the Ring (1980)

by Steel, Danielle

  Oh, Paul, it's lovely.

  Isn't it? He chortled happily. And it's all mine. My father says it's a loan until I start working for him, but I know him better than that. The car's a gift. He smiled proudly down at the new roadster and Ariana was amused. In the past week he had also convinced his mother to rent a house on Long Island, and plans were already under way to find an establishment suitable for all of them for at least a month, if not two. And then, the salt mines. He smiled at Ariana as they drove slowly through the park.

  And then what? Will you get your own apartment?

  Probably. I'm a little too old to live at home.

  Ariana nodded slowly. He was also a great deal too mature. The apron strings had long since been cut. She had already learned that about him. They'll be disappointed if you move out though. Especially your mother and the girls.

  He looked at her strangely then, and Ariana felt something inside her tremble. Then he stopped the car and pulled over. And you, Ariana? Will you miss me, too?

  Of course I will, Paul. Her voice was very quiet. But she suddenly thought back to their exchange about her past. He had already touched her deeply. And it would hurt to lose him now.

  Ariana ' if I left the house, would you spend some time with me?

  Of course I would.

  No. He looked at her pointedly. I don't mean just as a friend.

  Paul, what are you saying?

  That I care for you, Ariana. Paul's eyes never wavered from hers. I'm saying that I care for you very, very much. I've been drawn to you, I think, since that first day. Her mind went back instantly to the breakfast when he had made her cry by asking about Berlin and then wiped the tears from her cheeks. She had felt a strange pull toward him then, and she had felt it since. But she had resisted it from the first. It was wrong for her to feel that way about him, and it was much too soon.

  I know what you're thinking. He sat back in his seat, but his eyes remained on Ariana, ethereally beautiful as always in a clinging white silk blouse. You're thinking that I hardly know you, that until a couple of weeks ago I thought I was engaged to some other girl. You're thinking that it's hasty, that I'm on the rebound ' He went on matter-of-factly, and Ariana smiled softly.

  Not quite all that.

  But some of it?

  She nodded. You don't really know me, Paul.

  Yes, I do. You're funny and you're loving and you're kind, you're not bitter in spite of all you've been through. And I don't give a damn if you're German and I'm American. We come from the same kinds of worlds, similar backgrounds, and we're both Jews. For an instant she looked desperately pained. Every time one of them said something like that, it reminded her again of her lie. But it was so important to them that she be Jewish. It was as though she had to be Jewish to be worthy of their love. She had thought about it often. Everyone they knew, all of the girls' friends, everyone Sam did business with, was Jewish. It was essential. It was a given. An invariable. And the thought that Ariana could be anything but Jewish would have been unthinkable to them. Worse than that, she knew that it would have been seen as a betrayal, perhaps even the ultimate betrayal. Because she had won their love.

  Sam and Ruth hated the Germans, the non-Jewish ones. To them, every German who was not a Jew was a Nazi. Ariana would have been a Nazi to them, if they had known the truth. The realization of that had come to her quickly, and it still hurt. It was the pain of again realizing that that Paul saw once more in her eyes. She turned away from him, with a look of distress on her face. Don't, Paul ' don't ' please.

  Why? His hand touched her shoulder. Is it really too soon? Don't you feel what I do? The words were hopeful and for a long moment she didn't answer. For her it was and always would be much, much too soon. In her heart she was still married. Had Manfred been alive, they would have been trying to have their first child. She didn't want to think of any other man. Not yet, not now, and not for a very long time.

  She turned slowly to Paul then, with a look of sorrow in her eyes. Paul, there are parts of my past ' I may never be ready ' it's not fair to let you think '

  Do you like me, even as a friend?

  Very much so.

  All right, then, let's just give it some time Their eyes met and held and she felt a sudden longing for him that frightened her. Just trust me. That's all I ask. And then ever so gently he kissed her on the mouth. She wanted to resist him, she owed that much to Manfred, but she found that she didn't want to make Paul stop, and she was flushed and breathless when he took his mouth from hers.

