Sparrows

by Laura Mae

  The screw increasingly indented her finger. Her fingertips began to swell and bleed. Shreds of wood flew every which way. She wasn’t sure what time it was or how long she cried for, but she didn’t want to risk him catching her making the murder weapon. It had to be stealthy and quiet.

  Once she fashioned the stake for the doctor, she sat crossed legged on the rug in the middle of the room with the dagger placed strategically behind her. Her eyes stared bleakly ahead, red and veiny. [SD366]

  She was ready.

  She stayed in her ready position for a few more hours, and not one muscle moved. She knew as soon she let her guard down, he would show.

  Her head jolted toward the first sound she had heard in hours. It was distant but clear. [SD367][LM368][SD369]She gripped the stake tightly behind her while her other hand curled into a ball on her lap. She could hear her heart, but it sounded calm. Relaxed. Her gut told her it was her time. She didn’t care if she was killed after stabbing the doctor. She had one chance, and it had to be in the heart. Somewhere he couldn’t recover from.

  The footsteps clacked louder. It sounded like four or five sets of steps. He brought guards. It was nothing she wasn’t already expecting. Maybe even Natalia and Jones were with him to show off their winning prize. One pair of shoes was clearly louder than the others, and she knew it was those ugly reptile boots. As the time got closer, her heart sped up but not from fear. From excitement. [SD370][LM371]Adrenaline flowed through her so hard she found it hard to sit still.

  She stood up, smoothing out her clothes and letting her muscles get back to normal from sitting so long. She put the weapon in the waist of her pants and tucked her shirt over the back. It was sloppy, but standing as opposed to sitting when he arrived seemed much more practical.

  The first and second guard walked into her line of vision behind the plastic[SD372] prison. Her eyes darted to edge of all the white to see the doctor better. His boots clicked and clacked until he reached the door to her cell. [SD373]His delicate right hand leaned on a mahogany wood cane topped with a golden eagle head. She eyed the leg she buried her dagger deep within. It wasn’t enough to kill him, but it was enough to make him dependent. Maybe she could use it to her advantage. Their eyes instantly met. She felt her real eyes turn green with rage but knew they stayed blue. He couldn’t read her anymore.

  His head then turned sideways with confusion. His eyes narrowed, and he cleaned his glasses as he edged to the plastic surface.

  “Why are her eyes blue?” he asked the two guards through the wall. They shook their heads and shrugged like two clueless gorillas.

  Malik entered a code into the pad forcefully, and the red glow around the edges disappeared.

  This was it.

  Her right arm swung around behind her back to grip her weapon as he took a footstep inside her warzone. It seemed he had been so focused on her new eye color that he didn’t notice the broken chair and feathers thrown all over the room.

  Her heart tried breaking through her chest. It was now or never.

  She flung the wooden spike out and positioned it toward the doctor’s chest. Both hands gripped it as she used all her weight to push down and end everything. She used the yellow and purple silk pocket square of his suit as a target.

  And as if Malik was already one step ahead of her, he quickly turned to the side, grabbed something from his pocket and jammed it into her side as she fell to the concrete floor. A ravage jolt of electricity pulsed through her body, causing her to spasm uncontrollably on the floor. Her hands and body were no longer able to do anything but feel the shocks singeing her insides.

  After a minute, the pain slowly died away, but spats of it still made her jittery. The doctor bent over her and clicked his tongue, almost to say he was disappointed.

  “Miss Wilder. What a brilliant display of foolishness you just performed[SD374]. I must say, you look much different from our last meeting.” He cocked his head again as if she were on a laboratory table and examined her like a cut open frog[SD375]. “I wonder what your father would have to say about your behavior…”

  The statement felt so random, and she shook her head to try to understand it. She then followed his eyes and soon focused on something else to her side. Adjusting her head and blinking the jitters from her vision, she saw a white-haired man to her left with a guard holding him.

  Air escaped her lungs[SD376]. Her own father, Ian, stood only a few feet from her, imprisoned once again. Tears welled up in her eyes. She wanted to scream, fight, kill. But her entire body was drained of all energy; there was nothing left.

  The guards picked up her useless body, stole her weapon and put her back in her cell. Malik lingered in the doorway as he shook his head once more.

  “Next time you think of hurting me, Miss Wilder, try thinking of how that might affect someone else.” He grimaced and locked the door.

  As[SD377] she lay on the floor, all she could think of was the cabin in the woods full of life, friends and family. She’d give anything to be back in that chaos, back in the exact thing she thought she hated. Her dream came true; she was finally alone.

  The End of Book Two

  Acknowledgments

  I’ve dedicated this page to everyone who has supported me greatly and I feel they need to be mentioned.

