Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  “Are there robes in here?” I ask, standing up to look in the bathroom.

  “Why do you need a robe? You trying to be all Hollywood on me?”

  “No, I want out of this dress,” I say, kicking off my heels. Reaching down, I pick them up, throwing one at him.

  “Hey! What’s that for?” he yells, catching it.

  “For being late,” I laugh, throwing the other one. He ducks, missing it.

  “You said you forgave me,” he says, pouting with his bottom lip out and batting his eyelashes.

  “There aren’t any robes,” I whine, falling back down on the bed. “What are you doing?” I ask, seeing him unbutton his shirt.

  “You can wear my shirt.” He says it casually while shrugging out of it.

  “Yes!” I jump up, grabbing his shirt and skipping into the bathroom. I stop at the door and peek out. “Can you unzip me?”

  “You’d be so lost without me,” he sighs, walking toward me.

  The warmth of his hands as he unzips my dress makes me close my eyes and sigh. When I open them, I see him looking at me through my reflection in the mirror in front of me. Instead of holding my dress up, I let it fall to the floor. I’m still watching him as his eyes scan down the reflection of my body.

  Although Mitch and I had dated for the last six months, we never crossed this line. We made out. A lot. But he never pressured me to do more than that, and I didn’t know what I was doing, so we kept it fairly PG.

  We haven’t taken our eyes off each other. I don’t know how long we stand there staring at each other, but I know there is nowhere else I want to be. Reaching behind my back, I unhook my strapless bra, letting it join my dress on the floor at my feet, leaving me in nothing but a thong. Slowly, I turn to face him.

  When I do, he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. This makes me laugh and look down shyly. “Do you still want me to put your shirt on?” I ask coyly, peeking up through my lashes.

  “Nope,” he says, making his “P” pop.

  I smile and look at him now. “This isn’t why you got a room, is it? Were you expecting this?” I ask now with my eyebrows pulled together in concern, suddenly feeling self-conscience.

  “What? No!” He closes his eyes for the first time since I turned around. “I got the room because my dad kicked me out.”

  “Oh, fuckballs. Why? What happened?” I ask, pulling him into me for a hug.

  “I can’t talk about this while you are naked and against me,” he says, squeezing me back with a chuckle.

  I had forgotten for a minute that I was naked. “Sorry,” I say, turning around to grab the shirt from the bathroom vanity, but he grabs my wrist and pulls me back to him instead, kissing me like his life depends on it.

  I pull away, leaning my forehead to rest on his. “Wait.”

  “I… I’m sorry,” he stutters, taking a step back and turning away from me.

  I close the distance he just made, wrapping my arms around him from behind, pressing my naked front against his bare back. “Talk to me. What happened?”

  He scrubs his hands over his face, seeming exasperated. “Lily…”

  “I’ll put your shirt on. We’ll order room service. We’ll talk. And then we can pick up where we left off.” I kiss his back and squeeze him again before letting go to put on his shirt, before he can stop me again, even though he feels so good pressed against me.

  Once the room service is delivered and I’m halfway through my bacon cheeseburger, I ask again. “What happened, Mitch? Why did he kick you out?”

  “Well, I dropped out of school.”

  “Oh, Mitch,” I sigh, “why?”

  “The reason I wasn’t at the ceremony was because I had a meeting this afternoon with a music manager.”

  “No way!” I punch him.

  He rubs his arm, pouting like it hurt him. “Ow!”

  “So, I guess it was a good meeting?”

  “He signed us, Lil. A legit manager signed our band. Put us on a tour. Nothing big, small gigs in big-name bars across the country.”

  “That is incredible, Mitch!”

  “Yeah, well, good old pop didn’t think so. He said if I dropped out of school to chase a stupid dream then I could do it on my own dime.”

  “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

  “Do you think I’m being an idiot?”

  “What? Of course not.”

  “Seriously, Lily. Don’t stroke my dick. Tell me like it is.”

