Sparrows
Page 23
[SD111]This really didn’t add much to the sentence or the paragraph.
[SD112]This detail isn’t necessary.
[SD113]Damn early people. Always fussin’.
[LM114]xD
[SD115]I feel for her. So much.
[SD116]Considering it’s Willow, I think you ought to be more emphatic and throw in a “finally”. ??
[SD117]This introduction, at least for the reader, is abrupt. I wonder if you could have Willow mention who they’re picking up earlier? Then, you could have Sydona recall meeting them before.
I would also withhold Devon’s name until there are introductions. It would be more consistent with your style.
[LM118]Noted, thank you.
[SD119]For clarity.
[SD120]You draw attention to his eye color in a much more artful way on the next page.
[SD121]Okay. I would seriously mention Lacey’s name in the first chapter based on this. It would create a lot more continuity.
[LM122]Okay, thank you.
[SD123]Ahhhhh, a Walkman! lol
[LM124]LOL Right?
[125]Did the speaker change here?
[126]I’m confused here. If it’s rural, there wouldn’t be big buildings. Perhaps lose the word “rural” in this case?
[LM127]Good point.
[128]First thing that came to mind was incest. I seem to recall some flirting during the VP in book one?
[LM129]LOL Sarah! I guess this isn’t entirely true. There were several different families in the same tree. They were essentially a tribe.
[SD130]Sorry. lol
[131]This sounds too vague. Are they friends? Or just fellow Sparrows?
[LM132]More members of the Sparrows.
[133]That guilt seems to have her over-explaining. And lying. Sheesh, Syd.
[134]Avani’s accent seems to come and go. Review her dialogue carefully to improve consistency.
[135]00000000000000000000000
[136]Consider Italics to emphasize.
[LM137]What do you think of this? They did mention the mission, in Chicago. lol
[SD138]Sounds good! Aside from the semicolon usage. lol
For real though, I only know ONE writer who uses semicolons correctly. Ya punks.
[139]You do a much better job of showing where everyone sleeps in the upcoming lines.
[LM140]Okay, how’s this?
[141]Aw, come on. Tattoos kind of feel nice. lol
[142]This line is a more effective way of showing where a character is in the scene vs. telling.
[LM143]Okay, cool. I changed the first paragraph a bit.
[LM144]Is this alright?
[SD145]I got a little confused because it sounds like he’s sitting next to Syd instead of Willow. I think you’d be fine to keep this simple:
She heard a slight chuckle from Jet who had been staring out the window.
It really isn’t necessary to place every single character in an exact place within the car.
[LM146]Yeah, it’s like I can picture where they are in the car and just want to convey it to the readers. But I know what you mean. It doesn’t really add to it. ??
[LM147]Okay, tell me what you think of this backstory then. (Is it too long??)
[SD148]I like this more. Well done! It makes a lot more sense and flows better.
[LM149]Would you know what this hat was before looking it up?
[SD150]Haha, no. But that’s not a bad thing.
[SD151]Like a “slight wave”?
[LM152]I wanted to put a fish bump or something but didn’t know if that would fit into this 60’s era. But its more than a wave.
[SD153]Or something a little more colorful. ??
[SD154]Syd doesn’t have to know this but…
Actually… it is natural! lol Technically. It can get cut with other stuff, but pure cocaine comes from coca leaves.
Did you know that Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it? XD
The history of cocaine is actually super interesting and weird. Enjoy! https://riveroakstreatment.com/cocaine-treatment/illegal-history-in-america/
[LM155]I knew they had it in coca cola! That was about it!
[LM156]Hows this?
[SD157]Whoa. I missed this. What the heck? =/
Anyway, it’s good. A couple minor things for better syntax.
[158]I’m surprised this doesn’t trigger suspicion.
[LM159]Is this better?
[SD160]I’m wondering if it makes more sense to put a comma after “If you can”? There are a couple ways to punctuate this line, haha. These would also work, but it slightly changes the meaning. Check it out:
If you can, hang out back there. Just in case.
If you can, hang out back there just in case.
[SD161]It would feel smoother if you just described the room briefly.
[SD162]Is it hot down there?
[LM163]Lol Sarcasm? :P
[SD164]We already know it’s an old speakeasy. Stick to the details to create the feel. ?? See my next comment.
[SD165]Since it can be said in one word… =)
[SD166]You don’t have to explain. It’s chaos!
[SD167]If she’s grabbing him with force, I don’t imagine this would be gentle. Girl should be pissed.
