Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  Lullaby of Tears

  Lindsay Becs

  Copyright ©2021 Lindsay Becs

  All rights reserved

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without prior written consent of the author except for the use of brief quotation in a book review.

  The characters and events depicted in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Cover Design: Sybil Wilson at Popkitty Design

  Formatting: Marley Valentine

  Editing: Tricia Harden

  Proofreader: Mercedes Velez

  Contents

  Playlist

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  Other Books by Lindsay

  Special Thanks

  Playlist

  Lady Gaga - Always Remember Us This Way Lyrics Video

  Powfu - Death Bed

  Lewis Capaldi - Hold Me While You Wait

  Alec Benjamin - The Book of You & I

  Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie - Rockabye

  Taylor Swift - Wildest Dreams

  Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko - Stay

  Tonight Alive - How Does it Feel?

  Bruno Mars - When I Was Your Man

  Katy Perry - Unconditionally

  Louis Tomlinson - Always You

  Dedication

  To the ones that feel like every mistake they make defines them…

  It doesn’t.

  1

  Lily

  It’s the summer before my junior year of high school, the year my life was about to change forever.

  My church youth group was at an amusement park for the day, and my best friend, Lola, came with me. She joined me at church sometimes and typically tagged along on these types of outings. I didn’t really know many other people from church, even though I was there every Sunday and attended each activity they scheduled. I mostly kept to myself, not feeling like I fit in with anyone.

  My parents have been happily married for the past twenty-eight years. I can only hope that one day, like them, I’ll find my mate for life. They balance each other out perfectly. I am lucky to have grown up with the parents I have. They have supported me, cheered for me, have always been there, and I can talk to them about anything without a worry. But they are conservative, to say the least, and expect three main things from my brother and me.

  1. We will be at church every Sunday as long as we live with them.

  2. We will be respectful, hard-working people.

  3. We love hard. We love each other and those closest to us with a fierceness that can’t be broken.

  My brother, Mark, is ten years older than me. He left for college by the time I was in third grade, leaving me to feel more like an only child than one with a sibling. It never bothered me that he wasn’t around much, but it did get lonely at times.

  But I’ve had Lola. Lola’s always been my rock. She’s an only child, and despite being a year younger than me, she’s always seemed older and wiser.

  I think we became like sisters immediately, filling that void for each other. We were instant friends after we bonded over our favorite band and became inseparable. She has always given me the best advice, and I can trust her with just about anything.

  We have weekly sleepovers where we watch trashy movies, eat junk food and end with playing Twenty Questions, Lola’s favorite game, late into the night.

  She’s my soul sister. We just get each other. We don’t judge the other, even if we don’t agree. It’s a carefree, easy friendship full of fun, and most days we end up laughing so hard we have tears streaming down our faces. I would be lost without her. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was before we met. I definitely feel like I can do anything with my best friend by my side.

  So, it’s only fitting that she’s with me today. Standing in line for a roller coaster, we wait our turn with a group of guys from youth group behind us. They’re goofing around and having a good time. I had seen them before but never talked to them. All of them older—seniors.

  One of them asks me a question about when we have to be back on the bus and I answer, turning back around to my friend. Then they asked another, and before long, we were talking and joking around with them.

  “I’m Case, by the way. You’re so short, you know that?” he asks as he stands next to me, putting his arm on top of my head with a big cheesy grin.

  “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” I reply with an eye-roll, moving out from under his arm. “I’m Lily. This is my friend Lola.”

  Lola shyly waves. She’s not sure what to make of dudes yet. I love her awkwardness; it’s like my own personal entertainment because no one else sees it quite the same as I do.

  She likes boys; don’t get me wrong. She just doesn’t know how to act around them. Lola is gorgeous though and always turns heads. That is the ironic thing about my best friend, with her blonde hair and long legs.

  We joke around with them as we wait the hour for our turn, then we ride the ride, scream our heads off, and start to head back to the bus to leave for the day. Lola is in the middle of making fun of my scream when Case comes running up behind us.

  “Hey, did you like the ride?” he asks, all smiles.

  “Yeah, it’s always a good one. Did you?” I ask, cocking a brow. “Or did you get scared?” I add with my lip pouting.

  “Ha-ha,” he deadpans. “Can I walk with you back to the bus?”

  I look at Lola with a questioning look. She just rolls her eyes and nods.

  “Sure,” I answer, looking down at the ground as we walk.. I’m not sure what is going on, but I feel nervous all of a sudden.

