Yours and Mine

by Debbie Macomber

  “To start with, we’ve got to squelch any hint of personal involvement. I realize a certain amount of contact will be unavoidable with the girls being such close friends.” She paused and chewed on her bottom lip. “I don’t want to disrupt their relationship.”

  “I agree with you there. Being friends with Kristen has meant a good deal to Nicole.”

  “You and I went months without talking to each other,” Joanna said, recalling that they’d only recently met. “There’s no need for us to see each other now, is there?”

  “That won’t work.”

  “Why not?”

  “Nicole will be spending the night with you again next Thursday—that is, unless you’d rather she didn’t.”

  “Of course she can stay.”

  Tanner nodded, looking relieved. “To be honest, I don’t think she’d go back to Mrs. Wagner’s anymore without raising a big fuss.”

  “Taking care of Nicole is one thing, but the four of us doing anything together is out of the question.”

  Once more he nodded, but he didn’t look pleased with the suggestion. “I think that would be best, too.”

  “We can’t give them any encouragement.”

  Pushing his plate aside, Tanner reached for his water glass, cupping it with both hands. “You know, Joanna, I think a lot of you.” He paused, then gave her a teasing smile. “You have a habit of dressing a little oddly every now and then, but other than that I respect your judgment. I’d like to consider you a friend.”

  She decided to let his comment about her choice of clothing slide. “I’d like to be your friend, too,” she told him softly.

  He grinned, and his gaze held hers for a long uninterrupted moment before they both looked away. “I know you think that kiss the other night was a big mistake, and I suppose you’re right, but I’m not sorry it happened.” He hesitated, as though waiting for her to argue with him, and when she didn’t, he continued. “It’s been a lot of years since I held a woman’s hand at a movie or kissed her the way I did you. It was good to feel that young and innocent again.”

  Joanna dropped her gaze to her half-filled cup. It had felt right for her, too. So right that she’d been frightened out of her wits ever since. She could easily fall in love with Tanner, and that would be the worst possible thing for her. She just wasn’t ready to take those risks again. They came from different worlds, too, and she’d never fit comfortably in his. Yet every time she thought about that kiss, she started to shake from the inside out.

  “In a strange sort of way we need each other,” Tanner went on, his look thoughtful. “Nicole needs a strong loving woman to identify with, to fill a mother’s role, and she thinks you’re wonderful.”

  “And Kristen needs to see a man who can be a father, putting the needs of his family before his own.”

  “I think it’s only natural for the two of them to try to get us together,” Tanner added. “It’s something we should be prepared to deal with in the future.”

  “You’re right,” Joanna agreed, understanding exactly what he meant. “We need each other to help provide what’s lacking in our daughters’ lives. But we can’t get involved with each other.” She didn’t know any other way to say it but bluntly.

  “I agree,” he said, with enough conviction to lay aside any doubt Joanna might still hold.

  They were silent for a long moment.

  “Why?”

  Strangely, Joanna knew immediately what he was asking. She had the same questions about what had happened between him and Nicole’s mother.

  “Davey was—is—the most charming personable man I’ve ever met. I was fresh out of college and so in love with him I didn’t stop to think.” She paused and glanced away, not daring to look at Tanner. Her voice had fallen so low it was almost a whisper. “We were engaged when my best friend, Carol, told me Davey had made a pass at her. Fool that I was, I didn’t believe her. I thought she was jealous that Davey had chosen me to love and marry. I was sick that my friend would stoop to anything so underhand. I always knew Carol found him attractive—most women did—and I was devastated that she would lie that way. I trusted Davey so completely that I didn’t even ask him about the incident. Later, after we were married, there were a lot of times when he said he was working late, a lot of unexplained absences, but I didn’t question those, either. He was building his career in real estate, and if he had to put in extra hours, well, that was understandable. All those nights I sat alone, trusting him when he claimed he was working, believing with all my heart that he was doing his utmost to build a life for us…and then learning he’d been with some other woman.”

  “How’d you find out?”

  “The first time?”

