Stressed!

by Deborah Martin

  The highlight of the evening was when John (remember him – the vampire?) decided Sally might make a nice snack. He approached her while Jack was freshening their drinks. I watched with amusement from across the room. I could see him start his ‘kiss the hand on introduction’ thing, immediately drop her hand with a look of horror on his face and make a beeline for the bathroom. I had briefed Sally on the expected guests before we left work on Friday. I made my way over there.

  “So, what did you do to fend John off?” I asked.

  She giggled. “Jack is friends with a Catholic priest so we always have a little holy water around. I mixed some in with my perfume and had just finished a wee spritz when John came sauntering up. I don’t think he liked what he smelled.” I giggled, too.

  Jack arrived with fresh drinks, including one for me. “How did you know what I was drinking?” I asked him.

  “It doesn’t take a psychic to know these things – I asked the bartender,” he replied. “What are you two giggling so hard about?”

  We told him about John and the holy water. He laughed, too. “That’s my girl – always thinking ahead. I’d never have thought to mix it in with perfume. I’d just throw a vial on him.”

  “Which would have made a mess and spoiled Ev’s party. I like my way better,” Sally smiled at him.

  Even with a long nap beforehand, I started yawning about midnight. Although the party was just getting going for the non-humans, most of us day-type people had already left. I was about to ask Gregory to take me home when in the door walked Happy. Without an invitation I might add. For his costume, he’d added a cape. Otherwise, just the same red suit.

  “Good evening, Amy,” he greeted me. “I heard through the grapevine about this party and was dismayed that I did not receive an invitation.”

  “That’s something you’d need to speak with Ev about. He’s the one that made up the guest list – I just sent the invitations. If you’ll excuse me, it’s late and I’d like to get home.”

  “Could I persuade you to have one cocktail with me? There’s something I’d like to discuss with you. Or I could come by the office on Monday?”

  There’s no way I wanted Happy in the office again. I acquiesced to another glass of wine and after we’d found Ev so Happy could greet him (Ev was not pleased but tried to hide it), made our way to a corner away from the band so we could hear each other.

  “I have another prospective friend in mind for you,” he started out.

  “I thought the last one would have taught you that your idea of a friend and mine are worlds apart,” I told him.

  “Ah, yes. Jim was a mistake. I had thought since the two of you were logical thinkers that you may get along. I neglected the social side. However, Anthony is not like that. He is sensitive and shares your intellectual interests. Please allow me to introduce you over cocktails one evening. You never know if the man is right until you meet him, do you?”

  “How many times do I have to tell you I do not want to be fixed up? I like my life just the way it is so no thank you. Please, do not try again. I find it tiring.”

  I put my half-finished glass of wine down and turned away. Thankfully, Happy didn’t follow. I told Ev I was leaving and had Gregory drive me home. It had been such a pleasant evening until the end. Why did he have to spoil it?

  It was later in the year and I got to sleep in until nearly 8:00 Sunday morning before the sun woke me up. Sweet! I puttered around the apartment, not doing much until noon, when I felt it was safe to call Ev to make sure the cleaning crew had arrived and was doing its job. I woke him up but after a moment of listening, he assured me there was enough noise going on downstairs that the crew must be there. He didn’t want to be bothered to go down to see if it was indeed the crew or if they were doing what they were hired to do. I hung up, wondering why I’d even bothered calling in the first place.

  Fudge and I spent a very pleasant afternoon, curled up on the couch with a book. I was usually lazy the day after a party at Ev’s, whether I had a hangover or not. Downtime was deserved after so much work, was it not?

  Mid-afternoon on Tuesday brought a lot of commotion out in the reception area. I heard Sally yell, “What the hell?” and another voice say something low, in a calming sort of way. Sally retorted a little more quietly with, “That is so arrogant and impolite. Just who the hell do you think you are?” Another low, calming-type response, Sally harrumphed and poked her head into my office.

  “What’s going on out there?” I asked.

  “A demon just materialized in the office. No door, no excuse me. Just popped in like he owned the place. Scared the shit out of me. He says his name is Happy and he’d like to speak with you.”

  I sighed. “Oh crap. I’m never going to get rid of this guy. I’ll give him a minute. Just long enough to tell him to go away – again.”

  “I can tell him you’re busy.”

  “Nah. He’ll just come back again. He’s irritating that way. I’ll come out and you can hear the entire conversation. He’s a pain.”

  “Good afternoon, Amy. I am pleased to see you again,” Happy greeted me when I walked out into the reception area. Sally sat back down at her desk and although it looked like she was typing something, I could tell her interest was focused on us, not her computer.

  “I’m not pleased to see you. I thought I told you Saturday night that I really wasn’t interested in dating anyone at the moment.”

  “Ah, but as I’ve said before, you just haven’t met the right man. Please, meet us for cocktails one evening this week. He is only in town until Friday.”

  “Do you have a boss? Someone I can complain to? I have told you to butt out of my life on several occasions but you not only don’t take a hint, you don’t take a direct statement. I do not want to date anyone, much less anyone you choose. Got that? Now go the fuck away.”