  Case and I became friends that day. I started to hang out with him and some of the other guys, who soon became my friends too. It’s nice to finally feel like I’m part of the youth group now and have friends to hang out with. The typical group of us included Case, Lola and me, along with Thomas (who everyone calls Tommy) and Jordan. There were others who joined in at times too, but this was the standard group. We always hung out after church on Sundays, if not any other time. Case and Tommy went to the same school, and Jordan went to another. We were a band of misfits, but we misfits fit together perfectly.

  Case and I texted just about every night. It was usually us bantering back and forth. He was always teasing me for being short, and I was always making fun of him for all the girls he kept rotating in and out of his life. I never wanted to become one of those girls. The more I got to know Case, I realized how much of a ladies man he was and tried to be.

  He was tall with jet-black hair, olive skin and one of the best smiles I had ever seen. I could see the appeal that most girls saw in him. He really was an attractive guy, but to me, he was just Case. He liked to have a good time and never let life hold him back from what he wanted. He was outspoken, but I guess that came with the territory from growing up in an Italian family with four older brothers. Our conversations always came easily, and we could talk about anything
, from our mutual love of peanut butter to sex to our life aspirations.

  So, I guess it was inevitable… I started secretly crushing on Case. He was completely oblivious to it, of that I’m sure. Case loved the ladies, but he loved one the most. Rachel.

  They dated off and on, but he always went back to her. I knew he and I would never be more than friends, and I was okay with that. We had a good thing going.

  When the new school year started, things were good. I felt like it was a fresh start. Besides Lola, I never really clicked with girls, and not having many other friends, my self-confidence had been low. So, already having a group of friends, even if they did all go to different schools, I felt on top of the world. I was full of confidence. I felt good about being me and who I was as a person and a friend.

  * * *

  “So, you know those pictures we took the other week? The ones outside?” Lola asks, lying across my bed. She’s not looking at me, so I can’t tell what she’s thinking or where she’s going with this.

  “Yeah,” I say hesitantly, scared of where this is going.

  “I showed my friend Mitch at school, and he thought you were really cute.” She now looks up at me with a smile, waiting for my reaction.

  “Really?” I ask with a smile, my face scrunched up in disgust.

  “Yeah. He doesn’t have a date for homecoming, and I suggested he take you. Then we could go to a school dance together.” She’s getting more excited the more she talks.

  Since Lola and I attend different schools, we don’t get to do the usual best friend things at school functions together. I guess this is her way of trying to get us to feel more like ‘normal’ best friends. Or she was nervous about going with her crush by herself.

  “Lola!” I yell. “I can’t believe you did that! I haven’t even met him!” I throw a pillow at her. She catches it, laughing hysterically. Bitch.

  “He’s really cute. He’s kind of punk. Super funny. Just give it a try,” she pleads with her hands clasped together under her chin begging me.

  “Seriously can’t believe you did that,” I say with a smile and a sideways look. “Fine, I’ll go.”

  I met Mitch the next day. He was everything Lola had said. He had this shaggy blond hair and blue eyes. He was hilarious. Made me laugh the entire time we hung out. He played guitar in a punk rock band with three of his friends, including Lola’s super crush, Nate. I felt like a different person when I was with him. And I liked it.

  Homecoming was a few weeks later. Mitch and I doubled with Lola and Nate. The four of us danced and laughed the entire night. I hadn’t had that much fun in a long time.

  Mitch became my boyfriend after Thanksgiving. He gave me ‘guitar lessons’ once a week. Which really meant that he came over and we made out. A lot.

  “I wrote you a song,” Mitch says to me between kisses one afternoon.

  “You wrote me a song?” I’m smiling so big, and I feel my cheeks blush.

  “Can I play it for you?” he asks, moving up from the couch in the basement where our ‘lessons’ take place. Grabbing his guitar, he sits down on the arm of the couch next to me. He starts to play and sing, “With a smile that lights up the world…”

  His sweet voice melts me from the inside out. I think I blush the entire time, but it is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

  “Wow...” That’s all I can say. I stand in front of him, pressing my lips to his. “Thank you,” I finally manage, smiling with our lips still touching.

  “You’re welcome,” he says, smiling me back at me.

  * * *

  Case: He wrote you a song?!?!

  Me: So sweet, right? I swooned.

  Case: Swooned? How old are you?

  Me: A hot 75. Easily

  Case: Well damn. Swoon away then, grandma.

  Me: I dyed my hair blue.

  Case: YOU WHAT?!?!

  Me: Yep. Blue.

  Case: Why?

  Me: Mitch.

  Case: Again. Why?

  Me: His band is playing a gig Saturday and I want to surprise him. Plus it’s more his style.

  Case: I like you blonde. Change it back.