  I choke on the fry in my mouth. “When you put it that way…” I give an exaggerated wink. “Seriously though, this is huge. If all the guys are on the same page as you and you were given this opportunity…you’d be stupid not to jump at it if you ask me.”

  As soon as the words leave my mouth, he is on me, giving me a big bear hug. “Thank you, Lil.”

  “Welcome,” I say, but it comes out more like a question. “I think you just ruined your shirt though.”

  Sitting up, he looks at me confused. “Why?”

  “Because I got dressed, we ate and we talked. Now it’s time to get back to where we were. You are going to have to take this shirt off of me. If you rip it, you get bonus points,” I say, wiggling my eyebrows up and down. I’m on my knees now with my arms outstretched to the side. “Ravage me!” I yell, throwing my head back. He sits there laughing. I open one eye and lift my head a little so I can see him. “No?”

  “We don’t have to do anything. It really wasn’t my intention when I got the room.”

  “I know, but it worked out if you ask me,” I tell him, crawling over to him.

  “Lily, you are too perfect to just hump and dump. I can’t do that to you since I’m leaving soon.”

  His words stop me, and I feel the color drain from me as I sit back on my heels and look down, grabbing another french fry.

  “What just happened?” His brows are pinched together in confusion. “Did I say something wrong?”

  I close my eyes and take a breath. “I should tell you something.”

  “Okay…”

  Biting my bottom lip, I say under my breath, “I slept with Case.”

  “You what?! When?” he yells as he stands up and starts pacing.

  Mitch and Case aren’t friends. They both know of each other and that they are both in my life. But they don’t hang out or seem to like each other. Different friend circles and all that.

  “When we were together?” he asks as his pacing stops and he looks intensely at me, rubbing the back of his neck.

  I stand up with him and put my hands on his chest. “No. I’d never cheat on you. It was after we broke up.”

  “Um, Lily, we broke up a week ago. So, you sure as shit moved on fast then,” he spits out, pushing me away.

  I drop my head and sigh. “It wasn’t like that,” I say, but it comes out like a whisper.

  “Did he… like… force you?” he stammers, trying to get the words out. Mitch, my knight. So sweet, wanting to defend my virtue.

  “No.” I turn away from him and face the window, looking down at the street below.

  “What the hell, Lil?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Can you at least look at me and tell me how you got from his bed to wanting into mine in a week?” His words are harsh and hit me like a punch in the gut. A punch I deserve. I did this. I created my own nightmare, and now I have no idea how to wake up from it.

  I turn around slowly, but I can’t look up at his beautiful blue eyes and see what I put in them. I know that now, when I look in them, he’s not looking back with love and adoration, but with disgust.

  “It happened last night,” I finally say.

  “Fuck!” he yells and hits the wall, turning away from me. I feel my tears start to fall down my face as I slide down the wall behind me. When my butt hits the floor, I’m shaking as I start to sob in my hands. I feel his hand on my shoulder to comfort me. I shouldn’t though. I don’t deserve his kindness. “I’m sorry I yelled. But dammit, Lily.”

  “It was
n’t planned or anything. It just… happened.” I sniff, finally looking up at him. But what I see in his eyes is pity, not disgust. I don’t know which is worse. “I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”

  “If you slept with him, then why are you here with me?”

  “Because it didn’t mean anything.”

  “Obviously it meant something or you wouldn’t be crying.”

  I take another deep breath, feeling more tears fall down my face. “I thought it did, but he didn’t want me. He was with me, but wishing he was with someone else,” I confess.

  He pulls me into him and hugs me while kissing the top of my head. “I’m so sorry, Lily. But you can do so much better than a dick like that.”

  “I did once. But I think I just ruined my chances with him,” I sigh, holding on to his arm. I think if I let go, I’m going to drown. Right now, his arm is the only thing that is keeping me afloat in my pool of perverse inadequacy.

