Hard To Stay

by S. Jones

  The seat next to me dipped, and a glass of water was placed in front of me. He very gently reached out and stroked my knee. “Talk to me.”

  I could feel his gaze on me as I stared blankly across the room. I picked up the water and took a long sip hoping it would wash away the lump in the back of my throat. What I really needed was a bottle of wine or two, but it was a little early in the day for that.

  “I’m so sorry about all this.”

  He sat up and grabbed my chin, forcing me to face him. “If you’re going to sit here and apologize to me, then you might as well be quiet because I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Brad, how can I not? This is so unfair to you.”

  He brushed his fingers along my bottom lip; his touch was so soothing and comforting. I felt my body instinctively lean into him. “It’s a little late for that don’t you think?”

  I leaned back into the couch, breaking our physical contact when all I wanted to do was curl into him and get lost in his touch and his reassuring voice. I wanted him to take away the crippling panic I felt and bring me back to this morning before we ran into Colton. I wished we could have a do over so I wouldn’t have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

  “You don’t understand what you’re signing yourself up for. This is utter bullshit and you know it. He’s not going to stop until he gets what he wants.”

  My head hurt and my eyes burned. I was no closer to escaping my past than I was the day I had left Georgia. It had been four months, and I was really no closer to being completely free of that asshole. Reality came knocking on my damn door this morning with an all too familiar reminder that happiness was meant to elude me. I swear I was being punished for something I did in my prior life and this was my penance from God himself. Some sort of cosmic payback—for what I still wasn’t sure. Did anyone really deserve this kind of torment?

  “Sweetheart.” He said softly, “I’ve already crossed that line, I care about you A LOT, and if you think I’m just going to sit back and let him terrorize you, then you don’t know me very well.”

  I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve this man, but I’d never been more thankful for anything in my entire life. He’d been my one constant. My rock. The only one to stand by my side and never let me down. I’d spent so many years fighting to survive that it felt so damn good to have someone actually fight for me, for once.

  “Brad, I appreciate that. I really do, but you have no idea how dangerous he is. You’ve put yourself in the middle of this and now he’s going to come after you.”

  His hands reassuringly squeezed mine. “I know exactly what I’m doing, and I don’t care how much trouble he causes. You’re stuck with me so you might as well get used to it. I’m not going anywhere. This is our fight now.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. God, this man was crazy. But I couldn’t help but wish with my whole heart that I had met him first. Brad was my only ray of sunlight throughout this stormy nightmare. He had filled me with so much hope over the past few weeks, but it was fading fast. Colton’s visit reminded me that this was my real life.

  “Brad, I need to tell you a few things. After I’m done, you can decide if you still want to move forward with me.” He tried to cut me off, but I held my hand up. “Please let me get this out while I still have the courage to say it.”

  He leaned back and folded his arms across his chest. I stood up and started to walk across the room. I needed to put a little distance between us. Being so close to him messed with my head, making it difficult to think straight. This conversation was too important, and I needed to get everything off my chest. If he still wanted to be with me after all this, then that would be his choice. But I couldn’t allow him to make that decision without knowing everything. I didn’t want to live with any more regrets or what ifs.

  I walked over to the window, turned my back to him and started pacing a small path across his living room.

  “Colton and I met when we were teenagers. We became fast friends and had a lot in common. It didn’t take long for that friendship to turn into something more. My family adored him…” I swallowed hard. “That’s why when the abuse started it was hard to recognize.”

  I sucked in a breath as memories flashed before my eyes.

  “It started out small; he would get jealous and question me about where I was going and who I was with. When I was away at college, he practically forbade me from having any kind of social life that didn’t include him. It became hard for me to make friends, and I know it sounds silly when I say this, but he eventually convinced me to quit school and move back home. I gave everything up thinking things would eventually get better, but they never did.” I wiped a tear from my cheek and looked off into the distance. I didn’t want him to see the shame I felt. “Things only ended up getting worse. Within months, the emotional abuse turned physical.”

  “It started out with a grab here, a push there, then a shove, and finally a hit. I started to notice things going missing, like my credit cards, for instance.” I shook my head. “Contacts would be deleted from my phone; my passwords would suddenly change without me changing them. He would hide my birth control pills and force me to have unprotected sex. I was afraid to say no.”

  Brad rose to his feet and moved quickly across the room. I felt his large body press up against mine. This conversation was a heavy reminder of all I’d had to endure and all that I’d left behind. I leaned back into his arms and focused on the sunrays that had found their way through the blinds, warming my face. I sucked in a breath and I tried to push all those painful memories aside, so I could finish.

  “I was working a fundraiser on his father’s campaign when I met a local volunteer. He was around my age and we really hit it off. Colton wasn’t all that happy about my new friendship and when I got home that night he made sure to let me know how upset he was.”

  My eyes fluttered closed at the memory of what had happened next. “He was drunk and I should have known better, but I still tried to break-up with him. That ended up being a big mistake because something inside him snapped. We had gotten into plenty of fights before. But that night, he was more agitated, more out of control. When I tried to leave, he threw me down on the bed and forced himself on me.”