  Sarah Jane Day

  Yvonne Lozano

  Heli Dundee

  Heather Blaire

  B. L. Moore

  Zhana Johnson

  Corry R. Heppler

  Jensen Reed

  Sam Hendrickson

  M.J. Slate

  More about the Author

  Laura Mae is a Tucson, Arizona resident and lives with her sister, who helps take care of her four pets. This is Laura’s second novel and already in process of writing the third. She’s been writing for as long as she can remember and feels most comfortable in front of a computer, letting her imagination run wild.

  If you are interested in following her, she is on Twitter and Instagram with the tag @lauramaeauthor.

  She also hosts interviews with other indie

  authors and writers on her website:

  lauramaeauthor.com

  Thank you for supporting indie authors!

  Don’t forget to review if you enjoyed this book!

  * * *

  [SD1]I think this could b

  e punchier by entirely removing a sense of place. Yes, I know “middle of nowhere” is vague by nature, but it still gives the reader a certain feel. By removing the “where”, you create more mystery.

  Example:

  Sydona found herself in complete darkness and silence.

  [SD2]This line is redundant of the next line.

  [SD3]I recommend an em-dash since the semicolon isn’t grammatically correct here.

  [LM4]Do you think this is a good enough mention, or should I do more? I don’t want to distract the reader too much.

  [SD5]Actually, I really like the way you handled it later on in the chapter. If you wanted to keep it vague here, the part where you have her recognize Jet and Lacey AFTER the test is very effective. I thought that was well done. ??

  [LM6]Oh goodie!

  [SD7]Again, I actually really like the way you handled their introduction later on in the chapter, and because of that, I ended up liking the way you originally had this.

  [LM8]Okay cool, changed it back!

  [SD9]I like that she thinks back to something Willow told her, but this still sounds a little clunky. Try:

  Sydona thought back to what Willow told her about where the NFA kept their laboratories. To keep citizens from stumbling onto them, they normally set up in basements where they could work in secret. She searched for stairs leading down.

  [SD10]Consider using a richer detail to paint the picture. What makes it look like an NFA camp?

  [SD11]What do you mean by cemented brick?

  [SD12]Interesting. I got the feeling that the parking garage wasn’t either. It seemed out of place in a ghost town.

&
nbsp; [SD13]I wonder if you could intensify this emotion somehow. Maybe something like:

  “…and she really felt like she belonged. She didn’t have to hide her true self from them.”

  [SD14]Semicolons can only join independent clauses (unless there’s already a conjunction). ??

  [LM15]I have no idea what that means, but okay! :D

  [SD16]lol Sorry. Grammar nerd here. Basically, semicolons can join a complete sentence with an incomplete sentence.

  [LM17]Haha! Good to know ??

  [LM18]Alright, what do you think of the changes here?

  [SD19]I like this a lot. In fact, I like it better than sneaking their names in earlier.

  [LM20]Awesome

  [SD21]This is a great little Willow speech. XD

  [LM22]Lol thanks! I thought so too haha!

  [SD23]The wording here doesn’t make sense in the context of this sentence. I would nix it or separate it out.

  [SD24]lol I’ve always enjoyed the banter between your characters.

  [LM25]Aw thanks! lol

  [SD26]Oo la la!

  [SD27]I would flip this. Also keep in mind that “hesitated” is not a dialogue tag and should not be connected to the dialogue with a comma.

  She hesitated. “I don’t know, Silas.”

  [SD28]In this first paragraph, I recommend creating a stronger sense of place and what’s going on. I kept imagining an airport in this scene, which didn’t feel right.

  [LM29]Okay, how’s this?

  [SD30]Now I’m really wondering where they are because of the cabin, haha. Are they still at Eagle Lake?

  [LM31]Yes, they are still there.

  [SD32]Did Syd fall on her butt?

  [LM33]Eh, when she’s running at the speed, and then falls back down, she’d probably roll a bit and stop in a sitting position.

  [SD34]Fair enough. She’s not a cat. lol

  [SD35]This sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense. Did you mean something like this?

  In the confusion, everyone’s voices blurred together.

  [SD36]I like the rhythm you have here.

  [LM37]:D

  [SD38]I don’t think you need a new paragraph here, but I could really go either way on this one.

  [SD39]Again, this paragraph break doesn’t seem necessary.

  [SD40]These details don’t add a lot to the scene and take the reader outside of Syd’s immediate perspective, which you typically stick to.

  [SD41]

  [SD42]lol She would.

  [SD43]He sounded like an anime character in my head. XD

  [LM44]Kinda what I was going for lol

  [SD45]Perfect. lol

  [SD46]Maybe I need my memory jogged, but what happened to her dagger?

  [LM47]She still has it but hasn’t really needed it lately.

