Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  “Yes, please.”

  “Well, let’s get started because you are not going to make it easy for me.”

  “Hey!” I yell, sitting up to grab my makeup bag.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, looking at me like I have three heads.

  “Getting my makeup bag so you can start.”

  “Um, no. You smell like dirty sex. Go shower!” she yells at me, pointing toward the door with a scrunched-up nose.

  “I do not!” I throw a pillow at her. “And I showered already this morning.”

  “Once isn’t enough.”

  “Fine,” I laugh as I walk toward the bathroom.

  * * *

  “Have you talked to him since last week?”

  “Who? Mitch?” Lola asks, while applying black eyeliner to my eyes.

  “Yeah. Have you talked to him since we broke up?” I don’t know why I’m asking. Or even why I want to know.

  “No. Well, I saw him last night, but I didn’t talk to him.”

  “You saw him? Was this while you were studying?” I ask annoyed. If she’d been there, I wouldn’t have slept with Case. That’s not fair to put on her; I know it was my deal but still. “Sorry, Lo, I didn’t mean to sound like that. Where were you anyway?” She clears her throat, and I know this means she’s nervous. “Lo…”

  “Don’t get mad, ok?”

  “Where were you, Lola?” Now I’m intrigued because I love my Lo, but my Lo does not keep secrets from me. I knew something was up.

  “I went to see them perform.”

  “Why would I be mad about that?”

  “Because I went to see them perform at Whitey’s and Nate and I hooked up afterward.” It all rushes out, and then she stops and stares at me wide-eyed, waiting for my reaction.

  “You went to Whitey’s?! Without me?! You bitch!” I laugh. Whitey’s is a dance bar in the next town over. You are supposed to be over eighteen to get in, but Lo and I have a tendency to look older than we are and never have any problems getting in. But I’ve never known Lo to go without me. It’s usually where we go to hang with Mitch and his band to watch others perform. It is the ‘It’ spot to play if you are a local band. It’s the place for discovery.

  “I know I’m so scandalous,” she teases.

  “I can’t believe they played Whitey’s after all this time and I didn’t even get to see it.” Now I’m bummed I wasn’t there. Even if Mitch and I did break up, this was a huge deal for them, and I would have loved to have gone to support them.

  “I know. I felt really bad not telling you, but then I thought it was a good thing since you and Mitch broke up. But now I feel bad again because of how things turned out.”

  “Lo, that wasn’t your fault. It was my fault.” I look at her and give her arm a squeeze with a small smile. “Now let’s back up. You hooked up with Nate?!” I squeal.

  She puts a hand to her face as she blushes. “Yeah...”

  “Give me details! Why are you holding back on me, woman?!”

  I sit there with a smile on my face, listening to my best friend tell me about how she finally got to kiss and feel loved and wanted by the boy she’s been crushing on for the past year. All while my entire insides are shattering beyond repair.

  I’m so happy for Lola, and I do not want to take this away from her. She’s always been there for me and listened to me go on and on. Now it’s my turn. I can do this for my best friend.

  “Why, Lola Conway, I believe you are smitten,” I say with a southern drawl, batting my eyelashes at her.

  “Shut up! I am not!”

  “It isn’t a bad thing. Hey, you’re ahead of me. At least he said the right name the whole time, right?” I try to make light of my situation.

  “Lil, don’t do that.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t belittle yourself. Don’t take what’s breaking your heart and turn it into a joke. Your heart is no laughing matter.”

  “Don’t make me cry. You just perfected my face.”

  “You’re right, my bad. If only your name was easier to remember,” she says, giving me a wink.

  “I gotta get my dress on and get to the church, or I’m going to be late.”

  “Mitch isn’t picking you up?”

  “No, he’s meeting me there. Just figured it would be easier.”

  “I gotta run. I’m seeing Nate again tonight,” she says with a smile. “You look beautiful. Have fun tonight, ok?”

  “I will. I got my dancing shoes,” I say holding up my five-inch heels and laughing.

  6

  Mitch

  It’s been almost a week since Lily and I broke up, if that’s what you want to call it anyway. We had the titles, but we didn’t really date. We didn’t see each other much, and when we did, all we did was make out. Not that I was complaining, but even I know she deserves more than that. I just, unfortunately, can’t give her that right now.

  But, fuck, if I can’t stop thinking about her and wondering if I made a mistake. That kiss in the alley wasn’t just hot. It was a kiss that made me feel like she was in my soul. But her confession that she was going to end things with me too was the nail in the coffin for us.

  I can be her friend. We don’t have to have the labels of anything more, no matter how much I want to keep her close and in my life.

  Right now, I need to keep my focus and stop letting my every thought be infiltrated by Lily. Tonight, we’re playing at Whitey’s. Even if our band doesn’t go anywhere after tonight, I can die happy knowing that we played here.

  Whitey’s is the place to be where we’re from. Outside of Cleveland sits the bar that has been the stage of discovery for lots of other bands and singers. It’s where agents go to look for new talent and patrons hope to be in the crowd of the undiscovered.

  My bandmates and I have been here hundreds of times before to listen to others play, always hoping that one day we’d be on that stage. And tonight, that dream is coming true.

