Hard To Stay

by S. Jones

  “Sorry.” I apologized. “I’ve been really busy lately.”

  I’d been dodging her calls for over a month now. I knew why she was calling and instead of dealing with her directly, I had simply avoided her all together.

  Samantha crossed her arms and narrowed her gaze on Lexi. She didn’t look pleased. “Yes, I can see that.”

  “Samantha,” I said, throwing my napkin on the table. I wasn’t going to allow her to disrespect Lexi in front of me. This was awkward and going downhill fast. “This is my girlfriend, Lexi.”

  She blanched at my words as if I had physically struck her. “I thought you said you weren’t ready for a relationship?”

  Lexi started to get up from the table. “I’ll give you guys a few minutes to talk.”

  Panic started to shoot through me. I reached for her hand “Lexi, no. You don’t have to go.”

  Samantha’s face fell. “Really, Brad you can’t give me five minutes?” She fired back, getting more pissed off by the second.

  I ran my hand through my hair tugging on the ends like it was going to pull an answer from my brain. I was getting fucking nothing. “Lexi, please sit down.” I half told her, half asked. I didn’t want to be inconsiderate of Samantha’s feelings, but I was more concerned about Lexi. We’d had enough drama for two lifetimes in the last 30 days and I really wasn’t sure where this conversation was going.

  “Brad, it’s okay.” Lexi reassured me, “I need to use the restroom anyway, and it sounds like this woman has something she really needs to say to you.” I was so conflicted on what to do. Her accepting tone confused me, but as I watched her walk away, I felt a small sense of relief.

  Samantha slid into the empty seat across from me and rested her hands on the table. She looked like there were a million questions swirling through her brain.

  “I didn’t mean to come across as a bitch, but I wasn’t expecting to see you with anyone. When you stopped returning my calls, I assumed it was because you weren’t ready for a serious relationship. So can you imagine my surprise a little over a month later when I run into you on a date and you introduce me to your girlfriend? Didn’t take you very long to get comfortable being serious with another woman, did it?”

  I wanted to be angry, but the girl had me dead to my rights. Things were going great, and she gave me all the space I asked for. She played by the rules and I didn’t. She deserved better than me ignoring her calls and dumping her without an explanation. I should have manned up.

  “Look Samantha, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry that I didn’t call you back and I’m sorry that you got hurt. That was never my intention. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were right; I wasn’t looking for a relationship when we were together.”

  Her eyes sharpened, trying to mask the hurt she felt. “Why is she so special? Help me understand.”

  I sat back and weighed my words carefully. “I’m not trying to be a dick here, but my relationship with her is none of your business.” I needed to be blunt. I didn’t want her to leave with more questions than answers. “I wasn’t looking for any kind of commitment, it just happened. You’re an amazing woman and I do care about you. But, you need to understand something; you and I were never meant to be more than a moment in time. I never misled you. I was always honest about what I wanted out of our arrangement. The second I realized that you were in a different place than I was, I knew I needed to end it. I didn’t want to hurt you. I know that’s what I ended up doing anyway, and for that I’m sorry.”

  Samantha was about to say something but I cut her off. “Don’t ask me to explain it because I can’t. It just happened.” She looked a little hurt, and I was reminded to soften my words. “Again, I’m sorry that I hurt you. I swear it wasn’t anything you said or did. I hope you can accept my apology.”

  She wiped the corner of her eye and it made me feel like shit. “This girl is she…?” She stopped and then tilted her head. “Is she what you were looking for? Does she make you happy?” She asked. Seeming to finally pull herself together.

  Blonde hair caught my eye, and I turned my head to see Lexi standing off to the corner. She was giving Samantha and I time to finish our conversation. I ignored the instinctive urge to run over and pull her into my arms. Never in my life had I ever felt such a connection to someone as I did to her. There was no limit, no line I wouldn’t cross for her.

  A flood of emotions hit my chest and squeezed my heart so tight that I felt it deep down in my gut. I was in love with her. I scrubbed my hands down my face and tried to ease the panic filling me up from the inside out. The last time I’d felt like this, I had lost everything.

  I took a painful swallow and tried not freak out. “Yes Samantha, she does.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lexi

  The car ride back to Brad’s apartment was filled with awkward silence. Every so often I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, noticing how tightly he gripped the steering wheel. He seemed cagey, worked up, and completely withdrawn. It confused the hell out of me.

  His current mood obviously had something to do with his conversation with that woman at the restaurant. There was no other explanation for it. I remembered him telling me that their relationship was nothing serious. So, if that was the case then why the heck was he acting so weird?

  My head rested against the window, my vision blurred with unshed tears. I reached inside my purse and pulled out my phone in a futile attempt to distract myself. My hands shook as I punched in my password to unlock my home screen. I struggled three different times trying to remember the four-digit password that I knew by heart.

  Sitting back in my seat, my eyes grazed over the press release that was incomplete. One of my models had a launch tomorrow with a big-name cologne manufacturer. The draft that our PR department had drawn up wasn’t finished and the person in charge was going out on maternity leave. I shook my head and tried to distract myself by looking over my calendar. I was desperate and would have done anything to avoid the uncomfortable silence. His sullen mood had me second-guessing everything. After a few more wasted minutes, I let out a heavy sigh and finally gave up fiddling with my phone. He obviously needed space, so that’s exactly what I planned to give him.

