[2016] First Comes Love

by Emily Goodwin

  Noah inhales then slowly lets his breath out. “I know. And I agree.”

  I open my eyes, looking right at him.

  “I don’t want to be that dad. I don’t want Ella thinking I’ll run out when times get tough. I don’t want to be like my own father. And, Lauren … that’s why I drank that night.”

  “What?”

  “My dad. He showed up outside the studio Friday before the shower. I’ll just say it brought up a lot of bad memories and old feelings I didn’t know I still had. It freaked me out. My dad left when I was just a kid, and it still gets to me, still hurts. I … I don’t want to be a bad dad too. I don’t want to let you down or ruin Ella’s life.”

  I take his hand again. “That’s why you were acting weird Friday night.”

  “Yeah,” he admit.

  A few beats pass in silence. I trace a tattoo on the inside of his wrist. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You had enough going on. I didn’t want to add to it.”

  “Noah, you have to tell me these things. If we want to be a couple—a family—then we can’t keep things from each other like that.”

  “I know now.”

  “You know what will ruin Ella’s life?” I start. “Bottling up your feelings and drinking away the pain. Not trusting me enough to help.”

  “It’s not that,” he says definitely. “I do trust you, more than anyone, Lauren. I didn’t tell you because there’s no need for you to know how I spent my eighth birthday at the police station because my dad got arrested for a DUI on the way to the football game he was taking me to.” He shakes his head, looking at the floor. “But the real kicker? My own mother used Ella as an excuse to call that asshole, even after I said I don’t want anything to do with him. He doesn’t deserve to meet Ella, and Ella doesn’t need to be anywhere near someone like that. Bad parenting, a life of disappointment and hurt, it’s in my blood.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It’s all I know, and I’m damned to repeat it. I did the best I could for you, and it wasn’t good enough.”

  “That’s not true either. Why didn’t you just ask me? Noah, what we had was perfect. This started as a nightmare, as the worst thing that could possibly happen besides dying, and we made it into something beautiful. I was really happy.”

  “Was,” he mumbles. “I’m sorry, Lauren. If I could do it over, I would.”

  “You can’t rewrite the beginning, but you can create a new ending.”

  “I want that ending to be a happily ever after for you. You deserve it, even if it’s not from me.” Each word hurts him, every syllable tearing his heart bit by bit. The pain is obvious on his face.

  I’ve never felt stronger for him than I do right now.

  “I want it to be you.” And I do. I want Noah not just because he’s Ella’s father, but because I’ve fallen for him, hard. There is more to him than motorcycles and tattoos.

  Noah moves forward, cupping my face in his hands, bringing my lips to his in a kiss.

  “I love you,” he says, lips hovering over mine. “I’ve been in love with you for years. Ever since the first time I saw you, when you came into Mrs. Jefferson’s office to protest against dissecting the cats in biology.”

  “You remember that?”

  “I remember that you were wearing a pink and white dress. I remember how you smelled like strawberries. And I remember how crushed I was when I found out you were Colin’s sister. I thought I’d get over you. It was just a stupid teenage crush, but I didn’t, and the more I got to know you, the harder I fell. And then that night when you walked into the bar and I took you home … I thought one night with you would be the closest I would ever get. But then in a bizarre twist of fate, you got pregnant and gave me a chance. And then I was so scared of losing you, of letting you and Ella down, that I fucked it all up, and you deserve better.”

  Tears are streaming down my face. I open my mouth only to close it again. The words soak into me, deep inside my heart, healing the hurt. All this time, he’s loved me. All this time he’s cared.

  “I love you too, Noah.”

  We kiss again, then Noah rests his forehead against mine. “Now what?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’ll fight for you. For our family. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you this can work.”

  “Noah,” I squeak out, unable to talk without crying.

  “Can we start by being together and you be my girlfriend again?”

  “Yes.” I close my eyes and press my lips to his. “But only if you make me a promise.”

