Breathe Me

by Alexia Purdy

  Maybe the music reminded her of him, of the good times they’d had. Listening to the soft melody, I felt my tears staining my cheeks. Never would I hear her laughing or chastising me again. Never would she bolt into my apartment unannounced to tell me about the silliest things which had happened to her. No more retail therapy sessions or junk food pig-outs on her living room floor. I was lost without her, yet trying to still keep grounded for Leah, whose face was buried in my side. She refused to let go of me and ignored everyone who came up to us to give their condolences. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could and dreaded the wake being held at her house. I’d spent the night before scrubbing, packing and setting up her meager home in preparation of the wake. My apartment was too small, and I had refused Sasha’s offer to hold it at his massive home. It was just so impersonal. I needed to have her around me still, even if it was just her home and things.

  Going through her belongings was something I had to do anyway, and being amongst them comforted me. I didn’t want to forget her voice or the way she smelled. She was my cousin, but we’d grown up together, best friends from diapers. How had this all gone so wrong? How could she have been ripped from me so suddenly, in this manner? It felt like I’d lost a limb. No, more. I felt like I’d lost part of my soul. It was losing a sister all over again and another person dead, another family member to bury. Maybe I was bad luck, everyone around me died.

  This was devastating, and I felt like I was suffocating. The air was filled up with the words of friends, coworkers and people I’d never met who kept bombarding me, wanting to give their condolences. My Aunt Hazel, Joss’s mother, had passed away years before, and her father had left them when she was but a baby. She had no one. No one but me and Leah, who had finally broken away from me and settled with Cam on one side of her and one of her friends, whose name was Melody, or something like that, on the other side. Melissa, Melina, Mel…. I couldn’t remember. My mind was a jostled bunch of scrabble pieces, making no sense and numb.

  Sasha was doing an excellent job of wrangling in the crowd, offering refreshments and taking the slew of cards from people, which were probably stuffed with money or gift cards for Leah. I hated that we had to go through this circus-like tradition. I wanted to yell at everyone to go home and leave us alone. Joss is gone, so get on with your lives. It was cold, I know, but their presence was stifling.

  I’d abruptly stood up, ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. It was quieter in there, but it did nothing to ease the stabbing throb in my chest, the one that kept repeating with its drumming pain, Joss is dead… Joss is dead.

  Slipping to the floor, I cried and cried. My make-up all but smeared away, and I was sure my eyeballs would be swollen shut for days. I wanted to yell at Joss for leaving us so soon, for being so selfish and making us have to go through this crap. How dare she die? How dare she leave her young daughter alone in the world to wonder what it would’ve been like to have her mother there at her sweet sixteen, at prom, at college graduation? What would I tell her when she asked me why this had happened to her? What would I say?

  Not only that, but what if she hated me as her guardian? What if I did a shitty job? I’d never had children of my own, but I had babysat her many times. But that was so vastly different from being an actual parent. I wasn’t prepared for this. In one twisted moment, I had acquired an instant family.

  What felt like hours later, I emerged, my face wiped clean of make-up and my hair smoothed back after yanking at it too much. I’d put myself together, the tiny, cracked slivers of what I had left, and carefully made my way back to the wake. I found Leah and held her tightly, giving her the reassurance that I would be there for her, no matter what.

  Sasha smiled as he caught my eye. I threw him a weak, sad smile and felt relieved that he was there. After everything was said and done, he’d kept his promise that he’d do anything and everything to win me back. With each smile and chat he had with these strangers and every cup he refilled and tray of snacks or food he made sure was full, he’d pulled down the wall around my heart even further. The gaping hole he’d left inside before was slowly patching up. Even with the secondary injury of losing Joss, I could breathe a little better. I thanked my lucky stars that he was there and wondered briefly what I would’ve done without him.