  Brad’s hands tensed on my arms. I turned to look at him; it felt like my heart was flipping around inside my chest. He gripped the back of his neck and looked up at the ceiling with a wild look in his eyes.

  “I’m going to fucking kill him.” His voice was thick with rage. He looked about ready to blow up a building. I could only imagine the things he was thinking about doing to Colton. “I mean it, Lexi, I’m going to end his sorry ass.”

  “Please, let me finish.” I sighed, tipping my head down. “I knew I had to get away from him, but I also knew he wasn’t going to let me go without a fight. I planned my escape for weeks. The day I left, I stopped by my parents’ house to pick up my birth certificate and social security card. They were out of town and I never told them I was leaving or where I was going. Our relationship was strained because they refused to see the truth when I tried to tell them that Colton wasn’t the man that they thought he was.” I clutched my shirt as if it would somehow stop the frantic beating. “My sister was home that day, and I felt guilty about not saying goodbye. When I went upstairs and opened her bedroom door, I walked in on her and Colton having sex. Talk about a betrayal. He was cheating on me with my own damn sister!”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Lexi!” Brad said, raking his hand down his face. “Sweetheart, listen to me, okay? I deal with this kind of shit every day. I see things that no one should ever have to see. I’m saying all that, because based on what you just told me...” he blew out a deep breath. “God, Lexi, you are the strongest, most resilient person I have ever met. What he did to you, the pain he caused you….” His words trailed off. The level of emotion in his eyes made me realize that I was in deep with this man. He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “It takes a strong soul to endure so much and
still make it through to the other side. You’ve crawled your way through the darkness and back into the light. I promise you that I’m going to take away all those nightmares and turn them into dreams. You’re a part of my life now. There is nothing I won’t do for you. I won’t allow anyone to ever hurt you again.”

  A wave of fresh tears hit my eyes. I literally let myself fall into his arms. My cheek rested against his heart, the soothing beat put me at ease immediately.

  Somewhere along the way, I’d let him slip through the cracks. He was breaking through an emotional door that had been locked for years. But after today, I would have gladly handed him the key if he’d asked.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Brad

  Lexi had mentioned on more than one occasion that she missed the food and the culture from the south. We’d spent the past week huddled up in my apartment so I thought a change of scenery would do us both good. Plus, I really wanted to get the hell out of my apartment. It had been nice having her all to myself, but I was starting to go stir crazy staying inside.

  Colton had been off the grid since he ambushed us outside her building last week. I didn’t like the unknown and his silence was getting to me. Constantly looking over my shoulder and sleeping with one eye open every night wasn’t the healthiest way to live. But if it meant she was kept safe, I would gladly suffer the consequences. She was worth it.

  We walked into one of my favorite restaurants in the city. This place was nothing short of a hole in the wall, but if you were looking for the best barbeque in town, this was your place.

  Lexi’s back hit my chest the second we stepped inside. Her head moved slowly around the room. “Are you sure this place is safe?”

  I kept my face neutral while I pretended to think it over. “Guess we’ll have to find out for ourselves.” I gestured with my hand to let her lead the way. Her steps were slow and measured as she continued to look over her shoulder at one of the bikers sitting at the bar.

  We sat in a small booth near the back and the waitress handed us our menus. “What can I get you kids to drink?”

  Lexi eyes skated from her menu to our waitress. She appeared to be in her early forties. Her entire body was covered in tattoos and piercings and she looked to be about eight months pregnant. “I’ll just have a water for now. Thanks.” She replied, politely and folded her hands in her lap.

  You could tell she didn’t know what to make of this place. It was dark, and dangerous- looking. The wood tables looked like they needed a fresh coat of stain and the floorboards had nails popping out all over the place. Every square inch of wall space was covered. There were random pictures of random sizes with no discernable theme or order. It was so unique that it held your attention.

  “I’ll have a water, too, and bring us two Coronas with lime, please.”

  Once the waitress was gone, I reached across the table for Lexi’s hand. She placed her palm inside mine and I began to stroke her thumb gently. “Relax, you’re going to love the food. I promise.” I debated on easing her discomfort by letting her know that this place was a local landmark and was frequented by tourists, celebrities and politicians for the unique atmosphere and incredible food. But it was too much fun watching her eyes move around the room with interest taking in the surroundings.

  She finally leaned into the table and whispered low enough so only I could hear her. “Are you sure this place is inspected by the health department?”

  “Pretty sure that’s the law.” I replied, leaning back into the booth and looking over the menu.

  “You’ve been here before?”

  “Many times, and I lived to tell about it.”

  The waitress appeared. “Have you guys decided yet?” She asked, pulling her pen out of her BBQ-stained apron.

  I looked at Lexi, who was still looked unsure about what to order. “What’s good here?” She asked, as her eyes scanned over her choices.

  “Everything.” The waitress and I replied at the same time.

  Lexi blinked her eyes up at me and smiled. “Okay! You can order for me,” she said, finally closing her menu.

  I turned towards the waitress who looked ready to leave if we didn’t give her an order soon. “We will have a full rack of ribs, two pulled pork sandwiches, and for the sides, we’ll have the mac and cheese, mac salad, baked beans and corn bread.” I handed the waitress our menus as she finished writing everything down.