  “Anything.”

  “Tell me when something upsets you. Let me help you and share the burden.”

  “I hate doing anything to make you upset—”

  “Noah,” I stop him right there. “Not telling me makes me a whole lot more upset. Obviously.”

  Noah closes his eyes. “Fuck, I’m an idiot. I should have told you and this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “Live and learn, right?”

  Someone knocks on the door and comes in to take my blood to the lab.

  “Do you feel sick?” Noah asks me when the phlebotomist leaves.

  “I’m tired and have had an on and off headache for the last few days,” I admit. “But I’ve been stressed.”

  I regret the words the moment they leave my mouth, Noah looks so guilty.

  “I’m so sorry, Lauren. And I understand if you decide not to do this.”

  “I want to, and people fight and make up.” I give him a smile. “But it’s different when a kid is involved. Ella has to come first, no matter what.”

  He nods. “And right now, taking care of Ella means taking care of you. I will do whatever it takes, Lauren.”

  I look into his eyes, finally seeing past the walls he’s put up all these years. “I know you will.”

  “Does your mom know I’m here?” Noah asks, sitting on the couch next to me at my house. He puts his arm around my shoulders.

  “I didn’t tell her, but it’s not because I didn’t want to. She kinda freaked out when I said I had signs of pre-eclampsia.”

  “Do they know what happened?”

  “Yes and no. They know we broke up, but not the fine details.” I rest my head against him. “I didn’t want them to be mad at you. Even if we weren’t together as a couple, they’d still see you sometimes. Ella’s both of ours. And I didn’t want Colin to completely hate you.”

  “That’s very considerate.”

  “Well, you two have been friends for a long time. I don’t want to break you guys up too.”

  “Fuck, I love you.” He kisses the top of my head. “You have no idea how good it feels to finally say that to you, and to hear it said back.”

  “I’ve felt this way for a while, Noah. Really. I tried not to fall for you, but…”

  “I told you, I’m hard to resist.”

  I smile. “Most of the time.”

  He brings me in closer and rest a hand on my belly. “Things can’t go back to how they were, can they? We can’t pretend this never happened and move on like normal?”

  “I wish we could. I meant what I said: it’s different now. It’s not just my heart on the line. Ella’s is too.”

  He turns and locks eyes with me. “That’s what scares me. I don’t want to hurt her like my father hurt me.”

  “Knowing you’re scared of being a bad father makes me think you won’t be.”

  He shakes his head. “That doesn’t make sense.”

  “Do you think your dad worried about being a good dad?”

  “Hell no. Oh, I get what you mean now.” He leans back with a sigh. “I won’t let you down again. And I’ll never let Ella down.”

  Am I a fool for believing him? “Did you ever think about telling me how you felt before?”

  “Many times.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  He runs his fingers up and down my arm. “I didn’t want to piss Colin off. But mostly because I didn’t think
I had a chance with you.”

  “I had a crush on you too.”

  “Seriously?”

  I laugh. “I think the entire female population of that high school did. Some of the popular girls tried being friends with me because they knew you stayed the night at my house a lot.”

  “Should I apologize for that?”

  “Nah, it’s not your fault. It must have been hard to be so good looking and popular as a teen.”

  “It was just horrible.” Noah snakes his arm around me and leans over until his lips touch mine. I missed his kisses so fucking much.

  The dogs run to the door a second before the bell rings. I make a move to get up.

  “I’ll get it,” Noah says. “You’re on strict orders to rest.”

  I nod and settle back, watching Noah wrangle my super well-behaved dogs from bombarding my mother.

  “Oh, Noah … hi.” She bustles past, too concerned to question things now. Though really, even if Noah and I were done forever, the well-being of Ella is still his concern. “Pre-eclampsia,” Mom starts. “That can be serious. Are you okay? Is the baby okay? Should you be in the hospital?”