Again, she’s harder on her closest friends. No reason to be gentle here.
[SD168]This use of “wide open” is incorrect. I suggested “huge”, but there are plenty of synonyms out there.
[SD169]I feel like there should be a sentence before this line for flow?
[LM170]I’m going to channel the person I am influenced by for Avani. She would say heck lol
[SD171]Nice! XD
[SD172]There needs to be some kind of punctuation with all these no’s.
[SD173]Wait, who’s speaking here?
[SD174]These two things contradict.
[SD175]What about how cold she’s been to Silas? *cough cough*
[SD176]I thought they were in a wood cabin?
[SD177]Is this song-ception or am I missing something here?
[LM178]I wanted to name the song in the book, but I thought that it could get into legal stuff. It’s supposed to be the Bohemian Rhapsody. Does it make a little more sense now or should I just cut it?
[SD179]Titles can’t be copyrighted like lyrics, so you should be okay to mention it.
On rare occasions, titles can be trademarked. I believe Rowling has the Harry Potter titles trademarked. But trademarks aren’t the same as copyrighted material.
Basically, unless you rename the book Bohemian Rhapsody, you’re fine.
This is a good guide on the matter:
https://www.janefriedman.com/permissions-and-fair-use/
[LM180]Alrighty, I added it!
[SD181]This is vague to the point of being a useless detail.
[LM182]How about this?
[SD183]That makes more sense.
[LM184]How about this?
[SD185]Just a thought I had:
I find it unlikely that Malik would be so open about the NFA’s real intentions and what happened at Eagle Lake.
What if instead of getting people worked up over Eagle Lake, they used the explosion at the speakeasy as a way to frame the Sparrows as terrorists? He could pin it on Sydona specifically as well.
[LM186]Reminding myself to come back to this.
[SD187]More like gravity is coming back for round two in Syd’s case. =P
[SD188]One thing catching her attention and being noticed sounds redundant. ??
[SD189]The ceiling fan appearing has the same sentiment.
[SD190]The first time I read this dream, I thought it was real. Well done!
[LM191]
[LM192]Thank you!! ??
[SD193]Did Sydona change her? This doesn’t make sense.
I would understand if Sydona blamed herself for Gia’s mood, but I don’t think she entirely changed.
[LM194]How’s this?
[SD195]Makes a lot more sense! =)
[SD196]If she�
�s silent, you probably shouldn’t follow this line up with immediate dialogue.
[SD197]FINALLY! REVENGE!
[LM198]xDDD
[SD199]It might just be me, but I can’t stand “that” and “though” next to each other. I recommend cutting “though” for that reason.
[SD200]Incomplete sentence here. Possible edit:
Either way, she had to leave the cabin.
[SD201]Otherwise, it sounds like she’s folding it while she’s putting it in an envelope and addressing it.
[SD202]Cleaning up incomplete sentences here.
[SD203]A better verb here might be “forced”. lol
[SD204]Quick pause to say: I like that you brought Harold back into all this.
[LM205]Oh good! After the changed I made in Fliers, I really didn’t want it to be the end of him. ??
[SD206]Haha, this scene cracks me up every time.
[SD207]It’s not clear who has the smug smile here. If it’s Syd, tweak to: “Sydona who had a smug smile on her face”.
[SD208]Try:
“But you’re Willow the Widowed, not Willow--newly single,” Giovonna joked but sounded strangely serious.
[SD209]Consider breaking this up into 2-3 paragraphs. It’s a wall of text, which will make it easier for your reader to tune out or skim.
[SD210]Much better.
[SD211]This gets confusing. Is Willow answering her own question?
[LM212]Whoops!
[SD213]Hehe, looks good.
[SD214]I would just use “they” or “everyone”.
[SD215]While these ARE incomplete sentences, if you establish a good rhythm with the word “how”, it would appear as more of a stylistic choice.
I would also consider altering the structure a little here and making each “how” its own phrase.
How she never meant to heart him. How she just wanted to protect him and spare him the stress of knowing the man who tortured him was alive. How she didn’t know who she would be without him.
[SD216]We already know the hallway is overgrown. ??
[SD217]Really? They’re living in a tiny cabin. Part of this logic doesn’t make sense.
Perhaps just stick with the fact that she wouldn’t force the fairies to go anywhere else.
[LM218]Is this better?
[SD219]Yep!
[SD220]It’s okay not to place everyone.