  Once she walked away, Lexi’s eyes shot to mine. “Are you expecting company?” She asked, looking at me like I was crazy.

  My lips twisted. “Nope, and you’re going to help me eat every bit of it.” I told her before taking a sip of my Corona.

  A grin broke out across her mouth. “Now I know you’ve lost your mind.”

  I winked. “Want to bet?” There was nothing else that made me smile more than seeing her look so happy and relaxed. We needed this. I needed it.

  She rolled her eyes, apparently so sure of herself. “Sure, why not? To be clear though, I will not be giving you a chance to win your Lexus back. Because make no mistake, it will be mine. So… bring it on.”

  I leaned back in the booth and brought my hands to the back of my head when an idea struck me like a bolt of lightning. “How about if I win, you’ll let me use my handcuffs on you in the bedroom tonight?”

  Big blue eyes locked on mine. I wasn’t into all that kinky shit that women were reading about lately, but that didn’t mean I didn’t like to spice it up every once in a while, and have a little fun. I wanted Lexi to trust me. I wanted to take away all her troubles and physically fuck them out of her system. The only thing I wanted her to worry about was where my mouth and hands were going to land next.

  A small smile curled at the end of her lips. “And if I win?” She asked, arching an eyebrow. She seemed to be warming up to the idea. Either that or she was feigning interest and planned on shooting me down.

  I fought hard to cover my grin when I answered. “If you win, you get to use the handcuffs on me.”

  She laughed, “So, either way, you win?”

  I brushed my thumb across my bottom lip as images flashed in my mind. “I’d like to think either way, we both win.”

  “You do realize you’ll be mine tonight, right?” She answered, with a confidence that flooded my brain with images of her lying beneath me. I imagined her soft curves, pink parted lips and all the possibilities of what those handcuffs could entail. I shifted my legs when I felt a bulge grow in my pants.

  I reached out and cupped her face, loving the way she leaned into my touch.

  “Sweetheart, I’m yours tonight and every night.”

  God, I was completely screwed. This woman had slowly stripped away my defensive walls, leaving me emotionally bare and exposed. It was as if she scrubbed all the ugliness away from my life. There wasn’t a part of me that was off limits to her.

  Our purple-haired waitress returned to the table and placed an unending supply of food in front of us. We both laughed hysterically because there wasn’t an empty space left on the table. I very carefully rearranged the plates and placed Lexi’s half in front of her.

  “Okay, just so we’re clear on the rules... if I can manage to finish all this, you’ll tie me up. If I don’t, then I get to tie you up?”

  I placed my napkin on my lap and started to dig in. “That’s correct, now eat up.”

  “You must really want to feel the cold metal against your wrists tonight, huh?” She teased and then took a bite of her pulled pork sandwich. “Oh my God.” She moaned, while rolling her eyes into the back of her head. “This is amazing.”

  We both knew in that moment that she knew she was fucked either way.

  After the waitress cleared all the empty plates, Lexi leaned back and placed her hand over her stomach. It looked a little bloated from all the food she’d consumed, but I wasn’t stupid enough to say anything. Especially if I still planned on getting laid tonight.

  “I can’t believe I ate all that food.”

  �
��Told you so.” I smirked and reached across the table so I could wipe a smudge of barbeque sauce off the side of her face.

  She narrowed her eyes at me, took a sip of her beer and placed it on the coaster in front of her. “I can’t believe you made me choose between the taste of baby back ribs or the feel of handcuffs around my wrist.”

  “You’ll have to let me know if it was worth it, later.”

  She laughed, “Yeah well, I may need a nap first.” Her hands patted her stomach in satisfaction not caring that she’d just lost the bet.

  I shook my head, leaned back and let my eyes roam all over her. My stare was so obvious it should have made her uncomfortable, but she just held my gaze like the champ she was.

  “No sleeping allowed. I’m keeping you up all night.”

  A blush worked its way up her neck before landing on her cheeks. Not being able to wait any longer, I leaned across the table and brought her mouth to mine. I kissed her hard, not caring about what anyone else in the restaurant might have thought. A quiet moan left her mouth; I was thinking the check couldn’t come quick enough.

  Her expression softened as I pulled away. “What are we waiting for? Let’s get out of here.”

  As I signed the bill, I heard footsteps approaching our table. When I looked up to see who it was, my face fell.

  “Hello, Brad.”

  I dropped the pen, folded up the receipt and stuffed it in my wallet while trying to sound casual. “Hey, Samantha, how’s it going?” To call Samantha an ex-girlfriend was probably a bit of an overstatement, but I knew she was much more into us than I had been. Not that it mattered anyways because at the time I couldn’t see myself being in a relationship with anyone.

  She adjusted the strap of her purse along her shoulder. “Have you not been getting my messages?” She asked, as I forced myself to make eye contact with her. Samantha really was a beautiful woman. She was half Italian and half Spanish and had an hourglass figure that most men would pay money just to look at. But that didn’t change the fact that the emotional connection was never there with her.