  “You mean there was more than once?”

  She nodded, hating to let Tanner know how many times she’d forgiven Davey, how many times she’d taken him back after he’d pleaded and begged and promised it would never happen again.

  “I was blind to his wandering eye for the first couple of years. What they say about ignorance being bliss is true. When I found out, I was physically sick. When I realised how I’d fallen for his lies, it was even worse, and yet I stuck it out with him, trusting that everything would be better, everything would change…someday. I wanted so badly to believe him, to trust him, that I accepted anything he told me, no matter how implausible it sounded.

  “The problem was that the more I forgave him, the lower my self-esteem dropped. I became convinced it was all my fault. I obviously lacked something, since he…felt a need to seek out other women.”

  “You know now that’s not true, don’t you?” His voice was so gentle, so caring, that Joanna battled down a rush of emotion.

  “There’d never been a divorce in my family,” she told him quietly. “My parents have been married nearly forty years, and my brothers all have happy marriages. I think that was one of the reasons I held on so long. I just didn’t know how to let go. I’d be devastated and crushed when I learned about his latest affair, yet I kept coming back for more. I suppose I believed Davey would change. Something magical would happen and all our problems would disappear. Only it never did. One afternoon—I don’t even know what prompted it…. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay in the marriage any longer. I packed Kristen’s and my things and walked out. I’ve never been back, never wanted to go back.”

  Tanner reached for her hand, and his fingers wrapped warmly around hers. A moment passed before he spoke, and when he did, his voice was tight with remembered pain. “I thought Carmen was the sweetest, gentlest woman in the world. As nonsensical as it sounds, I think I was in love with her before I even knew her name. She was a college cheerleader and a homecoming queen, and I felt like a nobody. By chance, we met several years after graduation when I’d just begun making a name for myself. I’d bought my first company, a small aluminum window manufacturer back in West Virginia. And I was working night and day to see it through those first rough weeks of transition.

  “I was high on status,” Tanner admitted, his voice filled with regret. “Small-town boy makes good—that kind of stuff. She’d been the most popular girl in my college year, and dating her was the fulfilment of a fantasy. She’d recently broken up with a guy she’d been involved with for two years and had something to prove herself, I suppose.” He focused his gaze away from Joanna. “Things got out of hand and a couple of months later Carmen announced she was pregnant. To be honest, I was happy about it, thrilled. There was never any question whether I’d marry her. By then I was so in love with her I couldn’t see straight. Eight months after the wedding, Nicole was born…” He hesitated, as though gathering his thoughts. “Some women are meant to be mothers, but not Carmen. She didn’t even like to hold Nicole, didn’t want anything to do with her. I’d come home at night and find that Carmen had neglected Nicole most of the day. But I made excuses for her, reasoned everything out in my own mind—the unexplained bruises on the baby, the fear I saw in Nicole’s eyes whenever her mother was around.
It got so bad that I started dropping Nicole off at my parents’, just so I could be sure she was being looked after properly.”

  Joanna bit the corner of her lip at the raw pain she witnessed in Tanner’s eyes. She was convinced he didn’t speak of his marriage often, just as she rarely talked about Davey, but this was necessary if they were to understand each other.

  “To be fair to Carmen, I wasn’t much of a husband in those early months. Hell, I didn’t have time to be. I was feeling like a big success when we met, but that didn’t last long. Things started going wrong at work and I damn near lost my shirt.

  “Later,” he continued slowly, “I learned that the entire time I was struggling to hold the company together, Carmen was seeing her old boyfriend, Sam Dailey.”

  “Oh, Tanner.”

  “Nicole’s my daughter, there was no doubting that. But Carmen had never really wanted children, and she felt trapped in the marriage. We separated when Nicole was less than three years old.”

  “I thought you said you’d only been divorced five years?”

  “We have. It took Carmen a few years to get around to the legal aspect of things. I wasn’t in any rush, since I had no intention of ever marrying again.”

  “What’s happened to Carmen since? Did she remarry?”