  “Amy, Amy.” He shook his head and tsk-tsked a little. “You spend entirely too much time in front of your computer at home, imagining things that you could actually experience. I am simply trying to assist you in fulfilling your dreams.” Happy had a smile on his face that promised consequences if I denied him this meeting.

  Now I understood what Ev meant when he said Happy could screw things up personally and professionally. Somehow this guy had found out about my writing. Admittedly, if someone cared to do some research, they could link my given name with my pen name but that was something I didn’t want outed to Ev or any of our employees or clients. I liked keeping my two lives separate.

  Now what was I going to do? I sighed.

  “Alright. One cocktail. Nothing further. Thursday night is best for me.”

  “Wonderful. I’m sure you and Anthony will get along famously. I’ll send my car for you at six?” With that, he vanished. No popping noise or anything, just one second he was there and the next he wasn’t. No wonder Sally was startled.

  “What the hell was that all about?” Sally asked.

  “Got time for a drink after work? I’ll tell you what’s going on but I’d rather do it elsewhere.”

  “Sure. Jack’s out of town again so I don’t have to be home at any given time.”

  I hung around until five, when Sally was finished for the day. It gave me a chance to get a little ahead of Wednesday’s work. We headed over to the pub and bellied up to the bar. Cork slid a glass of merlot in front of me and cocked his head at Sally.

  “If he just put a glass down in front of you without asking, I presume you come here often,” she said to me after answering Cork’s unspoken question with, “Chardonnay”.

  I’d forgotten Sally didn’t live in the neighborhood and really had no reason to trot across the street after work. “Usually about once a week when I either don’t feel like cooking or simply don’t want to be home. It’s close and comfortable.”

  “So what’s up with this Happy guy?” she asked.

  I related everything that had happened over the last few months, starting with having to play Ev’s wife. Then
, with a threat of death if she told anyone, I let her in on my writing life.

  “You’re Deidre O’Shaunessy? I hate to say this but Jack hates you. I spend many nights reading your books instead of something more serious. He prefers more intellectual reading like biographies. I promise I won’t say anything but wow. I’m impressed.”

  “Now you know why Happy said the things he did. I’ve gone to great lengths to conceal my real identity. Hell, I don’t allow my photo anywhere, don’t do public appearances or anything that would involve my face, much to my publisher’s chagrin. If it were to get out, a lot of people Ev hangs around with would figure out they’re some of the characters in my books.”

  “No wonder they’re so lifelike. I had admired your imagination, thinking someone had made all those people up. Now that you mention it, I see several people I’ve met in your characters. Some of our clients and employees would be pissed, no?”

  “Yeah, which is why it’s so secret. That knowledge could cause all sorts of problems for Ev and me. Maybe even a lawsuit or two. Although my attorney and editor tell me nothing is close enough to real life for anyone to get twitterpated about, you know these types. They’ll call their lawyer at the drop of a hat. If Happy let the cat out of the bag, there would be hell to pay all over the place.”

  “Man, blackmail at its finest. And because he’s a demon, not subject to mundane laws and can’t even be killed, you have to keep putting up with his interference in your social life to prevent interference in your business life. Can I ask Jack if he’s got any suggestions?”

  “Sure, if you can describe the situation without letting my alter ego into the conversation. If Jack hates my books, I don’t want to think about how it would color our relationship. He’s a nice guy and you’re lucky to have him.”

  “Listen, it’s not your books he hates. It’s the subject matter. He disdains anything he calls ‘without substance’. But I won’t say anything to him. As a matter of fact, I can put the whole thing off on Ev. Jack knows how Ev is with women and can draw his own conclusions. I need to go. I’d stay here all night but then I’d be too drunk to drive home, much less answer the phone when Jack calls later this evening. Thanks for the drink and story. I’ll see what we can come up with to help.”

  She left me to my musings. Cork slid another glass of wine in front of me, along with a menu. “Looks like you’ve had a bad day. But you need to eat,” he growled. He wasn’t mad. Growling was his normal voice. He sounded like someone who sang bass and was a heavy smoker. But he was right. If I didn’t eat something, the wine would go directly to my head and I’d have a hangover tomorrow. I really didn’t have an appetite, so I chose some French Onion Soup with a side salad. The bread in the soup and on the side should be enough to soak up the alcohol.

  An hour or so later, I made my way home. I wasn’t drunk but a little tipsy so I decided to head directly for bed. Maybe I could figure out a way out of my problems in my dreams. Right.

  Chapter 12

  Thursday after my nap (which wasn’t much of one – I couldn’t calm down from my frustrations with Happy), I changed into a boring pantsuit, once again pulling my hair back into a barrette and putting on minimal makeup. Once again, the gnome knocked on my door promptly at six, his dog-chew-toy voice relaying his instructions from Happy.

  This time curiosity got the better of me and I slid onto the seat facing backward in the passenger compartment, immediately behind the privacy glass. That way I could turn my head and look into the driver’s compartment. What I saw made me giggle.

  The gnome used a remote to open the driver’s door and climbed up a small ladder to the top of a box that was held in by the seatbelt. Another click of the remote closed the door. He stood on the box, slipping his feet into straps on the top, which I assumed took the place of a seatbelt. With this arrangement, he could just see above the wheel and out the windshield. The steering wheel was almost as large as he was, especially with the gadgets attached to it and the steering column. It was actually an ingenious solution. The gnome was driving with the kind of car controls they install for handicapped people.

