Breathe Me

by Alexia Purdy

  I nodded, still skeptical, as he played with my hair, his eyes turning dreamy as he took in my features. His tenderness felt relaxing, like a soothing balm on a sunburn.

  “Give it time. I’m sure it’s coming.”

  I wasn’t so convinced, but I didn’t argue.

  “Look, I’m sorry about the other day.”

  So he brought it up before I had to. I blew out a breath, relieved that he had. “I know.”

  “Joss really loves you. She only wanted you to be happy, as do I.”

  I nodded, not really knowing what to say because I could still feel the sting of their scheming. I understood why they’d done it, but I couldn’t help feeling betrayed. “It’s just… maybe including me in this would’ve been nice,” I said. “Why hide it from me?”

  Sasha was massaging my hands, each finger slowly being kneaded between his. It felt amazing, and I fought the distraction of it stay keep focused, gritting my teeth and looking away.

  “I know. I wanted to tell you. I’m not blaming Joss at all. We had discussed it extensively, and we both felt that if you didn’t know about it, you’d be more open to forgive me and maybe, just maybe, we could recapture what we had before I screwed it all up.”

  “I hated you.”

  The pain in his face stung, but it also brought a small satisfaction to me. I had wanted to hurt him, hadn’t I? To make him feel what I’d felt so long ago, when he’d shattered our love without remorse, without any valid reason. It was bittersweet.

  “I know.”

  “Wouldn’t you have a hard time loving someone again who’d torn your heart to shreds and stomped on it like squishing a bug? You want me to let it go and just say yes. Joss wants me to also. Hell, how can I fight you both? How can I let you know that what you did was unacceptable, back then and now? Don’t you realize how messed up it left me? You say you’re sorry, but how sorry are you? I know I love you, but I just don’t know how to forgive you.”

  He watched me fuming, nothing but calm emanating from him. How he could take such an assault and not cave made me throw some points his way. I felt terrible almost immediately. Why did it feel worse than I thought it would have? Wasn’t it supposed to make me feel better?

  “You know I regret it,” he said, “and that I’ve owned up to my mistake. Believe it or not, I felt just as much pain as you did. I’m not saying feel sorry for me, I just want to let you see that I paid for what I did, and I’ll continue to try to make it up to you.” He paused, pulling out the chair beside me and hoisting himself into it. He looked suddenly exhausted again, and the circles under his eyes were stark compared to other times I’d seen him.

  “I’ve never told anyone this, because I don’t have anyone anymore, Piper. But I want you to know what’s been going on with me since I messed it up between us. You don’t have to forgive me, just listen.”

  I didn’t move from my spot, but I did nod so he could continue.

  “I didn’t want you to have to give up your perfectly planned life to follow me back to Moldova. I had to go back; my visa was expiring. So, like an idiot, I shoved you away so that you wouldn’t come looking for me, and I could leave knowing you had moved on. Well, I hadn’t planned to have a one night stand with Cam’s mother right after we broke up. I was trying to erase you from my memory, but I just buried myself even more. She got pregnant, a total shock for me. I didn’t love her, though for Cam’s sake, I tried. I’m not perfect.

  “I wish I had known that I’d be able to return here faster than I had initially thought, but by then, I’d already fucked it all up between us. I’m not this devil that you perceive me as. I messed up when I hurt you, you know that. I made a sorry excuse to run from the only person that made me feel like it was okay to be me. But I ran into more mistakes, no matter what I did. I had to take responsibility for my actions, and it had to start with Cam. I don’t know if you’ve ever made such mistakes, but I think about them every day. Every day. Wasn’t that long enough to pay for what I’ve done? Wasn’t leaving me with a little kid who I didn’t even know what to do with enough? I love him, and I love you, but I still pay every second of the day for my stupid decisions. I just wanted you to know that no matter what, I’m here now. I’m here now, and I don’t plan on walking away ever again. I’m here if you want me.”

  I was floored, my mouth hanging open like I was catching flies. I had never expected him to say anything like that, and there was no way for me to recover from it. Clamping my mouth shut seemed like the best idea at the moment, so I did, licking my now parched lips as my heart fluttered inside.