  I was glad I didn’t have to ponder it long before returning to Leah’s side and holding her closer. I’d never let her down, and I silently promised Joss that I’d be the best alternative to an actual mother I could be. I almost felt her silently hugging me, too, telling me that it would all be fine and that I’d do a great job.

  I hoped she was right.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Piper

  “SO, WHEN YOU and Joss came up with the plan to set us up, behind my back, might I add….”

  Leah giggled and snatched a fry from my pile as the four of us munched in the food court at the Galleria Mall. “Did you ever think we’d be sitting in a mall, eating fatty burgers and devouring fries together, the four of us?” I flicked my eyelashes at Sasha, whose guilty look appeared comically exaggerated.

  “It was Joss’s idea about the Ferris wheel, I swear. Scout’s honor.” He ran his hands through his thick dark-blonde locks, his own frustration getting the best of him. “I didn’t know how conniving she could be. All I knew was that I’d run into her at my coffee shop and I was pretty adamant on finding out what you’d been up to and telling her I still had feelings for you. It got her the wheels turning in her head, so of course I was super excited to know that you were single and Joss was willing to hook me back up with you. Your mom was always looking out for us, Leah.”

  “I know. I told Mom about the Ferris wheel! My favorite ride. Wasn’t it romantic, Uncle Sasha?”

  “A-ha! The guilty party fesses up!” He made a funny face, pointing at Leah as she sat proudly acknowledging her actions. “It was terribly romantic, though. But Auntie Piper is afraid of heights, so I think that if anyone plans on setting her up for a another surprise, it should definitely involve heights.”

  “Hey!” I elbowed him in the ribs and he feigned agony. I turned toward Leah and shrugged. “Okay, it’s true, I’m afraid of heights.”

  She giggled at me, making me blush red.

  “So I’ll have to keep my eyes on both of you. You never seem to just do something on a whim, you conniving brats.” I realized my crossed arms and pouty lips made me look worse than Cam throwing a fit for not getting ice cream, which made me burst out laughing, too.

  “Mom was funny. I miss her,” Leah sighed, dragging a French fry through the pile of ketchup on her plate.

  “Yeah, she was pretty awesome. I miss her too, kiddo.” I squeezed her tight, and she lit up again and stuffed the fry into her mouth.

  Even with the bit of darkness surrounding us, I knew Joss was haunting us, I just knew it. Why was it that I could literally feel her repetitively hounding me to shut up and thank her for finding the one for me and providing such a loving family? I just wanted to hold her. I missed her so much, it made my insides tighten and cramp up.

  She’d always be watching out for us, one way or another. Now she was our guardian angel, still jabbering her opinions in my ear as the days went on. Loneliness was never an issue, but the hole she’d left made me wish I’d had more time to enjoy the days with her. Watching how well Leah had overcome the loss of both her parents and still try to live to the fullest each day made me ashamed that I’d lived so long avoiding love and not working on making my dreams come true. Kids were so adaptable. It reminded me why I had to cherish each moment as it came, live with an open heart and forgive readily. You never knew when something would be ripped away from you without warning.

  Joss, you won. Again, you sneaky devil, you.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Piper

  “WHAT WAS THAT all about?” I inquired, watching Sasha toss his phone on the bed. He looked upset and I wondered what could fluster his usually calm aura.

&
nbsp; “I have to go to Moldova.”

  I straightened, looking at him in disbelief. “What do you mean?”

  “I have to go home, Piper.”

  “But why?” I felt my heart lurch at the thought of him leaving. We’d been together several months, and I’d even moved in with him. He had plenty of room to spare and Leah loved the pool. She and Cam got along great, too. They were always having races in the water.

  “My brother needs me to sign some stuff and get my parents’ estate sold. Apparently he can’t do it without my authorization. Plus….” He rubbed his face and sighed. “I’ve been meaning to head back anyway, to fix some stuff with my immigration status.

  “Can’t you do it through a lawyer?”