  “If you’re not going to talk to me, then maybe it would be best if you just took me back to my apartment.” I uttered, trying to leave the emotion out of my voice. I was so confused, but his silence hurt and it was getting late. I had an early meeting tomorrow and plenty of stuff to do.

  His head snapped to mine. “What the hell?” He blinked at me like I was crazy. “Why would I do that?”

  I pursed my lips. I didn’t want to sound jealous or insecure but really what other conclusion was there for me to draw? He left me with no other choice but to think it had something to do with her.

  “You obviously have a lot on your mind and I don’t want to be in your way while you try to sort it all out.”

  He scoffed at me before he pressed the brake to the floor, causing us to come to a screeching stop at the red light in front of us. He swung his head back to mine. “You think this is about Samantha, don’t you?”

  I had to look away from him so he wouldn’t see the hurt in my eyes. “It’s fine.”

  “Fuck! I’m such an idiot.” He mumbled, as he slammed on the gas so hard that my head flew back and hit the headrest.

  We were getting closer to his building, and I silently thanked God because I so wanted out of this car.

  Brad kept one hand on the steering wheel and surprised me when he reached for mine with his other. He rested his arm on the console between us and laced our fingers together. The tension in my body softened. I didn’t realize how much I needed his touch until his strong calloused hands began to stoke mine gently. “I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and for allowing you to think it was because of her.”

  His words confused me because they didn’t match the agitated man riding next to me. “It’s okay.” I said, giving his hand a reassuring
squeeze, hoping not to upset him any further.

  His tone was soft when he spoke. “No. It’s not okay, because this has nothing to do with her. But during our conversation I realized something, and it freaked me out a little.”

  I turned my head to look at him. He was so focused on the taillights in front of us as he maneuvered his way in and out of the heavy traffic. He tried to appear calm, but I sensed that was mostly for my benefit. The muscles in his jaw pulsed, reminding me that whatever was on his mind, it was weighing him down. I had a sinking feeling that we were headed towards a very heavy conversation for which I was not the slightest bit prepared.

  After a few minutes that seemed more like hours, Brad finally let out a breath. “Can we talk more about this when we get home? Because I really want to explain something and give you my full attention.”

  All I heard was the word ‘home’. It was a simple word, but the way he used it hit me in the chest. He acted like it was ‘our’ home and I quickly had to remind myself that this was only a temporary arrangement. I had my own apartment, one I would return to once Colton was out of the picture. What would happen then? When Colton was no longer a threat?

  “Okay.” I squirmed in my seat and tried to bury my gaze in my lap. That sick feeling still twisted in my stomach as I nervously tried to get my body to relax.

  Once we stepped inside Brad’s apartment, I stood there unsure of what to do. He walked over to the kitchen and placed his keys and badge on the counter. My stare landed on his back as he hunched his shoulders forward. He was only a few inches away, but it felt like we were miles apart. Panic crept though me, and the first thing I thought was that Brad was going to break up with me. I sucked in a deep breath and then released it. If he was going to end things I wanted to just get it over with.

  “Brad, talk to me.”

  He turned and what I saw in his eyes had left me at a loss for words. His intense gaze seared through my body like nothing I’d ever felt before. He looked at me like I was absolutely everything. He moved purposefully towards me and what he said was not what I was expecting.

  “Samantha asked me what it was about you that was so different? Why you were so special.” His deep voice went straight to my core, making my legs go weak. “Opening my heart up again was never a part of my plan, but I realize now that I never stood a chance against you.”

  My heart started to pound erratically in my chest. He slid his arms around me and placed his hands along my curves, gripping them tightly. “I was locked up tight then you walked into my life.” He placed his face in my neck and dropped a kiss there. “The way you make me feel makes me wonder if I ever really felt this way before.” He stared at me for a beat, checking for my reaction. My mind went back to our conversation in the car and how weird he had acted. Did I completely misread the situation? I didn’t want to risk being wrong, but I had to know.

  “Brad, what are you saying?”

  He gave me a soft grin. It was that same damn grin that shook my already fragile heart. It was so dangerous that it should have come with a warning.

  “I hate comparing you to Emily. I don’t want to diminish what I had with her because I did love her.” His movements stopped, and I was rewarded with a soft smile. The kind that was so beautiful you could never get tired of staring at it. For the first time since we left the restaurant I could breathe comfortably. “I’ve come to realize that what I feel for you doesn’t even compare. I love you, Lexi.”

  Little tiny explosions hit my guarded heart causing everything in my world to shift.

  He gently touched my cheek. “When I first started this with you, I was so hell bent on saving you.” He paused. “But you ended up saving me. I held onto my past because it’s all I’ve ever known. I never realized how much it was holding me back until I finally let it go.” He placed my hand over his heart and brushed his lips against my forehead. “My heart beats for one person, and that’s you. I let you in, Lexi, when I promised myself that I would never allow anyone in again.”