  “Piper, I hoped and prayed that one day you could look at me and not think of how I left you. I really do. I dreamt of telling you these things for so long in the hope that you’d take me back. Even so, you know what the worst part is?”

  I shook my head, still stunned. Why did he have to slice himself open and hand me his heart on a platter, bleeding and still pumping furiously? Had I asked for that? Had I been so wrong about him for too long? Something told me that I had, and it made me want to run away before the knot in my stomach burst.

  “The worst part of it all is that I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to you afterward, or to Cameron, to his mother. I’ll never let myself forget any it.”

  The moments ticked by, and his head was in his hands. He looked helpless, destroyed. So why did I suddenly feel so guilty? Why was Joss screaming in my head to scoot over and slip my arms around him, take care of him this time around? She was right, I had failed myself by not forgiving Sasha as fast as I should’ve. Had he not proven to me already that he wasn’t the same man, no longer the insecure college frat boy whom I’d once known? Hadn’t our lives become entangled enough by this point?

  We had, and here I was, still hesitating. Get up Piper. Get up and hold onto him.

  The distance between us felt so far, yet I found myself inching closer, until our legs bumped and my arms made their way around him. His scent made my heart hammer in my chest, as if in anticipation of the euphoria awaited it, and all it could do was beat. Sometimes standing still was the best thing to do. Sometimes the loneliness we create inside ourselves becomes our own self-imposed prison that we alone must break out of. We must take down our own walls, brick by hardened brick, just to let ourselves back out and allow us to breathe once more. It was as easy as reaching out and touching the person I loved. It was as easy as saying it was going to be alright.

  “Sasha?”

  He craned his head to the side as he sat up a little, letting me melt into our embrace. His arms made their way around my body as though they’d been forged to be there, always and forever.

  “I love you,” I said. “That’s all I need right now. You’ve made me happier than anyone else ever could. Thank you. Thanks for never giving up.” I met his glistening blue eyes as they studied mine. To watch the little spark which lit them up whenever he was content or laughing, slowly flicker its way back into them was to witness the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Just like that, it wasn’t so hopeless, I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

  “I love you back.” He pulled me closer, hugging me strongly enough to make it feel as though we were one person.

  “Clean slate?”

  He nodded. That mesmerizing smile returned in full force. “Brand spankin’ new. I know I don’t deserve it, but I will do everything in my power to make up for it, Piper.”

  Why did he have to be so humble? It was impossible to hate him in any way, and as I peered into his gleaming blue eyes, I knew it was something I’d never be able to understand. How easy it had been to curse him when he wasn’t in my life. But the days of nursing my broken heart and building up the steel walls around me were long gone. I was certain that if it’d been me who had run into him at his coffee shop first instead of Joss, things wouldn’t be like they were now. It would’ve probably taken me one glance at him to turn around and run out of there as fast as my little feet could carry me, never to see him again.

>   I decided that the fates were definitely having fun with me. I sighed, feeling weary from the weeklong fog I’d cocooned myself in and ready for sunnier days. For goodness sake, I thought, look at him! Cooking for me, begging on his knees, an awesome father, and damn good looking. I realized I was completely gone. But I thought I could deal with that.

  Chapter Twenty

  Piper

  “JOSS?” I PULLED open the door, wrapping my robe around me tighter. No one ever visited me so late at night. Only Sasha, maybe, but he was in the bedroom at the moment. Who else but Joss would be knocking on my door so early in the morning? But why hadn’t she used her key? Maybe she’d lost it.

  I flattened my hair, which was in a matted mess from the night before. Sasha had been spending almost every waking hour he had with me. Even Cam had taken up residence at my place for part of the week.

  But it wasn’t Joss standing with Leah outside my door that day. The poor girl looked spooked, her red eyes swollen from crying. I’d let her rush into my arms, wrapping hers around me so tightly and feeling her silent sobs explode as she soaked my shirt. The man with her turned out to be a police officer, his badge shiny and stark against his khaki shirt. His Metro badge was sewn securely to his shoulder, and his shirt was bulky, like he wore heavy Kevlar underneath it. He waited patiently as Leah’s little frame shook from crying, and I processed the scene before me. I was nothing but shocked. Where was Joss?