  Ariana, I'll wait if I have to. And in the meantime, he kissed her cheek gently and started the car again "I'll be content to be your friend. But as he said the words, she knew she had to say something more. She couldn't just let it go at that.

  Paul she put a gentle hand on his shoulder what can I say to you to tell you how much I appreciate your feelings? What can I say to let you know that I feel for you like a brother, but

  He cut her off. You didn't kiss me like a sister.

  She blushed. You don't understand ' I can't,. I'm not ' I'm not prepared to be a woman to any man.

  And then he couldn't bear it any longer, and before they reached the house where the others waited, he turned to her, with a pain in his eyes she had never seen before. Ariana, did they hurt you? ' I mean, the Nazis ' did they? , At the caring in his eyes, her eyes filled with tears and, hugging him tight for how much he truly cared for her, she shook her head.

  No, Paul, the Nazis didn't do what you think to me. But that night he knew he did not believe her, when he heard her terrible scream. Many nights he had heard her torment, but this time instead of turning over, knowing that the war she still fought was now hers alone to fight, he walked softly on bare feet into her bedroom and found sitting there at the edge of her bed, a small light burning, her face in her hands, sobbing softly, a small leather book held in her hands.

  Ariana? He advanced toward her and she turned. He saw then what he had never seen in her before, the raw anguish of torment He said nothing more. He only sat down beside her and held her until at last the sobs subsided and she was calm.

  In her dreams she had seen Manfred again ' dead outside the Reichstag. But there was no way she could explain that to this young man. After a long time with her head on his shoulder, he took the small leather book from her and glanced at the spine. Shakespeare? My dear, how intellectual for this hour. No wonder you were crying. Shakespeare would do that to me, too. She smiled through the last of her tears, then shook her head.

  It's not real. And then, taking the book from him, I saved this from the Nazis ' it's all I have left. She flipped open the secret compartment and for an instant Paul looked stunned. They were my mother's. The tears began to flow again. And now they're all I have.

  Paul could see an emerald and a large diamond signet ring among the others, but he dared not ask her anything at all. It was obvious how distraught she was.

  Ariana had had the presence of mind to tuck Manfred's photographs into the lining of her purse, but thinking of them now made the tears flow again thinking that she had to hide him like that.

  Shh ' Ariana, stop. He held her close and felt her tremble, gazing still at the two rings. My God, those are two fairly incredible rocks. You got those out without the Nazis seeing? She nodded victoriously and he picked up the large emerald ring. That's an extraordinary piece of jewelry, Ariana.

  Isn't it? She smiled I think it was my grandmother's before her, but I'm not really sure. They say my mother wore it all the time. She picked up the diamond signet. And this one, too. Those are my great-grandmother's initials. But the design was so intricate one had to know that they were there.

  Paul looked at her with awe then. It's a wonder no one stole them from you coming over on the boat. Or anywhere else she'd been. He didn't dare say what he was thinking, but it had taken ingenuity for her to bring that little book so far. Ingenuity and guts, but he already knew that she had lots of both.

  I wouldn't have let an
yone take them. They were all I had left. They would have had to kill me first. And as he looked into her eyes, he knew that she meant what she said.

  Nothing is worth dying for, Ariana. Now his own experiences showed in his eyes. I've learned that much myself. And she nodded her head slowly. Manfred had discovered the same thing. What had there been worth dying over? Nothing. There was winter in her eyes when she looked back at Paul, and this time when he kissed her, she didn't pull away, Get some sleep now. He smiled at her gently and motioned her back under the covers so he could tuck her in. But she was already reproaching herself silently for letting him kiss her. It wasn't right. But once he had left the room, she found her mind drifting back to things he had said, about the war ' about himself. ' they were things Manfred might have said. Paul was young, but he was daily becoming more a man in Ariana's eyes.