  “I’m sorry, Lily,” he says again, holding me a little tighter. With those three words, I know that I just sealed my own fate. I squeeze my eyes closed tighter and let the last of my tears fall, knowing that I just ruined the best thing that happened to me. I didn’t even know he was my perfect fit until it was too late.

  8

  Lily

  I die a little each day, all while you’re away

  Here I am alone, forever and for always

  I killed what could have been

  Before it even had a chance to begin

  I write the words in my journal. My truth. The only truth and hurt and pain that I feel since I left Mitch in that hotel room a few days ago. My opinion of myself is pretty low, and I know I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve much of anything after what I did to him.

  I’m pulled from my thoughts when I get a text from Lola.

  Lola: You ok?

  Me: Yeah

  Lola: I haven’t heard from you in a few days. How was the wedding? Weird with Mitch?

  Me: It was ok. Mitch was fine.

  Lola: Did he tell you about the deal?

  Me: Yeah

  Lola: Ok, I’m coming over, something’s up.

  Me: No, Lo. I’m fine. Just sad.

  Lola: Because they’re leaving? Me too.

  Me: Yeah. How was Nate?

  Lola: Amazing. But we paused since they’ll be gone for 6 months.

  Me: 6 months?!

  Lola: He didn’t tell you?

  Me: Not how long

  Lola: Sorry. You sure you’re ok?

  Me: No... I just need some time.

  Lola: If you need me, I’m here. K?

  Me: XO

  Lola: XO

  * * *

  It’s the day I’ve been dreading all week. It’s Sunday. Which means I’ll have to see Case. I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror before leaving, and now that I’m sitting here, I feel like I’m going to throw up. As I stand to go to the bathroom, our eyes lock on one another. I quickly look away and rush out. I hear him call my name as I pass him on my way out of the auditorium but keep walking. By the time I reach the bathroom, I can already taste the vomit getting ready to come up. I reach the toilet just in time to empty my entire stomach, along with my heart, soul, and dignity.

  I sit back on my heels and start to cry when I hear the door open. “Lily?” It’s Case.

  “You followed me into the ladies’ bathroom?” I ask flatly, still sitting on the cold floor.

  “Lily, please talk to me. It’s been killing me all week. I didn’t know what to do. Should I call you, text you, come to your house, leave you alone? I’m so sorry. Please believe me when I say that.” He sounds sincere, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. “Are you okay? You sick?”

  “Only when I think about you,” I deadpan, not giving him any slack.

  “Please come out and talk to me,” he pleads against the stall door.

  “You called me another girl’s name.”

  “I know. I’m a dick. Please come out so I can apologize to your face,” he pleads.

  I sigh and stand up, and when I push the door open, he’s standing right in front of me. He looks like he hasn’t slept. Good. I go to the sink, splashing water on my face and rinsing my mouth, never looking at him. Then I feel his hand on my back. It makes me stop and stand still. He hands me a paper towel to wipe my face. Once I throw it in the trash, I finally look up at him.

  “What do you want from me?” I ask with my arms out to my sides, then letting them fall. “You already took my virginity and then made me feel so used after.”

  “I know and I’m so sorry, but I want you, Lily. I want you to forgive me. I want you to be my friend again. I want to forget about this whole fucked-up situation.”

  “You just said fuck in church,” I say, pointing at him with a half-smile.

  He smirks at me. “Does that mean we’re okay?”

  “Not even close.” I shake my head. “But I’ll work on it.”

  He takes a step toward me and I take a step back at the same time. I need to keep distance between us. “Can I hug you?”

  “Seriously?”

  “Please?”

  I let out a big sigh as I tilt my head back. “Ugh! Fine.”

  His body hits mine, hard; he is hugging me so tight. “I thought I lost you,” he whispers in my ear. For some stupid reason, it makes me smile and soften as I put my arms around him to hug him back.

  When he releases me, his hands move up my arms until he’s holding the sides of my face with this look that could hold a million different meanings. I give him a smile and lean into his hand, closing my eyes.

