothing, lose nothing. It’s been my philosophy for as long as I can remember. Have fun and fuck while I can. Live it up.

  No expectations.

  No rules.

  No chance of getting hurt.

  No chance of getting stuck in a loveless marriage with a child I didn’t want, a child I don’t want to be around. No chance of turning into my own father. A father whose emotions ranged from numb and drunk to angry and violent, with not much in between.

  The guy stumbles back and crashes into a table, knocking beer bottles to the floor. Broken glass scatters along the ground. Fuck. Joey won’t press charges against me for damaging the bar, but I can’t avoid everything. Drunk and disorderly, public nuisance, the cops can get me for something.

  I can’t do that to Lauren. I can’t do that to our baby.

  Something inside of me protests as I whirl around and storm behind the bar. Something else inside of me trembles and I fear this is all for naught. I am completely in love with Lauren Winters, more so now than ever. If she doesn’t love me back, all this change will be for nothing.

  But I’d be damned if I didn’t try.

  I grab a shot glass and a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar.

  “I think that’s enough.” Joey’s gruff voice is too loud in my ear. I blink, inhale, and turn around.

  “What would you know?” I say to Joey. Or at least I think I said that. I’m swaying a bit on my feet, though hell if I admit that.

  “Listen, kid,” Joey says and slaps me on the back, turning me away from the bar. “I don’t know what’s going on, but we’ll save that for another night. Find one of the stragglers, have her take you home and fuck you hard, then we’ll talk, all right?”

  I grumble in response. I never got around to telling him about Lauren before I started drinking. “Can’t,” I slur, looking at the few women left at the bar this close to closing on a weeknight. “Gotta get back to Lauren.”

  Joey raises an eyebrow. “You got someone steady?”

  “In a way.” She’s not my girlfriend yet, but she will be.

  He guides me to the bar to sit, then fills a plastic cup with water. “Have her come and get you.”

  “No.” I shake my head. It’s too late to have Lauren leave the house. I think. Fuck. What time is it? I pu
t the cup to my mouth and take a sip. And why the fuck am I drinking water? I’m not drunk. I can drive to Lauren’s. I want to see her. I need to see her.

  I stand and pull my eyes from my pocket.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Joey asks.

  “Home. To Lauren.”

  Joey snatches the keys from my hand. He’s too spry for someone his age. It’s not fucking normal. Even drunk, I know not to argue with him.

  “Give me your phone,” he says. I’m hit with tiredness as I pull my cell from my pocket. Maybe I am drunk after all. I put the phone in Joey’s hand.

  Joey just shakes his head and disappears into the backroom. I go around the bar and fill a glass with whiskey, slowly sipping it. A minute later, he comes back and hands me my phone.

  “You better buy her some flowers, boy,” he whispers. “Make it up to her. You don’t want to lose this one.”

  No, I don’t. I can’t. Because it’s her I love, her I need. It’s always been her.

  Chapter 15

  LAUREN

  “HELLO?” I SAY, jerked into alertness the second I see Noah’s name pop up on my phone. It’s late. No one calls with good news this late. My heart instantly races.

  “Is this Lauren?”

  Uh, that’s not Noah’s voice. My mind gets ahead of me, and this is the coroner calling to tell me they found Noah’s body on the side of the road after he crashed his motorcycle.

  “Yes.”

  “This is Joey, from The Roadhouse. I got your man here trying to come see you. He’s drunk as a skunk. Any chance you can come get him? Already took his keys.”

  “Yeah,” I say, heart slowing down with relief. “I’ll be right there.”