  Me: NO! I’m with Mitch, not you, stupid.

  Case: GTG. Later, Smalls.

  Me: Ta-ta!

  * * *

  Me: Lo, you like my hair right?

  Lola: Ummm…

  Lola: Jk! Yes! I did dye it for you.

  Lola: Do you like it?

  Me: Love it but I told Case. He seemed mad.

  Lola: Why does he care?

  Me: That’s what I said!

  Lola: Do what you want and don’t care what he says, besides it’s for Mitch, not Case.

  Me: I know… but I do care.

  Lola: Do you like Mitch?

  Me: The kissing is good.

  Lola: Lil, I’m serious.

  Me: Ugh! I don’t know…

  Lola: If you don’t like him then why waste your time and his?

  Me: Because he’s hot and the kissing is amazing. LoL

  Lola: You’re an idiot.

  Me: You’re a bitch, but I still like you. :P

  Lola: I’m the bitch? You’re the one dying your hair blue for one guy and crushing on another.

  Me: I am not crushing on anyone

  Lola: You forget I know you.

  Me: *sigh*

  Lola: See? Bitch.

  Me: Does this mean no more hot punk band boy kissing?

  Lola: If you want to keep me as your friend, yes.

  Me: Lo! That’s not fair!

  Lola: LoL I’ll see you Saturday for the show, then you are letting him down. Gently.

  Me: But I don’t wanna…

  Lola: Sweet baby Jesus… Lil!

  Me: See you Saturday. XO

  Lola: I do not accept your XO unless you agree to dump the poor boy.

  Me: FINE!! I’ll do it after the show… after I get one more good make-out session.

  Lola: You are relentless.

  Me: What? He’s always all hot and bothered after a gig.

  Lola: Bitch

  Me: You love me! XO

  Lola: XO

  2

  Lily

  It’s Saturday night, and Mitch and his band are putting on a killer show. Lola and I have been dancing and singing every word up front the whole night. My tight jeans are now permanently stuck to my body from sweating so much, and I’m just praying that my blue hair isn’t running down my face.

  Lola? Well, Lo still looks perfect, her makeup flawless with her bright red lips and her platinum blonde hair. She’s always in black and looks like she should be on the runway with her killer long legs. I don’t know why Nate hasn’t asked her out again. She’s gorgeous inside and out.

  Once the show ends, we all sit in a corner booth and start reliving the show. Brix and Donovan—the other members of the band—sit with us for a few minutes but soon walk away toward some girls that keep giving them fuck-me eyes from across the room.

  Mitch, who is the best storyteller ever, starts to tell us about how this one girl keeps coming to every show and waits for him afterward. I’m listening to his story and feel a twinge of jealousy seize my insides. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “It was nothing, Lil. Girls are always trying to hang on all of us guys,” Mitch says, trying to smooth over what he’s just revealed to me... that he’s a moron.

  I get up and walk to the back door of the venue to get some air, and he’s right behind me. “You don’t have to sound like you like it so much,” I say over my shoulder, disdain dripping from my tone.

  “We were having a good time. I was making fun of her; I don’t like her.”

  “Sure you do.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that I’m just this idiot who is trying to fit into your world and you don’t even seem to notice or care.” I’m exasperated at this point with his stupidity and my own.

  “I never asked you to change yourself for me. You
know I’m in a punk rock band, and this is me. This is my style. I never asked you to be that. I like you for you, not for the color of your hair.” Smirking, he looks at my hair. He takes a step closer to me, but I take one back to keep a safe distance between us.

  “Do you really? Because I just dyed my fucking hair blue and I don’t even like it and you never seemed to notice!” I finally yell, so irritated with his smugness and my idiocy.

  “Is this really about your hair?” he asks with a stupid grin on his face, stepping closer to me again, this time tugging on a blue lock. I feel my insides tightening.

  “Is this really working, Mitch? Do you really want to be with me? Wouldn’t you rather have the freedom to do what you want?”

  “Lily, I like you, I really do…” He trials off, his eyes dropping to our feet.

  “But you’re done,” I finish his sentence for him. When I finally look up at him, I see remorse in his eyes, and it’s killing me. I was supposed to be the one ending it, not him. Now I’m the one who’s getting dumped, and I’m going to cry over a boy I didn’t even really want to be with when this night started. Because rejection hurts regardless.

  Mitch takes another step closer to me, closing the distance between us, and kisses my forehead, letting his lips linger there. My body just melts into his as I feel the tears begin to form in my eyes.

  “Look at me,” he orders, grabbing my chin to turn my face toward his, making the tears in my eyes fall down my cheeks. “I’m in if you’re in.”