  I flick my eyes to Noah, having warned him that she would act this way. “We’ll be fine,” I say. “I go back to the doctor weekly now and I’m on partial bedrest.”

  “Partial? What does that mean?”

  “I’m allowed to get up, but have to limit what I’m doing.”

  “You’re not working anymore then, right?” Mom asks.

  “Well…”

  Noah’s eyes widen. “Don’t even think about it, Lauren. It’s not worth it to risk your health or Ella’s. Whatever you need, I’ll pay for.”

  Mom looks at Noah for a few second before saying, “He’s right. And if you need help, your father and I are more than willing. I can buy you groceries.”

  “Thanks, but you don’t have to,” I say and run my hands through my hair. “I’ll figure it out.”

  “That’s what family is for,” Mom says and hugs me. “You just take care of yourself and keep growing that baby. It’s too soon for her to make an appearance. Let us take care of you.”

  “Okay.” I rest against the back of the couch again, tired. This has been one of the longest days.

  “Do you need anything?” Mom asks.

  “Not right now. Noah got me ice cream and the tacos I was craving on the way home. I’m just ready for bed now.”

  “Is he staying tonight?”

  Noah looks at me from across the room, hopeful.

  “Yes,” I say. “He is.”

  “And you two are…” Mom starts.

  “We’re back together,” I say with certainty.

  Mom nods but doesn’t look convinced. “I’ll let you get some sleep, and we can talk later. Call us if you need anything. We’re only a drive away.”

  Noah walks her to the door, and ends up going outside along with my mother. Ten minutes pass before he comes back in.

  “What was that about?” I ask.

  He shakes his head and smiles. “Nothing. Just talking about how much we both care about you. And Ella.” He sinks down next to me and pulls me into his lap. “How are you feeling?”

  “Okay, just tired.”

  “I mean, mentally.”

  “Oh. Stressed. Really stressed and worried. I feel like my body is a failure to Ella.”

  “It’s not. There is nothing you could have done. The doctor said this can happen to the healthiest person.”

  “I know. Still, not being able to work scares me.”

  “You can apply for short-term disability,” he reminds me. “And I can cover everything else. I want to. I’ve wanted to, you know that.”

  I let out a breath. “It helps. Thank you.” My eyes close and the emotions from today weigh heavily on me. Noah and I move into the bedroom; he rubs my back and I’m asleep in minutes.

  “You survived your first week of bedrest,” Noah says as he sets the table, like he has all week. He hasn’t left my side other than to go to work since I got home from the hospital. Things between us are back to how they were, only better since he tells me he loves me every chance he gets.

  “It wasn’t so bad,” I say and fill two glasses with water, placing them at our spots at the table. I take a seat and wait for the potpie to finish cooling enough for us to eat. “I caught up on all the reading I missed from being too tired after work. Time is going by slow, though.”

  “You’re doing great. And Ella is okay.”

  “Thankfully.” I had to go for more testing today. My condition hasn’t worsened, but it hasn’t gotten much better. My blood pressure went down a little, but not enough to be out of the woods just yet. If I can stay pregnant for three more weeks, I’ll be happy. Thirty-six weeks is still a ways from my original goal of thirty-nine, but I’ll take what I can get.

  I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without Noah. We’re not officially living together like we had planned, but he’s here more than he’s at his own place, and I think a majority of his clothes are at my house right now. He might as well get his own key, because he’s not going anywhere. I won’t let him.

  He said he’d fight for me, do anything to prove to me this can work, and he has.

  Chapter 26

  NOAH

  “CAN WE GO over everything one more time?” Lauren asks.

  “We’ve gone over it twice,” I say.

  “Please?”

  I can’t say no when I look into her sea-green eyes. My heart softens, knowing her compulsion is out of nervousness.

  “Of course.”

  She swings her feet over the side of the bed and extends her hand for me to take and help her up. She’s thirty-eight weeks along today and is being induced in just a few hours.