  “I have to go myself. There were a lot of loose ends when my mother died, and I just haven’t gotten to go up there to get it sorted out. Besides, there’s a ton of stuff like photographs and other relics I want to bring back for Cam to have.” He ran his fingers through his blonde locks and scratched the stubble growing on his chin. He was still looking exhausted, always needing help at the coffee shop. I’d even started taking shifts managing the main store to alleviate the stress. He’d just hired a couple new people, and it was getting better, but he still had a lot to look after. I’d found the work fun and exciting, a huge surprise to me. “I’ll fix everything and come right back, I promise.”

  “Okay, what do you need me to do?”

  He glanced up and smiled, the one gesture that drew me into him every time and made me cozy on up, just to feel his comforting arms embrace me.

  “I might need you to take care of Cam while I’m gone. The new nanny, Phyllis, can help you. I just really need to go as soon as I can.”

  Feeling left behind, I shook it off and threw him a wide, forced smile. “Alright. I can do that. What about the stores?”

  “Eric has taken over a lot the managerial stuff I’ve been doing. You guys will be fine running it while I’m gone. He’s done a fantastic job already.” He looked at me regretfully. “Is that okay?”

  I nodded. “Of course. Do what you have to do.”

  “WHAT DO YOU mean, you’re not coming back yet?” I nearly dropped the phone but managed to keep it in an iron grip as I listened to Sasha’s plight on the telephone. He’d been gone but a week and now was telling me he’d be gone much, much longer. “What’s going on?”

  “I am coming back, just not yet. It’s going to take a while. I had to help my brother pay off a gambling debt on top of everything else, but I had to cross the border to the Ukraine to do it. It kept us longer than I intended, and my green card expired while I was there. If I’d fixed some paperwork they needed here in the embassy, before the expiration, which was what I was here to do, that wouldn’t have happened. I couldn’t get back on time. I’d hoped to get my green card renewed another way, but with everything that was going on...”

  “So you left your country when you weren’t supposed to? Can you come back here?”

  “Not yet. I had to help him. He owed some sort of mafia people here. Not a good thing to do.”

  My heart was convulsing, I could feel the seized-up thumping in my chest, and I just wanted to throw up. “So when do you come back? Cam’s here, Leah… I’m here. We’re waiting for you to come back.”

  “I know.”

  The pause made me think I’d lost him as the static waved in and out of the line. “Sasha?”

  “I’m here.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  His breath heaved into the speaker, making me want to reach into the receiver and touch his soft lips. “I don’t know. I need to work on some paperwork, but it will take me forever to get it sent over here.”

  I straightened, a sudden resolve inspiring me. “What do you need? I can do it.”

  Another agonizing pause made me want to bang the phone on the counter. “I need you to visit my lawyer to get the ball rolling. I’ll give you the address. I’ve called him already. He’ll have papers for you to sign.”

  What the heck is he talking about?

  “What kind of papers?” I gulped. The sound of this made my chest hurt even more.

  “Guardianship papers. For Cameron. I want you to have temporary custody while I’m gone. It could take a while.”

  “What? No. There has to be something else we can do.”

  “Piper, please. I’m doing all I can.”

  “What else?” I clenched my lips together, praying he had something else in mind. This couldn’t be it. He couldn’t be gone from our lives for months. There was always some other way.

  “You could help me. Come here to Moldova, and bring me the paperwork I need. It’d be easier that way instead of waiting for it through the channels. Do you have a pen? After you have guardianship of Cam, you’ll be able to get it.”

  Why did I not like the sound of this?

  “And once I get it all, what then?” My fingers drummed on the countertop. I peeked over it to watch Leah and Cam building a big pillow fort in the living room. It room was a mess, but it didn’t bother me one bit. Not with this new situation digging at my nerves.

  The static grew as I listened through the phone. “Can you come here?”

  “To Moldova?” My mouth dropped open at the thought. I’d never traveled on a plane, ever. I’d never left the United States. And what about the kids? “What about Cam and Leah?” I already knew what he’d say.