  Chapter 36

  Ariana, are you all right this morning? Ruth Liebman looked at her over breakfast the next morning and found her looking strangely pale. It had taken hours for her to get back to sleep the night before after Paul had left. She felt guilty about encouraging him. She knew that eventually, after he'd been home for a while and had played for a bit and had run into old friends and made some new ones, she would hold less pull for him. But in the meantime he was like a big devoted puppy, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings. She was annoyed at herself, but he had been so kind to her when she had had the nightmare, and she was only human after all. She looked up at Ruth Liebman with big sad eyes that morning, and the older woman frowned with concern. My dear, is something wrong?

  Ariana shook her head softly. No, I think I'm just tired, Aunt Ruth. It's nothing. I'll get some more rest and I'll be fine. But Ruth Liebman was sufficiently concerned that half an hour later she picked up the phone, and later that morning she appeared in Ariana's room.

  Ariana picked her head up off the pillow with a wan smile. The sleepless night had had a dire effect on her. After she had eaten breakfast that morning, she had returned to her bedroom and vomited for half an hour. Now it showed in her pallid face as Ruth pulled up a chair and sat down. I think that it might be a good idea for you to see Doctor Kaplan today. Ruth tried to hide her worry in ordinary words.

  But I'm all right ' really '

  Now, Ariana. She looked reproachfully at the young girl all but hidden by her covers and reluctantly Ariana nodded.

  All right, but I don't want to go to the doctor, Aunt Ruth. There's nothing wrong with me.

  You sound like Debbie or Julia. Come to think of it, she grinned, you might even sound like Paul. And then, having thrown one shoe, she decided to throw the other. He hasn't been pressuring you, Ariana, has he? She watched the girl's face intently as Ariana shook her head.

  No, of course he hasn't.

  I just wondered. He has an awesome crush on you, you know. Ariana had not heard the word crush before, but she got the message easily.

  I had that feeling, Aunt Ruth. Ariana perched on the edge of her bed. But I've had no intention of encouraging him. He seems like a brother and I miss my brother so much ' Her voice drifted and Ariana looked once more into the older woman's eyes. And I would never do something that would so greatly displease you.

  That's what I thought I'd tell you, Ariana. It wouldn't displease me at all.

  It wouldn't? Ariana looked stunned.

  No, it wouldn't. Ruth Liebman smiled. Sam and I talked about it the other day. And we know the boy is still kind of on the rebound from Joanie, but, Ariana, he's a good boy.

  I'm not pushing you in any direction. I just wanted to let you know that if the subject should ever come up ' She gazed softly at the young German girl sitting in their guest room bed. We love you very much.

  Oh, Aunt Ruth. Her arms went instantly around the woman who had been so good to her since they first met I love you so much.

  We want you to feel free to do what you want to do. You're a member of the family now. You must do what's right for you. And if he does get that bee in his bonnet, don't let him pressure you if that's not what you want. I know how stubborn he is! Ariana laughed in answer.

  I don't think it'll ever come to that, Aunt Ruth. She wouldn't let it. It still didn't seem right to her. I couldn't help wondering if that was what was happening, that Paul was pursuing you and you were consumed with guilt because of us.

  No Ariana shook her head tentatively "though Paul did say something the other day, but Ariana shrugged and smiled . I just think it's his crush.' She tried out the new word.

  You just follow your heart wherever it takes you. Ruth smiled at her hopefully and Ariana laughed as she got out of bed.

  Are mothers supposed to play Cupid?

  I don't know. I've never done it before. For a moment their eyes met and held. But I can't think of anyone we'd rather have as a daughter-in-law, Ariana. You are a very special, lovely girl.

  Thank you, Aunt Ruth. With a look of gratitude she turned to the armoire and took out a pink striped sundress and white sandals. The June sun was already warm. And she was about to turn to Ruth again to tell her how foolish it was for them to go to the doctor, when, without any warning, she felt dizzy and slumped slowly toward the floor.

  Ariana! Ruth was out of her chair instantly and at the girl's side.

  Chapter 37

  Dr. Stanley Kaplan's office was at Fifty-third Street and Park Avenue, and Ruth dropped Ariana off in the doorway of the building and went to park.