  I feel his lips brush mine. The surprise makes my breath hitch, which makes my mouth open, which he takes as an invitation for his tongue, which I don’t stop. Why? Because I’m an idiot and return his kiss.

  We stand in the ladies’ bathroom, at church, making out, for I don’t know how long. I start laughing at the thought.

  “What’s so funny?” Case asks, returning my smile, our lips still touching.

  “You’re in the ladies’ bathroom. At church.”

  He straightens and grabs my hand and pulls me out into the hall. I’m trailing behind, still laughing at how stupid the whole thing is. We reach his car in the quiet parking lot, and I don’t know where this is going next. “I can’t leave. I came with my parents,” I say, looking back at the church door we just came out of.

  He looks at his phone and puts it back in his pocket. “We still have forty-three minutes ‘til service is over,” he says with a mischievous grin.

  “We can do a lot in forty-three minutes.”

  “Yes, we can.” He opens the back-seat car door for me to get in.

  “I am not making out with you in the back seat in the parking lot of church,” I say, putting my hand on my hip. “It was bad enough we just did that in the ladies’ bathroom.”

  He pushes the door closed and opens the front passenger door instead. “Fine. We’ll go somewhere.”

  “Where are we going to go and get back in time?”

  “Trust me.” I smile up at him, shaking my head because this has disaster written all over it. But I get in the car. He closes the door and runs to the other side and peels out of the parking lot.

  We drive a few minutes down the road in silence. He turns off the engine, turning to face me and asks, “Car or grass?” I look up and realize we’re at a park.

  “Car. It’s too cold outside.”

  “Let’s go,” he says, climbing over the center console of the car. He lies on his back across the seats. “Come on, we don’t have a lot of time.” He reaches for my hand to help me back and pulls me so I’m lying on top of him.

  I pull up my dress and straddle his lap. When I lean down to put a kiss on his lips, I feel him grab my ass with both hands. The intensity of it makes a moan slip from my mouth and into his. “Oh, how I missed you,” he says. I reach up to hold the armrest on the door to brace myself as I start rocking back and forth. Pedro is definitely happy to
see me.

  And I stupidly lose myself in him for the whole thirty-eight minutes until we have to leave to get back to church.

  * * *

  Me: I made out with Case… at church… and then did more at the park… in his car.

  Lola: YOU WHAT?!

  Me: SMH… I know.

  Lola: What were you thinking, Lily?

  Me: I wasn’t.

  Lola: I don’t even know what to say to you right now…

  Me: Sorry, Lo.

  Lola: Don’t apologize to me, just don’t be like that.

  Me: XO

  Lola: XO

  9

  Lily

  “How do you do that?” I ask with a tired smile after coming down from the best orgasm.

  “Do what?” Case asks with a cocky smile, looking up at me while drawing circles on my belly.

  “You have a way of making me make sounds I didn’t know I could.”

  It’s been two weeks since the church bathroom/park make-up/make out event. Case and I have been sucking face, and other things, almost every day. Lola is still mad at me for going back to Case after what happened before. She’ll eventually get over it. For now, this seems okay. I think I’m okay.

  “Don’t get cocky, Mr. It’s-Never-Gone-Off-That-Fast-Before,” I say in a mocking tone while playing with his dark hair.

  “Woman! I told you not to speak of that!” He hushes me, making me laugh.

  “My bad. But you didn’t seem to care how it happened so fast. Just saying.”

  “Ok, you got me there. Want to see if we can make a record?” he asks with excitement in his eyes.

  “I have to get home. I’ll be grounded if I’m late again,” I say begrudgingly, getting up to find my clothes.

  “How about I drive you and you can give me road head on the way,” he says, wagging his eyebrows.

  “I would, but I have my car here. I can’t leave it at your house,” I respond without thinking while looking for my bra.

  “You, Lily, are perfect,” he says while getting up and wrapping his arms around me. He’s so warm. I wish he could keep his arms around me at all times.