  “Why do you look like you’re trying to have a good shit over here in the corner by yourself?” Nate, my bandmate and friend, asks.

  Nate is the lead singer of our band. He and I, along with Brix and Donovan, have been playing together since we were in middle school. Brix plays bass guitar, and Donovan is our drummer. We all write together, but I seem to write more than the rest of them.

  “Shut up,” I scoff, shoving him away. “Just thinking.”

  “You aren’t clamming up on me, are you?”

  “Nah, just letting it all soak in, I guess. Being here and playing on stage. It’s the dream.”

  “It’s not the end of the dream yet, man. We aren’t waking up; we’re just starting.”

  “I saw Lola’s here.” I smile at him. He won’t admit it, but he’s had the hots for her for a while.

  “You upset Lily isn’t?” he tosses back at me.

  “Nope,” I lie, walking past him, and pretend to tune my guitar.

  Before he can give me any shit, I’m saved by the manager letting us know we’re on in five.

  “Woohoohoo!” Nate yells as he heads out to find the other guys.

  The second we’re on stage with the lights on us, I know this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. Closing my eyes and tilting my head back, I enjoy every string and note I play on that stage.

  The energy is palpable in the room, and my heart is hammering in my chest. By the time we finish our set, I’m soaked in sweat and exhausted, yet feel the most energized I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s the craziest feeling.

  The guys and I are all jumping and slapping each other, full of adrenaline, when a man interrupts us. “Excuse me, guys, can I get your attention for a minute?”

  We all stop and look at him. “Who the fuck are you?” Nate so respectfully asks.

  “I’m Wyatt Blake, and I’d like to meet with you tomorrow about signing you. Does that answer you enough?” he says with a crooked grin.

  We all stare blankly at him for a minute until it all sets in. “
Uh, yeah, that’d be great,” I say, reaching out to shake his hand. “I’m Mitch.”

  “Here’s my card. Meet me at noon tomorrow. The address for my office is on the card.”

  “Yes, sir. Thank you,” I say, taking the card from him.

  When he walks away, the guys and I start yelling all over again. This is happening. It is happening.

  And yet, the only person I want to tell isn’t here.

  * * *

  The next afternoon, the guys and I meet with Mr. Blake, who tells us again that he’d like to sign us. Not just that though, he’s ready to book us on a small tour with a handful of other bands too. Some we’ve heard of and other we haven’t, but does it even matter? He wants to sign us.

  We’re told we’re leaving in a month for the tour. The guys and I all toss looks around because none of us have graduated yet. We’ll have to drop out and get our GEDs if we want to graduate.

  Taking a deep breath and with a shaky hand, I sign my name to the contract after my other bandmates and friends. We’re making our dreams come true, consequences be damned.

  “Let’s go celebrate,” Donovan says when we exit the building.

  “I, uh, need to tell my pops, and then I’m supposed to meet Lil at some wedding,” I tell them. “I already know it’s not going to go well.” I chuckle with false bravado.

  “Yeah, guess we should all break that news to our parents, huh?” Nate jokes. His parents will probably be the most indifferent. They’ll be both supportive and cautious about it.

  Brix shrugs like his won’t care, and they probably won’t since they don’t ever seem to be around for him or his sister much these days.

  Meanwhile, Donovan’s parents will probably help him pack and congratulate him like it’s the best thing to ever happen.

  After wishing each other luck, we all take off in different directions to let our families know what’s happening. Funny that we’ll all receive very different levels of support.

  I park my rundown Camry in the gravel drive and slowly make my way inside. “Where you been, boy?” I hear my dad yell from his recliner.

  “Hey, Pops,” I mutter, walking to the living room, where he’s nursing his probably sixth beer of the day already. “I have to tell you something.”

  “Tell me you didn’t get a girl pregnant,” he guesses, and at this moment, I almost think that would be more forgivable to him.

  I shake my head. “No. No babies on the way.” He motions for me to go on. “The guys and I were signed by an agent today.”

  “Someone signed you and your little friends?” he laughs.

  “Yeah. We’re going on tour and recording an album and everything. It’s all in the contract.” I pull out my copy of it and show him.

  His eyes scan the pages of printed ink that hold my dreams. “This says you leave in four weeks.”

  “Uh huh.”

  I can feel his eyes bore into the side of my head and peek up to look at him. “You are not dropping out of school to follow some pipe dream.”

  “It’s not a pipe dream if it’s coming true. I looked up Mr. Blake and his company last night. It’s all legit. It’s the real deal, Pops.”

  “You’ll never make enough to support yourself, Mitch. Musicians don’t make it that easily. You are finishing school, going to college and working like a real man does to provide.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek and stay quiet for a minute before I speak up again. “No.”

  “What did you say to me?”

  “No, sir.” I pick up my head and look him straight in the eye. “I’m leaving. I’m going, and I’m doing this. We’re going to make it.”

  I stalk off toward my bedroom to get ready for the wedding where I’m meeting Lily, and I’m already late. I pack a bag with everything of value I have, which isn’t much, along with clothes and all essentials.

  I open the door back up to leave when I hear my dad confirm what I already knew was coming. “If you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back.”