  Twenty minutes later, we pulled up at the door of the Radisson by the Mall of America. (Hmmm. Maybe I should go shopping for a new outfit afterward to calm myself down.) The gnome reversed his entry process and once the passenger door was opened, held the bottom of the door in the same way most normal-sized chauffeurs would hold the handle. “Mr. Happy and his guest are in the bar by the fireplace,” he said. “I will be right here when you are ready to leave.”

  I walked into the bar, and saw that Happy was indeed sitting in a chair by the fireplace. His guest was sitting on a couch, with his back to me. I could see dark curls brushing broad shoulders, which filled a silk suit nicely. A familiar-looking ring graced the hand that draped across the back of the couch. Crap. Double crap.

  Happy rose as I approached, as did his other guest. “Good evening, Amy. May I introduce you to …”

  “We’ve met,” I cut him off. “Hullo, Tony. Long time.”

  “Amy. Hi. I had no idea …”

  I didn’t bother making my way into the seating area, much less taking my coat off and sitting down.

  “Won’t work, Happy. We dated a long time ago. It didn’t work out. Thank you but I’m out of here.”

  “Wait, Amy,” Happy said before I could turn to leave. “I believe I know the source of your problem. It can be overcome.”

  “Listen,” I said. “Tony’s a nice guy but his species and mine don’t get along during certain times of the month.”

  “I understand,” Happy replied. “However, that would not preclude you from enjoying each other’s company the other days of the month.”

  I got frustrated but took a couple of steps closer to the men, in an attempt to keep the conversation somewhat private in a public place. “I thought your whole shtick was to play matchmaker for permanent arrangements. One mistiming on our part ensures my destruction, and I wouldn’t be simply slipping away in my sleep. Again, no thanks.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt for us to try again, though,” Tony interjected. “I thought we had a good thing going until that one incident. I now have an app for moon phases on my phone that reminds me in case I don’t pay attention to what’s happening on the inside.”

  “You’re on this slimeball’s side?” I asked him.

  “I take offense at your adjective,” Happy said. “I am merely trying to ensure that everyone finds their special someone. I take great pleasure when I’m able to match up a couple and they’re happy.”

  “I’m sure you do take pleasure,” I said, gritting my teeth. “But I won’t retract my adjective. You won’t leave people alone when requested to do so and you even issue veiled threats if they don’t comply with your wishes. That’s a slimeball in my book.”

  “Amy, please, sit with us for at least one drink. It won’t hurt you,” Tony pleaded.

  “No, thank you,” I said. “Excuse me, but I have better things to do.” With that, I turned on my heel and walked out. I’d gotten about half way to the hotel’s front door when Tony caught up to me. I was walking so fast that his hand on my arm stopped me in my tracks and spun me around.

  “Amy, I’d consider it a big favor if you’d come back,” he said quietly. “As you mentioned, Happy issues veiled threats and the one he gave me could mean my ruin. This isn’t the first time he’s tried to fix me up but it is the first time he’s threatened action if I don’t at least meet his current choice of girl. Since you said something about a threat, I’m assuming it’s the same with you. Let’s have a drink to keep him calm, huh?”

  I looked up into those dreamy brown eyes for the first time in several years and once again, felt myself melt. Damn it, but he was hard to say no to.

  “One drink. But in exchange for my presence, I want you to figure out how we can get off this guy’s radar. I’m tired of him interfering in my life.”

  “I don’t think there’s anyone he’s meddled wit
h who’s not tired of his interference. However, I don’t know anyone else in his sphere of … influence, shall we say? It’s not something you go around screaming to the world, you know?”

  I did know. But the more people working on the problem of Happy, the more likely it would be that we’d all find a solution. I tried to put a pleasant smile on my face as we walked back into the bar.

  “Amy, I am so glad you changed your mind,” Happy smiled at me. I took my coat off and sat in the chair farthest from the slimeball and as far as I could get from Tony. I ordered my usual gin and tonic from the waiter. At least I was getting free drinks off this creep but it really wasn’t worth the price.

  The tension was so thick you could have sliced it. This time there wasn’t a lot for Happy to say or do since Tony and I knew each other – rather well. So, he stayed more or less silent while the two of us caught up with each other in a stilted conversation. Tony’s cell phone rang about twenty minutes in and we both heaved a sigh of relief when he said he needed to return to his hotel room to deal with a client privately.

  “I do hope the two of you will find a way to see each other again. I believe you are well-suited to each other, regardless of the differences in species. I will see you both again soon!” Happy said as we all stood to leave. “Amy, my chauffeur will take you anywhere you’d like to go. As you’ve figured out, he exists only for my friends. I don’t need him.”

  “Thanks but no thanks,” I answered. “I will make my own transportation arrangements.”

  Tony kissed me on the cheek in the lobby before I turned toward the door and he went in the direction of the elevators. “Think about it, will you?” he said. “For once I agree with that sleaze that we make a good pair.”