  “We have diapers and wipes,” I say with smile. “That’s pretty much all we’ll need. Just keep Ella clean and fed and she’ll be good.”

  “Hah-hah, not funny.” She slowly makes her way into the nursery, hands on her large baby belly, and stops in the middle of the room, looking around.

  And I look at her.

  She gave me a chance to prove myself—again—and I won’t ever let her or Ella down. I never thought I could feel any stronger toward Lauren but this last month proved me wrong. I’d never opened up to anyone before. Making the promise not to bottle shit up and let it slowly fester and eat me up has made us closer than I ever thought possible.

  Being honest with Lauren means being honest with myself, and that’s a new thing. A good new thing.

  “Okay,” Lauren mumble to herself as she goes around the room. “Diapers, wipes, clothes arranged by color and size … first aid kit … books and toys … swaddle blankets, burp cloths … all the bath stuff is in the bathroom.” She nods. “I think I’m good here. I just need to check the diaper bag and my hospital bag one more time.”

  “Then let’s rest for a few hours we have to head in. Maybe even get a little sexy time in there.”

  Lauren raises an eyebrow. “Don’t hold your breath. I have a seven-pound baby pressing on my cervix. I don’t want anything else inside me.”

  “Fine. It’ll be the last time we get to have sex for a while.”

  She makes a face. “I’m scared I’m going to tear.”

  I’m scared she will too. “It’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

  “And as long as Ella is okay, it doesn’t matter, right?”

  “Right.” I take her hand and help her check the bags one more time, then pretty much have to drag her into the bedroom so we can lay down.

  “The next time we’re in here, we’ll be a family of three,” she says. “It’ll be weird. A good weird. But weird.”

  “Definitely good.” I spoon my body around her; she’s laying on her side with a big pillow under her belly … pretty much the only way she can sleep now. Ella hasn’t been born yet and I’m already feeling like the luckiest man in the world.

  “All right, it’s time,” the nurse says after checki
ng Lauren. “She’s pretty far down. I think it’ll only take a couple of pushes and she’ll be out.”

  “I’m scared,” Lauren tells me. “What if I can’t do it? What if she gets stuck?”

  “Deep breath,” I say, leaning over the bed to kiss her. “You can do this. You’ve been amazing this whole time.” Ten hours ago, she got induced and hasn’t complained about anything the whole time. Her mom and Katie are here with us, but stepped out for the actual birth.

  “I can’t feel anything. I shouldn’t have gotten the epidural. What if I push wrong?”

  “There’s no wrong way to push,” the nurse says. “And you did great with the practice pushes. Are you ready?”

  Lauren looks at me, green eyes full of fear. “I think so.”

  “I’ll get the doctor.”

  “Noah,” Lauren says as soon as the nurse leaves the room. “I’m scared.”

  “I know you are. But you’re going to do fine. Our baby is almost here. You can do this.”

  She closes her eyes and lets out a shaky breath. “I hope you’re right.”

  “I know I’m right.”

  The doctor comes in, and just a few minutes later I’m holding onto Lauren’s leg, watching our baby come into the world. She’s tiny and wrinkly and covered in goo, but she’s the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.

  She’s perfect.

  Then she opens her mouth and lets out a little scream, followed by a cry. I’m hit in the heart with emotion.

  That is my daughter.

  That teeny tiny little thing is mine. She gets to come home with us, make us a family.

  The nurse puts a blanket over Ella then puts her on Lauren’s chest.

  “Oh my god,” Lauren whispers, tears running down her face. “Ella.” Carefully she wraps her arms around the little bundle and kisses Ella’s head, which is full of hair, dark like Lauren’s.

  I move to the head of the bed and put my hand over Lauren’s. Ella’s cries quiet, soothed by the touch of her mother.

  “Dad,” the nurse calls a bit later. “Time to cut the cord.”

  I don’t want to step away from Ella. It takes me a few seconds to tear away and cut the thick cord. Then I’m right back up there with Lauren and Ella.