  “Eventually. She lived with Sam for several years, and the last thing I heard was they’d split up and she married a professional baseball player.”

  “Does Nicole ever see her mother?” Joanna remembered that he’d said his ex-wife saw Nicole only when it was convenient.

  “She hasn’t in the past three years. The thing I worry about most is having Carmen show up someday, demanding that Nicole come to live with her. Nicole doesn’t remember anything about those early years—thank God—and she seems to have formed a rosy image of her mother. She keeps Carmen’s picture in her bedroom and every once in a while I’ll see her staring at it wistfully.” He paused and glanced at his watch. “What time were we supposed to pick up the kids?”

  “Eight.”

  “It’s five after now.”

  “Oh, good grief.” Joanna slung her bag over her shoulder as they slid out of the booth and hurried towards the cash register. Tanner insisted on paying for her coffee, and Joanna didn’t want to waste time arguing.

  They walked briskly toward their cars, parked beside each other in the lot. “Joanna,” he called, as she fumbled with her keys. “I’ll wait a couple of minutes so we don’t both arrive at the same time. Otherwise the girls will probably guess we’ve been together.”

  She flashed him a grateful smile. “Good thinking.”

  “Joanna.” She looked at him questioningly as he shortened the distance between them. “Don’t misunderstand this,” he said softly. He pulled her gently into the circle of his arms, holding her close for a lingering moment. “I’m sorry for what Davey did to you. The man’s a fool.” Tenderly he brushed his lips over her forehead, then turned and abruptly left her.

  It took Joanna a full minute to recover enough to get into her car and drive away.

  Seven

  “Mom,” Kristen screeched, “the phone’s for you.”

  Joanna was surprised. A call for her on a school night was rare enough, but one that actually got through with Kristen and Nicole continually on the line was a special occasion.

  “Who is it, honey?” No doubt someone interested in cleaning her carpets or selling her a cemetery plot.

  “I don’t know,” Kristen said, holding the phone to her shoulder. She lowered her voice to whisper, “But whoever it is sounds weird.”

  “Hello.” Joanna spoke into the receiver as Kristen wandered toward her bedroom.

  “Can you talk?” The husky male voice was unmistakably Tanner’s.

  “Y-yes.” Joanna looked toward Kristen’s bedroom to be certain her daughter was out of earshot.

  “Can you meet me tomorrow for lunch?”

  “What time?”

  “Noon at the Sea Galley.”

  “Should we synchronise our watches?” Joanna couldn’t resist asking. It had been a week since she’d last talked to Tanner. In the meantime she hadn’t heard a word from Kristen about getting their two families together again. That in itself was suspicious, but Joanna had been too busy at work to think about it.

  “Don’t be cute, Joanna. I need help.”

  “Buy me lunch and I’m yours.” She hadn’t meant that quite the way it sounded and was grateful Tanner didn’t comment on her slip of the tongue.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

  “Right.”

  A smile tugged at the edges of her mouth as she replaced the telephone receiver. Her hand lingered there for a moment as an unexpected tide of happiness washed over her.

  “Who was that, Mom?” Kristen asked, poking her head around her bedroom door.

  “A…friend, calling to ask if I could meet…her for lunch.”

  “Oh.” Kristen’s young face was a study in scepticism. “For a minute there I thought it sounded like Mr. Lund trying to fake a woman’s voice.”

  “Mr. Lund? That’s silly,” Joanna said with a forced little laugh, then deftly changed the subject. “Kristen, it’s nine-thirty. Hit the hay, kiddo.”

  “Right, Mom. ’Night.”

  “’Night, sweetheart.”

  “Enjoy your lunch tomorrow.”

  “I will.”

  Joanna hadn’t had a chance to walk away from the phone before it pealed a second time. She gave a guilty start and reached for it.

  “Hello,” she said hesitantly, half expecting to hear Tanner’s voice again.

  But it was her mother’s crisp clear voice that rang over the wire. “Joanna, I hope this isn’t too late to call.”

  “Of course not, Mom,” Joanna answered quickly. “Is everything all right?”