  “Miss Sandervale?”

  “Yes, that’s me.” I answered, bewildered by why Leah was here without her mother. A growing dread spread through me, hoping to choke the breath in my chest before he said what he was going to say. I suddenly feared it and didn’t want to know what was going on anymore. Don’t speak… don’t say it, I silently pleaded with my eyes.

  “I’m really sorry to be the one bringing you this news, but… Leah’s mother, Ms. Wetherson, was killed in a car accident tonight. The babysitter told me that you’re listed as the emergency contact and also named as the girl’s guardian if anything were to happen to Ms. Wetherson.”

  I didn’t hear much of what he said after the car accident part. My heart had arrested at his words. “Wh… what did you say?” My voice sounded far away, and my knees felt weak and unsteady. If not for Leah’s whimpers bringing me back to myself, I was sure I would’ve blacked out.

  Breathe, Piper. Just breathe….

  “Ms. Wetherson had paperwork drawn up to bring Leah to you if something ever went wrong.”

  “No, Joss….” My voice quivered and I shook my head. “Are you sure? There has to be some mistake.” Maybe sitting down would be a good idea, I thought. I stepped back, Leah still fused to me.

  “What’s going on, Piper?” I heard Sasha come up beside me, observing Leah in my arms and the officer patiently waiting at the door.

  “Hello, I’m Officer Golding. You are?”

  “I’m Sasha Koval. How can we help you, Officer?”

  “I was just letting Piper know that her friend Joss has appointed her as guardian for her daughter. Ms. Joss has passed away in a car accident tonight.”

  Sasha nodded and slipped his arm around my shoulders, gripping it tightly. He must’ve seen my distress, because all I remembered next was him maneuvering me toward the couch, with Leah in tow.

  “Can you tell us what happened?”

  “Yes. A drunk driver hit her car as she crossed Tropicana Avenue past Maryland. Some college kid who’d had a few too many at a fraternity party, apparently. Unfortunately, he hit her on the driver’s side head on. There was nothing they could do.” The officer shifted on his feet, eyeing Leah as he spoke. He must’ve hated giving out bad news. His job had to be hard to bear sometimes, and I didn’t envy him one bit.

  “Thank you, Officer. What can we do to help Leah?” Sasha’s voice sounded so certain, so steady, it made me wonder if I’d ever be so sturdy, and what I would’ve done without him.

  “Well, all the paperwork is in order. Her mother had custody set up to go to Piper. If you’re unable to take Leah, we’ll have to set up foster care, so please let me know as soon as you can what you decide.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card.

  This made me snap out of my delirium, and anger shot through me as I shook my head. “No. No, she’s not going to foster care. Absolutely not.” Leah gripped me more tightly, making me suck in a deeper breathe to keep from passing out.

  Officer Golding gave me a curt nod. “Well, that’s good. Here’s my card, and I have the keys to Ms. Wetherson’s residence. You may want to retrieve whatever Leah wants to keep from there. Ms. Wetherson’s instructions were for you to keep the house and everything in it as you see fit until Leah is of age for her to reside in it without you. You can also sell it and put the money in a trust for Leah. When she turns eighteen, she can access it.” He reached into his pocket again. “This is the card of the lawyer she had it all set up through. I suggest calling him in the morning to make arrangements.” Sasha took the keys and card, thanking the officer. I couldn’t even speak anymore, my mouth was as dry as the desert. I barely heard the door click shut after Sasha took the bag the officer handed to him with Leah’s overnight things and placed it on the couch next to her.

  How could this have happened? Joss… gone? It wasn’t something I could even fathom, not even with a sobbing Leah next to me. I let my fingers stroke her long brown hair, offering small, comforting words. I hated the pain she was in, and I had no idea how to comfort her. What could I do? What could I even say that would make it any easier? There was nothing, nothing I could do but let her cry it out into my shirt until the tears dried up and her poor little weary soul passed out from grief.