  His words shattered me in all the best ways possible. I felt the endless possibilities of a relationship that I never thought I’d ever have. Somewhere along the way the beautiful seed of love was planted inside me. Somewhere during our budding friendship and morning walks my feelings began to grow. Somewhere in-between our first kiss and this moment, Brad had stolen my heart. I didn’t ever want to get it back.

  Hot, wet tears fell from my eyes, and then it dawned on me. I drew back and smacked him on the shoulder. He released his hold on me and blinked in confusion.

  “I thought you were going to break up with me.” I said, between sobs.

  Brad just stared at me. “What?”

  I rested my hand against the base of my neck trying to get myself under control. “You were acting so weird in the car. And I thought after seeing how intense your conversation looked at the restaurant…”

  He reached out and grabbed my hand. “You thought I was ending it?” He asked while I looked down at our joined hands. “Lexi, look at me.” His voice was stern as I lifted my eyes to his. “I’m sorry that you felt that way. Believe me when I say that is the last fucking thing I plan on doing.”

  “I know that now.” I said, feeling stupid for jumping to conclusions. “Can we start over, because I feel like an ass?”

  He chuckled and brought his lips back to mine. “God, I love you.”

  More tears fell. Would I ever get used to hearing him tell me he loved me? He cupped my face, and I looked up at him with a small smile. “I still feel like an idiot.”

  He smirked and slanted his head to the side. “Yeah, you are, but you’re MY idiot.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh as I smoothed my hand over his chest. He just told me he loved me. Now it was my turn to tell him. I dragged my hands down the base of his shoulders and looked directly into his eyes. My heart was pounding as I gathered the courage to say the words that he needed to hear. I was prepared to lay it all out there for him. I brought my hands up to his neck and folded them along the back and took a deep breath.

  “Meeting you was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I have completely fallen in love with you, too. Everything you do. Everything you say. Everything you are and everything in between, you are…” Before I could finish my thought, Brad covered my lips with his. My fingers slid down his chest. His muscles were tight and hard, yet he still trembled under my touch.

  His tongue took over the inside of my mouth and all I could taste was Brad. His hands slid into my hair, pulling me closer. My body was buzzing from head to toe with need. His hot, urgent kisses made a path across my skin with no sound in the room other than our heavy breathing.

  He pulled back. “Lexi, do you trust me?”

  “Of course, I trust you.”

  He intimately kissed my forehead and took my hand and led me towards his bedroom door. My eyebrows lifted in a quizzical look, trying to figure out why he looked so nervous.

  He reached in and placed his warm palm against my cheek. “You know… a bet is a bet.”

  I smiled as I recalled the wager we had made at the restaurant. “And I’m a woman of my word.”

  His eyes locked on mine, never breaking contact. My knees felt wobbly, but I tried my best to play it cool. A crooked grin split his mouth lifting it higher on one side. My heart may have been thundering in my chest, but this was Brad. I trusted him with my life. There was nothing I feared from him. If anything, he made me feel brave.

  He brushed my hair off my shoulder, the tips of his lingering fingers causing butterflies to flutter in my stomach. “You know I would never hurt you, right?”

  I brought my hand up to his cheek and gave him the reassurance he needed. “Of course, I know. Now are you going to put those cuffs on me or are we going to stand here all night chatting? A bet is a bet and I am here to pay up.”

  He laughed, but neither one of us moved. He knew how I felt about giving up control. I swore I would never allow another man to control me again,
but that’s exactly what I had done. But with Brad it was different. I found comfort in his physical strength and I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

  He reached for my hand, brought it to his mouth and pressed a kiss on the inside of my wrist. “You’re safe with me.” He assured me, as he led me into his bedroom.

  I stopped, turned around and stood on my tippy toes, “I know,” I said as I pressed a kiss on his jaw. “Now let’s get this going because I’m afraid once we start I’m going to have a hard time keeping my hands off you.”

  He grinned at me. “Okay then, you’re under arrest gorgeous. You have the right to remain silent…” he smirked. “But I seriously doubt you’ll be able to.”

  His gaze was so tender as he started down at me. I could tell by the way his hands shook when they slid around my waist that he was just as nervous as I was. It felt like this man was undoing something inside me. Something I never realized I needed.

  Smiling, I shook of my nerves and focused on his trusting eyes. I could do this.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Brad

  My hands flew so fast across the keyboard that I never noticed Lucas walk into my office. “What’s up, bitch?” he said, sliding into the seat across from my desk. He stretched his long legs out in front of him, crossing his feet at the ankles.

  I lifted my head to greet him. “Hey, what brings you around?” I asked, pushing away from my computer, grateful for the interruption.

  When he didn’t answer, I grinned. “Let me guess, you were in the neighborhood.”

  Lucas arched his eyebrow. “What has you so fucking cheeky today?”

  I swirled around in my chair and laced my hands behind my head. There was only one reason why he would be on the Internal Affairs floor and considering that he was one of my frequent fliers when it came to internal disciplinary actions, I assumed it wasn’t a good one.