  “Bring them. It’s high time they saw the world.” He chuckled, but it faded into a grunt as he feigned clearing his throat.

  Traveling with two kids across the world… sure, no problem. My lips were rubbed raw as I sat there, piecing together everything. I’d need passports, luggage and all sorts of traveling gear, fast. My panic welled up in my throat as I listed out the things I had to get done ASAP. I must’ve been silent for too long because Sasha’s voice snatched me back into the present.

  “Hey, hun, don’t worry. It’ll be fun. You’ll be my hero… err, heroine. Listen, I have to go. I’ll call you later, see if you need anything else. Okay?”

  I nodded before I realized he couldn’t see me through the phone. “Okay. Have a good day. I love you.”

  “I will. Love you back.”

  The phone went silent, and I stared at it. My life had changed drastically in the span of a few months, a lot more than it had in the six years prior. What was I going to do first? I gulped and glanced at the clock. It was barely ten in the morning, and the thoughts were already running amuck in my head and had me ragged. I was pretty sure that come nighttime, I’d collapse into my bed like a stone.

  So much to do, so little time.

  Did I even want to go to Moldova?

  Sasha’s blue eyes flashed into my mind, bringing a small smile to my face. He was worth it though, I knew that now. He was worth every little thing because he’d fought so hard to get back into my good graces. The least I could do for him was this. Besides, he trusted me with his kid, how much more can a person give of themselves than their own treasured child? And I’d get to see his birthplace and cross it off my list of places to see.

  Sometimes dreams do come true.

  I straightened up and went over to the pillow fort. It was time to get going, one way or the other. It would be the trip of a lifetime, and I was going to enjoy every second of it. It was funny how everything I’d wanted was happening. Fast and unpredictable, and definitely not the way I’d wanted. I’d love it if Joss was here to tell it to, and that still brought a resonating ache to my chest that she wasn’t. But life goes on, and you must live it or bury yourself in one spot, paralyzed. I didn’t want that, I wanted to live again.

  “Hey, kids! Ever ride in an airplane before?”

  Epilogue

  NO ONE EVER says it’ll be easy. All you can do, really, is close your eyes and feel the wind sweep through your hair and savor the salty, sweet treats life tosses in your direction. Don’t become bitter, and never ever hold on too tight, because you’ll not only blister yo
ur hands, you’ll choke the precious love you hold within them.

  I let the cool November air run through my hair, hanging loose in long tangles of waves, fluttering along the breeze. The wedding was everything I’d imagined it to be. We’d held it at the Bellagio, where our second first date had been. Our honeymoon included a trip to Florence, Italy, traipsing the countryside and trying every Italian dish we could stuff into our mouths. We’d also included this small deviation, a side trip to the same beach we’d enjoyed in our college days. The same cold sand and frigid air raked its fingers across my skin and I shivered under its caress. I was wearing my jacket and my now-snug jeans, but the wind snaked its way under them and through the tiny holes in the fabric no matter what. I clutched my growing belly and hoped the tiny life inside was toasty and warm.

  Suddenly, a flash of red and black hit my periphery as Sasha swung a warm, flannel blanket over both our shoulders, pulling me close and wrapping it around us. His body heat instantly warmed mine and stifled the chill overtaking my shaking body.

  We stared out across the expanse of ocean, watching the tousle of wind-tossed waves foam and violently strike the shore. He leaned in to me, and I turned, meeting his lips and enjoying the heat of them on mine. He tasted like the briny air hovering about us and sweet like pixie sticks. We’d been gorging on junk food, a favorite habit of mine.

  My thumb rubbed against the cool metal of my wedding ring, bringing with it fiery warmth that grew as his kisses left trails of wet heat on my skin. Our breaths puffed out into small, steamy clouds as we continued to embrace, inhaling each other as if never satisfied.