  “Figured as much. Already packed my bag. Bye, Pops,” I say before walking out the door.

  I strangle the steering wheel the whole drive to the hotel where the reception is being held. I already missed the wedding, and now Lily is probably pissed at me, but I need to see her. She’s the only person I want right now.

  I only hope that I didn’t blow my shot with her. Because if nothing else is clear right now as I drive, it’s that I don’t want to do any of this without my biggest fan by my side.

  Once inside, I go straight to the front desk and spend way more money than I should booking a room for the night. But if I have no home at the moment, I might as well kick off my first night on my own with a bang.

  Throwing my bag inside the room I booked, I go back down and wait for Lily to arrive with the rest of the wedding party after their pictures are done. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from the other guests milling around.

  I don’t wait long before I see her, and she takes my breath away. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I know right then that I’m an idiot for letting her go.

  7

  Lily

  Well, Mitch was supposed to meet me here at the wedding, but even as I’m walking down the aisle with my smile on, I haven’t heard from him. I try to scan the crowd while I’m walking toward the front of the church, not seeing him anywhere. Could this day get any worse? I’m such a chump.

  The ceremony was beautiful, and I’m so happy for my cousin and her new husband. They truly do look so happy and in love. There were times when my smile was even genuine and not forced, and that’s saying something.

  After we finish the thousands of pictures, everyone heads for their cars. I’m so thankful that I drove by myself so I can have a few minutes to get my shit together.

  By the hundredth time that I had to smile and pretend to be happy, I was ready to punch the photographer. Especially when he pointed at me, scolding, “Bridesmaid number three, I need you to look up and smile big this time. Don’t take away from this lovely couple’s pictures.” Well, thank you very much, Mr. Douchebag. That big camera compensating for something else? My own personal joke made me smile at least.

  I take a few breaths, turn on my favorite jam to help me get out of my head and drive to the hotel where the reception is being held. I’m the last of the bridal party to arrive, and they were all waiting for me to go in. I give an apologetic smile as we line up in our order. Bridesmaid number three at your service during this most horrific day of her life. Somebody just shoot me in the head now. I put my smile back on as we all march into the reception hall at the hotel.

  That’s when I see him. He’s standing off to the side and smiling at me.

  Mitch.

  He did come.

  I look up at him as he’s mouthing, “I’m so sorry,” while clapping as we all walk to our head table. Now, my smile is genuine. I don’t feel like a complete loser anymore.

  Once I’ve done all my duties and can get up from the table, I walk straight to Mitch, who is outside the hall. “I was looking for you,” I say, startling him.

  He looks up from his phone, smiling, “I’m so sorry I was late, Lil.”

  “It’s ok.” I return his smile.

  “You look incredible,” he says, eyeing me from top to bottom while grabbing my hand to spin me in a circle.

  “Thank you. You clean up pretty well yourself.”

  He’s not wearing his usual ripped jeans and faded band tee. Instead, he’s got on dark skinny jeans and a button-down shirt. He still has his signature black Converse shoes on though.

  Seeing them makes me smile more because I branded myself on those shoes. After a show one night, I took a silver Sharpie and put a star on the toe of each shoe with an “L” inside the star on one and an “M” inside the other. He didn’t scrub them off.

  “Do you want to get out of here?” I ask, grabbing both of his hands in mine.

  “Don’t you have bridesmaid shit
to do or something?” he asks. I can tell he wants to leave as much as I do, if not more. This is definitely not Mitch’s scene.

  “Duties are done. Let’s go.”

  “I actually have a room here,” he says, dropping his head and peeking up at me, waiting for my reaction.

  “What are you waiting for? Lead the way.”

  He doesn’t hesitate while holding my hand and pulling me behind him to the elevators. A businessman follows us into the elevator, and we ride in silence two floors up with him. The second the doors close behind the man, Mitch crashes into me, causing my back to smack into the cold wall of the elevator. His mouth hits mine, hard and unrelenting, while our hands are everywhere on each other in a frenzy.

  The doors open on his floor, and we pull apart long enough to walk down the hall to his room, not saying a word. He keeps trying the key card to open the door, but it won’t unlock. Seeing his frustration, I take the card from him and slowly put it in the lock. And sure enough, it opens. I smile at him, putting a soft kiss on his cheek as I open the door and walk inside.

  “I’m an idiot,” he says from the hall. Not having moved since I walked inside.

  I giggle, falling onto the bed. “Why? You were just doing it too fast.”

  “I’m not talking about the lock. Although that was stupid,” he says, glaring at the door as he closes it behind him.

  “What are you talking about then?”

  “I’m an idiot for letting you go.”

  “Mitch…” My breath hitches saying his name.

  He sits on the bed with me, grabbing my hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for the wedding.”

  “It’s okay. A call would have been nice, but you came. Just late.”

  “That’s what she said.” He smiles as he leans over and kisses me on the lips. Just once. Soft and sweet. Just like him.

  “How do you do that? Crack a sex joke and be sweet and sexy all at the same time.”

  “I’m the total package, baby,” he says with a mock model face while running his hands down his sides, making me laugh.