  [SD48]True. XD

  [SD49]I seriously hate it when guys do this.

  [SD50]For flow. See what ya think.

  [LM51]Sounds good!

  [SD52]I thought this sounded strange. See suggested edit.

  [SD53]It’s seriously creepy how much this Silas reminds me of my Silas sometimes. lol

  [LM54]Lol xD

  [SD55]Classy thrift store find! Woot!

  [SD56]I think the dialogue in the next line conveys this emotion better.

  [SD57]For flow and clarity.

  [SD58]Try this out and see what you think. Should read a little more smoothly.

  [SD59]A few things in this paragraph.

  - In the first line, you write that she has several emotions spinning in her head. The strongest emotion in this paragraph is nostalgia, but let’s face it, shit got real back at the farm. With everything that’s happened, where’s the fear? Where’s the anxiety? Even anger?

  - I recommend nixing the last line as it is cliché, and you conveyed that sentiment in the previous line.

  - As far as clichés go, consider getting rid of those pesky stomach butterflies. ??

  [LM60]Okay, how’s this?

  [SD61]Much better. Much more believable.

  [SD62]You have fairy names down!

  [LM63];)

  [LM64]Is this better? I think she’s just sick of talking about it…

  [SD65]I could see that, and yes, this makes more sense.

  [SD66]Or something like that. There’s a lot of opportunity to be building tension with Raoul with just a few words here and there.

  [SD67]Oo! So later you write that the burnt wood is still warm, and I got to thinking.

  I wonder, would it still be crackling a little? Would she notice the smell of smoke? Burnt stuff carries a lot of sensory experience. Dig in, girl! Once she gets out of the car, there’s so much opportunity to set the scene in a way that resonates with the reader’s senses.

  [SD68]Since the car isn’t growing quiet at the sight (the car doesn’t feel anything), I suggest:

  Everything grew quiet as Sydona turned off the car, except for Lilly’s sniffling.

  [SD69]Maybe at least a sad smile?

  [LM70]Maybe a half smile?

  [SD71]Yes!

  [SD72]This is an awkward movement. Why not just have her head tilt back? Bringing the focus to the neck creates a grotesque image.

  [SD73]Reminder: play with those senses!

  [LM74]How about this?

  [SD75]Yes! I like it!

  [SD76]Eh? I wasn’t 100% sure, but it seemed like the word “wood” was missing. Or “embers”?

  [SD77]It would make more sense to use “birdsong” to juxtapose the singing in the previous line.

  [SD78]Nix this to avoid redundancy in the upcoming paragraph.

  [SD79]If the reader doesn’t know this by now, there’s something wrong with the reader. lol

  [SD80]If this is really her line of thinking, it would make sense for her to follow him. It would make more sense for her to follow him out of concern for her friend.

  Syd seems pretty cold in this chapter. Definitely look for places to amp up some emotion.

  [SD81]I LOVE this description. I wonder if you could find a synonym for “puffing”, though.

  [LM82]Does this work?

  [SD83]Yeah! =)

  [SD84]Or something like that. The balance in this sentence was off.

  [SD85]An ellipses makes more sense here.

  [SD86]Careful. You’re using ellipses a lot.

  [SD87]Consider combining these paragraphs.

  [SD88]Oops! My typo. XD Sorry.

  [LM89]How about this?

  [SD90]That works!

  [SD91]It’s not necessary to explain this to the reader. It actually takes away from the magical and peaceful feeling of the scene. ??

  [SD92]You’ve been capitalizing “shaman”. Do you want to here?

  [LM93]Yes! Thanks lol

  [SD94]Is there a word or two missing here?

  [LM95]No, it’s just the way she talks. Instead of saying “You’re about 500 of us”

  [SD96]Cool, cool.

  [SD97]The period should be outside of the quotation marks since it isn’t direct speech.

  [LM98]Good to know!

  [SD99]The best feeling!

  [SD100]I don’t hate on adverbs as much as some editors, but try not to use more than one in a sentence. Decide between “anxiously” and “quickly” here.

  [LM101]I get it though 

  [SD102]I don’t hate similes, but you compare things to the animal world a lot. lol Gotta cut a few for balance.

  [SD103]Little detail here. Do you prefer “leapt” or “leaped”? Choose your preferred past tense version of “leap” and stick with it for consistency. I’ve seen both in your manuscript now. Run a quick search in your document to update all uses to what you want. =)

  [LM104]I think leapt sounds better

  [SD105]Me too!

  [SD106]Cute!

  [SD107]This made it sound like she landed a second time. Cutting the first bit makes this snappier as well.

  [SD108]Or something like that.

  [LM109]Is this to emo? lol

  [SD110]Just the
last line. XD I liked the rest of it, though.