  Her mother ignored the question and asked one of her own instead. “What was the name of that young man you’re dating again?”

  “Mother,” Joanna said with an exasperated sigh, “I’m not seeing anyone. I told you that.”

  “Tanner Lund, wasn’t it?”

  “We went out to dinner once with both our daughters, and that’s the extent of our relationship. If Kristen let you assume anything else, it was just wishful thinking on her part. One dinner, I swear.”

  “But, Joanna, he sounds like such a nice young man. He’s the same Tanner Lund who recently bought half of Spokane Aluminum, isn’t he? I saw his name in the paper this morning and recognised it right away. Sweetie, your dad and I are so pleased you’re dating such a famous successful man.”

  “Mother, please!” Joanna cried. “Tanner and I are friends. How many times do I have to tell you, we’re not dating? Kristen and Tanner’s daughter, Nicole, are best friends. I swear that’s all there is to—”

  “Joanna,” her mother interrupted. “The first time you mentioned his name, I heard something in your voice that’s been missing for a good long while. You may be able to fool yourself, but not me. You like this Tanner.” Her voice softened perceptively.

  “Mother, nothing could possibly come of it even if I was attracted to him—which I’m not.” Okay, so that last part wasn’t entirely true. But the rest of it certainly was.

  “And why couldn’t it?” her mother insisted.

  “You said it yourself. He’s famous, in addition to being wealthy. I’m out of his league.”

  “Nonsense,” her mother responded in a huff.

  Joanna knew better than to get into a war of words with her stubborn parent.

  “Now don’t be silly. You like Tanner Lund, and I say it’s about time you let down those walls you’ve built around yourself. Joanna, sweetie, you’ve been hiding behind them for six years now. Don’t let what happened with Davey ruin your whole life.”

  “I’m not going to,” Joanna promised.

  There was a long pause before her mother sighed and answered, “Good. You deserve some happiness.”

  * * *

  AT
PRECISELY NOON the following day, Joanna drove into the Sea Galley parking lot. Tanner was already there, waiting for her by the entrance.

  “Hi,” she said with a friendly grin, as he walked toward her.

  “What, no disguises?”

  Joanna laughed, embarrassed now by that silly scarf and sunglasses she’d worn when they met at Denny’s. “Kristen doesn’t know anyone who eats here.”

  “I’m grateful for that.”

  His smile was warm enough to tunnel through snow drifts, and as much as Joanna had warned herself not to be affected by it, she was.

  “It’s good to see you,” Tanner added, taking her arm to escort her into the restaurant.

  “You, too.” Although she hadn’t seen him in almost a week, Tanner was never far from her thoughts. Nicole had stayed with her and Kristen when Tanner flew to New York for two days in the middle of the previous week. The Spokane area had been hit by a fierce snowstorm the evening he left. Joanna had felt nervous the entire time about his traveling in such inclement weather, yet she hadn’t so much as asked him about his flight when he arrived to pick up Nicole. Their conversation had been brief and pleasantly casual, but her relief that he’d got home safely had kept her awake for hours. Later, she’d been furious with herself for caring so much.

  The Sea Galley hostess seated them right away and handed them thick menus. Joanna ordered a shrimp salad and coffee. Tanner echoed her choice.

  “Nicole’s birthday is next week,” he announced, studying her face carefully. “She’s handing out the party invitations today at school.”

  Joanna smiled and nodded. But Tanner’s eyes held hers, and she saw something unidentifiable flicker there.

  “In a moment of weakness, I told her she could have a slumber party.”

  Joanna’s smile faded. “As I recall, Nicole did mention something about this party,” she said, trying to sound cheerful. The poor guy didn’t know what he was in for. “You’re obviously braver than I am.”

  “You think it was a bad move?”

  Joanna made a show of closing her eyes and nodding vigorously.

  “I was afraid of that,” Tanner muttered, and he rearranged the silverware around his place setting a couple of times. “I know we agreed it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for us to do things together. But I need some advice—from a friend.”