  Sasha offered a glass of water to the girl, a gesture I found heartwarming, especially when he then offered me one, too. I didn’t know if he and Joss had spoken much outside of setting me up with him. Though she’d been my best friend in college, they had never interacted much back then. There was the time she’d had words with him after our breakup, yelling at him across the college campus about what a man slut he’d been when he’d kissed that other girl and left me hanging.

  The thought helped me collect myself even more. Joss had been such a strong soul. Leah would need someone like that in her life now.

  “Leah?” I whispered softly to her. Her disposition was much calmer as her large brown eyes, reddened from the crying, peered up at me. An engulfing sadness spilled from them, ripping my heart out. “How about I make up the bed in the guest room for you? It’s quite comfy. Remember when you’d sleep there when I’d babysit you sometimes?” She nodded sadly. “Just think of it as a sleepover, okay? Eat all the goodies you want and watch all the TV you can handle. Sound good?”

  “Can I use my iPad, too?” She sniffled and pointed toward the overnight bag. I nodded, giving her the most comforting smile I could manage.

  “Of course! Anything you want.” I winked at her and she gave me a weak grin. Sipping on her water, she waited for me to move first.

  Offering out my hand to help her up, she took it and got to her feet. Scooping up her bag, I followed Sasha to the guest room and allowed him to pull the covers back. Leah placed her glass of water on the nightstand, slipping onto the soft sheets as she pulled her bag closer to unzip it. She pulled out a framed picture. Joss’s brilliant smile, much like Leah’s, made my heart wrench. All three of us were in it, and I was making a silly face on the other side of Leah. It was the Three Musketeers, as we had called ourselves. She kissed her mother and placed the frame on the nightstand, close to the bed.

  “Let me know if you need anything, okay?” I said. I know she’d want to change into her nightgown before turning out the light, so I signaled Sasha to head out. He took the hint and left, but I waited for her answer.

  “Thanks, Auntie.”

  Kissing the top of her head as she leaned in for another hug, I enjoyed the calm of the moment. She smelled of strawberries and whipped cream, like her favorite shampoo. She was the clo
sest thing to a daughter I’d ever had, but this wasn’t the way it was ever supposed to be. Not like this. It was the Three Musketeers, not two.

  She eventually straightened and began pulling out her night clothes. I told her goodnight, and she whispered the same back to me. Closing the door softly behind me, I stood there, staring down my darkened hallway, feeling empty and sullen. How could this have happened? Why her? The mix of fear, anger and grief hit me all at once, making my chest seize. I couldn’t breathe. Oh God, Joss… why, why, why…?

  I gripped my stomach as I ran toward the hall bathroom and barely made it to the toilet, lurching out whatever was left in my stomach from dinner. I don’t know how long I was there, but Sasha flicked the light on and helped me up, letting me brush my teeth before taking me to the bed. I hadn’t even realized where I was until he slipped in next to me, spooning close as he reached over to turn off the lamp.

  In the silence of the night, I felt the heat of his body engulfing mine, bringing some thaw to the iciness of my soul. He softly ran his fingers through the tangled mess of my hair and kissed the back of my head. Saying nothing, he understood what I needed right then like no one I’d ever known. What would I have done without him? Letting him steady me, I fell asleep, comforted that maybe it would be alright. It had to be, somehow. There was no choice in that matter. The shadows always faded with the daylight, and the fears that plagued my mind would hopefully go away with them. Time took care of things like that. Maybe it would play in my favor this time.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Piper

  THE FUNERAL WAS a blur. I hardly remembered standing there, gripping Leah’s tiny body, which was tightly wrapped around mine. The minister’s serene ceremony was short but beautiful. They had even played her favorite piece of classical music, Bach’s Violin Concerto in G Minor. For a lively woman, I’d never pegged her for a classical music lover, but it had been one thing her husband had loved before he died. It’d been calming for him in the many days he’d spent ill in bed, with multiple sclerosis. Will’s last years confined to a wheelchair had been so hard on Joss and Leah. It’d been the worst of times for her, but she’d been nothing short of a loving, patient and caring wife.