[SD221]It sounds like she’s taking about them coming to look for Raoul. Maybe the better question is: why didn’t they come along on missions?
[SD222]I think this is an important moment for Syd.
[LM223]??
[SD224]I feel like the talk about watching another fairy get tortured was pretty serious. Not sure this statement holds up.
[LM225]Okay, I just cut it.
[SD226]This is unnecessary.
[SD227]Or a semicolon.
[LM228]Okay, I added more to this part of Jubilee.
[SD229]lol It’s what Silases are for.
[LM230]??
[SD231]Dude, that really is a weird feeling.
[LM232]Omg right??
[SD233]This would make more sense as a paragraph on its own with the detail and dialogue.
[SD234]It’s confusing to say she sat there to talk and the immediately follow with she waited to talk. I also recommend combining these paragraphs.
[SD235]I don’t know if you could slip it in, but I find it easy to imagine a character who slips into their first language when they’re angry.
[LM236]Okay, what about this??
[SD237]This is redundant of the upcoming line about her changing her thoughts on Devon’s attitude.
[SD238]Okay. Here’s the thing. She’s been nervous and stumbling over her words in every other interaction with him. I would lose the part about knowing how to hold her composure. She really hasn’t been that chill.
[LM239]
[LM240]Okay, I just cut that part out
[SD241]lol What? She’s calls that lightening the subject. Oh dear.
[LM242]Lol Fair enough. I changed it… to changed. lol
[SD243]I’m not clear on whether he’s talking about making Alejandro suffer for a long time or if he’s talking about how long the fliers suffered. It might be worth revisiting this little line. ??
[LM244]Yes, fliers in general.
[SD245]For symmetry!
[SD246]This is redundant of the next line.
[SD247]That or you’re jumping out of Syd’s perspective?
[SD248]Couldn’t what? This sentence sort of ends abruptly. It feels like it’s missing something.
[LM249]She couldn’t smile. Maybe I should restructure the sentence?
[SD250]Oh! Derp. That feels obvious now.
I wouldn’t sweat it. I was probably in some editor vortex.
[LM251]Haha! No worries!
[SD252]Her voice already rang out. This sounded redundant.
[SD253]Is this Syd speaking?
[SD254]Being from the South, I have too much fun imagining Willow’s and Harold’s accents. lol
[LM255]Lol sameish. I’ve actually adored southern accents. Lol
[SD256]It would sound smoother to use a stronger verb like “sang”.
[LM257]Does this work?
[SD258]Yes!
[SD259]I feel like at this point, it should be more of a question or maybe. Like: Was it the police? Or was it someone searching for her?
[LM260]How about this?
[SD261]I like it!
[SD262]I thought she was already packed up?
[LM263]She packed up the bracelets and all her gadgets. Stuff she didn’t need before.
[SD264]Oh! That makes sense.
[SD265]I think this is what you meant here?
[LM266]Yes!
[SD267]This isn’t really necessary.
[SD268]Much much MUCH better than how this scene played out in the first daft I read. Well done!
[LM269]Great!
[SD270]Incomplete sentence. Needs a subject and verb.
[LM271]This good?
[SD272]Yep!
[SD273]The second line here is way better and gets the point across.
[SD274]What the heck, Lacey. This is so irresponsible.
[LM275]She doesn’t want to leave him behind though. Like a mama bear – is what I was going for. haha
[SD276]lol I mean… it’s not like there’s anywhere they could just leave him.
[SD277]Seriously. It’s been a while since we’ve been worried about Jubilee. It’s weird to bring her up now. This needed to be said a long time ago.
[LM278]It was just the other day. Raoul mentioned her at the house.
[SD279]Is there a part where Sydona promises Raoul that they’ll get Jubilee back or something like that?
[LM280]Okay, I added her more on page 153 I think? To cement this more.
[SD281]Something like this would create a smoother transition.
[LM282]Sounds good!
[SD283]I feel like you should qualify this: “an argument about flying” instead of just an argument.
[SD284]And yet he can come along on an extremely dangerous mission? Lacey seems derpy sometimes.
[SD285]Lol THANK YOU AVANI. <3
[SD286]But the raindrops were just hitting pavement…
[SD287]Not sure what happened, but it looks like “Some even had helmets.” is repeated. lol
[LM288]How about this?
[SD289]That makes more sense!
[SD290]Hm. Again, it would make sense to blame the inexperienced.
[LM291]This works?