  Well, young lady, how are you feeling? I guess that's a stupid question. Not very well obviously, or you wouldn't be here. The elderly man smiled at her from across his desk as Ariana sat facing him in his office chair. The last time he'd seen her she had been wan, pale, frightened, scraggly. Now she looked like the beautiful girl she was. Almost. There was still that haunted look around her eyes, the look of pain and loss and sorrow that would not be quick to fade. But otherwise her complexion looked good, her eyes bright; her long blond hair had been shaped into a handsome pageboy. And in the fresh, candy-striped dress she wore that morning, she looked like the daughter of any of his patients, not like a young woman who had fled war-torn Europe some few weeks before. So tell me, what's the problem? Still the nightmares, nausea, dizziness, fainting? Tell me. He smiled warmly and picked up his pen.

  Yes, I still have the nightmares, but not quite as often. Now at least sometimes I can sleep.

  Yes he nodded, you look more rested.

  She nodded and then she admitted to him that after almost every meal she was still sick. He looked shocked. Does Ruth know? This time Ariana shook her head. You have to tell her. You should be on a special diet. Every meal, Ariana?

  Almost.

  No wonder you look so thin. Did you have this before, this stomach problem?

  Only since I walked most of the way to Paris. Once I didn't eat for two days, and a couple of times I tried to eat some dirt in a field ' He nodded quietly.

  And the fainting?

  It still happens a lot.

  And then he did something she wasn't expecting. He put down his pen and looked at her long and hard, but the look was one of kindness and utter compassion, and when he spoke to her, she knew that this man was her friend. Ariana, I want you to feel that there is nothing you can't tell me. I want you to tell me anything I need to know about your past life. It is almost impossible for me to help you if I have no idea what you've been through. But I want you to know that what you tell me is sacred. I'm a doctor, and I've taken a sacred oath. Anything you tell me I cannot repeat to anyone else, and I never would. Not to Ruth, not Sam, not their children. No one, Ariana. I'm your doctor, and your friend, too. And I'm an old man who's seen a lot in his lifetime, maybe not as much as you've just seen in yours, but I've seen enough. Nothing will shock me. So now, if there's something you need to tell me, for your own sake, about things they did to you that could have led to these problems, I want you to go ahead. His face was so kind that she wanted to kiss him, but instead she only sighed softly.

  I d
on't think so, Dr. Kaplan. I was in a cell once for over a month, and all they fed me was some potato broth and stale bread and water and once a week they gave us meat scraps. But that was a long time ago, almost a year now.

  Did the nightmares start then?

  Some of them. I ' was terribly worried about my father and my brother. Her voice dropped painfully. I never saw them again after that.

  The doctor nodded slowly. And the stomach trouble, that started then, too?

  Not really. A smile flashed across her face then, remembering her own first attempts at cooking for Manfred and the liver sausage stew. Perhaps it was that that had destroyed her stomach. But she did not explain the smile.

  Ariana, I feel we know each other a little better now. He entered the subject slowly. The first time he had seen her, he had not dared to ask.

  Yes? She looked at him expectantly.

  Were you he thought over how most delicately to put it ' used? Judging from her delicate beauty, he had felt sure from the beginning that she had been, but she shook her head now, and he wondered if she was simply afraid to tell the truth. Never?

  Once. Almost. In that same cell. But she offered no further explanation and he nodded his head.

  Then perhaps we'd just better look at you. He buzzed for the nurse, who helped her undress.

  The doctor had an odd feeling as he went over her body. His brows knit and he examined her more closely, asked for some more information, and then finally, regretfully, suggested a pelvic. He felt sure that she would regard it as an ordeal. But she seemed steeled for the inevitable, and she was oddly quiet as he prodded her and felt at last what he had suspected, the uterus swollen to twice its normal size. Ariana, you can sit up now. She did, and he looked at her sadly. She had indeed been lying. Not only had they assaulted her, they had impregnated her.

  Ariana. She sat there after the nurse had left the room, so pale, so young, the sheet draped over her. I'm afraid I have something to tell you, and then maybe we ought to talk some more.